Football Friday

Is this the most watched or least watched Sunday of regular season football? If you haven't checked a calendar, it's Halloween Eve, making the morrow slut day 2009!... er Halloween!

In addition to this most reverent holiday landing on a Saturday, it lands on Daylight Savings time, a mind boggling time warp that happens once in the spring and once in the fall. Dress up as a time traveler this Halloween because when time stops for one hour at midnight that night, it allows legal drinking at any friendly bar, pub, saloon, in the state of Colorado, for one extra hour. I'm too simple minded to understand what is actually being accomplished by this shift in the time-space continuum, but I do know that it's an extra hour of staring at scantly-clad "respectable" females under the influence of extra-late bar drinks for an additional hour, which can only end well.

It also starts the first round of football games at 10am instead of it's usual 11am, even though technically it will be 11am, even though it's been 10am for months. Which brings me back to my original point. Will this time wormhole make people go so big to rep the day of the dead they do nothing but sit their half-face painted, hungover, shell of themselves in front of the TV all day and watch football, or will it send the population into a sex and drugs coma that wipes them out for 90% of the next day.

Last Week: 7-6
All Time: 49-51

My insiders to the NFL were able to dig up what each team was going to be for Halloween. Bump the Jam.

BALTIMORE EDGAR ALLEN POE'S (-3) over Denver Jay Cutlers

This is the funniest sports line I've seen in a while. If you have followed, I sarcastically picked the bye week favored by three to cover the spread against the Broncos last week. Now, the undefeated Denver Broncos, coming off of a bye week, to a team sitting at .500, is favored.

I alluded to this last week, this is a huge game for the Broncos. I mean, the biggest game the Donkeys have played all season. Allow me to expand.

You did it Broncos, you proved your team is a capable playoff contender. You proved Big Mac shouldn't be institutionalized. You've already won one more game than I predicted at the beginning of the season. But stop crying about not getting any respect Bronco fan, seriously. Being recognized as a good team is good enough for you right now, there are still some lingering questions that remain to be considered a Super Bowl contender.

Can the Broncos handle the celebrity that comes with winning?

B-Marsh is everywhere. Donning Rockies gear after the Monday Night win, ESPN interviews, and courtside at Nuggets games. It's tasteless to bring up what happened last time Marshall started enjoying himself in the public, but you're not eating me so.... multiple cases of domestic violence, partying and fights in clubs that contributed to, well you know, a murder.

The Broncos are starting to turn the corner on being recognized as a legitimate team. Now instead of being a team that is overlooked on the schedule, the Broncos are a team opponents get jacked up to play. The Broncos will now be getting the best out other teams for the rest of the schedule. This team hasn't been there before, and the motivation of "everyone doesn't believe in us" is all but out the door. Whether or not the Vegas line says so, the Broncos are the hunted.

Can the Broncos handle adversity?

No. Not the kind of adversity that the Broncos experienced during the offseason, the kind where everyone outside the organization is telling them they can't. I'm talking about a key injury, a multi-interception game from Kyle Orton (If Kyle Orton doesn't throw a real interception for the rest of the year I will donate my first born to science), or a bad call by the refs in a critical situation. The Broncos haven't experienced anything close to this yet. I mean I guess unless you count the miracle Cincinnati, but that is precisely my point. The Broncos are just on absolute fire right now. Like the 2007 Colorado Rockies. Unless the Broncos can keep the flame going and finish out undefeated for the rest of the season, no one knows how the Broncos will respond to losing and the subsequent doubt.

Look, this is a good thing. I'm pretty much saying the only thing that can stop the Broncos is the Broncos.... or playing to back down to their actual talent level.... however you want so spin it.

PS... I called this out last week, to all thinking it will be hilarious to be the "cry baby Cutler" for Halloween this year. It's weak. It's obvious. It's nothing you, me, or anyone else came up with by themselves. It's not funny. It's dated. Don't do it.

CHICAGO SUPER BOWL DEFENSE (-13) over Cleveland Fat Girl in Fish Nets

Chicago sucks. But the weird thing about the NFL this year is the four "chunks" of teams this year... My debut of the first 2009-2010 Power Rankings:

Legitimate Contenders Chunk:

Colts, Saints, Broncos (for now)

Any Given Sunday Chunk: (Put any of these teams against each other, anyone can beat anyone)

Vikings, Bengals, Patriots,Giants, Steelers, Cardinals, Falcons, Cowboys, Packers, Eagles, Texans, Jets, Ravens, Bears

I'm Going to Screw Your Parlay Chunk: (You have to bet on these teams, only they aren't very good)

Jaguars, Chargers, 49ers, Bills, Panthers, Dolphins

+20 Chunk: (Teams that get blown out unless they're playing each other)

Raiders, Redskins, Lions, Browns, Chiefs, Rams, Bucs, Titans

No one is really better than any other team in their respective chunk. I almost combined the middle two chunks into just "everyone else," but to believe that some of those "borderline crappy" teams have just too many glaring weaknesses. I can't say I like or dislike the NFL this lopsided, it is what it is.


BUFFALO PLAYERS THAT ACTUALLY WANT TO PLAY IN BUFFALO(+3.5) cover Houston Homeless

Just when you thought Houston was going to make a statement win, In comes Alex Smith and a subsequent near two touchdown down comeback. The Texans just don't want to be good, they want to find a way to lose against inferior opponents, they want to take the easy way out, they want that bagged bottle of booze. The look like they want to be homeless.

San Francisco Mike "Cemetary's" (+13) cover INDIANAPOLIS BARACK OBAMAS

San Francisco is dressing up as the half dead, risen, Mike Singletary. Costume includes rotted flesh makeup, eyes popping out of the head, and of course size 45/35 khakis worn at the ankles.

Working hard or hardly working Indy? Listen to the list of foes slain by the mighty Petyon Manning to start the year out undefeated: Jacksonville, Miami, Arizona, Seattle, Tennessee, St. Louis. Looks about as impressive as Barack Obama's Peace Prize resume.

NEW YORK BADASSES (-3.5) over Miami Wildcats

It's week 8, and Rex Ryan's act is already tired. How ya gonna "fucking kill em" this week Rex? Another multi-interception game from your rookie Sanchize quarterback? Blitzing a "gimmick" offense that seems to light your defense up? You are what you are, a mediocre football team that talks a big game. Hit the mute button until you get back to the playoffs.

"Wildcat" is the word du season this year. Am I the only one that gets a little uncomfortable when aging men stare at me on the TV and say the word "wildcat" over and over again? Boomer Esiason, and every other aging analyst, looks like he's trying to seduce me through the camera by over-pronunciating the word "wildcat." I can only imagine what the hours of erectile dysfunction commercials are doing to these guys sex drives. Couple that with a word old people use to refer to a sexually advanced female partner, and I just have to turn away. Why is it even called the "wildcat" anyway? If memory serves correctly, the formation was instituted by the University of Arkansas with the Darren McFadden and Felix Jones backfield. Their team's mascot is the Razorback. Razorback = wildcat? Now I'm positive it's sexual innuendo. weak.

---------"wildcat!"

DALLAS WIZARD OF OZ CHARACTERS (-9.5) over Seattle Relevant

This just seems like the kind of game an overrated team blows at home, sending the season to imminent peril, and a first round playoff loss. If Tony "the scarecrow" Romo only had a brain he could lead a turnover free offense to an easy win. If Wade "the lion" Phillips only had some courage to be tough and teach discipline to an offensive line that jumps offside five times a game, maybe the Cowboy offense could put together long sustaining drives. If "the tin man" defense had any heart, they could stop opponents on third downs. Jerry "dorothy" Jones is clicking his heals like mad to bring another championship home.

New York Celebrities (even) over PHILTHADELPHIA PHILLIES

The game I am most interested to half be awake to watch on football Sunday. Suddenly the Eagles aren't looking as overloaded with talent as they once were. Talk about a team that could never win the big one like their cohorts that play baseball. Couldn't tell you which team I despise more for the various reasons. Still, game has playoff and division implications. Feasibly, the Dallas Cowboys could be in first place in the division after this week, who would have thunk?

SAN DIEGO PRETENDERS (-16.5!) over Joakland Normal

What a hoot of a line! No one personifies the Chargers more right now than one Shawne Merriman. This guy had one good season and everyone anointed the next great blitzing outside linebacker. One major knee injury and performance enhancer bust later, you can't pick him out on the field. Remember when Chad Esteban Johnson Ochocinco called out Merriman sparking a twitter-off? Who's getting the better of that one?

What does a Raider fan dress up as for Halloween?

TENNESSEE PLEBIANS (-3) over Jacksonville Whatever We Can Find At Savers

Statistically may be the least watched game in I can't remember when. Welcome back Vince Young. Did you know he was in the pro-bowl?

Lendale White needs to be Lendale white for Halloween. Fat Lendale White was far more productive than current "lost 20lbs because I got off the Patron" Lendale White.

Minnesota Pedophiles (+3) cover GREEN BAY "THIS IS TOO IMPORTANT TO DRESS UP"

So It has to be said, Brad Chilldress looks like a pedophile. To make things worse, this story pops up about Childress trying to remind his players "It's just a game, have fun." Picking up Favre from the airport was questionable, the bald-head beard look is questionable, women's clothing is questionable.

DETROIT GOVERNMENT BAILOUT BENEFICIARIES (-4) St. Louis Politically Correct

I don't care about this game, I just like the new matchup.

Carolina Skank Police Officers (+10) cover ARIZONA SKANK NURSES

See? That just made this head to head battle more interesting too.

NEW ORLEANS RISKY BUSINESS GUYS (-10) over Atlanta Balloon Boy Interpretations

New Orleans thinks they are better than everyone else. Whether or not they are remains to be seen, but that is the same sense of pride the dude who busts out the tighty whities, loosely opened button-down shirt, and Ray-Bans has. You, Tom Cruise impersonator, are no different than Boy Scout Skank. Look there's nothing wrong with it I guess, I just think you're coming on a little strong.

Atlanta just seems no better than topical this year.

Happy Halloween everyone, go big.

"how we makin' money on the Buffs this week" pick: Buffs (+3.5)
"how we makin' money on the Buffs this week" record: 2-0

Last week's comments:

Greg: "Are you covering the Winter Olympics? Nothing says new in the sports world like a full, 54 country Power Ranking for Curling. You'll be huge in Sweden. Also - much as I like the idea of a strong Oakland team to give the Heimlich Maneuver to a increasingly boring Broncos-Raiders rivalry, I don't think they've got it in them to take #2 in the AFC West. The reason - fickle San Diego. San Diego is like the slacker who bombs every class on the midterm, then takes his feet off the desk, puts out his cigarette on the No Smoking sign, and aces every class on the Finals. They flat out destroy in December. Even if Oakland makes the quantum leap to a positive record now, there's no way their record will be able to keep up with San Diego's late season shenanigans. So the Raiders are hoping at best for third place in the division this year, and no playoff berth. Or maybe that Al Davis chokes on his shrimp scampi. It doesn't matter anyway. By the start of December, the Broncos will have ten wins at the very least. Game, set, match - division - playoffs."

Broncos already have it locked up, and by no means was I saying the Raiders were going to do anything that would threaten the playoffs. It's just better to see them win some games and flirt with .500. San Diego is the slacker that gets what's coming to them finally this season and has to take the course forgiveness. Tomlinson is too old, their defense is too uninspired, I don't see it.

As for the Winter Olympics, while Sweden is one of those rare "untapped markets," I can't promise a full on curling power-poll as my limited knowledge of Nordic languages and how it even works would be dishonest and unfair. You can however prepare for "hottness" power ranking for the women's curling teams. As I remember, some of those Norwegian countries put together some tight little squads.

Some opening questions for the Winter Games... Will Canada outsource the opening ceremony to the Chinese? Has Apollo Anton Ono aged in the last four years? Is this the one with Michael Phelps? Does Jamaica have a bobsled team this year?

Randy: Oh yeah I forgot about us coming up with FreeLance. I love it

Count it.