Slaughtering of the Fattened Calf

I still have as many NBA championships as Lebron James.

Do not be shocked by the way James left the court after the game six stomping, it was the perfect incarnation of who the “king” is.

Honestly, thank you Lebron, I couldn’t have written it better myself.

"It's hard for me to congratulate somebody after you just lose to them," he (Lebron James) said. "I'm a winner. It's not being a poor sport or anything like that. If somebody beats you up, you're not going to congratulate them. That doesn't make sense to me. I'm a competitor. That's what I do. It doesn't make sense for me to go over and shake somebody's hand." –black jesus

Actually a good point, except that the post-game/post-series handshake is part of the game. Further, it’s part of sports period. Everybody, everywhere, in every sport, at every level has experienced the post game hand shaking ritual from a losing perspective, no body likes doing it, but it’s part of sport. Think back to your own personal experience; your team up by 2 with 2.5 seconds to play, when the ball bounces to the retarded kid, (who’s last name rhymes with a body part, and is only playing because four other kids fouled out) hits a turnaround fadeaway corner three with four hands in his face, sending his team into a “the angels won the pennant”-like frenzy, and your team mocking the special olympics. Or, your team finds itself gravely overmatched, by the third quarter your down 35, the remnants of flem is still wet on your face from a curse lain lecture by your embarrassed coach, one more touchdown and he’s takin it out team managers, moms, children, and the dog.

Anyone who has played sports has been there. And everyone has begrudgingly entered awkwardly into the handshake line despite your embarrassment, anger, and hatred. Did you generally try and fake it and say good game to everyone? Did you do the half-ass hand slap while looking the other way? Did you close the fist so the opponents didn’t have enough time to adjust to your rebellious fist pound? Did you show everyone some love except skip the asshole who was covering you all game? Whatever you did, were you generally excited to engage in this? Did anyone on your team really want to be there?

But you did it. Because it’s part of playing sports. Because it’s an organized fight, not a real fight. You don’t shake the hand of the guy who stole your lunch money, because you didn’t want your lunch money stolen, you didn’t sign up for it. You want to play sports, there is no game without two opponents. The post game hand shaking is as much a demonstration of your appreciation for the game as a whole as it is for your opponent. Plus, half the fun of winning is being on the flip side of the situation. Mandatory acknowledgement of your superiority from the team you just displayed it against makes winning all the sweeter.

To put yourself above this ritual, is to put yourself above the game. No surprise Lebron James did it then. Now, I understand if he’s so completely against it all together. But in that case, don’t chest bump the other team before tip-off, hell, don’t even shake the hands of players you beat, it makes as much sense as shaking hands with the team that just beat you. If you’re a “competitor,” if that’s “what you do,” don’t be one only when you lose. Most Valuable Pussy.

Of course not only did he blow off the Orlando Magic, he blew off his boys in the media too! Come on James, they blow you all season, the least you could do is return the favor… and would it hurt to say you love me once in a while?

The media blowoff to me is telling. What exactly did you not want to talk about? What questions did you not want to answer?

I can think of two.

(Of course they wouldn’t be phrased this way, but my DNA makeup has rendered me physically incapable of ass-kissing, even if it is to prove a point.)

1. “Lebron, did the Cavs lose because of you?”

And a valid question indeed! Because of course, if Lebron James IS the team, and by all implications from himself and (before they lost) everyone else, he is, that means they lost because of him… right? His nick name is the KING! And the “king” did score a Most Valuably Pedestrian 25 points in the Game 6 loss against Orlando. But hey, I’ll give credit where credit is due, he was a freak in this series, and averaged near 40 points per game, which means….

2. “Lebron, did the Cavs lose because of your team?”

What a poignant and resonating inquiry! Hate to say I told you so… read my fist article post… teams win championships. TEAMS!!! The funny thing is this, the Cavs won 66 games this year. That’s a lot of games. Sooo the team was good enough to have the best record in the league… but now it’s their fault they lost in the conference finals? Or was it Lebron is good enough to win 66 games, but it’s his fault that they lost in the conference finals? That’s pretty rough, and quite a paradox.

In this year's playoffs, James was in essence, gift wrapped a trip to the finals. Home-court advantage throughout, a Kevin garnett-less Celtics, an Orlando Magic team sans their starting point guard, a matchup with an expectedly tired Lakers team that had to battle in every playoff series in the western conference (quick finals prediction Lakers in 5)… and still couldn’t get it done. Still… haven’t won a thing.

The team was good enough to earn James this situation; you deserve a gift-wrapped road when you win 66 games in one season. But still, somehow, it’s not King James’s fault the road ended earlier than expected.

What improvements are left to make? The Cavs are a team of shooters built around Lebron James. What else can you do? Would another post player clog up the lane for James’s drives? Didn’t Mo Williams get elected to the all-star game? No matter who Cleveland adds to the lineup, won’t the gameplan still be give it to Lebron and see what happens? And hasn’t that, for the sixth year in a row, proven to be a failed system?

At what point is this guy going to deserve any criticism at all? Think about how many players in the NBA could have gotten away with how James acted after the game. Ron Artest? Ha! Carmelo Anthony? Questions of his maturity would probably arise...again. I feel even Kobe Bryant would have been skewered had the Nuggets taken them down, and Kobe ran away and pouted like a punk.

He is NOT Jordan. It is because he chooses to practice his half court shot, over his mid-range jumpshot that he’s not Jordan. It’s because he does more calling into studios to talk about game winning shots than actually making them that he’s not Jordan. It’s because he chooses to wear number 23 instead of something his own, that he’ll never be Jordan.

When it comes down to it, James’s post game sums up how full of himself he is, and how he can get away with it. Bypassing his opponents and his homeboys in the media says loud and clear that he thinks… “hey, they didn’t beat me… it ain’t my fault.”

At some point it has to be your fault. Most Valuable Pretender.

Countdown: 1 - more season to for Cleveland to win a championship before Lebron James ships to New York.