The Play60 Campaign.

The NFL really needs to rethink their community service campaign. There's just something not right about the super sensual slow-motion camera shots of NFLers and Barack Obama in a seemingly unsupervised environment with a bunch of kids, while a deep voice talks about an "hour of play" in the background. I'm just waiting for the deleted scene of Jared Allen and Brad Childress half naked peering at the dancing children from behind a bush. Gross.

Last week: 7-8
All Time: 95-87
 
CLEVELAND BROWNS (+10.5) cover Pittsburgh Steelers

Death. Taxes. Carmelo Anthony scoring at least 20 points a game. The Steelers' inability to cover big spreads. Those are the only inevitabilities in life.

Call me what you will, but when Mike Tomlin starts using big words and run-on sentences to say "changes will be made," I think it's code for "I'm going to put a cap in someone's ass." Don't be surprised to find out CB William Gay "shot himself" in the leg with his "own gun" at a club next week if he gets once again toasted by another no name reciever like, Muhammed Massaquoi.

Conspiracy theory might say the Steelers have never really dominated an entire season and gone on to win a super bowl at a strong time in the league. First, the 2005 Steelers backed in the playoffs as the sixth-seeded team. So maybe 11-5 isn't exactly "backing in," but six seed none-the-less. Steel-town sends an assassin to take out Carson Palmer's knee the first series and wins the first playoff game. Jerome Bettis handed the game, literally, to the Indianapolis Colts, and Mike Vanderjact kicked it right back in the divisional round. Followed by a Jake Plummer led Bronco team in the AFC Championship? Please. Tack the historically dominant ... passive Seattle Seahawks in the Super Bowl, and it may very well be the easiest path to the Super Bowl title in history.... well, I guess they did play perennial chump Arizona in 2008.

If history tells us anything it is that the Steelers are the poster-child of consistency. Always pretty good, always hanging around, never really dominant. Could this explain why Pittsburgh went 8-8 and missed the playoffs the year after they won the super bowl (2006)? A pretty good team can sneak up on others, and in a down year, beat everyone in the league. However, a pretty good team with a target on its back will eventually show their true colors. A pretty good team doesn't cover double-digit point spreads against 3-8 teams.

So let's not fool ourselves. Yeah, the Steelers are pretty good, and without Troy Polamalu, they're just alright. Otherwise, there are just too many other good teams this year. Playoff birth this year? Maybe, but history says no.

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (-7) over Denver Broncos

The undefeated label on the Colts is annoying. I just don't see it Bronco fan.... but I never do. 


Cincinnati Bengals (+7) cover MINNESOTA VIKINGS

It is unclear whether or not Chad Ochocinco understands the concept of currency, and that is why he is awesome.

I am reminded about a conversation that happened in the most recent season of HBO's "Hard Knocks." In one of the episodes, head coach Marvin Lewis had a discussion explaining the banking system to Chad Ochocinco. In an innocent, and perhaps satirical jab at the banking system, conversation Ochocinco could not understand how a bank could lend out his money to other people. Word Chad.

But so what, if someone put him through Intro to Finance 1001, no one is seeing a thirty thousand dollar sombrero on the field. It is the equivalent of telling your two year old cousin Santa isn't real. Let these people dream that there is a fat man dressed in a red suit that travels by flying reindeer, or that thirty-K isn't very much money. It's worth it.

New York Jets (-3) over TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS

So Kellen Clemons and the Jets are still playing the Tampa Bay Buccaneers right? Just checking.


Seattle Seahawks (+5.5) cover HOUSTON TEXANS

I'm putting the Seattle Seahawks in with the Denver Broncos in teams that need to desperately change/update their uniforms. Can't quite decide whether that "rainy teal" color or awesome orange "pant swoosh" is more Arena League. As if Kyle Orton wasn't ugly enough. I mean if you want to make that you're identity then fine. Just change your names to the Seattle "Storm" and Denver "Destroyers." Pick one.

<--- colorblind vs. swoosh!---->

Buffalo Bills (even) over KANSAS SHITTY CHIEFS

Ah man, courtesy flush NFL.


New Orleans (-11) over ATLANTA FALCONS

The Saints' quality is defined by their ability to dominate despite blowing the third pick in the draft on Reggie Bush.

CHICAGO BEARS (+3) over Green Bay Packers

Not so much a vote of confidence in the Bears so much as a vote of no confidence in Supreme Chancellor Valorum... the Green Bay Packers offensive line.


BALTIMORE RAVENS (-13.5) over Detroit Lions

I'm speechless.

Miami Dolphins (+3) over JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS

Here's betting this game determines Jacksonville NOT getting a wild card spot.

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (-13.5) over Carolina Panthers

Adalius Thomas was not happy about being sent home after arriving late to team meetings on Wednesday. Grab a cushion, the Mahatma Adalius Thomas is about to drop some philosophy...

"I don't try to figure it out. I really don't. I could care less what the reason is. I seek to understand, not to be understood. I'm done with all the phonetics, trying to figure it out. I'm really done with that. Whatever I'm asked to do, I'm gonna do."
Very zen. It really is important to put all of life's phonetics behind us. If we as a society remain stuck on the proper pronunciation of harassment, crevasse, Colorado, how will we ever move beyond the hatred that keeps us killing each other. Let's all be like Adlaius.

TENNESSEE TITANS (-13) over St. Louis Rams

Ah sick what is that?

OAKLAND RAIDERS (+1) over Washington Redskins

Come on man! Courtesy flush! Please!

DALLAS COWBOYS (-3) vs. San Diego Chargers

The beautifully sad thing about the Cowboys recent loss to the Giants was that it wasn't Romo's fault. An unacceptable punt return, and paper mache defense can take the blame for this one. Even Roy Williams caught two touchdowns!

Now, with the questions swirling yet again, the NFL's December retard takes on its prized Thoroughbred. The chargers are 16-0 in their last 4 Decembers. Tony Romo will also be reassuming the holder position for field goals. My nuts feel like they're in a vice.


New York Giants (-1) over PHILTHADELPHIA EAGLES

Ugh, for almost definitely the last time barring a miracle via tiebreak... TOP OF THE MOTHERFUCKIN DIVISION TO YOU!

Arizona Cardinals (-3.5) over SAN FRANCISCO 49ers

'Zona=Darkhorse... again

"how we makin' money on the buffs this week": Buffs (-3)

This section ain't dead. The University of Colorado Basketball team will travel to Colorado State to take on the 5-3 Rammies.

It should be noted that the University is 7-2 in this most recent decade against State. Like football, the all-time head to head matchup does not imply a rivalry (86-35 Buffs). Jeff Bzdelik is 6-0 all time against State. Alec Burks is the truth. What more do you need to know? Free money.

Comments, Criticisms, and Creole


Greg says: I think I'm the only person left who doesn't care about golf, or Tiger Woods. I don't even know much about him, besides the fact that he seems to be the sport's Barack Obama.

I'm torn on his speech. Hypocritical and arrogant though he is, the-gentleman-formerly-known-as-Tiger's message about privacy makes sense to me. We, by which I mean the general public, shouldn't be getting off at the drama of celebrities, who we likewise shouldn't be over-idolizing by throwing them paychecks the size of which would bring a tear to the eye of the Ethiopian Finance Minister.

So yeah, he's a prick (Whose game has about as much legitimacy being called a sport as does Cup Stacking or Call of Duty), but he still deserves privacy. I just hope he can have his privacy and lose a few endorsement deals, to let him know that what he did was not OK.

First off, yes. Golf is a game, not a sport. But that doesn't make it not cool. Go to a driving range and see how you do.


I personally don't think this really has much to do with celebrity. It's freaking Tiger Woods, is anyone surprised he gets offered sex a lot! The thing is, corporations have built his image up like he is the premier role model for people ages one to one hundred. He is being paid to be a role model. That's his job. Ever since we first saw a black man dominate a white man's game, it's for some reason been a foregone conclusion that he acts like all the other 50 year old white conservative schmucks in golf pants that played the game before.

So, while I agree that his speech was hypocritical and arrogant, I also believe that his speech is wrong. It's his job to be a model citizen. Chances are he has never had a real job so can't quite grasp this concept, but when you don't do your job by doing anything with a hole, it's the right of the employers (media, corporations) to get theirs. I agree that we as a society shouldn't be lobotomized idol-worshipers, at the same time, that's never going to change and to differ this to another issue is giving Tiger a free pass. He wouldn't have to worry about his privacy if he wasn't screwing Perkins waitresses. I had no idea Tiger looking up girls dresses and not studying the right choice of soap in those commercials.. 

Association Observations

The National Basketball Association is five weeks through the season, some things I've observed...

- Life is good without Glen Davis

Right?  Aside from throwing down with his homeboys, and running... waddling his mouth off about playing in the NFL, no one has been forced to watch his clinically overweight ass jump up and down, or daddy Garnett scold big baby Glen Davis on Sportscenter.

The Boston Celtics are the only people missing Glen Davis less than myself. Are the 16-4 Celtics to believe they will be anything but fatter and slower upon his arrival in two weeks? If you don't believe 85% of Glen Davis's rehabilitative workout regimen involved bicep curls of Cheetos, I've got a sandbox in Florida for sale.

Two more weeks until we get to see this...  and this.... and of course again, this.

- Gettin' Old

That one Allen Iverson press conference was painful. No, not practice, not a game, this one. It's pain is drawn from the realization that AI is no longer relevant, even if he is. Ty Lawson was born in 1987, he was 10 years old in Allen Iverson's rookie, cross-up Jordan (2:13), season. Every year since Ty Lawson was 12, and until last year, Allen Iverson has been in the playoffs. Ty Lawson, and the Facebook generation grew up with Allen Iverson being at very least worth conversation for half their lives, now no one really wants him on their team.

Even if AI can still drop 26 points a game, no one talks Iverson-Shaq-Duncan anymore. It's all about Kobe-Lebron-shouldbeMelo. That press conference was Shakespearean tragedy; it looked like a hero's realization of his own mortality. "I mean I crossed up Jordan and I can't get a job at a salary above the league minimum?" Damn AI, here's five bucks, It's all I got.

Allen Iverson was this ten year old Denver transplant's first favorite NBAer. The hip-hop culture, tattoo wearing, unstoppably athletic drives to the basket, and points and steals per game have already been done before, Lebron James. Allen Iverson did it.

As Nugget fan watched Duncan, Ginobili, Parker and the Spurs be too old, NBA fan has so too watched the foreshadowing of Iverson's retirement. Big time careers are starting to wind down, I'm looking at you Garnett, Nash, Artest, and the rest of you.

I'm just sayin' find me a contending team with it's four core players under 28 years old.

(Anthony 25, Lawson 22, Nene 27, Smith 24... even Afflalo 24.)

- Who the hell is Anthony Carter?

Oh, that guy? Didn't he used to play for the Nuggets or something? Wait, that guy started for the Nuggets?

We've come a long way baby. Thank you Mark Warkentein for being Jewish and attracting such wealth to the Denver Nuggets. The market is bullish on the Nuggets.

I've always been hard on the "east coast bias" that has perennially, if only in my own mind, underrated the Nuggets. But the truth is, the criticism was valid. Everyone that frustrated me on the court so much that I ended up hating them is gone from the team. I used to hate Eduardo Najera, the Mexican Glen Davis sans 100lbs, for jacking up three's, for having no left hand, no vertical jump and that weak haircut. Now, he's in the NBA hell that is New Jersey. I used to hate Marcus Camby's behind the head, rainbow arching, "favorite shot" from the top of the key when he should have been around the basket. Off with you to the bowels that are the L.A. Clippers! I used to hate Linas Kleiza being an invertebrate. Now, the Greek league gets to watch Linas the menace brick threes in a contract year. I used to hate the Anthony Carter's party faux pas. Now, who the hell is Anthony Carter?

I am the self-actualized Nugget fan, completely content with pretty much every player on the team. Who beside Malik Allen and Johan Petro is there to hate anymore? The most frustrating player this year has been Chauncey Billups, and if he's the worst player on the team, then I think I'll have a coke.

If I could paint, I would paint a mural of Anthony Carter driving off into the sunset on a road to nowhere-in-particular, waving to us behind him from his little red convertible. "God speed AC." I'd like to think he'd be blasting Tracy Chapman's "Fast Car" on the way to looking for that beach at the end of Shawshank Redemption... Zi-huatane-o. He gave one-hundred percent to this team, and while we've had some laughs and mainly tears, Ty Lawson is exponentially better than you, and George Karl realizes it.

- Alright let's try this again, raise your hand if you haven't had sex with Tiger Woods.

Whoops how'd that get in there. If we have learned anything from the Tiger Woods "scandal," it is that Tiger Woods is a pompous ass who's good at golf. More importantly however, we learned legal names that contain pronouns and adjectives that can be used during sex like "Tiger," "Magic," "Johnson," and "Magic Johnson," have a direct correlation to how much these people get laid! Consider myself Amazing Bonner. Tiger's wood, Magic's johnson, Amazing's bonner... bulletproof, now to just avoid a disease...

- Tack Kiki Vandeghwe to the list of people that suck at their jobs and still have one.

While we can thank Mark Warkentein, we can curse Kiki. The man who passed on Amare Stoudamire for Nickolai Tskitisvili, the man who signed K-Mart to a contract larger than the K-Mart company's net book value, the man that loved the aforementioned Eduardo Najera so much he brought him with him to New Jersey. How's that going for you never-gonna-get Lebron Nets? If you're keeping track, the list consists of Dan Hawkins, Jake Delhomme, Bill Hanzlik, Kiki Vandeghwe.

-Lebron James is even more annoying than last year.

There is a level of celebrity in which people who are natural ego-maniacs literally live in their own world. No one in the real world is so overwhelmed with the joy of being in love that it causes them to jump up and down like a three year old on Oprah's big couch. When I watch Tom Cruise demonstrating the full spectrum of jackass he can be, I can't help but think how disconnected he is with the world. If he wasn't an actor, he'd be a freak.

This alternate state of reality known as the "Tom Cruise plane of existence" is not limited to the title character. This season, we have watched as Lebron voluntarily informed the public that he smoked weed in high school. Um, cool, who asked? Lebron danced on the sideline during a rout of the Chicago Bulls without so much as a fine or statement from the league. Only people on the Tom Cruise plane of existence can make me side with Joakim Noah. In case you were wondering, Lebron does think he can be an All-pro tight end in the NFL. By the way, I still have as many NBA championships as Lebron James, and could dominate the MLB if I wanted to.

Tom Cruise Plane of existence is not limited to athletes and actors. I recommend the Jersey Shore, this trailer, and primarily what happens at minute 1:21. Needless to say these background dudes shared my exact same reaction. This sums up the plane, the people who live in it, how they think, and how disconnected from society I feel.


- Called it.

Is everybody having fun in this 2009-10 NBA season, also known as the breakout year of Carmelo Anthony? I know I am...

"It's easy to say that, but then if you go out there and not do it, or if you win in the regular season and not in the playoffs, then people will say that you don't care about winning. But how can you say that? It's not like I went out there and tried to lose all those games in the playoffs. . . . You start winning games in the playoffs, then people start saying that everything has changed." -Carmelo Anthony

Transgressions

Did you know Eldrick "Tiger" Woods cheated on his wife?

Reading between the lines of Tiger's "apology":

I have let my family down and I regret those transgressions (oh? so that would be more than one transgression, as in more than one woman? only Tiger Woods can make "transgression" the word du jour and code for midnight romps behind your wife's back) with all of my heart. I have not been true to my values and the behavior my family deserves. I am not without faults and I am far short of perfect. (cumming... pun... from a man who demands perfection from himself on the golf course, this is quite an admission. I wonder if Tiger slammed the condom to the ground after a curse-laden tirade post-coital relations.)  I am dealing with my behavior and personal failings behind closed doors with my family. Those feelings should be shared by us alone.(wait...this can't possibly be the beginning of a lecture?)

Although I am a well-known person and have made my career as a professional athlete, I have been dismayed to realize the full extent of what tabloid scrutiny really means. For the last week, my family and I have been hounded to expose intimate details of our personal lives. (awww... poor little Eldrick...wait, you cheated on your wife!... sorry... you transgressed on your wife! your family isn't being hounded to expose intimate details of your personal lives, you, Eldrick, are the only one in your family that "transgressed." You'd think you would have realized your personal media coverage when you dropped a fart at the Buick, not Cadillac, open. the only moral issue here is adultery, you can't make this another issue.) 

The stories in particular that physical violence played any role in the car accident were utterly false and malicious. (or utterly true and frightening, but if I don't lie about this too she might take that nine iron to my face next time.) Elin has always done more to support our family and shown more grace than anyone could possibly expect.(She will also be receiving a 15 million dollar rock, and I will be selling the commercial rights to Kay jewelers)

But no matter how intense curiosity about public figures can be, there is an important and deep principle at stake which is the right to some simple, human measure of privacy. I realize there are some who don't share my view on that. But for me, the virtue (take it from me kids, always be virtuous) of privacy is one that must be protected in matters that are intimate and within one's own family. Personal sins should not require press releases and problems within a family shouldn't have to mean public confessions. (then give your endorsement money back.)

Whatever regrets I have about letting my family down have been shared with and felt by us alone. I have given this a lot of reflection and thought (balls deep for about 31 months worth) and I believe that there is a point at which I must stick to that principle even though it's difficult.(you always have been a man of principle Eldrick, like when you sank that putt behind your wife's back in a hotel penthouse..)

I will strive to be a better person and the husband and father that my family deserves. For all of those who have supported me over the years, I offer my profound apology. 

Normally I wouldn't care or comment on a celebrity scandal that doesn't affect the outcome of a sporting event I care about. However, with this statement, Eldrick (sounds dirty to call him 'tiger' anymore) Woods has jolted himself perhaps above Brett Favre and Lebron James as the most arrogant, pompous, "better-than-you" athletes in the modern era.


I've never understood why athletes get married before age 40. I understand a male's sex-drive, I understand the abundance of fast times and fast women that throw themselves at professional athletes, and I understand that Eldrick is probably the most famous athlete in the world.

Chances are, that when I'm thirty years old, marriage will make sense because among other things, the pickens of women that want to sleep with me will be slim.

So I'm not surprised Eldrick is an adulterer, I'm just surprised at his arrogance. Rather than owning up to his "transgressions" in front of the media that makes him famous, and gives him his money, his "apology" is nothing more than a lecture to everyone to leave him alone. Being a billion-dollar endorsed athlete does not give you liberty to choose when you want to be famous, and when you don't want to be famous. The media didn't cheat... damnit, transgress... on your wife, Eldrick, you did.

Last week: 7-8
All time: 88-79

(A refresher on these picks. They are against the spread. So if I pick the Buffalo Bills (+3), I am picking the Bills to lose by less than 3 points, or win. Conversely, a pick for the Jets (-3) would mean they win by more than 3.)


BUFFALO BILLS (+3) over New York Football Jets

To start Terrell Owens, or not to start Terrell Owens, that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune and decide to start his ass in fantasy football, or to take arms against his sea of troubles, and by opposing leave him benched.

KANSAS SHITTY CHIEFS (+5) cover Denver Broncos

At Kansas Shitty, at Indianapolis, home vs Joakland, at Philthy, home vs Kansas shitty. The broncos need to win three more games to pretty much guarantee a playoff birth. That makes this game a must win, unless Bronco fan sees themselves winning in undefeated Indianapolis, or a battling for the division and playoff Philadelphia.


Big Mac's MF-bomb was awesome. Damnit, that's two in-game instances I've like Big Mac for. No matter, it doesn't make up for the "transgressions" that traded away a quarterback that can throw more than 20 yards (this is me still doubting Noodlearm Neckbeard), and the arrogance he has after finally winning his first of the last five games.

I said it before, the Broncos do not want to lose the "no one thinks we're any good" mentality. They have not the talent to compete with the big boys week in and week out unless they have the motivation of world-wide disrespect. The Broncos can't handle expectation, they can't handle being the hunted, and they struggle in KC. They HAVE to win this game.

Joakland Raiders (+14.5) cover PITTSBURGH STEELERS

Steelers and big spreads, what do you know about it? The last time this was questioned, they blew a 13 point spread, and LOST to Kansas Shitty.


How does it feel Steeler fan? Does it seem like the media wants to create drama that distracts your football team. Do you think the Hines Ward comments were blown out of proportion, and the attempt to divide the lockerroom is bullshit? Welcome to the spotlight. Praise God "Melrose Place" has been moved from Dallas to Pittsburgh.


Houston Texans (even) over JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS

It's time for Mr. Kubiak to start crackin' skulls and yelling at his players. This pretty close routine is tired... light em up a fire coach!


MIAMI DOLPHINS (+4.5) cover New England Patriots

Ricky Williams + Patriot Killers + Pats' 0-4 road record = Dolphins win? I'll buy.


Tampa Bay Buccaneers (+9) CAROLINA PANTHERS


I'm not letting this spread fool me into thinking the Panthers are anything better than mediocre.

In this horrible economy, and the unemployment rate much too high, it's hard to see people that are horrible at their job and still get to keep it. Think if you were personally as bad at your job as Jake Delhomme, Dan Hawkins, or Bill Hanzlik, would your boss keep you? In this economy? It's offensive to the thousands of unemployed that are forced to sit and watch these clowns get paid millions for the equivalent of showing up to work drunk.

CHICAGO BEARS (-9) over St. Louis Rams

A little humble pie for thanksgiving can't do anything but help ol Jay Cutler.

CINCINNATI BENGALS (-13) over Detroit Lions

Can anyone believe that the Bungles completely swept their division?


Larry Johnson's homophobic slur was the best career move he's ever made. If dropping a bomb like that get's me a foot in the door of a successful franchise/company then.... FAG!

Tennessee Titans (+7) over INDIANAPOLIS COLTS

The bye week is a hell of a drug. After their respective bye weeks the Broncos: 1-4, the Titans: 5-0. Is it possible that one goes to the playoffs while the other does not? yup. 


Chris Johnson is the best runningback in the league... that goes for you too Adrian Peterson.

New Orleans Saints (-9.5) over WASHINGTON REDSKINS

Would anyone be angry to see one of the worst franchises in the history of the NFL be the first team to go 16-0 and win the Super Bowl? I guess I'm just saying if I can't see the Cowboys do it... go 'Aints.


P.S. Top of the division to you Redskins!

Philthadelphia Eagles (-5.5) over ATLANTA FALCONS

Ask Marion Barber last year about the impact of turf toe. Matty-ice is probably not alright, and neither are the Falcons chances of making the playoffs. Drop a homophobic slur, Tony Gonzalez, it's the only way to get yourself on a championship contender.

P.S. Top of the division to you too Eagles!

San Diego Chargers (-13) over CLEVELAND BROWNIES

See? Another late season fantasy run for LaDainian Tomlinson that will end up making him not such a bad fantasy pickup after all. Someone take old yeller (the browns) out back and put him down already.


SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (even) over San Francisco 49ers

Nuva Ring. 


Dallas Cowboys (-2.5) against NEW YORK GIANTS

It's officially the first week of December... which means it's officially time for Romo's sphincter to tighten up air-tight.


I have remained successful by not picking Dallas Cowboy games, they have gone 2-0 since I have forgone expectation and I see no reason to change things now. Especially with this daunting December schedule remaining:

at New York
home vs. San Diego
at New Orleans
at Washington
home vs Philly

ugh.

So for possibly the last time this season... Top of the division to you everybody!

ARIZONA CARDINALS (+5.5) cover Minnesota Vikings

How awesome was Vince Young punking Matt Lienart on the final drive... again.


Baltimore Ravens (+3) over GREEN BAY PACKERS

Running game and Defense vs Passing game... eh... whatev.



Comments, criticisms, and creole:


Greg writes: All right, you called the Broncos getting blindsided by the hype wagon. I'll give you that. Being a Cowboys fan, nobody can see that catastrophe coming from farther away than you.

But now the hype is going against the Broncos again. In an NFL.com survey, 70% of the roughly 22,000 people who voted said that the Chargers would take this matchup. It looks like the same old story we've seen before: Denver gets an early lead, San Diego falters, then recovers just in time to treat the good citizens of Colorado to a strong helping of shame to go with their Thanksgiving turkey. Yum.

Call me bananas, but that's not going to happen this year.

This is a different team, with a different frame of mind. Win or lose this Sunday, being considered an underdog again will be enough for the Denver Broncos to pick themselves up, dust off the tiara and glass slippers, and become a Cinderella story again.

Oh, you'll see another fist pump.

Also- I sincerely hope that Bret Favre plays until he's 50. I want to see an NFL player whose health insurance is covered by the AARP.

That's all I was really saying. The Broncos really don't want to lose that edge, it's the only way they can make up for the lack of talent, and depth on the defensive line.


Having said that (Curb your enthusiasm reference), it doesn't mean the Broncos are going to be able to channel this to get into the playoffs. In fact I'll lay it out right now. Broncos lose their playoff spot to the Pittsburgh Steelers and Tennessee Titans. Have fun debating whether or not the Broncos should burn a first round pick on a quarterback next year, thus forgetting about the defense... again.

Somebody give Brett Favre a concussion already.

New Moon Rising.

Chicks. Who get's em?

If you haven't heard from every female's facebook status, MTV, or pretty much every news outlet that is already showing the lines of girls ages one to one hundred lining outside local movie theaters... an installment of the Twilight series "New Moon" drops at midnight tonight. song.

Temporarily forget the fact that this is another contraption contrived by the female psyche to further increase the unattainable expectations placed on men in society.... now I have to be a vampire too? I think the reaction to this movie or book, or both, provides us (those with hang-downs) a revelation into that that is girl. It's safe to say that we (those with balls) will never understand the opposite gender, but every theory is worth at very least discussing.

Thesis: The connection between girl and "x" is viewed by girl as a dating relationship.

Consider the girls you know. How many of them have had their other girl-friends (not that kind stay focused) over a long period of time? If anything, isn't it on-again-off-again at best? Put anything in "x" in the thesis and see if it works.

The connection between girl and "ice cream" is viewed by girl as a dating relationship. Sounds about right. Ice cream is the "rebound guy" that after a while "isn't good for them" and shortly dumped thereafter.

The connection between girl and "purse" is viewed by girl as a dating relationship. Check. As I watch my beloved females dig through keys, lip gloss, bananas, pockets, receipts, basic first aid, in their purse I can't help but think those things are anything but functional. And neither are we (those with a scrotum). How many times have you heard them say "god I hate this thing" as you wait for a quarter, only to see it dumped for a better looking, less functional one later.

The connection between girl and "girl" is viewed by girl as a dating relationship. And by societal rules, you can only date one girl at a time. It's why girls hate other girls. They're jealous, spiteful, or disinterested in them. This is why the glass ceiling is taking so long to break down. It's like the tribes of the Native Americans. If they could have just united against the white man maybe meth addiction wouldn't be such a problem in the reservation communities. Hell.. maybe I would be living on a reservation. Instead, the Iroquois allied with the English, and the Huron allied with the French.

Likewise, just when you think they are all united behind Twilight, they remain divided between team Edward and team Jacob. The thing with relationships is that I don't get them, and therefore I don't get them. The thesis is beautifully cyclical. I duno. I don't get it. And I never will. But boy do I love them and their boobs.

(apologies to the ladies out there.. only joking...I love you all... I'm just not Edward Cullen-oscopy)

Last week: 8-4
All time: 69-68... I'm back above five hundo bitches


Miami Dolphins (+3) over CAROLINA PANTHERS

It's no secret I don't like Lebron James. (see here... and here) I think the overriding aspect of what I don't like about him is that primarily, he is "mainstream." It's why I prefer Carmelo Anthony over Lebron James and Dwayne Wade. It's why I prefer Jay Cutler to Tony Romo. It's why I prefer the deceased Kurt Cobain to the living Eddie Vedder. SI.com to ESPN.com. Vh1 classic to Vh1. Paint drying to MTV.

Fundamentally everything that is "mainstream" anymore seems to me is just really a facade for "all about the money," isn't it? Call me an idealist but I prefer the people that "stick to their guns" so to speak, rather than selling themselves out to what everyone wants them to be. Look, if you are what everyone wants you to be then it's no secret you'll be making the most money. That's just simple supply and demand. But that's why Kurt Cobain ate a shotgun like a bowl of Peanut Butter Captain Crunch (it cuts the roof of your mouth). He saw his music becoming part of the "machine" of what "everyone wanted." And it literally killed him. Yeah, he took it a little far I guess, but at least he stood for something. Eddie Vedder used to brilliantly portray the teenage angst and flip off "the man," now he's on Target commercials. Likewise it brings me back to Lebron James. Lebron could be remembered for one of two things. First, be the first billion dollar athlete, or second, rescue the lives of a couple million Cleveland sports fans who with the Browns, Indians, and and Lebron-less Cavaliers, would otherwise have nothing to cheer for for another 30 years. Money vs. Meaning. I just think the latter is far cooler.

I guess what I'm really trying to get at is that Ricky Williams is one of my favorite athletes of all time, and he gets no love.

People talk about Tim Tebow as the greatest college football player of all time. Did you know Ricky Williams holds or shares 20 NCAA records? This man broke Tony Doresett's previous 22 year long career rushing record in college, even though it was out-done the next year by Ron Dayne. The man won a Heisman. Drafted fifth overall by the New Orleans Saints he appeared in a wedding dress on the cover of ESPN the magazine.

Oh yeah.... this guy was also drafted by the Phillies out of High Shcool!

After the 'Aints sucked, Ricky was traded to the Miami Dolphins. There, he became the NFL's leading rusher (1853 yards in one season).... And then the marijuana stories kicked in. Now, it is of the opinion of this column that Ricky was unfairly targeted for being a little "different," he often did interviews with his helmet on, and was often shy and curt with the media. Ricky Williams would fail four drug tests for testing positive for the ganja, leading to his retirement, and one year suspension from the NFL.

During his retirement, Ricky studied Ayurveda, an ancient holistic Indian medicine, supposedly contributing to his fourth failed drug test. You know?... It's just Ricky doing his thing. I don't think marijuana has ever been labeled a performance enhancer (though my golf game, financial analysis, and comedic timing might tell you otherwise... even if it is in my own mind). But regardless, Ricky has been labeled a no good hippie washed up football player ever since.

Now he's back.Last year, and for the first half of this season, he has been the second head of a double craniumed monster rushing attach that NFL teams have had to grudgingly game plan for week in and week out. Now, Ronnie Brown is out for the season, and the holistic healer finds himself the feature back. A final hurrah for Ricky to show everyone he ain't done. All I'm tryin' to say is... go Ricky.. I dedicate thursday's bowl to you. (and carry my fantasy team to glory) 

DETROIT LIONS (-3.5) over Cleveland Browns

A question, what are the odds the Browns fire Mangini and hire their third Bill Belichik assistant with a thyroid glandular problem Charlie Weiss? A note about Charlie Weiss, one coach has led one of the all time great college football programs to a 35-25 record, one coach has led an all time great college football program to a 13-24 record... Which one is for sure getting fired?... That would be Charlie Weiss.

In recent reading, I'm more confident than ever that Hawk love will be taking his program sodomization out of Boulder, but still, the fact that it is still "up in the air" is questionable at best.

And as for Lebron talking about playing for the Browns... shut the fuck up Glen Davis.


Buffalo Bills (+8.5) cover JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS

If no one even goes to watch this game, do the Jags really have a home-field advantage?

Shanahan agreeing to coach the Bills may be like settling for the cool chick, instead of waiting for the knockout to inevitably break up with her boyfriend. The thing about it, the cool chick has a great personality that you get along great with. It has the potential to turn into a long lasting and productive relationship. Sure the knockout is well, a knockout... but chances are she'll probably just move on to someone else when she gets bored with you. Teams like the Cowboys and the Redskins are like those knockouts, sure there may be some early success, the talent is there, potential for some championships, and lots of awesome sex. But the knockout isn't going to let you take your time, build to something long term that could be great like the cool chick. The Bills are the cool chick with personality talent like Lee Evans, Marshawn Lynch, and Fred Jackson. So the question is, is Shanahan looking for meaning, or is he more interested in seeing a hot body naked?


KANSAS SHITTY CHIEFS (+10) cover Pittsburgh Steelers

Steelers and big spreads, on the road, what do you know about it? It's the one sure fire bet I can take every week.

My homeboy Jerry Pie would tell you Polamalu is falling victim to the "Madden Curse." But that doesn't explain Larry Fitzgerald's lack of injury (jynx!). So naturally, it's clearly the Head and Shoulders commercials that are obviously weakening Hair Polamalu's knees.

The bigger problems really are that, thhat Hair-four defense needs to step up.

The Hair-fensive line can't protect the quarterback.

And most importantly, the super bowl Hair-v-p, hair-tonio Holmes can't find the endzone.


BALTIMORE RAVENS (+1) over Indianapolis Colts

B-more, I'm begging you. Beat these chumps from Indianapolis. Watch this game and tell me how many times they show head coach Jim Caldwell moving his mouth, or any part of his face for that matter. You're expecting me to believe this guy is coaching the team? I refuse to believe Peyton Manning can coach and quarterback a team to the Super Bowl.... I REFUSE IT!

NEW YORK GIANTS (-6.5) over Atlanta Falcons

The laws of the NFC East will not allow the Cowboys or Eagles to pull away with the division. Therefore... Giants win. 


San Francisco 49ers (+6.5) cover GREEN BAY PACKERS

Patrick Willis is the new best Middle Linebacker in the league. If you don't believe me. Just look at him. Reminiscent of the Predator that takes on Arnold Schwarzenegger, a challenge not easily taken, and almost beats him, instead resorting to the tactical nuke after death. (still doesn't kill Awnold) 

MINNESOTA VIKINGS (-10.5) over Seattle Seahawks

Oh great, Brett Farve is looking to come back for another year. Brad Childress opened the mummy's tomb hence resurrecting a vengeful, ancient, quarterback and releasing an unstoppable curse upon the earth. Someone call Brenden Frazier. 

Washington Redskins against the DALLAS COWBOYS (-11)

Never bet on a Cowboys-Redskins game. Never. The only thing more embarrassing than my overall picks record, is my overall record picking my favorite team the Dallas Cowboys. I don't know if I'm blinded by my love of the franchise, or Tony Romo and the rest of the Cowboys are simply too unpredictable, but I can't figure them out at all.

Therefore, and for the sake of my pride and laws of jynxing, I am abstaining from picking any 'Boys games for the rest of the season. I have been treated so unpredictably by my team, that I can't put any kind of emotional weight on any game because it just makes the highs and lows too much to bear. It's suffice to say that from now on, Cowboy fan should not expect anything. If we win we win, if we lose we lose. Until there is an appearance in another Super Bowl, any expectations placed on this team will only lead to a broken heart, and most likely mental institution. Go Cowboys.


New Orleans Saints (-11) over TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS

Drew Brees and the Saints are due for a blowout.

Arizona Cardinals (-9) over ST LOUIS RAMS

Start respecting the Cardinals.


New England Patriots (-10.5) over NEW YORK JETS

Did you know Bill Belichik went for it on 4th and 2 from inside his own 30 yard line? Brett Favre thinks this amount of coverage is ridiculous. (not once have I spelled that word correctly the first time)

Tack on Rex Ryan to the list of people I wish would catch the 3:10 to Yuma in the face. If your keeping track the list so far is 1. Lebron James 2. Glen Davis 3. Rex Ryan. This guy's act is officially weaker than the flavor of Vitamin Water. (South Park shout out)

First we had the shit talking which was mildly humorous to a certain extent when he was backing it up with wins. Now, the Jets are 4-5 and instead of making being able to motivate his team and pulling them together, he's turned into a blubbering, fat, beached whale. Is it coincidence that two out of my oncoming train list are now known nationally to have cried in front of other grown men without winning a championship? It absolutely is not. Is it coincidence that two out of the three are overweight? It absolutely is not. Is it coincidence that all three carry themselves with a undeserved sense of accomplishment? It absolutely is not.

JOAKLAND RAIDERS (+9.5) cover Cincinnati Bengals

What do you think the final straw was for benching Jamarcus Russel. Really? It took ten weeks to figure out Jamarcus Russel couldn't even see time at the University of Colorado? This reminds me of this press conference of Al Davis firing Lane Kiffin. Is this the greatest press conference of all time? I'm not sure. It's certainly an epic. We are talking a bonafide five act Shakespearean tragedy including a letter presumably written on the john five minutes before Al went on camera. (minute 7:20)  

Oh, so that's why Jamarcus Russel was starting. Nothing exemplifies the state of a once great football organization like this video clip. It's absolutely beautiful. Really nothing short of poetry. It's hard to hate the Raiders when the "rainman" is running the team.

By the way, no one can see the letter Al... people are just trying to get the hell out of there. People get volunteer hours for listening to old people ramble at nursing homes all the time. Focus that 1986 projector for God's sake. Oh yeah, and nice desk lamp...who said senior citizens can't hang with the young folk.


Philadelphia Eagles (-3) over CHICAGO BEARS

Best Onion headline of all time: "Lovie Smith becomes first African-American coach to lose the Super Bowl"

Just run the damn ball in the redzone.

Tennessee Titans (+4.5) over HOUSTON TEXANS

I just can't ever bet against a team with Chris Johnson on it. No matter how far behind the Titans get, they are one to three draw plays away from tying or winning the game. I'm not completely sure you can even say that about Adrian Peterson. I'm just psyched about my new favorite runningback.

San Diego Chargers (-2.5) over DENVER BRONCOS

Whoops! Becca thanks for keeping me honest, I can't believe I missed this one... but you had to know who I was picking....

How badass is Josh McDaniels' fist pump around Invesco Field at Mile High now? Look I don't want to say I told you so.... but damnit I told you so. Just call me Nostradamus coming out of the Broncos bye week. The Broncos have returned to their talent level. The funniest thing about the Broncos 6-0 start was their "revamped defense." Whenever one of my Bronco fan friends gave me this gem, my response was always the same. "Really? name your starting defensive line and linebackers." Instantaneously the look of cockiness and glee was wiped from their face as they tried to name someone beside Elvis Dumervil and DJ Williams.

"Exactly" I would pompously reply.

The Broncos are a team of no names. Elvis Dumervil was averaging almost 2 sacks a game before the bye week.... he has about two in the last 3 games.

Yes, I underestimated the "everyone is against us" attitude the Donkeys were playing with in the beginning of the season. But the true test of good teams is how they can handle adversity. The Broncos D was supposedly the strength of the team. Bronco fan thought, well... even if teams figure out that all they have to do is sit on 15 yard slant and hook routes, at least our defense can step up and keep them in it. The problem is, the Broncos defense is remembering that it's the Broncos defense.

Maybe you have an excuse that the Broncs couldn't move the ball against the horrid Washington Redskins because the starting quarterback was out, you have no excuse for letting Jason Campbell and LeDell Betts to drive the ball up your untalented asses.

Uh oh!

"how we makin' money on the 'Buffs this week" pick: Buffs (+17.5)
"how we makin' money on the 'Buffs this week" record: 3-2

Special note on the Buffs. As we all patiently await another nationally televised beat down of our football program it's important to maintain some rooting interest in the University of Colorado athletic program. Screw football, I'm not talking about rooting for Tyler Hansen to keep it within 17.5 points, I'm talkin about CU basketball. The buffs are out to their first 3-0 start since 2001-2002... the year after that they went to the tournament. The Buffs actually have athletes. Gatorade's Mr. Basketball in the state of Missouri Alec Burks (yes he's black) plays for the buffs and is averaging near 20 points a game. Not to mention there is free stuff at every home game. The Buffs play Gonzaga at 1pm on ESPN2 in the Maui Invitational. Go Buffs. 

Comments, Criticisms, and Creole.

No comments or criticisms... so here's some creole! toot that horn Satchmo.

Selling Our Soul

Forever young. Undersized. Overhyped. Irrelevant.

Are these the modifiers I'm using to describe the University of Colorado's football program? Yes and no.

The football team is just the most public, tangible, representation of an athletic program-wide schmuck show. What's the only thing worse than University football? University basketball. University can't even buy a Ceal Barry. (took me five minutes to look up how to spell that)

With this kind of system-wide failure, no one should be spared criticism, or at very least a watchful eye. This problem may very well start at the very top. A someone who generates money, notoriety, and tradition to the University of Colorado.

Ralphie V. I'm lookin' at you.

1966-1978: "The Legend"

The father of a University freshman, generous John Lowery, donated a six month old buffalo calf from Sedgewick, Colorado. This young buffalo calf, at the time unaware of the tradition and history that she would bestow on a University (nor the body structure she would provide to this essay), was affectionately named "Raalph," after the sound the handlers made after they ran her. Look it up.

Shortly after Raalph began representing the University, it was discovered that she, was actually a she. Naturally the feminine modification of the human bodily function was applied. And Ralphie was born.

Notoriously wild, the handlers had to take her on morning runs roughly lasting two hours before gametime so she would remain calm. At the conclusion of such a run, the University's student section would erupt in the "Buffalo Stomp." The "Buffalo Stomp" has since been banned and nearly erased from the annals of time, but according to legend, was such an explosive force it caused physical damage to the stadium.

Head Coach Eddie Crowder was approached about the possibility of running Ralphie on the field before the homecoming game of 1967. Delighted by the idea, Ralphie ran in the University of Colorado-Oklahoma State game. (A 10-7 loss) The institution of the Ralphie Run has been a Colorado tradition ever since.

Along with gaining Boulder fame, Ralphie would capture the nation at the turn of the decade. In 1970, the world hung to every word on radio, TV, and newspapers regarding Ralphie's kidnapping by Air Force Academy cadets. The full extent of the horrors and rumored zoophilia forced upon Ralphie have never been released by the US government. Officials have since not been available for comment, and when contacted by FreeLance Word responded, "What buffalo?"

Alas this victim was not without controversy. In the subsequent year of her kidnapping, Ralphie was again thrust into the national spotlight with her 1971 election as Homecoming Queen, thus achieving the highest cross-species title since Caligula named his horse Incitatus to the Roman Senate.

Ralphie became ill and retired in 1978. Her name is immortal. Between military intrigue and fighting to break the cross-species glass cieling, Ralphie attended every home football game for 13 years. Her history would see 85 wins to 49 losses, including one Big Eight championship, and the beginning of a tradition.

1978-1987: "Moonshine"

It's hard to follow the legend, especially when someone changes your name. Nicknamed "Moon" which was short for Moonshine, a type of home-distilled alcohol, the buffalo did not experience the same winning flavor of  football as her predecessor. (40-71) Yet, she carried on the torch in a different way. One could make the argument that Moon instilled an alcoholic undertone to the University that has since remained with it, and always will.

Flawed by her widely speculated battle with alcoholism, she was tragically found in a Fraternity closet deceased and covered in racial, gender, and homophobic slurs in Sharpie marker following a 37-17 CU win over Stanford. The notorious partier brought the University into the famed era of "top-20 party school" rankings, and set up for the next decade of Colorado greatness.

1987-1997: "The Institution"

The unexpected yet anticipated death of Moon forced Ralphie III into action much earlier than expected. Already being groomed as the prototype Ralphie, and after only five weeks of training, the "prototype Ralphie" originally named "Tequila," made her debut in a 27-10 vic over Mizzou. One would be hard pressed to find a better pound for pound Ralphie. If Ralphie I was the trailblazing winner, and Ralphie II was the party, Ralphie III was the best of both worlds. Maintaining the rich alcoholic tradition, Ralphie was witness for 73 games in her tenure, including eight bowl games, the rise of the University of Colorado as a "party powerhouse," and a National Championship. The Buffs went 98-29 during Tequila's reign as Ralphie.

Leading the golden age of Buffalo football, Ralphie III once ripped free from her handlers at the '93 Fiesta Bowl roaming free for a time and rallying the charge. The most successful Ralphie in school history would pass in early 1998, and was forever remembered in State government. Shortly after her death, Colorado State Sentate passed State Resolution 98-10 which reads as follows:

WHEREAS, Ralphie III, the University of Colorado bison who for 12 years rumbled across Folsom Field to the cheers of thousands, has died; and
WHEREAS, Because of her advanced age, 13 ­year ­old Ralphie III was scheduled to retire after the upcoming football season, but instead the half-­ton bison died of natural causes recently at her home in Hudson, Colorado; and
WHEREAS, Ralphie III led the CU Buffaloes football team onto the field in 73 games at the start of both halves, including 62 times at Folsom Field in Boulder, 8 bowl games at locations throughout the country, and 3 games in Fort Collins; and
WHEREAS, Ralphie III traveled to Anaheim, California in 1990 for the Pigskin Classic, but Anaheim Stadium authorities would not let her run on the field, the only disappointing experience in her otherwise illustrious career; and
WHEREAS, While Ralphie III will be sadly missed, the legacy of the running of the bison will be carried on with the donation of Ralphie IV; now, therefore,
Be It Resolved by the Senate of the Sixty-­first General Assembly of the State of Colorado:
That the University of Colorado and fans alike have lost a most beloved mascot and are saddened by the occasion of Ralphie III's death.
Be It Further Resolved, That a copy of this resolution be sent to the University of Colorado's athletic department, President John Buechner, each member of the board of Regents of the University of Colorado, John Parker, the ranch owner who cared for Ralphie III, and the 14 University of Colorado students who are the bison handlers.

—CO SR 98-10

The institution of Ralphie in state law.

1998-2007 : "Kinda like Lance Armstrong"

The legend of Ralphie IV would begin shortly after "Rowdy's" birth. Born on media titan Ted Turner's "Flying D Ranch," (that's what she said?) she was separated from her mother at one month old. Unfortunately for Rowdy, neither her mother nor the ranch hands were the first to find her. Wandering aimlessly around the Flying D, calling her mother's name in the night, a dark figure appeared in the moonlight. Soon thereafter, Rowdy was found in the jaws of a coyote. Clinging and fighting to life, Rowdy was rushed to The Flying V medical center. Surviving the attack, Rowdy remained in a near vegetative state being bottle fed for much of her young life.

Fortunately for the University, Rowdy is a fighter, a survivor. At 1,300 lbs and capable of reaching speeds of 25 miles per hour, she became one of the biggest and fastest Ralphies ever to live.

Ralphie IV's "livestrong" victims of predatory carnivores awareness campaign (lawsuit still pending) generated income for the advancement and protection of future Ralphies. In November of 2002, Violet Stramburg, a 96 year old lifelong University football fan, donated her life savings of $40,730 to Ralphie, thereby insuring protection and care for all future buffaloes that would carry the name Ralphie, and screwing her living family out of those new matching Hyundai's they've been looking at.

Known for being temperamental, Ralphie IV took her last run on November 23, 2007 in the 65-51 win over Nebraska. The Buffs have not flirted with .500 or beaten Nebraska since.

The fightin' Rowdy Ralphie IV would retire with a Buffalo record of 70-60. Having the shortest tenure as Ralphie, it has been rumored Rowdy became unhappy with the direction the program was going, and was hence asked to resign. Currently living in Hendersen, Colorado, Rowdy still has yet to be reached for an opinion.

2007-present: "The Buffs suck"

Born in October 2006, Ralphie V, nicknamed "blackout," made her debut in 2008. Allegedly faster than previous Ralphie, she is in all reality undersized. Ralphie is listed at 450 lbs, and if you've see her in person, 450 lbs soaking wet and wearing lead shoes. At 3 years old, Ralphie V is still smaller than her predecessors and handlers will off-handedly admit she may not grow as big as they originally thought.

Isn't this where the University of Colorado's football program is at right now? We can't even get a big time Ralphie in the program.

What do we learn from each of the Ralphies? They all had a little personality that made them fit with the culture at CU. Ralphie I started a tradition. Ralphie II instilled alcohol into the culture. Ralphie III is just a winner. Ralphie IV was pissed off. Ralphie V is the representation of the University selling out.

In all seriousness Ralphie isn't the reason the University's revenue bearing athletics are in the dumper. Rather it's just a representation of why they are in the dumper.

University of Colorado Administration has been attempting to change the culture at CU for the last decade. After consistently being regarded as a party school, a couple of student-alcohol related deaths, and a sex scandal, it is no secret the University has sought to crack down. The Greek System is no longer acknowledged by the University (though are still subject to discipline somehow), Boulder PD loves giving MIP's almost more than parking tickets, and the Athletic Director brought in a "good guy" to put a good face on the athletic program.

The problem with this, is the attempt to change the culture and tradition that makes CU, CU. The problem with CU and Ralphie V, is that they have no personality anymore.

It's hard to take the sex out of Boulder when the people that live there are notoriously sexy. It's hard to take the party out of Boulder with a place as unique in its atmosphere as the Hill. It's hard for people to not smoke weed and go to class when it's a 65 degree cloudless day and one can gaze at the snow sprinkled flatirons.

It's time for Colorado administration to just embrace this already. Colorado is what it is. A place mainly upper-class kids attend to get an education as good as pretty much anywhere, but mainly to have a great time. The same things that attract the average English major, used to attract the big time Tailback or Defensive End. Dan Hawkins just doesn't fit.

Colorado students fundamentally don't care about the life philosophies, responsibility, and the family life. Colorado students are out to have a good time, and a good time isn't watching a bunch of "good eggs" getting the snot beat out of them by legitimate athletic programs, a good time is watching their team win. The football team's graduation rate is achieving the highest it has ever been, and its win rate is achieving the lowest it has ever been.

So here we are, watching the undersized, tamer, and more manageable Ralphie run across the football field leading a team of undersized, tamer, and more manageable athletes.

I shouldn't be able to have a puncher's chance of beating our starting quarterback and best receiver in a fight. But i do. I don't want players that are "great for the community," I want wins.

The Hawkins family just doesn't fit in here. Maybe the good guy attitude works when you're recruiting the Mormons at Boise State, it doesn't work when you're recruiting against Mac Brown, Bob Stoops, Bo Pelini, Mike Gundy, etc. etc. etc. in the Big XII. Dan Hawkins can't sell the University outside of a beautiful hike in Chautaqua Park. Cody Hawkins can't treat a recruit to a good time with a full solo cup of milk in his noodle arm.

Three out of the Five Ralphies are named in relation to alcohol. Now, CU has lost it's originality, resorting to stealing "blackout" from the Penn State "whiteout." Instead of chalking up alcohol related deaths to Darwinism, CU takes the responsibility. Instead of selling what makes CU different than any other school, CU sells the statistics that make it the same as every other school. Instead of recruiting real athletes, CU recruits a happy face.

Dan Hawkins can't win any games without Gary Barnett's players.

Anyone in any kind of relationship will tell you they were first attracted to their other by the looks, but stuck around for the personality. CU is losing theirs. No one represents the soul of the University of Colorado like the mighty buffalo Ralphie that runs across the field every gameday, and no one is trying to steal her, or elect her class president.

Piety is not CU. Sobriety is not CU. Dan Hawkins is not CU. The sooner everyone realizes it, and administration stops trying to sell the soul of the University, the sooner the University will be back in a national conversation. Go Buffs.

And then Darrell Scott left. 

We all had to see this coming. It's time for the student's to take a bit of a stand here. Do not show support for this joke of an athletic program. Do not go to the games. Find something better to do. 

Football Friday

Is this the most watched or least watched Sunday of regular season football? If you haven't checked a calendar, it's Halloween Eve, making the morrow slut day 2009!... er Halloween!

In addition to this most reverent holiday landing on a Saturday, it lands on Daylight Savings time, a mind boggling time warp that happens once in the spring and once in the fall. Dress up as a time traveler this Halloween because when time stops for one hour at midnight that night, it allows legal drinking at any friendly bar, pub, saloon, in the state of Colorado, for one extra hour. I'm too simple minded to understand what is actually being accomplished by this shift in the time-space continuum, but I do know that it's an extra hour of staring at scantly-clad "respectable" females under the influence of extra-late bar drinks for an additional hour, which can only end well.

It also starts the first round of football games at 10am instead of it's usual 11am, even though technically it will be 11am, even though it's been 10am for months. Which brings me back to my original point. Will this time wormhole make people go so big to rep the day of the dead they do nothing but sit their half-face painted, hungover, shell of themselves in front of the TV all day and watch football, or will it send the population into a sex and drugs coma that wipes them out for 90% of the next day.

Last Week: 7-6
All Time: 49-51

My insiders to the NFL were able to dig up what each team was going to be for Halloween. Bump the Jam.

BALTIMORE EDGAR ALLEN POE'S (-3) over Denver Jay Cutlers

This is the funniest sports line I've seen in a while. If you have followed, I sarcastically picked the bye week favored by three to cover the spread against the Broncos last week. Now, the undefeated Denver Broncos, coming off of a bye week, to a team sitting at .500, is favored.

I alluded to this last week, this is a huge game for the Broncos. I mean, the biggest game the Donkeys have played all season. Allow me to expand.

You did it Broncos, you proved your team is a capable playoff contender. You proved Big Mac shouldn't be institutionalized. You've already won one more game than I predicted at the beginning of the season. But stop crying about not getting any respect Bronco fan, seriously. Being recognized as a good team is good enough for you right now, there are still some lingering questions that remain to be considered a Super Bowl contender.

Can the Broncos handle the celebrity that comes with winning?

B-Marsh is everywhere. Donning Rockies gear after the Monday Night win, ESPN interviews, and courtside at Nuggets games. It's tasteless to bring up what happened last time Marshall started enjoying himself in the public, but you're not eating me so.... multiple cases of domestic violence, partying and fights in clubs that contributed to, well you know, a murder.

The Broncos are starting to turn the corner on being recognized as a legitimate team. Now instead of being a team that is overlooked on the schedule, the Broncos are a team opponents get jacked up to play. The Broncos will now be getting the best out other teams for the rest of the schedule. This team hasn't been there before, and the motivation of "everyone doesn't believe in us" is all but out the door. Whether or not the Vegas line says so, the Broncos are the hunted.

Can the Broncos handle adversity?

No. Not the kind of adversity that the Broncos experienced during the offseason, the kind where everyone outside the organization is telling them they can't. I'm talking about a key injury, a multi-interception game from Kyle Orton (If Kyle Orton doesn't throw a real interception for the rest of the year I will donate my first born to science), or a bad call by the refs in a critical situation. The Broncos haven't experienced anything close to this yet. I mean I guess unless you count the miracle Cincinnati, but that is precisely my point. The Broncos are just on absolute fire right now. Like the 2007 Colorado Rockies. Unless the Broncos can keep the flame going and finish out undefeated for the rest of the season, no one knows how the Broncos will respond to losing and the subsequent doubt.

Look, this is a good thing. I'm pretty much saying the only thing that can stop the Broncos is the Broncos.... or playing to back down to their actual talent level.... however you want so spin it.

PS... I called this out last week, to all thinking it will be hilarious to be the "cry baby Cutler" for Halloween this year. It's weak. It's obvious. It's nothing you, me, or anyone else came up with by themselves. It's not funny. It's dated. Don't do it.

CHICAGO SUPER BOWL DEFENSE (-13) over Cleveland Fat Girl in Fish Nets

Chicago sucks. But the weird thing about the NFL this year is the four "chunks" of teams this year... My debut of the first 2009-2010 Power Rankings:

Legitimate Contenders Chunk:

Colts, Saints, Broncos (for now)

Any Given Sunday Chunk: (Put any of these teams against each other, anyone can beat anyone)

Vikings, Bengals, Patriots,Giants, Steelers, Cardinals, Falcons, Cowboys, Packers, Eagles, Texans, Jets, Ravens, Bears

I'm Going to Screw Your Parlay Chunk: (You have to bet on these teams, only they aren't very good)

Jaguars, Chargers, 49ers, Bills, Panthers, Dolphins

+20 Chunk: (Teams that get blown out unless they're playing each other)

Raiders, Redskins, Lions, Browns, Chiefs, Rams, Bucs, Titans

No one is really better than any other team in their respective chunk. I almost combined the middle two chunks into just "everyone else," but to believe that some of those "borderline crappy" teams have just too many glaring weaknesses. I can't say I like or dislike the NFL this lopsided, it is what it is.


BUFFALO PLAYERS THAT ACTUALLY WANT TO PLAY IN BUFFALO(+3.5) cover Houston Homeless

Just when you thought Houston was going to make a statement win, In comes Alex Smith and a subsequent near two touchdown down comeback. The Texans just don't want to be good, they want to find a way to lose against inferior opponents, they want to take the easy way out, they want that bagged bottle of booze. The look like they want to be homeless.

San Francisco Mike "Cemetary's" (+13) cover INDIANAPOLIS BARACK OBAMAS

San Francisco is dressing up as the half dead, risen, Mike Singletary. Costume includes rotted flesh makeup, eyes popping out of the head, and of course size 45/35 khakis worn at the ankles.

Working hard or hardly working Indy? Listen to the list of foes slain by the mighty Petyon Manning to start the year out undefeated: Jacksonville, Miami, Arizona, Seattle, Tennessee, St. Louis. Looks about as impressive as Barack Obama's Peace Prize resume.

NEW YORK BADASSES (-3.5) over Miami Wildcats

It's week 8, and Rex Ryan's act is already tired. How ya gonna "fucking kill em" this week Rex? Another multi-interception game from your rookie Sanchize quarterback? Blitzing a "gimmick" offense that seems to light your defense up? You are what you are, a mediocre football team that talks a big game. Hit the mute button until you get back to the playoffs.

"Wildcat" is the word du season this year. Am I the only one that gets a little uncomfortable when aging men stare at me on the TV and say the word "wildcat" over and over again? Boomer Esiason, and every other aging analyst, looks like he's trying to seduce me through the camera by over-pronunciating the word "wildcat." I can only imagine what the hours of erectile dysfunction commercials are doing to these guys sex drives. Couple that with a word old people use to refer to a sexually advanced female partner, and I just have to turn away. Why is it even called the "wildcat" anyway? If memory serves correctly, the formation was instituted by the University of Arkansas with the Darren McFadden and Felix Jones backfield. Their team's mascot is the Razorback. Razorback = wildcat? Now I'm positive it's sexual innuendo. weak.

---------"wildcat!"

DALLAS WIZARD OF OZ CHARACTERS (-9.5) over Seattle Relevant

This just seems like the kind of game an overrated team blows at home, sending the season to imminent peril, and a first round playoff loss. If Tony "the scarecrow" Romo only had a brain he could lead a turnover free offense to an easy win. If Wade "the lion" Phillips only had some courage to be tough and teach discipline to an offensive line that jumps offside five times a game, maybe the Cowboy offense could put together long sustaining drives. If "the tin man" defense had any heart, they could stop opponents on third downs. Jerry "dorothy" Jones is clicking his heals like mad to bring another championship home.

New York Celebrities (even) over PHILTHADELPHIA PHILLIES

The game I am most interested to half be awake to watch on football Sunday. Suddenly the Eagles aren't looking as overloaded with talent as they once were. Talk about a team that could never win the big one like their cohorts that play baseball. Couldn't tell you which team I despise more for the various reasons. Still, game has playoff and division implications. Feasibly, the Dallas Cowboys could be in first place in the division after this week, who would have thunk?

SAN DIEGO PRETENDERS (-16.5!) over Joakland Normal

What a hoot of a line! No one personifies the Chargers more right now than one Shawne Merriman. This guy had one good season and everyone anointed the next great blitzing outside linebacker. One major knee injury and performance enhancer bust later, you can't pick him out on the field. Remember when Chad Esteban Johnson Ochocinco called out Merriman sparking a twitter-off? Who's getting the better of that one?

What does a Raider fan dress up as for Halloween?

TENNESSEE PLEBIANS (-3) over Jacksonville Whatever We Can Find At Savers

Statistically may be the least watched game in I can't remember when. Welcome back Vince Young. Did you know he was in the pro-bowl?

Lendale White needs to be Lendale white for Halloween. Fat Lendale White was far more productive than current "lost 20lbs because I got off the Patron" Lendale White.

Minnesota Pedophiles (+3) cover GREEN BAY "THIS IS TOO IMPORTANT TO DRESS UP"

So It has to be said, Brad Chilldress looks like a pedophile. To make things worse, this story pops up about Childress trying to remind his players "It's just a game, have fun." Picking up Favre from the airport was questionable, the bald-head beard look is questionable, women's clothing is questionable.

DETROIT GOVERNMENT BAILOUT BENEFICIARIES (-4) St. Louis Politically Correct

I don't care about this game, I just like the new matchup.

Carolina Skank Police Officers (+10) cover ARIZONA SKANK NURSES

See? That just made this head to head battle more interesting too.

NEW ORLEANS RISKY BUSINESS GUYS (-10) over Atlanta Balloon Boy Interpretations

New Orleans thinks they are better than everyone else. Whether or not they are remains to be seen, but that is the same sense of pride the dude who busts out the tighty whities, loosely opened button-down shirt, and Ray-Bans has. You, Tom Cruise impersonator, are no different than Boy Scout Skank. Look there's nothing wrong with it I guess, I just think you're coming on a little strong.

Atlanta just seems no better than topical this year.

Happy Halloween everyone, go big.

"how we makin' money on the Buffs this week" pick: Buffs (+3.5)
"how we makin' money on the Buffs this week" record: 2-0

Last week's comments:

Greg: "Are you covering the Winter Olympics? Nothing says new in the sports world like a full, 54 country Power Ranking for Curling. You'll be huge in Sweden. Also - much as I like the idea of a strong Oakland team to give the Heimlich Maneuver to a increasingly boring Broncos-Raiders rivalry, I don't think they've got it in them to take #2 in the AFC West. The reason - fickle San Diego. San Diego is like the slacker who bombs every class on the midterm, then takes his feet off the desk, puts out his cigarette on the No Smoking sign, and aces every class on the Finals. They flat out destroy in December. Even if Oakland makes the quantum leap to a positive record now, there's no way their record will be able to keep up with San Diego's late season shenanigans. So the Raiders are hoping at best for third place in the division this year, and no playoff berth. Or maybe that Al Davis chokes on his shrimp scampi. It doesn't matter anyway. By the start of December, the Broncos will have ten wins at the very least. Game, set, match - division - playoffs."

Broncos already have it locked up, and by no means was I saying the Raiders were going to do anything that would threaten the playoffs. It's just better to see them win some games and flirt with .500. San Diego is the slacker that gets what's coming to them finally this season and has to take the course forgiveness. Tomlinson is too old, their defense is too uninspired, I don't see it.

As for the Winter Olympics, while Sweden is one of those rare "untapped markets," I can't promise a full on curling power-poll as my limited knowledge of Nordic languages and how it even works would be dishonest and unfair. You can however prepare for "hottness" power ranking for the women's curling teams. As I remember, some of those Norwegian countries put together some tight little squads.

Some opening questions for the Winter Games... Will Canada outsource the opening ceremony to the Chinese? Has Apollo Anton Ono aged in the last four years? Is this the one with Michael Phelps? Does Jamaica have a bobsled team this year?

Randy: Oh yeah I forgot about us coming up with FreeLance. I love it

Count it.

What to be not excited, but mainly excited about

Happy Brett Favre week! Thankfully, the NBA season is upon us to partially divert attention from the showdown in Green Bay, I am excited that Brett Favre will be booed. More importantly however, I am excited that the Denver Nugget season is upon us. Since the drafting of Carmelo Anthony, Nugget fan has cheered for a team that lives in a state of unrealized potential. There is a story about particle "collider" that has been designed to recreate the Big Bang and ultimately create the "God particle" or Dark matter that makes up the majority of our Universe. Of course the dangerous alternative is that the scientists create a black hole on Earth of which my scientifically challenged mind can only assume is very bad. After countless mishaps causing the experiment to be continually postponed, there is a theory that someone or thing from the future is coming back in time to prevent a potentially catastrophic event.

Before last year, the past five years have seemed like they were sabotaged by the future. Whether the 2009 Lakers sent Allen Iverson to methodically destroy team chemistry, or a mysterious force gave Nene testicular cancer, there has always seemed to be one thing that prevents the Nuggets from getting over the hump. For some reason laws of nature do not want the Nuggets to win a championship.

Alas, on the day of the 2009-2010 Nugget season debut, a fresh batch of expectations and fears infatuate Nug fan. Here is what I am most excited about, and potentially not excited about for the upcoming season.

Things I'm not looking forward to...

1. Anthony Carter's Party Faux Pas

Might as well start where we left off. The "consummate professional" who displays his veteran leadership on and off the court by throwing balls out of bounds and stepping into wide open 20 foot bricks. These of which of course, come most notably at the climax of emotions during big rallies or end of the game situations. There are few things worse, and unintentionally funnier, than Party Faux Pas. Not to be confused of course with the Party Foul, and there is an important difference.

The "Party Foul" would of course be defined as an accidental, unintentional, action that causes inebriated activities to be temporarily changed or impeded at minimal emotional cost to oneself, or anyone associated with one. For example; swatting half of your filled beer pong cups in an effort to swat the bounce shot. This effects at most four people, and aside from the spill ramifications, no harm done. This contrasts to the "Party Faux Pas," which clearly distinguishes itself by the level of intent one puts into the action, thus increasing its emotional impact and social spotlight on oneself, and potentially its impact on others associated. Perhaps most commonly described as "yikes, took that a little too far," and often leads to "who invited this guy?" For example, the unplanned, unagreed upon, running lay-out beer pong dunk that takes out the entire table. Skying for the beer pong dunk may have seemed funny and original in your own mind, but destroying the pong table and wasting 6-10 beers is only funny and original to you.

Perhaps this is more clearly demonstrated by Anthony Carter, see if this sounds familiar: a steal by JR Smith tunred breakaway is finished with an ally-oop to K-Mart, succeeded by two opposing missed shots resulting in two Melo fast break dunks. With the Pepsi Can crowd on the brink of blowing up at the 10-nothing run, Anthony Carter steals the ball which allows a wide open Carmelo to streak down the court for a tomahawk jam and imminent time out by the opposing coach. And then Anthony Carter bounces the ball of his leg out of bounds.... Aw. Buzzkill. Who invited this guy?

2. The Dahntay Jones size whole in my heart.

We have all learned that defense wins championships. And the Nuggets lost a big part of the perimeter defense that made them so great last year. Aaron Afflalo, does not possess the athletic ability of our recently departed Dahntay Jones, and thereby de facto, not athletic enough to lock down Kobe or LeBron one on one. This goes without saying the intangibles that left with him. He seemed like someone who was able to get inside, if only a little bit, the head of opposing superstars. Kobe Bryant sooner than later wanted to force it over Dahntay just to prove a point, and that sometimes produced bad shots. While the Nuggets can beat Kobe by himself, his cast is a little more difficult. Who among us hates Bruce Bowen the most? But who didn't want him on our team. Whether he's tripping, grabbing nuts, or talking about Kobe's trip to eagle, he provided a positive attribute the team now misses. More than that, Dahntay brought an outrageously courageous interpretation to the spelling of the name Dante.

3. Chris Andersen's New Contract

Don't get me wrong. I'm all about wrapping the Birdman up long term. (that's what she said?) I'm just a little afraid of the effect it might have on him. Birdman is not earning a crackhead's NBA contract anymore. He's been legitimized by society and the league again as a good and rewarded talent. The problem is, the crackhead perception helped him in becoming the second leading shotblocker in the association. Birdman isn't fighting to get off government cheese anymore, no one is telling him he'll never be back to what he once was, and alot more people are looking for revenge against the tall white guy that swatted their weak ass shit into the front row last year. We can remain hopeful that what we saw last year is the only way he knows how to play. But more often than not, the newly gained financial fat slows a man down half a step.

4. Kenyon Martin's "expanded" offensive game

K-Mart's shooting form reminds me of death. Who of you, anyone, anywhere, left off last season saying, "K-Mart needs to shoot more." No, please, thank you, please stop Kenyon. Sure, it seems fair to ask Kenyon to develop his offensive gameplan to the level at which the Nuggets are paying him, but if K-mart hasn't found a jumpshot in aisle three by now in his career, what are the odds of getting one now? I would love a LamarOdomesque three point ball added to the arsenal, but it's just not something you easily install to your software package.

Do you realize K-Mart still has one more year left on his contract. (A player option worth 16mil... you think he's gonna turn that down?)

Look, let's just work on getting an arching jumpshot rather than the WNBA-formed baseball-type line drive of which you currently employ. In fact, screw it. Just park your oft injured rear end on the block where you can sky for oops and put back dunks that makes you the player that you are. This was my problem with the late Marcus Camby. Post players need to stay near the basket. If I wanted a 6'9" athlete smoking fools on outside jumpers, I'd have Carmelo Anthony....

5. Bill Hanzlik's memory span

Lord knows I can't get five minutes of post-game Nuggets highlights and analysis from a national network, so Nugget fan in the greater Rocky Mountain region is force-fed the ever bumbling dunce that is Wild Bill Hanzlik. Going at it with a special olympians diligence, six years have passed for Bumbling Bill at his current analyst position, and the guy still can't memorize a statline. Over/Under: 10 times B-squared looks at his "notes" while stumbling through his first post-game thought.

Perhaps Kroenke leaves him at Altitude Sports & Entertainment to remind everyone watching what the Nuggets were like before he took over in 2000. Bill Hanzlik, who coached the 1997-1998 Nuggets to an 11-71 record; the face of Nugget failure in the NBA. It's the same thing as signing Matt Millen to an analyst broadcaster, these two have proven failed analyst careers (one as a coach, one as a GM) displayed in the most public forum, so they should be feeding me my takeaway points?

6. A Nene Dependency

Not only should Nene be an all-star center this year. He has to be. It's the stag-chili five minutes old in your stomach, you don't know how its gonna go down. My greatest fear for the upcoming season is that the upcoming brilliance of the Nug backcourt will be undone by the mediocrity of the front court. If the Nuggets challenge for an NBA championship this season, it will because Nene is close to averaging 20 and 10. Twenty points. Ten rebounds. Nuggets win an NBA championship.

The front court is dependent on whether or not Nene can step up and dominate the low post when the Nuggets offense needs it. Is this really realistic? I did just ask for an increase in almost six points per game (alright I'll take 18 and 10) in addition to almost four rebounds a game.

Maybe it's not a hard stat that line Nene needs to hit so much as the type of player he needs to become. The Lakers have four seven-footers. Four. The Nuggets only true center, and only seven foot player, is named Johan Petro. It's almost an impossible request to ask Nene to come out the better against the Lakers, however expecting him to at very least give the Pau Gasol/Sugar Ray Odom/Andrew Bynum a legitimate battle is not.

7. Glen Davis

Has absolutely nothing to do with the Nuggets, Glen Davis is simply my least favorite player in the NBA. I hate Glen Davis. I hate the name Glen Davis. I hate his nickname "Big Baby." I hate his body fat. I hate his game. I hate when he cries after KG yells at him. I hate that he is even in the NBA. I hate that people say he is good. I hate when people say he's going to get better. I hate his 3 inch vertical. I hate that it looks like he's wearing a diaper under his shorts. I hate that people even know his name, because they wouldn't if he played for any other team besides the Celtics or Lakers. I hate that he is gets paid to be an athlete. I hate that he has an attitude. I hate when he argues with the refs. I hate his kankles. I hate that he may be capable of reproducing. I hate that he will most likely end up with a greater net worth than me. I hate Glen Davis.

Things I'm looking forward to...

1. Glen Davis being out 6-8 weeks after surgery on his hand.

(see above)

2. Linas Kleiza's deportation

If a tree falls in the middle of the forest, and no one is around, does it make a sound? If Linas Kleiza can't get a job in the NBA, and is forced to a Euro-league, does anyone care? Second only to Anthony Carter in on court party faux pas, who misses Linas Kleiza?

The worst part about Kleiza is that he played like garbage during a contract year. Typically you get the best out of athletes when they are playing for more money, (see birdman) yet here we have Kleiza failing to become a 40% 3-point shooter, maintaining himself as a liability on defense, and only showing hot flashes of what he could maybe, possible, in theory be. Hopefully the Nuggets have finally learned a valuable lesson when it comes to European players.(especially ones from ex-soviet countries or satellites), don't draft them. Speaking of contract years...

3. Maya Starks

Maya Starks is the slightly more eloquent, slightly tanner, slightly thinner, slightly more attractive version of Altitude's courtside reporter Julie Browman. Aside from Birdman and LK, no one had a bigger contract year than Julie Browman. Unfortunately for her, she went the way of LK and not Birdman, and thus is slowly but surely being phased out of her duties with the Nuggets, and relegated to the Junior Varsity that is professional hockey. Few things are greater than contract year heroes and flops... like....

4. George Karl's contract year

A prominent sports writer threw the following stat at Nugget fan in relation to George Karl:

The best five coaching years of Karl's career, along with the following year.
1987 Warriors: 42-40, lost in second round to eventual champs
1988 Warriors: 16-48, fired
1993 Sonics: 55-27, lost Game 7 of Western Conference finals
1994 Sonics: 63-19, lost in first round to No. 8 seed (first time ever)
1996 Sonics: 64-18, lost in NBA Finals
1997 Sonics: 57-25, lost in second round
2000 Bucks: 52-30, lost Game 7 of Eastern Conference finals
2001 Bucks: 41-41, missed playoffs
2009 Nuggets: 54-28, lost in Western finals to eventual champs
2010 Nuggets: ??????
Somehow, this "sportsguy" determined this provided enough trend analysis to conclude "You don't want to ride the George Karl Train after a good year. He gets snippy, the players tire of him, bad things happen, he spends a lot of time standing on the sidelines with his hands in his pockets and that, "Look, I don't care anymore, if they want to go down in flames doing it their way, that's fine, I'll just stand over here" look on his face. Keep your guard up, Nuggets fans." and the 8th seed in the Western Conference. (cough cough)
Why does everyone want the Nuggets to fail?
How about this sportsguy, the 1987-1988 seasons existed when Karl only coached two seasons for that Golden State Warriors team. While this may explain how Karl's players tire of his antics from one year to the next, it fails to apply to a team largely comprised of the same core of players that has been coached by George Karl for five years. You're right, players do get tired of him in year two. However, Kenyon Martin and Melo have already had their blow-ups with George Karl. The Nuggets didn't advance far in the playoffs until Daddy Chauncey told the rest of the Nuggets to buy into Karl's system.
In the 90s, a George Karl led team did not miss the playoffs in the Western Conference, advancing past the first round five times.
I have my quarrels with coach Karl and his "whatever" attitude he displays on the bench. Normally, I couldn't agree more with the sportsguy. I fully expect Karl to hang on to Anthony Carter's playing time over Ty Lawson as long as he can because he believes in his... I have no idea what. But not this year. Not this time. Contract year.
We are talking about a man who is on the same list of all time coaching wins as Pat Reilly and Phil Jackson. We are talking about a man who really won't be legitimized as one of the best coaches ever unless he gets a championship. That's what makes this year different. Choke a big one this year and Karl is out coaching in the NBA cellar of Memphis or Minnesota. There is no margin for error. Expectations are high and an understanding between player and coach has been formed most loudly by the Kenyon Martin and Carmelo Anthony's public support for a contract extension. His career is winding down and it's now or never. He is yet another of the desperate Nuggets seeking to prove their worth. All I'm saying is the Nuggets are going to get Karl's best.

5. The ever present and unfounded bias against the Nuggets
The National Media doesn't know squat about the Denver Nuggets. Think about the only preseason criticisms presented as to why the Nuggets take a step back this year.

"Everything went right for the Nuggets last season and they were one of the most dangerous teams in the league. I'm a little skeptical that everything will go right again. Billups is getting older. Kenyon Martin and Nene have serious injury histories, and J.R. Smith and Carmelo Anthony are volatile." -Chad Ford, espn.com
What in the Lord's good name does that even mean? There's no way Carmelo, JR, and Nene can continue to improve? The Nuggets are somehow more prone to injury than the Lakers' Bynum or the Celtics' Garnett?

"They got to the conference finals last season, but they didn't get better this past summer. Even the champs gotta make moves." J.A. Adande, espn.com

I'm sorry who was in the Western Conference finals last year? With the narrowed playoff player rotation, it seems to me other teams had to make these moves in an attempt to CATCH UP to the Lakers and Nuggets. For the playoff rotation all the Nuggets did was get better at the backup point guard position.

"how do you replace glue guys like Linas Kleiza (a long-range shooter)" -Britt Robson, Si.com

I will not dignify that with a response.
I can't really put a finger on why the National Media hates Denver sports. They have long lasting love affairs with other small market teams like the Spurs, the Packers, and the Rays. But whether its the Nuggets, the Rockies or the Broncos, the excuses for why Colorado sports will undeniably end in failure get more and more creative every year. It's my opinion that they honestly don't believe what they are actually preaching so much that they just really have no idea what they are talking about when it comes to the Denver area. It's just easier to say Denver sports will suck because they can't give a reason to one way or the other. It's not so much a bias against the state as just simple laziness when it comes to doing their job.
For example, I was watching CNN's coverage of the "balloon boy" fiasco in Fort Collins. For some in-depth color commentary and perspective they went to CNN meteorologist and self-proclaimed ex-Denver resident with a knowledge of the area and geography. The poser-buffoon went on to describe how a tin foil balloon, roughly traveling 25 miles per hour, could have feasibly made the distance from Fort Collins to Colorado Springs in about 2 hours. These are people making hundreds of thousands of dollars to deliver us the "news" in an accurate and timely fashion.

There is really no excuse. The state of Colorado gives the nation every possible opportunity to learn and recognize the flagship city and state of the Rocky Mountain region. Colorado busts would be terrorist attacks. Oklahoma City bombers are brought to trial in Colorado. Colorado attempted to put a six year old named falcon on the moon. Columbine. NORAD. Kobe Bryant rapes girls in Colorado (allegedly). The Jimi Hendrix Experience played their last concert together at the Denver Pop festival. Coors Field is the third oldest baseball stadium in the National League. Colorado has world famous surgeons and skiing. Democratic National Convention. Denver International is one of the most traveled airports in the world. What do you want from us? Are you telling me this is all just a Tuesday in San Antonio or Tampa Bay? Sure our state's economy isn't bankrupt (California, Iceland), and we don't have an outrageous crime rate only rivaled by our outrageous unemployment rate. We are more than relevant whether you like it or not. Do your job. And when the polar ice caps melt from global warming like you say National Media, don't come looking for help in the USA's last island of land, Colorado, there isn't enough room between Fort Collins and Colorado Springs for you.

6. JR Smith maturing into SR Smith
I've said it before, and I'll say it again. What is Kobe Bryant capable of doing that JR Smith isn't? I can think of only one thing. Consistency. The thing is, JR Smith is only 24 years young. Twenty Four Years Young. If it's far-fetched to hope JR turns into the spittin' image of Kobe, it's not far-fetched to hope that he develops into something close. We finally enter a season where we expect JR to have developed enough into a full time starter. Nothing gets me more giddy than the possibility of two superstars (Melo, JR) developing their games with a solid team around them. This can be the most glaring reason the media's interpretation of the losses of Dahntay Jones and Linas the Menace is wrong. If JR proves himself as a legitimate consistent JR, he's athletic enough to make up for the defensive loss of Dahntay Jones, and already a good enough offensive weapon to make up for LK.

7. The Nugget Youth
The Nuggets aren't going anywhere for a while. What do all the main contenders have in common this year (sans the Magic and Lakers)? They are getting really old. How much new impactful young talent was infused into the Spurs, Mavericks, Celtics, and Cavs? Every one of these teams is waiting to find out if one of their aging superstars hasn't lost a step, or if they're aging bodies will last the whole season without injury. Doc Rivers has issued a policy banning morning shootarounds on gamedays, instituting a cerfew, and beginning practices no earlier than noon so his players get as much rest as possible. Doc also allows one hour of arts and crafts time, holds public forums about the "young kids" skateboarding on the sidewalks, organizes for grade-school children choirs to entertain the players around the hollidays, and even holds weekly bingo tournaments and raffles!
8. Chris Marlowe and Scott Hastings
My favorite in game broadcasting crew. IT'S HAMMAH TIME!

9. That $10 million trade allowance???
Maybe???
10. Anthony Carter's Party Faux Pas
Hey, party faux pas are awkward and hilarious. And by definition, they eventually to the inevitable "who invited this guy?" and subsequent banishment from the party... make way for Hugh Hefner, Ty Lawson. While the rest of the league is getting older, the Nuggets by all intents, drafted the most NBA ready point guard in the draft last year. Kid's got a National Championship already and showed he is capable of dropping 30 against NBA caliber talent in the final preseason game against the Lakers.
So who is going to step up on the second unit assuming JR claims his rightful claim to the starting role? Enter our new fast break scoring threat Ty Lawson. He just looks good in the powder blue.

11. Carmelo Anthony and his breakout year
Carmelo Anthony will be top three in scoring this year. Carmelo Anthony will be in the discussion for MVP. Carmelo Anthony is going to breakout.

It is the one thing I look most forward to this basketball season. Just as the city of Denver and its sports are way underrated, likewise is Carmelo Anthony. Why this guy has not been embraced by the state as the state's current greatest athlete probably has something to do with his immature past. To me that is what make Melo the man. He's not the "cookie-cutter" athlete that has the roll-a-dex of appropriate cliche answers. He's not the player that shops his brand on Twitter and the like. But most importantly to me, he's not the a player who becomes an unrestricted free agent next year leaving him open to the highest bidder, and he is already open to an extension. Carmelo Anthony is a committed Denver Nugget. Let's, as a fan base, commit to him.
Hey look, there has ended up being more things to be excited about than not. It's going to be a good season.

In the preseason Melo has averaged almost a point a minute. He finally had a break from international basketball, and has dropped his weight from 240 to 228. It's a lean, mean, Carmelo machine. Carmelo is the biggest reason every Nugget fan should look forward to the season. He is the greatest Nugget to over don the uniform, and is about to show you that for sure.





“They’re always going to laugh at the Nuggets; they always laugh at us. This is my seventh season. The last six years, I’ve been asked these same questions. ‘How good can we be?’ People are saying we are not this and we are not that.... We like that, though.” - Carmelo Anthony