Week 6 Picks: Rally Time

It's officially rally time.

Midnight. Friend's cabin. A new group of of church sober acquaintances have just arrived late... only you're "making whoopee" to a toilet because you've been drinking... like... 25 beers and a few bowl rips... no... like at least 30 beers a couple shots and some bowl rips... no dude, cause then you've got the ones we drank on that hike... since 10am. It's finally caught up to you. You're on a personal journey of endurance that will have you questioning faith, character, and life. You're dry heavin'.

But you've got a decision to make. I mean, you've been hugging the john for an hour. Where's your head at? Is it time pack it in? You gave it your best shot? Your head is spinning? I mean, since 10am?

Or.

Is it rally time...?

I am the sports fan nearly passed out on the toilet. I had about 72 beers of "winning Rockies baseball comeback hype, light." About nine to nineteen shots of "Romo friendly offense hype tequila." But, of course I was mixing that with god knows how many shots of "there's no way the Broncos win more than 3 games this year hype Tennessee Whisky." Concluded finally with one epic six foot bong rip of "the 'Buffs are going to win 10 games hype kush."

At the time it was a great idea. Pant-wettingly drunk off the excitement and potential of my teams' hype. But with the last solo cup of "winning Rockies baseball comeback hype... light" bringing me to my knees at the foot of my new porcelain master, my personal journey has brought me to the aforementioned two choices. One, swear everything off and live out the rest of my sports season a passed out, buzzkill, misses the rest of an epic night party-pooper.

Or.

Rally time.

Pass me that beer bong of "Denver Nuggets NBA Championship hype," and bump my comeback song on high volume... I'm back in the game.


last week... gulp.. 3-10 ATS
season... 34-41 ATS

I threw all that up too with the "Romo friendly offense." Don't worry about it. Rally time. If my big brother Barack can win the nobel peace prize, so can I.

Kansas Shitty Chiefs (+6) over WASHINGTON REDSKINS

Native American battle! Hoo! Tried to google a famous inter-native american battle so I could name this the "(famous inter-native american battle) bowl." Couldn't find one. So I'm gonna go with "that battle between the Sioux and Pawnee in the movie Dances with Wolves... bowl." The chiefs had a chance to get a coach fired if they could have punched out a vic over the Cowboys.... can they go 1 for 2? It would be delightful... and creates a strong possibility of shaking up the Monday Night Football booth crew. I love sports.

Oh yeah, and I wish the chiefs would have won. Seriously, the 'Boys need OT take care of a win at loserville KC.


THE 'NATI BENGALS (-4.5) over Houston Texans

Pretenders r us. The 'nati comes in hot, at home. And everyone knows they still live in fear because of the "Hard Knocks Curse." The Bengals sold their soul to the devil of the football gods to be relevant again. Sooner or later the devil is going to come a collectin' for his payment. Not now though. They have to be at the top so when they come crashing down to reality, the pain hurts so much more.

Is anyone else getting the feeling that maybe the city of Houston just isn't meant to have a football team?

Which reminds me of Huston Street. What in Christ's name was that?


Cleveland Brownies (+14) cover PITTSBURGH STEELERS

In retrospect, I really have been violating some very core gambling values that I really do keep close to my heart. The most glaring offense looking back would be the absolute truth of not betting on the Spittsburgh Steelers with big spreads. "(-10) against the lions? please. ex-super bowl champions, free money baby!"

Gambling is like going on a temple adventure with Indiana Jones. You gotta watch out for the traps. Namely, every Steeler game with a big spread.

As a man (and recent follower, congratulations) named Pie recently pointed out. Things did not end well for the Steelers last time they lost DE Aaron Smith for the season.

B-more Ravens (+3) over MINNESOTA VIKINGS

Purple is the color of royalty. Behold one of the many money games that gets me jacked up for this weekend.

Has Minny really beat anyone? They squeaked by San Fran and we allllll know what happened against Green Bay. Other than that, St. Louis, Cleveland, Detroit? You kiddin me? Let's just say the Broncos have proved more early on.

Thanks to my sister for reporting on the "Brett Favre" drinking game she participated in. 123 times the Viking quarterback's name was mentioned during the Packers-Vikings game. Proving once and for all, that my sister knows how to drink... and the epidemic that is Brett Farve obsession is undoubtedly more dangerous than the swine flu.

Oh, I'm sorry, "H1N1"

I can't believe Dennis Quaid hasn't released a movie about the H1N1 virus wiping out infants, the elderly and the poor... and that somehow leading to an apocalypse.

I'm tellin' you Mr. President... the virus has made the jump from swine. Do what's right and order the evacuation.

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (-9.5) over St. Louis Rams

I beginning to warm up to the idea that this Rush Limbaugh deal was a publicity stunt. It just seems about as contrived as some kid in Fort Collins named after a kind of raptor floating away in a tin foil balloon...

I also warming up to the idea that Jack Del Rio has no idea what he is doing. Play Indianapolis tough, get blown out by Seattle. I think it's an even week so Jax should come ready to play. Plus, the eloquently delivered criticism of the coaching staff and the play calling might prompt the ball in the hands of Pocket Hercules.

Is the jury still out on Stephen Jackson? He has sucked for three years, but it is beyond my reasoning as to whether or not it's because he plays for the worst team of the decade.

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (-3) over New York Giants

Another reason I'm pumped on this weekend of football.

It's tough to like the Giants because everyone from Tiki Barber to Justin Tuck always has to run their mouth. Is Friar Tuck still preaching about Flomax Adams tripping people? We get it, yeah you are real hardcore in your Subway commercials singing opera with Jared and Strahan.

A battle of undefeateds is always fun. And when you find it getting toward the middle of the season, they are like little super bowls. Methinks this is the game everyone and their brother will prematurely give the NFC championship to afterward.

Carolina Panthers (-3) over TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS

Parity is not truer portrayed anywhere else. Are the Dallas Cowboys and Carolina Panthers not the same team? Shaky, never will be big time, quarterbacks. A dominating runninggame. And presently underachieving stud outside linebackers. (I'm looking at you DeMarcus Ware and Julius Peppers) So why not bet the exact same way as if this was week 1 when the Dallas Cowboys had a similar line?

GREEN BAY PACKERS (-13.5) over Detroit Lions

Greg Jennings is due for a breakout game, as he has not had one in 5 weeks.

Watching Dante Culpeppper anymore is kind of depressing. He just looks so old. It seems like the NFL has been going on for a while, and we haven't seen much of Dante. One year and five weeks from the last time I saw him and he looks fat and washed up, but still tries really hard to make a comeback. Kind of like watching Axel Rose bust out at the MTV music awards with his new band. Awkward.

PHILTHADELPHIA EAGLES (-14) over Jokeland Raiders

Sounds about right.

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (-3) over Arizona Cardinals

Nuva Ring division alert. Nuva Ring divisional battle alert. I'm extremely uncomfortble right now.

Buffalo Bills cover (+9) cover NEW YORK FOOTBALL JETS

Who doesn't miss T.O. being relevant? I want names. Say what you want about what a clown he is, how rediculous his reality show is, how many dropped balls he has. The league is better and more fun when he is on a team that matters. Hey what can you say you tried Buffalo. Yet another in the slew of feeble attempts to bring a hint of respect for the team and city of Buffalo. Too bad Chicago is waiting for Brandon Marshall's contract to expire next year.

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (-9) over Tennessee Titans

What a bust Tennessee is. What the 9 point spread should represent is the amount of points down at halftime that forces our favorite tailgater to put Vince Young in the game. As of the end of the game last week. I am self-contractually obligated to not bet on the Titans anymore. What are the odds of them rallying with me?

Chicago Bears (+3) over HOTLANTA FALCONS

The game I'm second most looking forward to. Battle of the young guns. I predict a 4th quarter game winning drive by Jay Cutler.

Do you still wonder Bronco fan about the possibilities of your team if you still had Jay Cutler? Think about it....


keep thinking...


Here's betting you came to the conclusion that you are 5-0 and could be no better than that with any other quarterback, including but not limited to Jay Cutler. Which means Big Mac Josh McDaniels is your man. From now on. Thick or thin.

My bet is you also had a voice in the back of your head that shares my opinion. The Donkeys could be 5-0 and have a legitamite shot at a Super Bowl. That voice in your head does not really believe that Kyle Orton will hold the Lombardi over his head as a starting quarterback. Or does Big Mac's Kool-Aid really taste that good? We'll see.


SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (-3.5) over Denver Broncos

The matchup I am most excited to watch. I wrote that holding back regurgitation. It's just so damned fascinating that the Donkeys are 5-0 and are STILL underdogs. Bronco fan has got to be angry, but think about it, there really can be an asterisk placed next to each of your five wins.

Bengals*.............. *The game is lost. Only with a quarterback with a noodle arm like Orton's could underthrow it weakly enough for it to be tipped 5 yards short, and only a brain like Roy Williams's could take such an aggressively bad angle at the end of a game to allow Brandon Stokely to run so freely to win the game.

Browns*..............*It's the Browns.

Raiders*..............*It's the Raiders.

Cowboys*............*Tony Romo

Patriots*.............*Another conspiracy theory regarding Bill Belichick: Realizing his coaching tree is more like a dying fern, Bellichick only attempts to beat the broncos half ass, not daring to make the obvious adjustments at halftime and continue to give the ball to Welker in the middle of the field over and over again. He does this all for the sake of being able to show people one person from his "genious" turns out alright. My key piece of evidence: Bill Belichick running toward the middle of the field to find his "prodigy," then wandering around like a sad puppy looking for his master for a good 10 minutes, still looking back as he walks toward the locker room, as Big Mac does the fist pump lap of victory. (the fist pump lap of victory was badass) Has Belichick gone soft or just soft for one guy?

These are only semi-jokingly presented. 5-0 is 5-0, no argument about it. But those asterisks keep you in the underdog cellar. It works for the Broncos, they might not want to lose it. The Donkeys are hot right now, but championships and futures are not built in five games.


"How we makin' money on the 'Buffs this week" pick: Buffs (+9.5) cover Kansas

The word likes to keep this interactive. And thanks to all the feedback recieved from 3 people, well, 2 confirmed people, we debut the "three c's section." That's compliments, constructive criticisms, and creole.

Steve said: "well articulated."

Why thank you Steve

"Anonymous" opined: "What a "Bum" this Phillips is. Look at his face! No, Wade, Aliens have not infiltrated your pathetic team. You did this psych job yourself."

"Bum" of course being the comedic play on Wade Phillips dad's name and the slang term applied to the homeless. Too scared to put your name to that Anonymous? Reveal yourself apparition.... Mom...?

Randy wrote: "poor, poor Lance"

Rally time.

I managed to sift through all the feedback and come up with those. Thanks.