NFL week 7 Picks

I'm back and I slacked this week.

Last Week: 8-6
All Time: 42-45... getting warmer

San Diego Chargers (-5) over KANSAS SHITTY

A hope?.... A chance... for my fantasy team and everyone else who drafted LaDainian Tomlinson to get back in the hunt. Sure he didn't find pay-dirt, sure there were about four to fourteen instances where the initials would have broken one more tackle or made one more cut to pull off a twenty yard run in his prime last week against the Broncos, but at least he made it through the game without getting hurt. It's sad that it's come to this. That 100 total yards from Tomlinson (no longer LT) against the magically swarming Donkey defense is the best in recent memory.

I find myself continuing to cheer on the unlikely comeback not only for my own personal gain, though it's a large part of it, but solely for the fact that this was one of the best runningbacks I've ever watched in my young life. It's the same feeling I have for Allen Iverson and Eddie Vedder. We all find ourselves growing up and remembering the athletes or people that shaped our formative years, and all of a sudden they kinda suck. I miss the days of what LT once was; a dominant running, receiving, and throwing triple threat that forced every team to unsuccessfully game plan for him week after week. It's depressing that you still hear clips of Tomlinson interviews alerting people he'll be back, when all I'm looking for is a little second half taste of somethin'. It's more than clear we will never see the ankle breaking jukes, halfback passes, or my favorite stiff arm of all time, ever again. They will be missed. RIP LT. Helluva career.

Indianapolis Colts (-13.5) over ST. LOUIS RAMS

Talk about underestimation. Call me crazy but I thought the continued loss of vets on the defense, a new coach, and new receivers would make the Colts struggle. But I forgot that Peyton Manning is the real coach of the team. So the politically incorrect question remains... did the Reverend Tony Dungy really become the first African American head coach to win the Super Bowl?

Minnesota Vikings (+5) cover PITTSBURGH STEELERS

I went back to basics last week. The spread was (+14) to the insufferable Brownies last week. And what does Steel Town cover by? .... 13. Look I don't know if there the Rooney's as an American institution have ties to the mob, or whether the pull with the new president has influence over Vegas odds. But the Pittsburgh Steelers do not cover a spread. They just don't. And we all just need to grin and bear, that while the Big Ben and co. will probably win 11 games against the NFL this year, they will win 2 or 3 games against the spread. Steelers by 3.

Green Bay Packers (-7) over CLEVELAND BROWNIES

Is Green Bay's offensive line offensive enough to allow 5 more sacks to the browns? It's the only thing interesting about this game.

New England Patriots (-15) over TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS

People were doubting the Pats at the beginning of the season. The first month of the NFL has been completely upside down. Slowly we are starting to return to normalcy. I still maintain that the Pats half-assed the game against the Broncos. It's painfully obvious that the Pats will wrap up the division, the Bengals and the Jets are pretenders. And the Tampa Bay Bucs suck again.

HOUSTON TEXANS (-3) over San Francisco 49ers

The Houston Texans act is getting tired. Either be a legitimate contender in the AFC like you should be, or don't. Same old Texans drop this game at home, while an actual playoff team HAS to win this game.

Was watching King of the Hill the other day (underrated show), when all of a sudden Hank Hill was wearing a Houston Texans hat and talking about wanting to watch Texans training camp. Have the Cowboys really fallen that far out of cultural relevance that a fictional resident of Arlington Texas has shifted his historical allegiance to the Houston Texans? Did Gary Kubiak make an appearance on the show I should be aware of? I almost puked. If anyone knows that storyline justifying this shift I would love to hear it. And don't tell me it's because the Cowboys suck. I mean Bobby Hill attends a school named after Tom Landry for Pete's sake.

JOAKLAND RAIDERS (+6.5) cover New York Football Jets

Typical mid-season Eagles brain fart somehow leads to a Raiders turnaround and Richard Seymour calling a playoff berth. This of course would mean they get a wild card berth or come back to take down the Broncos. Either way, I'm down with Joakland this year. Finally Raider fan has someone to relate to in the near-convict Tom Cable. Jamarcus Russell is probably only smoking weed three times a week in stead of seven. Let's get those eight wins Al, you've got the speed.

CAROLINA PANTHERS (-7) cover Buffalo Bills

This is the kind of game that makes a 300 dollar payment for the NFL season ticket from Direct TV worthwhile. boink.

Chicago Bears (+1) over THE NATI BENGALS

Will Jay Cutler ever have a running game or defense? Here comes bronco fan piling on saying somehow Cutler is responsible for Matt Forte's sophomore slump and the Urlacher's injury. The real question is, how many people in the Denver Metro area are busting out the Depends adult diaper, pacifier, and a number 6 Bronco jersey and being "Jay Cutler" this "slut day".... I mean, Halloween.

I don't know how to honestly feel about the 18-25 year old female's take on the day of the dead. Whether you're supposed to be a cop, boy scout, french maid, firefighter, or any otherwise respectable profession. In all actuality, you're not any of these things, you're a prostitute. Just tell everyone you're being a prostitute for the day of the dead. At the same time, I'm a red-blooded male. Aside from the fat friend that should be dressed as the fire hydrant instead of the fire fighter, how can I not enjoy this? At the same time, are you dressing like this for men or yourself? What am I supposed to think and look at when all I can see is an interpretation of a service profession with a pushup bra and fish nets? From my experience this isn't an especially promiscuous holiday so much as a giant tease. I guess I should just chalk it up to the unnecessary complexity of the female psyche. All females should think about this next time they are in an argument with their boyfriends about who is being irrational.

New Orleans Saints (-6.5) over MIAMI DOLPHINS

For Koji. What happens when I bet against the Dolphins? They win.... Even though New Orleans is the best team in the league.

Hotlanta Falcons (+4) cover DALLAS COWBOYS

What an opportune time time fire Wade Phillips over the bye week and give Jason Garrett a chance as a head coach. It's clear Jerry Jones is too scared to make any moves this season at all. So Cowboy fan is stuck with "spray-on black guy" Miles Austin as an offensive "weapon," Tony Romo childlike decision making, and Wade Phillips' shit kickin' defense.

On the plus side, Sam Bradford's shoulder got hurt again and he is out for the season. Hopefully, this drops him in the draft allowing the Dallas Cowboys to be well postitioned to get an incredible steal. Whatever happens, Tebow or Bradford may be on the board when the Cowboys draft next year. I'm livin' on a prayer.


NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS (-7) cover Arizona Cardinals

Brandon Jacobs is a puss. I counted at least five times Jacobs ran the ball out of bounds instead of delivering punishment at the end of a run. This just in, you're 6'5" 280, play like it. Instead, just like any other New York Giant, he cares much more about running his mouth about how the Cowboys suck, or the Raider game was a scrimmage. Strap up the pads and play posers. How bout this smack talk. Justin Tuck, your Subway commercials sicken me and you were out two weeks by way of a trip and fall I experience daily whenever I walk across a rogue piece of elevated concrete. Adaleus Thomas, you're defense just got worked for half a century's worth of points, stop talking about the Raiders. Tiki Barber, can you get any more homosexual without just coming out. Strahan, your TV show is pathetic and your presence with the Fox pregame show makes the desk look cramped and uncomfortable.


Philthadelphia Eagles (-7) over WASHINGTON REDSKINS

Dan Snyder just can't take Old Yeller out back and put him down. Why? Because none of the big name coaches want to take over a team midseason when it's clear they need a complete team overhaul. Needless to say, the "that battle between the Pawnee and Sioux in the movie Dances With Wolves Bowl." Lived up to it's expectations. Philly needs to destroy the native americans to prove the NFC East isn't an overweight sack of crap of a division, even if Andy Reid and Wade Phillips coach in it.

The Bye Week (-3) over DENVER BRONCOS


"how we makin' money on the Buffs this week" pick: K-State (-4.5)
"how we makin' money on the Buffs this week" pick record: 1-0

Last Week's Comments:

From Randy 'Big Ran" Williams: "Glad you realized how badass the fist pump lap of victory was. That was the absolute turning point for me in regards to Big Mac. He now has my unconditional loyalty.

You the man Big Mac. Keep on rollin

$8 on the Buffs to cover this week. Not as easy a call as +33 on UT...but I think we got this. Let's go Buffs!"

I hate to admit it more than anyone. But the fist pump was indeed badass. The thing about it is that you could tell it was real. No one believed in this guy, no one. Every fist pump was really a middle finger to the packed Invesco Stadium at Mile High. Everything is working right now. Which drives me back to my Bronco take which is this; Every Bronco fan is bitter about the Broncos not getting any respect. The thing is, you really don't want to lose that dynamic from your football team. This is the danger of the bye week. Momentum is potentially killed, you want to be underdogs against the Ravens coming out of the bye. Fact is, B-marsh has all but wrapped up a new contract, the Broncos have all but wrapped up a trip to the playoffs, now how are they going to act? You want the naysayers because you want the motivation. That's all I'm sayin.

Who bets 8 dollars?

From Greg 'gel' Mengel: "Solid movie references. About twice as solid, in fact, as your picks.

"That battle between the Sioux and the Pawnee in that movie Dances with Wolves... bowl."

...I love it."

Get off my picks man. Almost hit a nine team parlay last week that would have turned a 10 dollar bet into a 1500 payday. This weeks nine team progressive parlay: Chargers, Packers, Pats, Texans, Bears, Giants, Panthers, Colts, Raiders