New Moon Rising.

Chicks. Who get's em?

If you haven't heard from every female's facebook status, MTV, or pretty much every news outlet that is already showing the lines of girls ages one to one hundred lining outside local movie theaters... an installment of the Twilight series "New Moon" drops at midnight tonight. song.

Temporarily forget the fact that this is another contraption contrived by the female psyche to further increase the unattainable expectations placed on men in society.... now I have to be a vampire too? I think the reaction to this movie or book, or both, provides us (those with hang-downs) a revelation into that that is girl. It's safe to say that we (those with balls) will never understand the opposite gender, but every theory is worth at very least discussing.

Thesis: The connection between girl and "x" is viewed by girl as a dating relationship.

Consider the girls you know. How many of them have had their other girl-friends (not that kind stay focused) over a long period of time? If anything, isn't it on-again-off-again at best? Put anything in "x" in the thesis and see if it works.

The connection between girl and "ice cream" is viewed by girl as a dating relationship. Sounds about right. Ice cream is the "rebound guy" that after a while "isn't good for them" and shortly dumped thereafter.

The connection between girl and "purse" is viewed by girl as a dating relationship. Check. As I watch my beloved females dig through keys, lip gloss, bananas, pockets, receipts, basic first aid, in their purse I can't help but think those things are anything but functional. And neither are we (those with a scrotum). How many times have you heard them say "god I hate this thing" as you wait for a quarter, only to see it dumped for a better looking, less functional one later.

The connection between girl and "girl" is viewed by girl as a dating relationship. And by societal rules, you can only date one girl at a time. It's why girls hate other girls. They're jealous, spiteful, or disinterested in them. This is why the glass ceiling is taking so long to break down. It's like the tribes of the Native Americans. If they could have just united against the white man maybe meth addiction wouldn't be such a problem in the reservation communities. Hell.. maybe I would be living on a reservation. Instead, the Iroquois allied with the English, and the Huron allied with the French.

Likewise, just when you think they are all united behind Twilight, they remain divided between team Edward and team Jacob. The thing with relationships is that I don't get them, and therefore I don't get them. The thesis is beautifully cyclical. I duno. I don't get it. And I never will. But boy do I love them and their boobs.

(apologies to the ladies out there.. only joking...I love you all... I'm just not Edward Cullen-oscopy)

Last week: 8-4
All time: 69-68... I'm back above five hundo bitches


Miami Dolphins (+3) over CAROLINA PANTHERS

It's no secret I don't like Lebron James. (see here... and here) I think the overriding aspect of what I don't like about him is that primarily, he is "mainstream." It's why I prefer Carmelo Anthony over Lebron James and Dwayne Wade. It's why I prefer Jay Cutler to Tony Romo. It's why I prefer the deceased Kurt Cobain to the living Eddie Vedder. SI.com to ESPN.com. Vh1 classic to Vh1. Paint drying to MTV.

Fundamentally everything that is "mainstream" anymore seems to me is just really a facade for "all about the money," isn't it? Call me an idealist but I prefer the people that "stick to their guns" so to speak, rather than selling themselves out to what everyone wants them to be. Look, if you are what everyone wants you to be then it's no secret you'll be making the most money. That's just simple supply and demand. But that's why Kurt Cobain ate a shotgun like a bowl of Peanut Butter Captain Crunch (it cuts the roof of your mouth). He saw his music becoming part of the "machine" of what "everyone wanted." And it literally killed him. Yeah, he took it a little far I guess, but at least he stood for something. Eddie Vedder used to brilliantly portray the teenage angst and flip off "the man," now he's on Target commercials. Likewise it brings me back to Lebron James. Lebron could be remembered for one of two things. First, be the first billion dollar athlete, or second, rescue the lives of a couple million Cleveland sports fans who with the Browns, Indians, and and Lebron-less Cavaliers, would otherwise have nothing to cheer for for another 30 years. Money vs. Meaning. I just think the latter is far cooler.

I guess what I'm really trying to get at is that Ricky Williams is one of my favorite athletes of all time, and he gets no love.

People talk about Tim Tebow as the greatest college football player of all time. Did you know Ricky Williams holds or shares 20 NCAA records? This man broke Tony Doresett's previous 22 year long career rushing record in college, even though it was out-done the next year by Ron Dayne. The man won a Heisman. Drafted fifth overall by the New Orleans Saints he appeared in a wedding dress on the cover of ESPN the magazine.

Oh yeah.... this guy was also drafted by the Phillies out of High Shcool!

After the 'Aints sucked, Ricky was traded to the Miami Dolphins. There, he became the NFL's leading rusher (1853 yards in one season).... And then the marijuana stories kicked in. Now, it is of the opinion of this column that Ricky was unfairly targeted for being a little "different," he often did interviews with his helmet on, and was often shy and curt with the media. Ricky Williams would fail four drug tests for testing positive for the ganja, leading to his retirement, and one year suspension from the NFL.

During his retirement, Ricky studied Ayurveda, an ancient holistic Indian medicine, supposedly contributing to his fourth failed drug test. You know?... It's just Ricky doing his thing. I don't think marijuana has ever been labeled a performance enhancer (though my golf game, financial analysis, and comedic timing might tell you otherwise... even if it is in my own mind). But regardless, Ricky has been labeled a no good hippie washed up football player ever since.

Now he's back.Last year, and for the first half of this season, he has been the second head of a double craniumed monster rushing attach that NFL teams have had to grudgingly game plan for week in and week out. Now, Ronnie Brown is out for the season, and the holistic healer finds himself the feature back. A final hurrah for Ricky to show everyone he ain't done. All I'm tryin' to say is... go Ricky.. I dedicate thursday's bowl to you. (and carry my fantasy team to glory) 

DETROIT LIONS (-3.5) over Cleveland Browns

A question, what are the odds the Browns fire Mangini and hire their third Bill Belichik assistant with a thyroid glandular problem Charlie Weiss? A note about Charlie Weiss, one coach has led one of the all time great college football programs to a 35-25 record, one coach has led an all time great college football program to a 13-24 record... Which one is for sure getting fired?... That would be Charlie Weiss.

In recent reading, I'm more confident than ever that Hawk love will be taking his program sodomization out of Boulder, but still, the fact that it is still "up in the air" is questionable at best.

And as for Lebron talking about playing for the Browns... shut the fuck up Glen Davis.


Buffalo Bills (+8.5) cover JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS

If no one even goes to watch this game, do the Jags really have a home-field advantage?

Shanahan agreeing to coach the Bills may be like settling for the cool chick, instead of waiting for the knockout to inevitably break up with her boyfriend. The thing about it, the cool chick has a great personality that you get along great with. It has the potential to turn into a long lasting and productive relationship. Sure the knockout is well, a knockout... but chances are she'll probably just move on to someone else when she gets bored with you. Teams like the Cowboys and the Redskins are like those knockouts, sure there may be some early success, the talent is there, potential for some championships, and lots of awesome sex. But the knockout isn't going to let you take your time, build to something long term that could be great like the cool chick. The Bills are the cool chick with personality talent like Lee Evans, Marshawn Lynch, and Fred Jackson. So the question is, is Shanahan looking for meaning, or is he more interested in seeing a hot body naked?


KANSAS SHITTY CHIEFS (+10) cover Pittsburgh Steelers

Steelers and big spreads, on the road, what do you know about it? It's the one sure fire bet I can take every week.

My homeboy Jerry Pie would tell you Polamalu is falling victim to the "Madden Curse." But that doesn't explain Larry Fitzgerald's lack of injury (jynx!). So naturally, it's clearly the Head and Shoulders commercials that are obviously weakening Hair Polamalu's knees.

The bigger problems really are that, thhat Hair-four defense needs to step up.

The Hair-fensive line can't protect the quarterback.

And most importantly, the super bowl Hair-v-p, hair-tonio Holmes can't find the endzone.


BALTIMORE RAVENS (+1) over Indianapolis Colts

B-more, I'm begging you. Beat these chumps from Indianapolis. Watch this game and tell me how many times they show head coach Jim Caldwell moving his mouth, or any part of his face for that matter. You're expecting me to believe this guy is coaching the team? I refuse to believe Peyton Manning can coach and quarterback a team to the Super Bowl.... I REFUSE IT!

NEW YORK GIANTS (-6.5) over Atlanta Falcons

The laws of the NFC East will not allow the Cowboys or Eagles to pull away with the division. Therefore... Giants win. 


San Francisco 49ers (+6.5) cover GREEN BAY PACKERS

Patrick Willis is the new best Middle Linebacker in the league. If you don't believe me. Just look at him. Reminiscent of the Predator that takes on Arnold Schwarzenegger, a challenge not easily taken, and almost beats him, instead resorting to the tactical nuke after death. (still doesn't kill Awnold) 

MINNESOTA VIKINGS (-10.5) over Seattle Seahawks

Oh great, Brett Farve is looking to come back for another year. Brad Childress opened the mummy's tomb hence resurrecting a vengeful, ancient, quarterback and releasing an unstoppable curse upon the earth. Someone call Brenden Frazier. 

Washington Redskins against the DALLAS COWBOYS (-11)

Never bet on a Cowboys-Redskins game. Never. The only thing more embarrassing than my overall picks record, is my overall record picking my favorite team the Dallas Cowboys. I don't know if I'm blinded by my love of the franchise, or Tony Romo and the rest of the Cowboys are simply too unpredictable, but I can't figure them out at all.

Therefore, and for the sake of my pride and laws of jynxing, I am abstaining from picking any 'Boys games for the rest of the season. I have been treated so unpredictably by my team, that I can't put any kind of emotional weight on any game because it just makes the highs and lows too much to bear. It's suffice to say that from now on, Cowboy fan should not expect anything. If we win we win, if we lose we lose. Until there is an appearance in another Super Bowl, any expectations placed on this team will only lead to a broken heart, and most likely mental institution. Go Cowboys.


New Orleans Saints (-11) over TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS

Drew Brees and the Saints are due for a blowout.

Arizona Cardinals (-9) over ST LOUIS RAMS

Start respecting the Cardinals.


New England Patriots (-10.5) over NEW YORK JETS

Did you know Bill Belichik went for it on 4th and 2 from inside his own 30 yard line? Brett Favre thinks this amount of coverage is ridiculous. (not once have I spelled that word correctly the first time)

Tack on Rex Ryan to the list of people I wish would catch the 3:10 to Yuma in the face. If your keeping track the list so far is 1. Lebron James 2. Glen Davis 3. Rex Ryan. This guy's act is officially weaker than the flavor of Vitamin Water. (South Park shout out)

First we had the shit talking which was mildly humorous to a certain extent when he was backing it up with wins. Now, the Jets are 4-5 and instead of making being able to motivate his team and pulling them together, he's turned into a blubbering, fat, beached whale. Is it coincidence that two out of my oncoming train list are now known nationally to have cried in front of other grown men without winning a championship? It absolutely is not. Is it coincidence that two out of the three are overweight? It absolutely is not. Is it coincidence that all three carry themselves with a undeserved sense of accomplishment? It absolutely is not.

JOAKLAND RAIDERS (+9.5) cover Cincinnati Bengals

What do you think the final straw was for benching Jamarcus Russel. Really? It took ten weeks to figure out Jamarcus Russel couldn't even see time at the University of Colorado? This reminds me of this press conference of Al Davis firing Lane Kiffin. Is this the greatest press conference of all time? I'm not sure. It's certainly an epic. We are talking a bonafide five act Shakespearean tragedy including a letter presumably written on the john five minutes before Al went on camera. (minute 7:20)  

Oh, so that's why Jamarcus Russel was starting. Nothing exemplifies the state of a once great football organization like this video clip. It's absolutely beautiful. Really nothing short of poetry. It's hard to hate the Raiders when the "rainman" is running the team.

By the way, no one can see the letter Al... people are just trying to get the hell out of there. People get volunteer hours for listening to old people ramble at nursing homes all the time. Focus that 1986 projector for God's sake. Oh yeah, and nice desk lamp...who said senior citizens can't hang with the young folk.


Philadelphia Eagles (-3) over CHICAGO BEARS

Best Onion headline of all time: "Lovie Smith becomes first African-American coach to lose the Super Bowl"

Just run the damn ball in the redzone.

Tennessee Titans (+4.5) over HOUSTON TEXANS

I just can't ever bet against a team with Chris Johnson on it. No matter how far behind the Titans get, they are one to three draw plays away from tying or winning the game. I'm not completely sure you can even say that about Adrian Peterson. I'm just psyched about my new favorite runningback.

San Diego Chargers (-2.5) over DENVER BRONCOS

Whoops! Becca thanks for keeping me honest, I can't believe I missed this one... but you had to know who I was picking....

How badass is Josh McDaniels' fist pump around Invesco Field at Mile High now? Look I don't want to say I told you so.... but damnit I told you so. Just call me Nostradamus coming out of the Broncos bye week. The Broncos have returned to their talent level. The funniest thing about the Broncos 6-0 start was their "revamped defense." Whenever one of my Bronco fan friends gave me this gem, my response was always the same. "Really? name your starting defensive line and linebackers." Instantaneously the look of cockiness and glee was wiped from their face as they tried to name someone beside Elvis Dumervil and DJ Williams.

"Exactly" I would pompously reply.

The Broncos are a team of no names. Elvis Dumervil was averaging almost 2 sacks a game before the bye week.... he has about two in the last 3 games.

Yes, I underestimated the "everyone is against us" attitude the Donkeys were playing with in the beginning of the season. But the true test of good teams is how they can handle adversity. The Broncos D was supposedly the strength of the team. Bronco fan thought, well... even if teams figure out that all they have to do is sit on 15 yard slant and hook routes, at least our defense can step up and keep them in it. The problem is, the Broncos defense is remembering that it's the Broncos defense.

Maybe you have an excuse that the Broncs couldn't move the ball against the horrid Washington Redskins because the starting quarterback was out, you have no excuse for letting Jason Campbell and LeDell Betts to drive the ball up your untalented asses.

Uh oh!

"how we makin' money on the 'Buffs this week" pick: Buffs (+17.5)
"how we makin' money on the 'Buffs this week" record: 3-2

Special note on the Buffs. As we all patiently await another nationally televised beat down of our football program it's important to maintain some rooting interest in the University of Colorado athletic program. Screw football, I'm not talking about rooting for Tyler Hansen to keep it within 17.5 points, I'm talkin about CU basketball. The buffs are out to their first 3-0 start since 2001-2002... the year after that they went to the tournament. The Buffs actually have athletes. Gatorade's Mr. Basketball in the state of Missouri Alec Burks (yes he's black) plays for the buffs and is averaging near 20 points a game. Not to mention there is free stuff at every home game. The Buffs play Gonzaga at 1pm on ESPN2 in the Maui Invitational. Go Buffs. 

Comments, Criticisms, and Creole.

No comments or criticisms... so here's some creole! toot that horn Satchmo.