My Response...

Most of you have been baiting me for a response to the recent Dallas Cowboy-Denver Bronco game, and unless you have boobs, you probably haven't received one. Here you go.

I am a Cowboy fan in a Bronco world.

3:15 pm mountain standard time (roughly):

It is the end of the first quarter in a downtown Denver sports bar and everything is right with the world. I sit amongst family and friends, and aside from a group of fellow Cowboy fans to my right, it is an otherwise sea of orange and blue. The bar is beautifully quiet, and if not for being balls deep in fried pickles, wings, and assorted beers and liquors keeping my emotions in check, you'd think I'd lost my virginity to Brooklyn Decker the night before... a fantasy night she described as nothing short of amazing.

The Cowboys had come out exactly how I had expected. Tashard the people's Choice off tackle; eight yards. Barber screen pass; twenty six yards. Nick Folk 49 yard field goal... is great.

Orton hilariously incomplete deep. Run Stuff. Penalty. Orton incomplete. Out.

Flair out to the People's Choice; 28 yards. Martellus Bennet; 13 yards. Roy Eugene Williams; 11 yards. Alas the punctuation, Marion Barber III, carrying the weight of a Cowboy nation's sorrow upon his back, not to mention three-quarters of the Donkey defense, punishes his way into the endzone with a downright herculean second effort.

Ten - nothing. End first quarter of regulation.

The Denver Broncos had amassed 30 yards of total offense, while watching the bigger, stronger, faster, more talented, Cowboys run so hard up the ass of their defense, the game would have been stopped and the Cowboys assessed a 500$ fine for violating state sodomy laws had the game been played in Texas.

The happiness would end there. My romance novel night with Brooklyn turned into an itching venereal disease.

It would take only five minutes into the second quarter for tony romo to hold the ball too long for flomax... I mean flozell adams to maintain his block. It would take only five minutes for romo to giftwrap yet another touchdown for the other team. It would take only five minutes for the season to end.

Not seconds after the sixteenth time tony romo attempted a pass to a man covered by Roland Bailey my cell phone lit up like the first morning of the Tet Offensive. 37 text messages. I didn't even know I still communicated with 37 people. Some memorable ones include:

"Dude are you still a Cowboys fan after that game? Yes you just lost to Kyle Orton"

"My condolences to you and your family"

"Suit up Kitna. How many games are you gonna give romo to blow?"

"Kyle Orton"

"Are you ok? Away from sharp objects??"

"McDaniels is for real"

"That's what i'm talking about. Broncos making the playoffs and cowboys in early season downward spiral."

With every text message I opened, the football fan flame in my heart died a little more. Where am I right now? Kyle Orton is the quarterback of a 4-0 football team? Kitna? Bronco fan pretending they expected this, but really just now jumping on the Big Mac bandwagon with delusions of playoff grandeur? I'm going to puke.

I am a confused football fan.

The thing about being a Cowboy fan is that the feeling you have after losses, is completely unique to you. It is utter confusion.

There's a look that you often catch in the waning minutes of every inevitable Dallas Cowboys loss. It's the same look every Cowboy fan has at the same time. It's the look of the U.S.S. wade phillips (so beautifully still captured by Eliot J. Schechter of Getty Images) staring dimly at the scoreboard with only one thought.... wait, what?

tony romo has lost 16 times since becoming the quarterback of the of the wealthiest sports franchise in the United States. Among those sixteen times, only a few times has any God fearing Cowboy fan come away from the loss saying, 'you wanna know what? The other team was just better than us.' The 2006 Eagles beat the Cowboys. 2007 Patriots beat the Cowboys. 2008 Eagles. At every other loss, Cowboy fan comes away feeling like they've been living on a steady diet of uncooked Stag Chili, never really being able to identify a what happened save for the fact that the 'Boys yet again beat themselves. Cowboy fan lives in a perennial state of "if tony romo could just handle a grade school talent show's worth of pressure..." "why does the defense only play lights out for occasional quarters..." ".... wait, what?"

Thirty seconds into the second half, Knowshon Moreno fumbled the football at his own 24 yard line, and every Bronco fan was scared. However, every real Cowboy fan knew exactly what was coming. After gaining a first down, tony romo air mails it to Roy Eugene to bring up third and eleven. Uh oh, pressure situation, Jason Garrett and Wade Phillips would have been better served just taking a knee and kicking a field goal. On second thought, they would have been better off removing romo from the game, and then taking a knee. (Seattle fan knows romo can screw up even the simplest of football maneuvers.) But that didn't happen. What did happen was what everyone was waiting for and expecting. Miles Austin breaks back on the comeback route, leaving Roland Bailey 2 yards back on his heels behind him and wide open for a first down. It is a near impossible route to cover, even for a future hall of fame cornerback who was straight locking fools down. But, it's alot easier when the opposing team has a special olympian slinging the rock. pick. no points. ball game.... wait what?

I am a self loathing football fan.

I've already heard the rap that Romo threw the ball where the route "should have" been run. And that is precisely why he is one of the most debilitating forces known to man. Seriously, this guy makes Cerebral Palsy look like a superpower. Just because the ball "should be" thrown there, does NOT mean you are required under penalty of death to throw it there. It's a game of goddamn adjustments. I watched that play on loop that night as I whacked it and cried myself to sleep. Miles Austin sees Roland Bailey looking to take away the outside, MAKES AN ADJUSTMENT and settles into the inside window to get the first down, and tony romo, who was locked on to Austin since the play was an idea... made NO adjustment and threw it to a wide open ... Roland Bailey. This is how you know sports aren't fixed, you just can't write idiocy of this repeated magnitude. (Tyler Perry might have something to say about that but still) Even if this was Austin's fault, romo has, in legal terms, demonstrated a repeated behavior of choking a big one at the slightest hint of necessity. So by default... blame goes to him. He is the NFL's personification of the boy who cries wolf. I'm just waiting for the wolf to just eat him already.

Maybe it's not all romo's fault though. I mean really, how could one man be responsible for 15 years of NFL purgatory? The Cowboys never made a move toward the top until Bill Parcells came in cracking the whip. He instilled a structure, good draft choices (sans bobby carpenter) on the offensive and defensive lines. Moved to the 3-4 to unleash DeMarcus Ware, did the best with antique quarterbacks like Vinny Testeverde and Drew Bledsoe, not to mention a playoff appearance with a cracked out Quincy Carter. And after one season with T.O., the organization chose T.O.

Perhaps this is the fundamental problem with the Cowboys today. Look at the former assistant coaches that were in Dallas under the big man.

Todd Haley, former wide receivers coach: offensive coordinator for super bowl representatives Cardinals and current Chiefs head coach.

Tony Sparano, former o-line coach/assistant head coach: current head coach of the Miami Dolphins.

And of course Sean Payton, former assistant head coach and quarterbacks coach: current head coach of the undefeated New Orleans saints.

Did Jerry screw it? Yes. But not because he chose T.O. over Parcells. It's because he chose tony romo as his starting quarterback. Jerry screwed it when he signed tony romo to a six year, 67.4 million dollar contract in 2007.

Just as the Barry Switzer team blew up after Jimmy Johnson's iron fist rule, the Cowboys went 13-3 under "coach cupcake" after Stalin Parcells. The only thing that stopped the Cowboys from winning in the playoffs? A romo interception and two sacks in the final drive of the playoff game against the Giants.

Flash forward two years and we have this gem from the Fort Worth Star-Telegram:

"Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo is getting a lot of criticism for throwing consecutive passes to fourth receiver Sam Hurd against Denver standout cornerback Champ Bailey on third and fourth down to end the game in Sunday's 17-10 loss. Is is possible that Romo didn't know it was fourth down? Following the final incomplete pass to end the Cowboys hopes, a video caught on KDFW Fox-4 shows Romo seemingly telling his linemen to line back up. He then flashes three fingers to one of the game officials. After hearing the response, Romo screams and walks off field. If true, Romo apparently forgot about the spike to stop the clock on second down."

I rest my case. tony romo is driving the ship right into a massive iceberg and will take every man, woman, and child affiliated with the organization with him.

You know that Will Smith movie "I Am Legend?" Good movie save one critical moment. You already know what it is, after Will Smith's German Shepard and only living friend heroically saves him from the freaky flesh eating zombies, we are forced to endure the drawn out scene of Big Willy tearfully suffocating his best and most loyal friend that has been infected by the zombie virus. Every girl cried, every dude searched their minds like they were trying to lengthen sex for something else to think about so they wouldn't cry..... For a lot of people it completely ruined it's greatness and rewatchability... it ruined something that was otherwise great...That.... is tony romo.

I am still a Cowboy fan.

After letting the alcohol and grease take nature's course and pass through my body, I gave myself a full day to pout and brood over the constant little jabs I was still receiving from non-Cowboy fans of which I never responded to. Then I rallied.

I realized these juvenile little sticks in my side is nothing to really get down about. I'm still a Cowboy fan. My franchise is still better than your franchise. One, two, three, four, five.... five championship rings. How many do you have?

Yes my Cowboys are currently in a 15 year slump. Yes, my quarterback is mentally disabled. You're still a bronco fan. I'm still a Cowboy fan. I get to be arrogant because you've never had a dynasty before. So I'll take your pot-shots, and while I'll admit the Cowboy season is over and I really have nothing to look forward to this season, I'm not stupid enough to admit the Broncos are better.

Oh you're right, the boys haven't won a playoff game in over a decade. How many diamonds does the ring the broncs got for losing to the Steelers in the AFC Championship have again? Please...

So the team is down for a while. On Sunday I wore my Raghib "rocket" Ismail jersey. After signing with the Cowboys in 1999, he was present for the worst run Cowboy seasons in recent memory, maybe in history (1999-2003). The jersey is a representation of the hardship every Cowboy fan tolerates. It's easy to pump the franchise when you win or are in the dynasty, only a true fan can rep their team when times are tough.

In conclusion, I want you to realize this loss will never make me admit the broncos are better. I will never walk out on the Cowboys... especially for an organization that has eeked out two championships in the same amount of time as Dallas. The funny thing is, you all come at me like you just dominated. As I said before, the Cowboys rarely ever outright get beat, the Broncos didn't even play that well. So you're quips are like Ricky Martin lobbing derogatory shots at the Beatles because he won a couple of Grammys. Keep your dated uniforms (sweet pant 'swoosh'), your quarterback,your coach, and keep trying to catch up to the Raiders for number of championships. In the meantime, kiss the rings, and kiss my...