Football Friday

Is this the most watched or least watched Sunday of regular season football? If you haven't checked a calendar, it's Halloween Eve, making the morrow slut day 2009!... er Halloween!

In addition to this most reverent holiday landing on a Saturday, it lands on Daylight Savings time, a mind boggling time warp that happens once in the spring and once in the fall. Dress up as a time traveler this Halloween because when time stops for one hour at midnight that night, it allows legal drinking at any friendly bar, pub, saloon, in the state of Colorado, for one extra hour. I'm too simple minded to understand what is actually being accomplished by this shift in the time-space continuum, but I do know that it's an extra hour of staring at scantly-clad "respectable" females under the influence of extra-late bar drinks for an additional hour, which can only end well.

It also starts the first round of football games at 10am instead of it's usual 11am, even though technically it will be 11am, even though it's been 10am for months. Which brings me back to my original point. Will this time wormhole make people go so big to rep the day of the dead they do nothing but sit their half-face painted, hungover, shell of themselves in front of the TV all day and watch football, or will it send the population into a sex and drugs coma that wipes them out for 90% of the next day.

Last Week: 7-6
All Time: 49-51

My insiders to the NFL were able to dig up what each team was going to be for Halloween. Bump the Jam.

BALTIMORE EDGAR ALLEN POE'S (-3) over Denver Jay Cutlers

This is the funniest sports line I've seen in a while. If you have followed, I sarcastically picked the bye week favored by three to cover the spread against the Broncos last week. Now, the undefeated Denver Broncos, coming off of a bye week, to a team sitting at .500, is favored.

I alluded to this last week, this is a huge game for the Broncos. I mean, the biggest game the Donkeys have played all season. Allow me to expand.

You did it Broncos, you proved your team is a capable playoff contender. You proved Big Mac shouldn't be institutionalized. You've already won one more game than I predicted at the beginning of the season. But stop crying about not getting any respect Bronco fan, seriously. Being recognized as a good team is good enough for you right now, there are still some lingering questions that remain to be considered a Super Bowl contender.

Can the Broncos handle the celebrity that comes with winning?

B-Marsh is everywhere. Donning Rockies gear after the Monday Night win, ESPN interviews, and courtside at Nuggets games. It's tasteless to bring up what happened last time Marshall started enjoying himself in the public, but you're not eating me so.... multiple cases of domestic violence, partying and fights in clubs that contributed to, well you know, a murder.

The Broncos are starting to turn the corner on being recognized as a legitimate team. Now instead of being a team that is overlooked on the schedule, the Broncos are a team opponents get jacked up to play. The Broncos will now be getting the best out other teams for the rest of the schedule. This team hasn't been there before, and the motivation of "everyone doesn't believe in us" is all but out the door. Whether or not the Vegas line says so, the Broncos are the hunted.

Can the Broncos handle adversity?

No. Not the kind of adversity that the Broncos experienced during the offseason, the kind where everyone outside the organization is telling them they can't. I'm talking about a key injury, a multi-interception game from Kyle Orton (If Kyle Orton doesn't throw a real interception for the rest of the year I will donate my first born to science), or a bad call by the refs in a critical situation. The Broncos haven't experienced anything close to this yet. I mean I guess unless you count the miracle Cincinnati, but that is precisely my point. The Broncos are just on absolute fire right now. Like the 2007 Colorado Rockies. Unless the Broncos can keep the flame going and finish out undefeated for the rest of the season, no one knows how the Broncos will respond to losing and the subsequent doubt.

Look, this is a good thing. I'm pretty much saying the only thing that can stop the Broncos is the Broncos.... or playing to back down to their actual talent level.... however you want so spin it.

PS... I called this out last week, to all thinking it will be hilarious to be the "cry baby Cutler" for Halloween this year. It's weak. It's obvious. It's nothing you, me, or anyone else came up with by themselves. It's not funny. It's dated. Don't do it.

CHICAGO SUPER BOWL DEFENSE (-13) over Cleveland Fat Girl in Fish Nets

Chicago sucks. But the weird thing about the NFL this year is the four "chunks" of teams this year... My debut of the first 2009-2010 Power Rankings:

Legitimate Contenders Chunk:

Colts, Saints, Broncos (for now)

Any Given Sunday Chunk: (Put any of these teams against each other, anyone can beat anyone)

Vikings, Bengals, Patriots,Giants, Steelers, Cardinals, Falcons, Cowboys, Packers, Eagles, Texans, Jets, Ravens, Bears

I'm Going to Screw Your Parlay Chunk: (You have to bet on these teams, only they aren't very good)

Jaguars, Chargers, 49ers, Bills, Panthers, Dolphins

+20 Chunk: (Teams that get blown out unless they're playing each other)

Raiders, Redskins, Lions, Browns, Chiefs, Rams, Bucs, Titans

No one is really better than any other team in their respective chunk. I almost combined the middle two chunks into just "everyone else," but to believe that some of those "borderline crappy" teams have just too many glaring weaknesses. I can't say I like or dislike the NFL this lopsided, it is what it is.


BUFFALO PLAYERS THAT ACTUALLY WANT TO PLAY IN BUFFALO(+3.5) cover Houston Homeless

Just when you thought Houston was going to make a statement win, In comes Alex Smith and a subsequent near two touchdown down comeback. The Texans just don't want to be good, they want to find a way to lose against inferior opponents, they want to take the easy way out, they want that bagged bottle of booze. The look like they want to be homeless.

San Francisco Mike "Cemetary's" (+13) cover INDIANAPOLIS BARACK OBAMAS

San Francisco is dressing up as the half dead, risen, Mike Singletary. Costume includes rotted flesh makeup, eyes popping out of the head, and of course size 45/35 khakis worn at the ankles.

Working hard or hardly working Indy? Listen to the list of foes slain by the mighty Petyon Manning to start the year out undefeated: Jacksonville, Miami, Arizona, Seattle, Tennessee, St. Louis. Looks about as impressive as Barack Obama's Peace Prize resume.

NEW YORK BADASSES (-3.5) over Miami Wildcats

It's week 8, and Rex Ryan's act is already tired. How ya gonna "fucking kill em" this week Rex? Another multi-interception game from your rookie Sanchize quarterback? Blitzing a "gimmick" offense that seems to light your defense up? You are what you are, a mediocre football team that talks a big game. Hit the mute button until you get back to the playoffs.

"Wildcat" is the word du season this year. Am I the only one that gets a little uncomfortable when aging men stare at me on the TV and say the word "wildcat" over and over again? Boomer Esiason, and every other aging analyst, looks like he's trying to seduce me through the camera by over-pronunciating the word "wildcat." I can only imagine what the hours of erectile dysfunction commercials are doing to these guys sex drives. Couple that with a word old people use to refer to a sexually advanced female partner, and I just have to turn away. Why is it even called the "wildcat" anyway? If memory serves correctly, the formation was instituted by the University of Arkansas with the Darren McFadden and Felix Jones backfield. Their team's mascot is the Razorback. Razorback = wildcat? Now I'm positive it's sexual innuendo. weak.

---------"wildcat!"

DALLAS WIZARD OF OZ CHARACTERS (-9.5) over Seattle Relevant

This just seems like the kind of game an overrated team blows at home, sending the season to imminent peril, and a first round playoff loss. If Tony "the scarecrow" Romo only had a brain he could lead a turnover free offense to an easy win. If Wade "the lion" Phillips only had some courage to be tough and teach discipline to an offensive line that jumps offside five times a game, maybe the Cowboy offense could put together long sustaining drives. If "the tin man" defense had any heart, they could stop opponents on third downs. Jerry "dorothy" Jones is clicking his heals like mad to bring another championship home.

New York Celebrities (even) over PHILTHADELPHIA PHILLIES

The game I am most interested to half be awake to watch on football Sunday. Suddenly the Eagles aren't looking as overloaded with talent as they once were. Talk about a team that could never win the big one like their cohorts that play baseball. Couldn't tell you which team I despise more for the various reasons. Still, game has playoff and division implications. Feasibly, the Dallas Cowboys could be in first place in the division after this week, who would have thunk?

SAN DIEGO PRETENDERS (-16.5!) over Joakland Normal

What a hoot of a line! No one personifies the Chargers more right now than one Shawne Merriman. This guy had one good season and everyone anointed the next great blitzing outside linebacker. One major knee injury and performance enhancer bust later, you can't pick him out on the field. Remember when Chad Esteban Johnson Ochocinco called out Merriman sparking a twitter-off? Who's getting the better of that one?

What does a Raider fan dress up as for Halloween?

TENNESSEE PLEBIANS (-3) over Jacksonville Whatever We Can Find At Savers

Statistically may be the least watched game in I can't remember when. Welcome back Vince Young. Did you know he was in the pro-bowl?

Lendale White needs to be Lendale white for Halloween. Fat Lendale White was far more productive than current "lost 20lbs because I got off the Patron" Lendale White.

Minnesota Pedophiles (+3) cover GREEN BAY "THIS IS TOO IMPORTANT TO DRESS UP"

So It has to be said, Brad Chilldress looks like a pedophile. To make things worse, this story pops up about Childress trying to remind his players "It's just a game, have fun." Picking up Favre from the airport was questionable, the bald-head beard look is questionable, women's clothing is questionable.

DETROIT GOVERNMENT BAILOUT BENEFICIARIES (-4) St. Louis Politically Correct

I don't care about this game, I just like the new matchup.

Carolina Skank Police Officers (+10) cover ARIZONA SKANK NURSES

See? That just made this head to head battle more interesting too.

NEW ORLEANS RISKY BUSINESS GUYS (-10) over Atlanta Balloon Boy Interpretations

New Orleans thinks they are better than everyone else. Whether or not they are remains to be seen, but that is the same sense of pride the dude who busts out the tighty whities, loosely opened button-down shirt, and Ray-Bans has. You, Tom Cruise impersonator, are no different than Boy Scout Skank. Look there's nothing wrong with it I guess, I just think you're coming on a little strong.

Atlanta just seems no better than topical this year.

Happy Halloween everyone, go big.

"how we makin' money on the Buffs this week" pick: Buffs (+3.5)
"how we makin' money on the Buffs this week" record: 2-0

Last week's comments:

Greg: "Are you covering the Winter Olympics? Nothing says new in the sports world like a full, 54 country Power Ranking for Curling. You'll be huge in Sweden. Also - much as I like the idea of a strong Oakland team to give the Heimlich Maneuver to a increasingly boring Broncos-Raiders rivalry, I don't think they've got it in them to take #2 in the AFC West. The reason - fickle San Diego. San Diego is like the slacker who bombs every class on the midterm, then takes his feet off the desk, puts out his cigarette on the No Smoking sign, and aces every class on the Finals. They flat out destroy in December. Even if Oakland makes the quantum leap to a positive record now, there's no way their record will be able to keep up with San Diego's late season shenanigans. So the Raiders are hoping at best for third place in the division this year, and no playoff berth. Or maybe that Al Davis chokes on his shrimp scampi. It doesn't matter anyway. By the start of December, the Broncos will have ten wins at the very least. Game, set, match - division - playoffs."

Broncos already have it locked up, and by no means was I saying the Raiders were going to do anything that would threaten the playoffs. It's just better to see them win some games and flirt with .500. San Diego is the slacker that gets what's coming to them finally this season and has to take the course forgiveness. Tomlinson is too old, their defense is too uninspired, I don't see it.

As for the Winter Olympics, while Sweden is one of those rare "untapped markets," I can't promise a full on curling power-poll as my limited knowledge of Nordic languages and how it even works would be dishonest and unfair. You can however prepare for "hottness" power ranking for the women's curling teams. As I remember, some of those Norwegian countries put together some tight little squads.

Some opening questions for the Winter Games... Will Canada outsource the opening ceremony to the Chinese? Has Apollo Anton Ono aged in the last four years? Is this the one with Michael Phelps? Does Jamaica have a bobsled team this year?

Randy: Oh yeah I forgot about us coming up with FreeLance. I love it

Count it.

What to be not excited, but mainly excited about

Happy Brett Favre week! Thankfully, the NBA season is upon us to partially divert attention from the showdown in Green Bay, I am excited that Brett Favre will be booed. More importantly however, I am excited that the Denver Nugget season is upon us. Since the drafting of Carmelo Anthony, Nugget fan has cheered for a team that lives in a state of unrealized potential. There is a story about particle "collider" that has been designed to recreate the Big Bang and ultimately create the "God particle" or Dark matter that makes up the majority of our Universe. Of course the dangerous alternative is that the scientists create a black hole on Earth of which my scientifically challenged mind can only assume is very bad. After countless mishaps causing the experiment to be continually postponed, there is a theory that someone or thing from the future is coming back in time to prevent a potentially catastrophic event.

Before last year, the past five years have seemed like they were sabotaged by the future. Whether the 2009 Lakers sent Allen Iverson to methodically destroy team chemistry, or a mysterious force gave Nene testicular cancer, there has always seemed to be one thing that prevents the Nuggets from getting over the hump. For some reason laws of nature do not want the Nuggets to win a championship.

Alas, on the day of the 2009-2010 Nugget season debut, a fresh batch of expectations and fears infatuate Nug fan. Here is what I am most excited about, and potentially not excited about for the upcoming season.

Things I'm not looking forward to...

1. Anthony Carter's Party Faux Pas

Might as well start where we left off. The "consummate professional" who displays his veteran leadership on and off the court by throwing balls out of bounds and stepping into wide open 20 foot bricks. These of which of course, come most notably at the climax of emotions during big rallies or end of the game situations. There are few things worse, and unintentionally funnier, than Party Faux Pas. Not to be confused of course with the Party Foul, and there is an important difference.

The "Party Foul" would of course be defined as an accidental, unintentional, action that causes inebriated activities to be temporarily changed or impeded at minimal emotional cost to oneself, or anyone associated with one. For example; swatting half of your filled beer pong cups in an effort to swat the bounce shot. This effects at most four people, and aside from the spill ramifications, no harm done. This contrasts to the "Party Faux Pas," which clearly distinguishes itself by the level of intent one puts into the action, thus increasing its emotional impact and social spotlight on oneself, and potentially its impact on others associated. Perhaps most commonly described as "yikes, took that a little too far," and often leads to "who invited this guy?" For example, the unplanned, unagreed upon, running lay-out beer pong dunk that takes out the entire table. Skying for the beer pong dunk may have seemed funny and original in your own mind, but destroying the pong table and wasting 6-10 beers is only funny and original to you.

Perhaps this is more clearly demonstrated by Anthony Carter, see if this sounds familiar: a steal by JR Smith tunred breakaway is finished with an ally-oop to K-Mart, succeeded by two opposing missed shots resulting in two Melo fast break dunks. With the Pepsi Can crowd on the brink of blowing up at the 10-nothing run, Anthony Carter steals the ball which allows a wide open Carmelo to streak down the court for a tomahawk jam and imminent time out by the opposing coach. And then Anthony Carter bounces the ball of his leg out of bounds.... Aw. Buzzkill. Who invited this guy?

2. The Dahntay Jones size whole in my heart.

We have all learned that defense wins championships. And the Nuggets lost a big part of the perimeter defense that made them so great last year. Aaron Afflalo, does not possess the athletic ability of our recently departed Dahntay Jones, and thereby de facto, not athletic enough to lock down Kobe or LeBron one on one. This goes without saying the intangibles that left with him. He seemed like someone who was able to get inside, if only a little bit, the head of opposing superstars. Kobe Bryant sooner than later wanted to force it over Dahntay just to prove a point, and that sometimes produced bad shots. While the Nuggets can beat Kobe by himself, his cast is a little more difficult. Who among us hates Bruce Bowen the most? But who didn't want him on our team. Whether he's tripping, grabbing nuts, or talking about Kobe's trip to eagle, he provided a positive attribute the team now misses. More than that, Dahntay brought an outrageously courageous interpretation to the spelling of the name Dante.

3. Chris Andersen's New Contract

Don't get me wrong. I'm all about wrapping the Birdman up long term. (that's what she said?) I'm just a little afraid of the effect it might have on him. Birdman is not earning a crackhead's NBA contract anymore. He's been legitimized by society and the league again as a good and rewarded talent. The problem is, the crackhead perception helped him in becoming the second leading shotblocker in the association. Birdman isn't fighting to get off government cheese anymore, no one is telling him he'll never be back to what he once was, and alot more people are looking for revenge against the tall white guy that swatted their weak ass shit into the front row last year. We can remain hopeful that what we saw last year is the only way he knows how to play. But more often than not, the newly gained financial fat slows a man down half a step.

4. Kenyon Martin's "expanded" offensive game

K-Mart's shooting form reminds me of death. Who of you, anyone, anywhere, left off last season saying, "K-Mart needs to shoot more." No, please, thank you, please stop Kenyon. Sure, it seems fair to ask Kenyon to develop his offensive gameplan to the level at which the Nuggets are paying him, but if K-mart hasn't found a jumpshot in aisle three by now in his career, what are the odds of getting one now? I would love a LamarOdomesque three point ball added to the arsenal, but it's just not something you easily install to your software package.

Do you realize K-Mart still has one more year left on his contract. (A player option worth 16mil... you think he's gonna turn that down?)

Look, let's just work on getting an arching jumpshot rather than the WNBA-formed baseball-type line drive of which you currently employ. In fact, screw it. Just park your oft injured rear end on the block where you can sky for oops and put back dunks that makes you the player that you are. This was my problem with the late Marcus Camby. Post players need to stay near the basket. If I wanted a 6'9" athlete smoking fools on outside jumpers, I'd have Carmelo Anthony....

5. Bill Hanzlik's memory span

Lord knows I can't get five minutes of post-game Nuggets highlights and analysis from a national network, so Nugget fan in the greater Rocky Mountain region is force-fed the ever bumbling dunce that is Wild Bill Hanzlik. Going at it with a special olympians diligence, six years have passed for Bumbling Bill at his current analyst position, and the guy still can't memorize a statline. Over/Under: 10 times B-squared looks at his "notes" while stumbling through his first post-game thought.

Perhaps Kroenke leaves him at Altitude Sports & Entertainment to remind everyone watching what the Nuggets were like before he took over in 2000. Bill Hanzlik, who coached the 1997-1998 Nuggets to an 11-71 record; the face of Nugget failure in the NBA. It's the same thing as signing Matt Millen to an analyst broadcaster, these two have proven failed analyst careers (one as a coach, one as a GM) displayed in the most public forum, so they should be feeding me my takeaway points?

6. A Nene Dependency

Not only should Nene be an all-star center this year. He has to be. It's the stag-chili five minutes old in your stomach, you don't know how its gonna go down. My greatest fear for the upcoming season is that the upcoming brilliance of the Nug backcourt will be undone by the mediocrity of the front court. If the Nuggets challenge for an NBA championship this season, it will because Nene is close to averaging 20 and 10. Twenty points. Ten rebounds. Nuggets win an NBA championship.

The front court is dependent on whether or not Nene can step up and dominate the low post when the Nuggets offense needs it. Is this really realistic? I did just ask for an increase in almost six points per game (alright I'll take 18 and 10) in addition to almost four rebounds a game.

Maybe it's not a hard stat that line Nene needs to hit so much as the type of player he needs to become. The Lakers have four seven-footers. Four. The Nuggets only true center, and only seven foot player, is named Johan Petro. It's almost an impossible request to ask Nene to come out the better against the Lakers, however expecting him to at very least give the Pau Gasol/Sugar Ray Odom/Andrew Bynum a legitimate battle is not.

7. Glen Davis

Has absolutely nothing to do with the Nuggets, Glen Davis is simply my least favorite player in the NBA. I hate Glen Davis. I hate the name Glen Davis. I hate his nickname "Big Baby." I hate his body fat. I hate his game. I hate when he cries after KG yells at him. I hate that he is even in the NBA. I hate that people say he is good. I hate when people say he's going to get better. I hate his 3 inch vertical. I hate that it looks like he's wearing a diaper under his shorts. I hate that people even know his name, because they wouldn't if he played for any other team besides the Celtics or Lakers. I hate that he is gets paid to be an athlete. I hate that he has an attitude. I hate when he argues with the refs. I hate his kankles. I hate that he may be capable of reproducing. I hate that he will most likely end up with a greater net worth than me. I hate Glen Davis.

Things I'm looking forward to...

1. Glen Davis being out 6-8 weeks after surgery on his hand.

(see above)

2. Linas Kleiza's deportation

If a tree falls in the middle of the forest, and no one is around, does it make a sound? If Linas Kleiza can't get a job in the NBA, and is forced to a Euro-league, does anyone care? Second only to Anthony Carter in on court party faux pas, who misses Linas Kleiza?

The worst part about Kleiza is that he played like garbage during a contract year. Typically you get the best out of athletes when they are playing for more money, (see birdman) yet here we have Kleiza failing to become a 40% 3-point shooter, maintaining himself as a liability on defense, and only showing hot flashes of what he could maybe, possible, in theory be. Hopefully the Nuggets have finally learned a valuable lesson when it comes to European players.(especially ones from ex-soviet countries or satellites), don't draft them. Speaking of contract years...

3. Maya Starks

Maya Starks is the slightly more eloquent, slightly tanner, slightly thinner, slightly more attractive version of Altitude's courtside reporter Julie Browman. Aside from Birdman and LK, no one had a bigger contract year than Julie Browman. Unfortunately for her, she went the way of LK and not Birdman, and thus is slowly but surely being phased out of her duties with the Nuggets, and relegated to the Junior Varsity that is professional hockey. Few things are greater than contract year heroes and flops... like....

4. George Karl's contract year

A prominent sports writer threw the following stat at Nugget fan in relation to George Karl:

The best five coaching years of Karl's career, along with the following year.
1987 Warriors: 42-40, lost in second round to eventual champs
1988 Warriors: 16-48, fired
1993 Sonics: 55-27, lost Game 7 of Western Conference finals
1994 Sonics: 63-19, lost in first round to No. 8 seed (first time ever)
1996 Sonics: 64-18, lost in NBA Finals
1997 Sonics: 57-25, lost in second round
2000 Bucks: 52-30, lost Game 7 of Eastern Conference finals
2001 Bucks: 41-41, missed playoffs
2009 Nuggets: 54-28, lost in Western finals to eventual champs
2010 Nuggets: ??????
Somehow, this "sportsguy" determined this provided enough trend analysis to conclude "You don't want to ride the George Karl Train after a good year. He gets snippy, the players tire of him, bad things happen, he spends a lot of time standing on the sidelines with his hands in his pockets and that, "Look, I don't care anymore, if they want to go down in flames doing it their way, that's fine, I'll just stand over here" look on his face. Keep your guard up, Nuggets fans." and the 8th seed in the Western Conference. (cough cough)
Why does everyone want the Nuggets to fail?
How about this sportsguy, the 1987-1988 seasons existed when Karl only coached two seasons for that Golden State Warriors team. While this may explain how Karl's players tire of his antics from one year to the next, it fails to apply to a team largely comprised of the same core of players that has been coached by George Karl for five years. You're right, players do get tired of him in year two. However, Kenyon Martin and Melo have already had their blow-ups with George Karl. The Nuggets didn't advance far in the playoffs until Daddy Chauncey told the rest of the Nuggets to buy into Karl's system.
In the 90s, a George Karl led team did not miss the playoffs in the Western Conference, advancing past the first round five times.
I have my quarrels with coach Karl and his "whatever" attitude he displays on the bench. Normally, I couldn't agree more with the sportsguy. I fully expect Karl to hang on to Anthony Carter's playing time over Ty Lawson as long as he can because he believes in his... I have no idea what. But not this year. Not this time. Contract year.
We are talking about a man who is on the same list of all time coaching wins as Pat Reilly and Phil Jackson. We are talking about a man who really won't be legitimized as one of the best coaches ever unless he gets a championship. That's what makes this year different. Choke a big one this year and Karl is out coaching in the NBA cellar of Memphis or Minnesota. There is no margin for error. Expectations are high and an understanding between player and coach has been formed most loudly by the Kenyon Martin and Carmelo Anthony's public support for a contract extension. His career is winding down and it's now or never. He is yet another of the desperate Nuggets seeking to prove their worth. All I'm saying is the Nuggets are going to get Karl's best.

5. The ever present and unfounded bias against the Nuggets
The National Media doesn't know squat about the Denver Nuggets. Think about the only preseason criticisms presented as to why the Nuggets take a step back this year.

"Everything went right for the Nuggets last season and they were one of the most dangerous teams in the league. I'm a little skeptical that everything will go right again. Billups is getting older. Kenyon Martin and Nene have serious injury histories, and J.R. Smith and Carmelo Anthony are volatile." -Chad Ford, espn.com
What in the Lord's good name does that even mean? There's no way Carmelo, JR, and Nene can continue to improve? The Nuggets are somehow more prone to injury than the Lakers' Bynum or the Celtics' Garnett?

"They got to the conference finals last season, but they didn't get better this past summer. Even the champs gotta make moves." J.A. Adande, espn.com

I'm sorry who was in the Western Conference finals last year? With the narrowed playoff player rotation, it seems to me other teams had to make these moves in an attempt to CATCH UP to the Lakers and Nuggets. For the playoff rotation all the Nuggets did was get better at the backup point guard position.

"how do you replace glue guys like Linas Kleiza (a long-range shooter)" -Britt Robson, Si.com

I will not dignify that with a response.
I can't really put a finger on why the National Media hates Denver sports. They have long lasting love affairs with other small market teams like the Spurs, the Packers, and the Rays. But whether its the Nuggets, the Rockies or the Broncos, the excuses for why Colorado sports will undeniably end in failure get more and more creative every year. It's my opinion that they honestly don't believe what they are actually preaching so much that they just really have no idea what they are talking about when it comes to the Denver area. It's just easier to say Denver sports will suck because they can't give a reason to one way or the other. It's not so much a bias against the state as just simple laziness when it comes to doing their job.
For example, I was watching CNN's coverage of the "balloon boy" fiasco in Fort Collins. For some in-depth color commentary and perspective they went to CNN meteorologist and self-proclaimed ex-Denver resident with a knowledge of the area and geography. The poser-buffoon went on to describe how a tin foil balloon, roughly traveling 25 miles per hour, could have feasibly made the distance from Fort Collins to Colorado Springs in about 2 hours. These are people making hundreds of thousands of dollars to deliver us the "news" in an accurate and timely fashion.

There is really no excuse. The state of Colorado gives the nation every possible opportunity to learn and recognize the flagship city and state of the Rocky Mountain region. Colorado busts would be terrorist attacks. Oklahoma City bombers are brought to trial in Colorado. Colorado attempted to put a six year old named falcon on the moon. Columbine. NORAD. Kobe Bryant rapes girls in Colorado (allegedly). The Jimi Hendrix Experience played their last concert together at the Denver Pop festival. Coors Field is the third oldest baseball stadium in the National League. Colorado has world famous surgeons and skiing. Democratic National Convention. Denver International is one of the most traveled airports in the world. What do you want from us? Are you telling me this is all just a Tuesday in San Antonio or Tampa Bay? Sure our state's economy isn't bankrupt (California, Iceland), and we don't have an outrageous crime rate only rivaled by our outrageous unemployment rate. We are more than relevant whether you like it or not. Do your job. And when the polar ice caps melt from global warming like you say National Media, don't come looking for help in the USA's last island of land, Colorado, there isn't enough room between Fort Collins and Colorado Springs for you.

6. JR Smith maturing into SR Smith
I've said it before, and I'll say it again. What is Kobe Bryant capable of doing that JR Smith isn't? I can think of only one thing. Consistency. The thing is, JR Smith is only 24 years young. Twenty Four Years Young. If it's far-fetched to hope JR turns into the spittin' image of Kobe, it's not far-fetched to hope that he develops into something close. We finally enter a season where we expect JR to have developed enough into a full time starter. Nothing gets me more giddy than the possibility of two superstars (Melo, JR) developing their games with a solid team around them. This can be the most glaring reason the media's interpretation of the losses of Dahntay Jones and Linas the Menace is wrong. If JR proves himself as a legitimate consistent JR, he's athletic enough to make up for the defensive loss of Dahntay Jones, and already a good enough offensive weapon to make up for LK.

7. The Nugget Youth
The Nuggets aren't going anywhere for a while. What do all the main contenders have in common this year (sans the Magic and Lakers)? They are getting really old. How much new impactful young talent was infused into the Spurs, Mavericks, Celtics, and Cavs? Every one of these teams is waiting to find out if one of their aging superstars hasn't lost a step, or if they're aging bodies will last the whole season without injury. Doc Rivers has issued a policy banning morning shootarounds on gamedays, instituting a cerfew, and beginning practices no earlier than noon so his players get as much rest as possible. Doc also allows one hour of arts and crafts time, holds public forums about the "young kids" skateboarding on the sidewalks, organizes for grade-school children choirs to entertain the players around the hollidays, and even holds weekly bingo tournaments and raffles!
8. Chris Marlowe and Scott Hastings
My favorite in game broadcasting crew. IT'S HAMMAH TIME!

9. That $10 million trade allowance???
Maybe???
10. Anthony Carter's Party Faux Pas
Hey, party faux pas are awkward and hilarious. And by definition, they eventually to the inevitable "who invited this guy?" and subsequent banishment from the party... make way for Hugh Hefner, Ty Lawson. While the rest of the league is getting older, the Nuggets by all intents, drafted the most NBA ready point guard in the draft last year. Kid's got a National Championship already and showed he is capable of dropping 30 against NBA caliber talent in the final preseason game against the Lakers.
So who is going to step up on the second unit assuming JR claims his rightful claim to the starting role? Enter our new fast break scoring threat Ty Lawson. He just looks good in the powder blue.

11. Carmelo Anthony and his breakout year
Carmelo Anthony will be top three in scoring this year. Carmelo Anthony will be in the discussion for MVP. Carmelo Anthony is going to breakout.

It is the one thing I look most forward to this basketball season. Just as the city of Denver and its sports are way underrated, likewise is Carmelo Anthony. Why this guy has not been embraced by the state as the state's current greatest athlete probably has something to do with his immature past. To me that is what make Melo the man. He's not the "cookie-cutter" athlete that has the roll-a-dex of appropriate cliche answers. He's not the player that shops his brand on Twitter and the like. But most importantly to me, he's not the a player who becomes an unrestricted free agent next year leaving him open to the highest bidder, and he is already open to an extension. Carmelo Anthony is a committed Denver Nugget. Let's, as a fan base, commit to him.
Hey look, there has ended up being more things to be excited about than not. It's going to be a good season.

In the preseason Melo has averaged almost a point a minute. He finally had a break from international basketball, and has dropped his weight from 240 to 228. It's a lean, mean, Carmelo machine. Carmelo is the biggest reason every Nugget fan should look forward to the season. He is the greatest Nugget to over don the uniform, and is about to show you that for sure.





“They’re always going to laugh at the Nuggets; they always laugh at us. This is my seventh season. The last six years, I’ve been asked these same questions. ‘How good can we be?’ People are saying we are not this and we are not that.... We like that, though.” - Carmelo Anthony

NFL week 7 Picks

I'm back and I slacked this week.

Last Week: 8-6
All Time: 42-45... getting warmer

San Diego Chargers (-5) over KANSAS SHITTY

A hope?.... A chance... for my fantasy team and everyone else who drafted LaDainian Tomlinson to get back in the hunt. Sure he didn't find pay-dirt, sure there were about four to fourteen instances where the initials would have broken one more tackle or made one more cut to pull off a twenty yard run in his prime last week against the Broncos, but at least he made it through the game without getting hurt. It's sad that it's come to this. That 100 total yards from Tomlinson (no longer LT) against the magically swarming Donkey defense is the best in recent memory.

I find myself continuing to cheer on the unlikely comeback not only for my own personal gain, though it's a large part of it, but solely for the fact that this was one of the best runningbacks I've ever watched in my young life. It's the same feeling I have for Allen Iverson and Eddie Vedder. We all find ourselves growing up and remembering the athletes or people that shaped our formative years, and all of a sudden they kinda suck. I miss the days of what LT once was; a dominant running, receiving, and throwing triple threat that forced every team to unsuccessfully game plan for him week after week. It's depressing that you still hear clips of Tomlinson interviews alerting people he'll be back, when all I'm looking for is a little second half taste of somethin'. It's more than clear we will never see the ankle breaking jukes, halfback passes, or my favorite stiff arm of all time, ever again. They will be missed. RIP LT. Helluva career.

Indianapolis Colts (-13.5) over ST. LOUIS RAMS

Talk about underestimation. Call me crazy but I thought the continued loss of vets on the defense, a new coach, and new receivers would make the Colts struggle. But I forgot that Peyton Manning is the real coach of the team. So the politically incorrect question remains... did the Reverend Tony Dungy really become the first African American head coach to win the Super Bowl?

Minnesota Vikings (+5) cover PITTSBURGH STEELERS

I went back to basics last week. The spread was (+14) to the insufferable Brownies last week. And what does Steel Town cover by? .... 13. Look I don't know if there the Rooney's as an American institution have ties to the mob, or whether the pull with the new president has influence over Vegas odds. But the Pittsburgh Steelers do not cover a spread. They just don't. And we all just need to grin and bear, that while the Big Ben and co. will probably win 11 games against the NFL this year, they will win 2 or 3 games against the spread. Steelers by 3.

Green Bay Packers (-7) over CLEVELAND BROWNIES

Is Green Bay's offensive line offensive enough to allow 5 more sacks to the browns? It's the only thing interesting about this game.

New England Patriots (-15) over TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS

People were doubting the Pats at the beginning of the season. The first month of the NFL has been completely upside down. Slowly we are starting to return to normalcy. I still maintain that the Pats half-assed the game against the Broncos. It's painfully obvious that the Pats will wrap up the division, the Bengals and the Jets are pretenders. And the Tampa Bay Bucs suck again.

HOUSTON TEXANS (-3) over San Francisco 49ers

The Houston Texans act is getting tired. Either be a legitimate contender in the AFC like you should be, or don't. Same old Texans drop this game at home, while an actual playoff team HAS to win this game.

Was watching King of the Hill the other day (underrated show), when all of a sudden Hank Hill was wearing a Houston Texans hat and talking about wanting to watch Texans training camp. Have the Cowboys really fallen that far out of cultural relevance that a fictional resident of Arlington Texas has shifted his historical allegiance to the Houston Texans? Did Gary Kubiak make an appearance on the show I should be aware of? I almost puked. If anyone knows that storyline justifying this shift I would love to hear it. And don't tell me it's because the Cowboys suck. I mean Bobby Hill attends a school named after Tom Landry for Pete's sake.

JOAKLAND RAIDERS (+6.5) cover New York Football Jets

Typical mid-season Eagles brain fart somehow leads to a Raiders turnaround and Richard Seymour calling a playoff berth. This of course would mean they get a wild card berth or come back to take down the Broncos. Either way, I'm down with Joakland this year. Finally Raider fan has someone to relate to in the near-convict Tom Cable. Jamarcus Russell is probably only smoking weed three times a week in stead of seven. Let's get those eight wins Al, you've got the speed.

CAROLINA PANTHERS (-7) cover Buffalo Bills

This is the kind of game that makes a 300 dollar payment for the NFL season ticket from Direct TV worthwhile. boink.

Chicago Bears (+1) over THE NATI BENGALS

Will Jay Cutler ever have a running game or defense? Here comes bronco fan piling on saying somehow Cutler is responsible for Matt Forte's sophomore slump and the Urlacher's injury. The real question is, how many people in the Denver Metro area are busting out the Depends adult diaper, pacifier, and a number 6 Bronco jersey and being "Jay Cutler" this "slut day".... I mean, Halloween.

I don't know how to honestly feel about the 18-25 year old female's take on the day of the dead. Whether you're supposed to be a cop, boy scout, french maid, firefighter, or any otherwise respectable profession. In all actuality, you're not any of these things, you're a prostitute. Just tell everyone you're being a prostitute for the day of the dead. At the same time, I'm a red-blooded male. Aside from the fat friend that should be dressed as the fire hydrant instead of the fire fighter, how can I not enjoy this? At the same time, are you dressing like this for men or yourself? What am I supposed to think and look at when all I can see is an interpretation of a service profession with a pushup bra and fish nets? From my experience this isn't an especially promiscuous holiday so much as a giant tease. I guess I should just chalk it up to the unnecessary complexity of the female psyche. All females should think about this next time they are in an argument with their boyfriends about who is being irrational.

New Orleans Saints (-6.5) over MIAMI DOLPHINS

For Koji. What happens when I bet against the Dolphins? They win.... Even though New Orleans is the best team in the league.

Hotlanta Falcons (+4) cover DALLAS COWBOYS

What an opportune time time fire Wade Phillips over the bye week and give Jason Garrett a chance as a head coach. It's clear Jerry Jones is too scared to make any moves this season at all. So Cowboy fan is stuck with "spray-on black guy" Miles Austin as an offensive "weapon," Tony Romo childlike decision making, and Wade Phillips' shit kickin' defense.

On the plus side, Sam Bradford's shoulder got hurt again and he is out for the season. Hopefully, this drops him in the draft allowing the Dallas Cowboys to be well postitioned to get an incredible steal. Whatever happens, Tebow or Bradford may be on the board when the Cowboys draft next year. I'm livin' on a prayer.


NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS (-7) cover Arizona Cardinals

Brandon Jacobs is a puss. I counted at least five times Jacobs ran the ball out of bounds instead of delivering punishment at the end of a run. This just in, you're 6'5" 280, play like it. Instead, just like any other New York Giant, he cares much more about running his mouth about how the Cowboys suck, or the Raider game was a scrimmage. Strap up the pads and play posers. How bout this smack talk. Justin Tuck, your Subway commercials sicken me and you were out two weeks by way of a trip and fall I experience daily whenever I walk across a rogue piece of elevated concrete. Adaleus Thomas, you're defense just got worked for half a century's worth of points, stop talking about the Raiders. Tiki Barber, can you get any more homosexual without just coming out. Strahan, your TV show is pathetic and your presence with the Fox pregame show makes the desk look cramped and uncomfortable.


Philthadelphia Eagles (-7) over WASHINGTON REDSKINS

Dan Snyder just can't take Old Yeller out back and put him down. Why? Because none of the big name coaches want to take over a team midseason when it's clear they need a complete team overhaul. Needless to say, the "that battle between the Pawnee and Sioux in the movie Dances With Wolves Bowl." Lived up to it's expectations. Philly needs to destroy the native americans to prove the NFC East isn't an overweight sack of crap of a division, even if Andy Reid and Wade Phillips coach in it.

The Bye Week (-3) over DENVER BRONCOS


"how we makin' money on the Buffs this week" pick: K-State (-4.5)
"how we makin' money on the Buffs this week" pick record: 1-0

Last Week's Comments:

From Randy 'Big Ran" Williams: "Glad you realized how badass the fist pump lap of victory was. That was the absolute turning point for me in regards to Big Mac. He now has my unconditional loyalty.

You the man Big Mac. Keep on rollin

$8 on the Buffs to cover this week. Not as easy a call as +33 on UT...but I think we got this. Let's go Buffs!"

I hate to admit it more than anyone. But the fist pump was indeed badass. The thing about it is that you could tell it was real. No one believed in this guy, no one. Every fist pump was really a middle finger to the packed Invesco Stadium at Mile High. Everything is working right now. Which drives me back to my Bronco take which is this; Every Bronco fan is bitter about the Broncos not getting any respect. The thing is, you really don't want to lose that dynamic from your football team. This is the danger of the bye week. Momentum is potentially killed, you want to be underdogs against the Ravens coming out of the bye. Fact is, B-marsh has all but wrapped up a new contract, the Broncos have all but wrapped up a trip to the playoffs, now how are they going to act? You want the naysayers because you want the motivation. That's all I'm sayin.

Who bets 8 dollars?

From Greg 'gel' Mengel: "Solid movie references. About twice as solid, in fact, as your picks.

"That battle between the Sioux and the Pawnee in that movie Dances with Wolves... bowl."

...I love it."

Get off my picks man. Almost hit a nine team parlay last week that would have turned a 10 dollar bet into a 1500 payday. This weeks nine team progressive parlay: Chargers, Packers, Pats, Texans, Bears, Giants, Panthers, Colts, Raiders

Buffs and Broncos Reaction

Give it one more game.

Week 6 Picks: Rally Time

It's officially rally time.

Midnight. Friend's cabin. A new group of of church sober acquaintances have just arrived late... only you're "making whoopee" to a toilet because you've been drinking... like... 25 beers and a few bowl rips... no... like at least 30 beers a couple shots and some bowl rips... no dude, cause then you've got the ones we drank on that hike... since 10am. It's finally caught up to you. You're on a personal journey of endurance that will have you questioning faith, character, and life. You're dry heavin'.

But you've got a decision to make. I mean, you've been hugging the john for an hour. Where's your head at? Is it time pack it in? You gave it your best shot? Your head is spinning? I mean, since 10am?

Or.

Is it rally time...?

I am the sports fan nearly passed out on the toilet. I had about 72 beers of "winning Rockies baseball comeback hype, light." About nine to nineteen shots of "Romo friendly offense hype tequila." But, of course I was mixing that with god knows how many shots of "there's no way the Broncos win more than 3 games this year hype Tennessee Whisky." Concluded finally with one epic six foot bong rip of "the 'Buffs are going to win 10 games hype kush."

At the time it was a great idea. Pant-wettingly drunk off the excitement and potential of my teams' hype. But with the last solo cup of "winning Rockies baseball comeback hype... light" bringing me to my knees at the foot of my new porcelain master, my personal journey has brought me to the aforementioned two choices. One, swear everything off and live out the rest of my sports season a passed out, buzzkill, misses the rest of an epic night party-pooper.

Or.

Rally time.

Pass me that beer bong of "Denver Nuggets NBA Championship hype," and bump my comeback song on high volume... I'm back in the game.


last week... gulp.. 3-10 ATS
season... 34-41 ATS

I threw all that up too with the "Romo friendly offense." Don't worry about it. Rally time. If my big brother Barack can win the nobel peace prize, so can I.

Kansas Shitty Chiefs (+6) over WASHINGTON REDSKINS

Native American battle! Hoo! Tried to google a famous inter-native american battle so I could name this the "(famous inter-native american battle) bowl." Couldn't find one. So I'm gonna go with "that battle between the Sioux and Pawnee in the movie Dances with Wolves... bowl." The chiefs had a chance to get a coach fired if they could have punched out a vic over the Cowboys.... can they go 1 for 2? It would be delightful... and creates a strong possibility of shaking up the Monday Night Football booth crew. I love sports.

Oh yeah, and I wish the chiefs would have won. Seriously, the 'Boys need OT take care of a win at loserville KC.


THE 'NATI BENGALS (-4.5) over Houston Texans

Pretenders r us. The 'nati comes in hot, at home. And everyone knows they still live in fear because of the "Hard Knocks Curse." The Bengals sold their soul to the devil of the football gods to be relevant again. Sooner or later the devil is going to come a collectin' for his payment. Not now though. They have to be at the top so when they come crashing down to reality, the pain hurts so much more.

Is anyone else getting the feeling that maybe the city of Houston just isn't meant to have a football team?

Which reminds me of Huston Street. What in Christ's name was that?


Cleveland Brownies (+14) cover PITTSBURGH STEELERS

In retrospect, I really have been violating some very core gambling values that I really do keep close to my heart. The most glaring offense looking back would be the absolute truth of not betting on the Spittsburgh Steelers with big spreads. "(-10) against the lions? please. ex-super bowl champions, free money baby!"

Gambling is like going on a temple adventure with Indiana Jones. You gotta watch out for the traps. Namely, every Steeler game with a big spread.

As a man (and recent follower, congratulations) named Pie recently pointed out. Things did not end well for the Steelers last time they lost DE Aaron Smith for the season.

B-more Ravens (+3) over MINNESOTA VIKINGS

Purple is the color of royalty. Behold one of the many money games that gets me jacked up for this weekend.

Has Minny really beat anyone? They squeaked by San Fran and we allllll know what happened against Green Bay. Other than that, St. Louis, Cleveland, Detroit? You kiddin me? Let's just say the Broncos have proved more early on.

Thanks to my sister for reporting on the "Brett Favre" drinking game she participated in. 123 times the Viking quarterback's name was mentioned during the Packers-Vikings game. Proving once and for all, that my sister knows how to drink... and the epidemic that is Brett Farve obsession is undoubtedly more dangerous than the swine flu.

Oh, I'm sorry, "H1N1"

I can't believe Dennis Quaid hasn't released a movie about the H1N1 virus wiping out infants, the elderly and the poor... and that somehow leading to an apocalypse.

I'm tellin' you Mr. President... the virus has made the jump from swine. Do what's right and order the evacuation.

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (-9.5) over St. Louis Rams

I beginning to warm up to the idea that this Rush Limbaugh deal was a publicity stunt. It just seems about as contrived as some kid in Fort Collins named after a kind of raptor floating away in a tin foil balloon...

I also warming up to the idea that Jack Del Rio has no idea what he is doing. Play Indianapolis tough, get blown out by Seattle. I think it's an even week so Jax should come ready to play. Plus, the eloquently delivered criticism of the coaching staff and the play calling might prompt the ball in the hands of Pocket Hercules.

Is the jury still out on Stephen Jackson? He has sucked for three years, but it is beyond my reasoning as to whether or not it's because he plays for the worst team of the decade.

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (-3) over New York Giants

Another reason I'm pumped on this weekend of football.

It's tough to like the Giants because everyone from Tiki Barber to Justin Tuck always has to run their mouth. Is Friar Tuck still preaching about Flomax Adams tripping people? We get it, yeah you are real hardcore in your Subway commercials singing opera with Jared and Strahan.

A battle of undefeateds is always fun. And when you find it getting toward the middle of the season, they are like little super bowls. Methinks this is the game everyone and their brother will prematurely give the NFC championship to afterward.

Carolina Panthers (-3) over TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS

Parity is not truer portrayed anywhere else. Are the Dallas Cowboys and Carolina Panthers not the same team? Shaky, never will be big time, quarterbacks. A dominating runninggame. And presently underachieving stud outside linebackers. (I'm looking at you DeMarcus Ware and Julius Peppers) So why not bet the exact same way as if this was week 1 when the Dallas Cowboys had a similar line?

GREEN BAY PACKERS (-13.5) over Detroit Lions

Greg Jennings is due for a breakout game, as he has not had one in 5 weeks.

Watching Dante Culpeppper anymore is kind of depressing. He just looks so old. It seems like the NFL has been going on for a while, and we haven't seen much of Dante. One year and five weeks from the last time I saw him and he looks fat and washed up, but still tries really hard to make a comeback. Kind of like watching Axel Rose bust out at the MTV music awards with his new band. Awkward.

PHILTHADELPHIA EAGLES (-14) over Jokeland Raiders

Sounds about right.

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (-3) over Arizona Cardinals

Nuva Ring division alert. Nuva Ring divisional battle alert. I'm extremely uncomfortble right now.

Buffalo Bills cover (+9) cover NEW YORK FOOTBALL JETS

Who doesn't miss T.O. being relevant? I want names. Say what you want about what a clown he is, how rediculous his reality show is, how many dropped balls he has. The league is better and more fun when he is on a team that matters. Hey what can you say you tried Buffalo. Yet another in the slew of feeble attempts to bring a hint of respect for the team and city of Buffalo. Too bad Chicago is waiting for Brandon Marshall's contract to expire next year.

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (-9) over Tennessee Titans

What a bust Tennessee is. What the 9 point spread should represent is the amount of points down at halftime that forces our favorite tailgater to put Vince Young in the game. As of the end of the game last week. I am self-contractually obligated to not bet on the Titans anymore. What are the odds of them rallying with me?

Chicago Bears (+3) over HOTLANTA FALCONS

The game I'm second most looking forward to. Battle of the young guns. I predict a 4th quarter game winning drive by Jay Cutler.

Do you still wonder Bronco fan about the possibilities of your team if you still had Jay Cutler? Think about it....


keep thinking...


Here's betting you came to the conclusion that you are 5-0 and could be no better than that with any other quarterback, including but not limited to Jay Cutler. Which means Big Mac Josh McDaniels is your man. From now on. Thick or thin.

My bet is you also had a voice in the back of your head that shares my opinion. The Donkeys could be 5-0 and have a legitamite shot at a Super Bowl. That voice in your head does not really believe that Kyle Orton will hold the Lombardi over his head as a starting quarterback. Or does Big Mac's Kool-Aid really taste that good? We'll see.


SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (-3.5) over Denver Broncos

The matchup I am most excited to watch. I wrote that holding back regurgitation. It's just so damned fascinating that the Donkeys are 5-0 and are STILL underdogs. Bronco fan has got to be angry, but think about it, there really can be an asterisk placed next to each of your five wins.

Bengals*.............. *The game is lost. Only with a quarterback with a noodle arm like Orton's could underthrow it weakly enough for it to be tipped 5 yards short, and only a brain like Roy Williams's could take such an aggressively bad angle at the end of a game to allow Brandon Stokely to run so freely to win the game.

Browns*..............*It's the Browns.

Raiders*..............*It's the Raiders.

Cowboys*............*Tony Romo

Patriots*.............*Another conspiracy theory regarding Bill Belichick: Realizing his coaching tree is more like a dying fern, Bellichick only attempts to beat the broncos half ass, not daring to make the obvious adjustments at halftime and continue to give the ball to Welker in the middle of the field over and over again. He does this all for the sake of being able to show people one person from his "genious" turns out alright. My key piece of evidence: Bill Belichick running toward the middle of the field to find his "prodigy," then wandering around like a sad puppy looking for his master for a good 10 minutes, still looking back as he walks toward the locker room, as Big Mac does the fist pump lap of victory. (the fist pump lap of victory was badass) Has Belichick gone soft or just soft for one guy?

These are only semi-jokingly presented. 5-0 is 5-0, no argument about it. But those asterisks keep you in the underdog cellar. It works for the Broncos, they might not want to lose it. The Donkeys are hot right now, but championships and futures are not built in five games.


"How we makin' money on the 'Buffs this week" pick: Buffs (+9.5) cover Kansas

The word likes to keep this interactive. And thanks to all the feedback recieved from 3 people, well, 2 confirmed people, we debut the "three c's section." That's compliments, constructive criticisms, and creole.

Steve said: "well articulated."

Why thank you Steve

"Anonymous" opined: "What a "Bum" this Phillips is. Look at his face! No, Wade, Aliens have not infiltrated your pathetic team. You did this psych job yourself."

"Bum" of course being the comedic play on Wade Phillips dad's name and the slang term applied to the homeless. Too scared to put your name to that Anonymous? Reveal yourself apparition.... Mom...?

Randy wrote: "poor, poor Lance"

Rally time.

I managed to sift through all the feedback and come up with those. Thanks.

NFL week 5 picks

Pardon me if this week's picks seem... uninspired. Between the Rockies, Buffs, Cowboys, fantasy football, and every other thing that has the misfortune of being encompassed in my "care circle"...it is quite clear that I'm in a slump.

Speaking of slumps.

The Colorado Rockies are not the chumps of the playoffs. Finishing with the third best record in the National League did not happen by accident. And if Jim Tracy is the club's manager from the beginning... are we looking at a 100 game winning team? Eh... maybe not, but give your props... grudgingly... to the Monforts and Dealin' Dan O'Dowd. All but one level of the Rockies organization from Single-A to the majors, has made the playoffs. What I'm saying is, we may have misjudged the Monforts and their seemingly thrifty spending habits. So the Rox can't compete capital-wise with the big spending Yankees, Dodgers, etc. And that's fine. What we now have to wait and see is if the vaunted farm system continues to churn out homegrown superstars like Troy Tulowitzki and Ubaldo Jimenez, and what we really have to wait for, is if the owners will make the commitment to investing in the right superstars long term. What I'm saying is, if Tulo is not the Helton-like face of the franchise until the end of the world, or when he retires, whichever comes first, we will know the Rockies are owned by the same cheapasses we've all come to know and hate. If you don't believe me... listen to Tracy, and I quote:

"It's a lot like where we were in Los Angeles,'' Tracy said. "You can see a nucleus at the big-league level, and you can see the talent in the minor-league system that makes you feel you could be at the start of a six-, seven-, eight-year run.''

Gotta make Rocky fan feel good. I know it makes me downright giddy about the Rockies being at least legitimately competitive for the next decade. What more can you ask for?

But I digress from the slump.

Brad. Hawpe.

If the Rox are going to do anything in Rocktober, it will be because the artist formerly known as all star Brad Hawpe pulls it together already. The artist formerly known as Brad Hawpe's month to month stats:

April: .328 BA, 2 HR, 16 RBI
May: .361 BA, 5 HR, 23 RBI
June: .308 BA, 6 HR, 17 RBI
July: .250 BA, 2 HR, 7 RBI
August: .258 BA, 4 HR, 13 RBI
September: .194 BA, 2 HR, 7 RBI

If you've been following the Rockies since the beginning of the season (here's looking at you bandwagon fan), you remember when the artist was batting cleanup. And you've slowly watched his batting average drop like the value of mortgage backed securities circa 2008.

Now sure, Tulo has managed to carry the slumping bottom of the lineup. But is it too much to have both? If they do the Rox have a top to bottom lineup that is easily better than any in the National League, not to mention the American League. Throw in the new and improved starting rotation and daft if Rocktober does not yield a bonafide World Series contender. Lock it up Hawpe! Only you can bring me out of my slump.

Let's go Rox, on to the picks.

Last week ATS: 7-7
All time ATS: 31-31... I'm just mr. consistency.

Home team in CAPS. Lines as of Sportsbook.com (October 8)

Song du jour... The song that describes my feelings after last week's loss. I'm still in mourning that my football year is already over in week 5.

Dallas Cowboys (-8.5) over KANSAS SHITTY

Psh. I duno who cares.

CAROLINA PANTHERS (-3.5) over Washington Derogatory Native American References

I originally thought the Redskins-Cowboys rivalry was dead. But really it could not be more alive. The two most overpaid, uninspired teams in the league going head to head for most overpaid uninspired team. Not to mention inevitable off-season drama of who cleans house most violently, and who gets Mike Shanahan. I'll save the rest of my rap for when they play each other... but who gives a crap about the Carolina Panthers?

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (+15) cover PHILTHADELPHIA EAGLES

Boy thank god Saint Tony Dungy is around to mentor, nurture, and make Michael Vick extremely uncomfortable. I never really got this whole arrangement. First off, who decided Tony Dungy was this Gollum looking father-figure to every troubled soul in the League. I mean Vick really only has to not do one thing to keep a job right? So what does he do? You can just see Vick's voice mailbox full of unanswered Dungy calls like:

You have... fif... teen... unheard voice messages.

First unheard message

"Heeeyy Mike... It's Tony. Just wanted to see how you're doing. I guess I missed you again, hope you're not dousing a Labra-doodle and attaching it to a powered car battery! Call me!"

next... unheard message

"Hey Mike! Tony again! Just wanted to call and see how you're doing... remember what we talked about all those nights in prison. Don't start a multi-hundred-thousand dollar underground dog fighting ring! God Bless!"

next... unheard message

"Miiike?... This is Tony. Now I know you're screening my call cause I only got through the first part of the Baha Men's chorus. Hey look, I'm going to be out of town for a couple days and I'm looking for a place to keep my dog. I'll be over tomorrow with my Bible. Remember, Thou Shalt not kill canines!"

etc. etc. etc.

The funny thing is. Not only is it near impossible for him to start another backyard deathpit because the feds are undeniably watching his ass, not to mention every media outlet and Ed Werder. But no one cares! Seriously, all we heard about all summer is how PETA and every red-blooded American will be out in arms protesting Vick, the Eagles, and everything the NFL stands for. Instead... we get this:


No, this is not a picture of the Iranian presidential protests. There are more casual fans in the picture than there are protesters, in a picture of protesters. How come no one is stopping for a sticker? What do we learn from this? This is the NFL, short of being a fascist dictator or engaging in racial genocide, all we care about is our team winning in the League. Damn the NFL kicks ass.

Jokeland Raiders (+15) cover NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS

What's the deal with all these fifteen point spreads? Yeah the Raiders are a joke, but I mean, fifteen? Anyway Eli has "plantar fasciitis" (pulled labea) and might not play anyway. Classic trap game.

BALTIMORE RAVENS (-8.5) over Cincinnati Bengals

I'm undefeated on my Ravens picks. 'nuff said.

Minnesota Vikings (-10) over ST. LOUIS RAMS

The Rams are for sale! How can we not love the idea of Rush Limbaugh as a possible NFL owner. Every missed call can be tied to a democrat or socialist conspiracy theory. Not to mention a public attack on the NFL's revenue sharing program as socialist, it's socialist draft, and its left-wing media spin on the Rams floundering franchise.

Speaking of socialism. What do sports say about individual societies? The most capitalist country in the World, the United States, structures its sports leagues the most socialist way. Our leagues have drafts to make sure everyone is competitive. The revenue sharing among leagues insures every team can pay their players to remain competitive. Salary caps put a limit on how much one rich guy can spend so as not to gain a competitive advantage. So on and So on. Meanwhile, "socialist" Europe structures their leagues as a purely capitalist system. European football (soccer) leagues have no draft. No salary cap. No revenue sharing (to my knowledge). They build their club from internal recruiting and youth leagues, gain their money from sponsorships and marketing, and pay their players however ungodly amount they think they are worth at no thought to the bottom feeders that can't do the same. Is this funny? Ironic? Or do you just not care?

Cleveland Brownies (+6) cover BUFFALO BILLS

Quite possibly the most uninteresting game of all time. Save the fact that I need recent pick-up Jerome Harrison to step out as a legitimate fantasy back. Depressing that my comeback is reliant on some rook clown on the Brownies. I'm in a life-wide slump!

Pittsburgh Steelers (-10.5) over DETROIT LIONS

I am picking way too many away teams... Hey Rashard Mendenhall finally looked like an athlete. Congratulations Pittsburgh.. it's all coming up your way... Rush Limbaugh is calling on an Obama led conspiracy.

SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (-2.5) over Hotlanta Falcons

Coincidence Michael Crabtree starts talking about signing after I called him out last week? I think not. I estimate from my Adsense reports that there are about 25-50 of you that actually read this.... or like 5 of you that just read this over and over again. I'm just honored to have big Mike Crabtree as one of them. Fuck MC hammer, I'm the one that made this happen.

Houston Hustonians (+5.5) over ARIZONA CARDINALS

These teams are mirror images of each other. Crap shoot pick of the week.

New England Patriots (-3) over DENVER BRONCOS

I hope the donkeys don't win another game.

TENNESSEE TITANS (+3.5) cover Indianapolis Colts

The team I underrated the most so far, going against the team I overrated the most so far. This is a must win for the Titans. And if they lose, the God's go honest last time I will bet on the Titans this season. I swear this time.

New York Football Jets (-2) over MIAMI DOLPHINS

The phins only win when I don't bet on them.... I'M SLUMPIN'!

My Response...

Most of you have been baiting me for a response to the recent Dallas Cowboy-Denver Bronco game, and unless you have boobs, you probably haven't received one. Here you go.

I am a Cowboy fan in a Bronco world.

3:15 pm mountain standard time (roughly):

It is the end of the first quarter in a downtown Denver sports bar and everything is right with the world. I sit amongst family and friends, and aside from a group of fellow Cowboy fans to my right, it is an otherwise sea of orange and blue. The bar is beautifully quiet, and if not for being balls deep in fried pickles, wings, and assorted beers and liquors keeping my emotions in check, you'd think I'd lost my virginity to Brooklyn Decker the night before... a fantasy night she described as nothing short of amazing.

The Cowboys had come out exactly how I had expected. Tashard the people's Choice off tackle; eight yards. Barber screen pass; twenty six yards. Nick Folk 49 yard field goal... is great.

Orton hilariously incomplete deep. Run Stuff. Penalty. Orton incomplete. Out.

Flair out to the People's Choice; 28 yards. Martellus Bennet; 13 yards. Roy Eugene Williams; 11 yards. Alas the punctuation, Marion Barber III, carrying the weight of a Cowboy nation's sorrow upon his back, not to mention three-quarters of the Donkey defense, punishes his way into the endzone with a downright herculean second effort.

Ten - nothing. End first quarter of regulation.

The Denver Broncos had amassed 30 yards of total offense, while watching the bigger, stronger, faster, more talented, Cowboys run so hard up the ass of their defense, the game would have been stopped and the Cowboys assessed a 500$ fine for violating state sodomy laws had the game been played in Texas.

The happiness would end there. My romance novel night with Brooklyn turned into an itching venereal disease.

It would take only five minutes into the second quarter for tony romo to hold the ball too long for flomax... I mean flozell adams to maintain his block. It would take only five minutes for romo to giftwrap yet another touchdown for the other team. It would take only five minutes for the season to end.

Not seconds after the sixteenth time tony romo attempted a pass to a man covered by Roland Bailey my cell phone lit up like the first morning of the Tet Offensive. 37 text messages. I didn't even know I still communicated with 37 people. Some memorable ones include:

"Dude are you still a Cowboys fan after that game? Yes you just lost to Kyle Orton"

"My condolences to you and your family"

"Suit up Kitna. How many games are you gonna give romo to blow?"

"Kyle Orton"

"Are you ok? Away from sharp objects??"

"McDaniels is for real"

"That's what i'm talking about. Broncos making the playoffs and cowboys in early season downward spiral."

With every text message I opened, the football fan flame in my heart died a little more. Where am I right now? Kyle Orton is the quarterback of a 4-0 football team? Kitna? Bronco fan pretending they expected this, but really just now jumping on the Big Mac bandwagon with delusions of playoff grandeur? I'm going to puke.

I am a confused football fan.

The thing about being a Cowboy fan is that the feeling you have after losses, is completely unique to you. It is utter confusion.

There's a look that you often catch in the waning minutes of every inevitable Dallas Cowboys loss. It's the same look every Cowboy fan has at the same time. It's the look of the U.S.S. wade phillips (so beautifully still captured by Eliot J. Schechter of Getty Images) staring dimly at the scoreboard with only one thought.... wait, what?

tony romo has lost 16 times since becoming the quarterback of the of the wealthiest sports franchise in the United States. Among those sixteen times, only a few times has any God fearing Cowboy fan come away from the loss saying, 'you wanna know what? The other team was just better than us.' The 2006 Eagles beat the Cowboys. 2007 Patriots beat the Cowboys. 2008 Eagles. At every other loss, Cowboy fan comes away feeling like they've been living on a steady diet of uncooked Stag Chili, never really being able to identify a what happened save for the fact that the 'Boys yet again beat themselves. Cowboy fan lives in a perennial state of "if tony romo could just handle a grade school talent show's worth of pressure..." "why does the defense only play lights out for occasional quarters..." ".... wait, what?"

Thirty seconds into the second half, Knowshon Moreno fumbled the football at his own 24 yard line, and every Bronco fan was scared. However, every real Cowboy fan knew exactly what was coming. After gaining a first down, tony romo air mails it to Roy Eugene to bring up third and eleven. Uh oh, pressure situation, Jason Garrett and Wade Phillips would have been better served just taking a knee and kicking a field goal. On second thought, they would have been better off removing romo from the game, and then taking a knee. (Seattle fan knows romo can screw up even the simplest of football maneuvers.) But that didn't happen. What did happen was what everyone was waiting for and expecting. Miles Austin breaks back on the comeback route, leaving Roland Bailey 2 yards back on his heels behind him and wide open for a first down. It is a near impossible route to cover, even for a future hall of fame cornerback who was straight locking fools down. But, it's alot easier when the opposing team has a special olympian slinging the rock. pick. no points. ball game.... wait what?

I am a self loathing football fan.

I've already heard the rap that Romo threw the ball where the route "should have" been run. And that is precisely why he is one of the most debilitating forces known to man. Seriously, this guy makes Cerebral Palsy look like a superpower. Just because the ball "should be" thrown there, does NOT mean you are required under penalty of death to throw it there. It's a game of goddamn adjustments. I watched that play on loop that night as I whacked it and cried myself to sleep. Miles Austin sees Roland Bailey looking to take away the outside, MAKES AN ADJUSTMENT and settles into the inside window to get the first down, and tony romo, who was locked on to Austin since the play was an idea... made NO adjustment and threw it to a wide open ... Roland Bailey. This is how you know sports aren't fixed, you just can't write idiocy of this repeated magnitude. (Tyler Perry might have something to say about that but still) Even if this was Austin's fault, romo has, in legal terms, demonstrated a repeated behavior of choking a big one at the slightest hint of necessity. So by default... blame goes to him. He is the NFL's personification of the boy who cries wolf. I'm just waiting for the wolf to just eat him already.

Maybe it's not all romo's fault though. I mean really, how could one man be responsible for 15 years of NFL purgatory? The Cowboys never made a move toward the top until Bill Parcells came in cracking the whip. He instilled a structure, good draft choices (sans bobby carpenter) on the offensive and defensive lines. Moved to the 3-4 to unleash DeMarcus Ware, did the best with antique quarterbacks like Vinny Testeverde and Drew Bledsoe, not to mention a playoff appearance with a cracked out Quincy Carter. And after one season with T.O., the organization chose T.O.

Perhaps this is the fundamental problem with the Cowboys today. Look at the former assistant coaches that were in Dallas under the big man.

Todd Haley, former wide receivers coach: offensive coordinator for super bowl representatives Cardinals and current Chiefs head coach.

Tony Sparano, former o-line coach/assistant head coach: current head coach of the Miami Dolphins.

And of course Sean Payton, former assistant head coach and quarterbacks coach: current head coach of the undefeated New Orleans saints.

Did Jerry screw it? Yes. But not because he chose T.O. over Parcells. It's because he chose tony romo as his starting quarterback. Jerry screwed it when he signed tony romo to a six year, 67.4 million dollar contract in 2007.

Just as the Barry Switzer team blew up after Jimmy Johnson's iron fist rule, the Cowboys went 13-3 under "coach cupcake" after Stalin Parcells. The only thing that stopped the Cowboys from winning in the playoffs? A romo interception and two sacks in the final drive of the playoff game against the Giants.

Flash forward two years and we have this gem from the Fort Worth Star-Telegram:

"Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo is getting a lot of criticism for throwing consecutive passes to fourth receiver Sam Hurd against Denver standout cornerback Champ Bailey on third and fourth down to end the game in Sunday's 17-10 loss. Is is possible that Romo didn't know it was fourth down? Following the final incomplete pass to end the Cowboys hopes, a video caught on KDFW Fox-4 shows Romo seemingly telling his linemen to line back up. He then flashes three fingers to one of the game officials. After hearing the response, Romo screams and walks off field. If true, Romo apparently forgot about the spike to stop the clock on second down."

I rest my case. tony romo is driving the ship right into a massive iceberg and will take every man, woman, and child affiliated with the organization with him.

You know that Will Smith movie "I Am Legend?" Good movie save one critical moment. You already know what it is, after Will Smith's German Shepard and only living friend heroically saves him from the freaky flesh eating zombies, we are forced to endure the drawn out scene of Big Willy tearfully suffocating his best and most loyal friend that has been infected by the zombie virus. Every girl cried, every dude searched their minds like they were trying to lengthen sex for something else to think about so they wouldn't cry..... For a lot of people it completely ruined it's greatness and rewatchability... it ruined something that was otherwise great...That.... is tony romo.

I am still a Cowboy fan.

After letting the alcohol and grease take nature's course and pass through my body, I gave myself a full day to pout and brood over the constant little jabs I was still receiving from non-Cowboy fans of which I never responded to. Then I rallied.

I realized these juvenile little sticks in my side is nothing to really get down about. I'm still a Cowboy fan. My franchise is still better than your franchise. One, two, three, four, five.... five championship rings. How many do you have?

Yes my Cowboys are currently in a 15 year slump. Yes, my quarterback is mentally disabled. You're still a bronco fan. I'm still a Cowboy fan. I get to be arrogant because you've never had a dynasty before. So I'll take your pot-shots, and while I'll admit the Cowboy season is over and I really have nothing to look forward to this season, I'm not stupid enough to admit the Broncos are better.

Oh you're right, the boys haven't won a playoff game in over a decade. How many diamonds does the ring the broncs got for losing to the Steelers in the AFC Championship have again? Please...

So the team is down for a while. On Sunday I wore my Raghib "rocket" Ismail jersey. After signing with the Cowboys in 1999, he was present for the worst run Cowboy seasons in recent memory, maybe in history (1999-2003). The jersey is a representation of the hardship every Cowboy fan tolerates. It's easy to pump the franchise when you win or are in the dynasty, only a true fan can rep their team when times are tough.

In conclusion, I want you to realize this loss will never make me admit the broncos are better. I will never walk out on the Cowboys... especially for an organization that has eeked out two championships in the same amount of time as Dallas. The funny thing is, you all come at me like you just dominated. As I said before, the Cowboys rarely ever outright get beat, the Broncos didn't even play that well. So you're quips are like Ricky Martin lobbing derogatory shots at the Beatles because he won a couple of Grammys. Keep your dated uniforms (sweet pant 'swoosh'), your quarterback,your coach, and keep trying to catch up to the Raiders for number of championships. In the meantime, kiss the rings, and kiss my...