Selling Our Soul

Forever young. Undersized. Overhyped. Irrelevant.

Are these the modifiers I'm using to describe the University of Colorado's football program? Yes and no.

The football team is just the most public, tangible, representation of an athletic program-wide schmuck show. What's the only thing worse than University football? University basketball. University can't even buy a Ceal Barry. (took me five minutes to look up how to spell that)

With this kind of system-wide failure, no one should be spared criticism, or at very least a watchful eye. This problem may very well start at the very top. A someone who generates money, notoriety, and tradition to the University of Colorado.

Ralphie V. I'm lookin' at you.

1966-1978: "The Legend"

The father of a University freshman, generous John Lowery, donated a six month old buffalo calf from Sedgewick, Colorado. This young buffalo calf, at the time unaware of the tradition and history that she would bestow on a University (nor the body structure she would provide to this essay), was affectionately named "Raalph," after the sound the handlers made after they ran her. Look it up.

Shortly after Raalph began representing the University, it was discovered that she, was actually a she. Naturally the feminine modification of the human bodily function was applied. And Ralphie was born.

Notoriously wild, the handlers had to take her on morning runs roughly lasting two hours before gametime so she would remain calm. At the conclusion of such a run, the University's student section would erupt in the "Buffalo Stomp." The "Buffalo Stomp" has since been banned and nearly erased from the annals of time, but according to legend, was such an explosive force it caused physical damage to the stadium.

Head Coach Eddie Crowder was approached about the possibility of running Ralphie on the field before the homecoming game of 1967. Delighted by the idea, Ralphie ran in the University of Colorado-Oklahoma State game. (A 10-7 loss) The institution of the Ralphie Run has been a Colorado tradition ever since.

Along with gaining Boulder fame, Ralphie would capture the nation at the turn of the decade. In 1970, the world hung to every word on radio, TV, and newspapers regarding Ralphie's kidnapping by Air Force Academy cadets. The full extent of the horrors and rumored zoophilia forced upon Ralphie have never been released by the US government. Officials have since not been available for comment, and when contacted by FreeLance Word responded, "What buffalo?"

Alas this victim was not without controversy. In the subsequent year of her kidnapping, Ralphie was again thrust into the national spotlight with her 1971 election as Homecoming Queen, thus achieving the highest cross-species title since Caligula named his horse Incitatus to the Roman Senate.

Ralphie became ill and retired in 1978. Her name is immortal. Between military intrigue and fighting to break the cross-species glass cieling, Ralphie attended every home football game for 13 years. Her history would see 85 wins to 49 losses, including one Big Eight championship, and the beginning of a tradition.

1978-1987: "Moonshine"

It's hard to follow the legend, especially when someone changes your name. Nicknamed "Moon" which was short for Moonshine, a type of home-distilled alcohol, the buffalo did not experience the same winning flavor of  football as her predecessor. (40-71) Yet, she carried on the torch in a different way. One could make the argument that Moon instilled an alcoholic undertone to the University that has since remained with it, and always will.

Flawed by her widely speculated battle with alcoholism, she was tragically found in a Fraternity closet deceased and covered in racial, gender, and homophobic slurs in Sharpie marker following a 37-17 CU win over Stanford. The notorious partier brought the University into the famed era of "top-20 party school" rankings, and set up for the next decade of Colorado greatness.

1987-1997: "The Institution"

The unexpected yet anticipated death of Moon forced Ralphie III into action much earlier than expected. Already being groomed as the prototype Ralphie, and after only five weeks of training, the "prototype Ralphie" originally named "Tequila," made her debut in a 27-10 vic over Mizzou. One would be hard pressed to find a better pound for pound Ralphie. If Ralphie I was the trailblazing winner, and Ralphie II was the party, Ralphie III was the best of both worlds. Maintaining the rich alcoholic tradition, Ralphie was witness for 73 games in her tenure, including eight bowl games, the rise of the University of Colorado as a "party powerhouse," and a National Championship. The Buffs went 98-29 during Tequila's reign as Ralphie.

Leading the golden age of Buffalo football, Ralphie III once ripped free from her handlers at the '93 Fiesta Bowl roaming free for a time and rallying the charge. The most successful Ralphie in school history would pass in early 1998, and was forever remembered in State government. Shortly after her death, Colorado State Sentate passed State Resolution 98-10 which reads as follows:

WHEREAS, Ralphie III, the University of Colorado bison who for 12 years rumbled across Folsom Field to the cheers of thousands, has died; and
WHEREAS, Because of her advanced age, 13 ­year ­old Ralphie III was scheduled to retire after the upcoming football season, but instead the half-­ton bison died of natural causes recently at her home in Hudson, Colorado; and
WHEREAS, Ralphie III led the CU Buffaloes football team onto the field in 73 games at the start of both halves, including 62 times at Folsom Field in Boulder, 8 bowl games at locations throughout the country, and 3 games in Fort Collins; and
WHEREAS, Ralphie III traveled to Anaheim, California in 1990 for the Pigskin Classic, but Anaheim Stadium authorities would not let her run on the field, the only disappointing experience in her otherwise illustrious career; and
WHEREAS, While Ralphie III will be sadly missed, the legacy of the running of the bison will be carried on with the donation of Ralphie IV; now, therefore,
Be It Resolved by the Senate of the Sixty-­first General Assembly of the State of Colorado:
That the University of Colorado and fans alike have lost a most beloved mascot and are saddened by the occasion of Ralphie III's death.
Be It Further Resolved, That a copy of this resolution be sent to the University of Colorado's athletic department, President John Buechner, each member of the board of Regents of the University of Colorado, John Parker, the ranch owner who cared for Ralphie III, and the 14 University of Colorado students who are the bison handlers.

—CO SR 98-10

The institution of Ralphie in state law.

1998-2007 : "Kinda like Lance Armstrong"

The legend of Ralphie IV would begin shortly after "Rowdy's" birth. Born on media titan Ted Turner's "Flying D Ranch," (that's what she said?) she was separated from her mother at one month old. Unfortunately for Rowdy, neither her mother nor the ranch hands were the first to find her. Wandering aimlessly around the Flying D, calling her mother's name in the night, a dark figure appeared in the moonlight. Soon thereafter, Rowdy was found in the jaws of a coyote. Clinging and fighting to life, Rowdy was rushed to The Flying V medical center. Surviving the attack, Rowdy remained in a near vegetative state being bottle fed for much of her young life.

Fortunately for the University, Rowdy is a fighter, a survivor. At 1,300 lbs and capable of reaching speeds of 25 miles per hour, she became one of the biggest and fastest Ralphies ever to live.

Ralphie IV's "livestrong" victims of predatory carnivores awareness campaign (lawsuit still pending) generated income for the advancement and protection of future Ralphies. In November of 2002, Violet Stramburg, a 96 year old lifelong University football fan, donated her life savings of $40,730 to Ralphie, thereby insuring protection and care for all future buffaloes that would carry the name Ralphie, and screwing her living family out of those new matching Hyundai's they've been looking at.

Known for being temperamental, Ralphie IV took her last run on November 23, 2007 in the 65-51 win over Nebraska. The Buffs have not flirted with .500 or beaten Nebraska since.

The fightin' Rowdy Ralphie IV would retire with a Buffalo record of 70-60. Having the shortest tenure as Ralphie, it has been rumored Rowdy became unhappy with the direction the program was going, and was hence asked to resign. Currently living in Hendersen, Colorado, Rowdy still has yet to be reached for an opinion.

2007-present: "The Buffs suck"

Born in October 2006, Ralphie V, nicknamed "blackout," made her debut in 2008. Allegedly faster than previous Ralphie, she is in all reality undersized. Ralphie is listed at 450 lbs, and if you've see her in person, 450 lbs soaking wet and wearing lead shoes. At 3 years old, Ralphie V is still smaller than her predecessors and handlers will off-handedly admit she may not grow as big as they originally thought.

Isn't this where the University of Colorado's football program is at right now? We can't even get a big time Ralphie in the program.

What do we learn from each of the Ralphies? They all had a little personality that made them fit with the culture at CU. Ralphie I started a tradition. Ralphie II instilled alcohol into the culture. Ralphie III is just a winner. Ralphie IV was pissed off. Ralphie V is the representation of the University selling out.

In all seriousness Ralphie isn't the reason the University's revenue bearing athletics are in the dumper. Rather it's just a representation of why they are in the dumper.

University of Colorado Administration has been attempting to change the culture at CU for the last decade. After consistently being regarded as a party school, a couple of student-alcohol related deaths, and a sex scandal, it is no secret the University has sought to crack down. The Greek System is no longer acknowledged by the University (though are still subject to discipline somehow), Boulder PD loves giving MIP's almost more than parking tickets, and the Athletic Director brought in a "good guy" to put a good face on the athletic program.

The problem with this, is the attempt to change the culture and tradition that makes CU, CU. The problem with CU and Ralphie V, is that they have no personality anymore.

It's hard to take the sex out of Boulder when the people that live there are notoriously sexy. It's hard to take the party out of Boulder with a place as unique in its atmosphere as the Hill. It's hard for people to not smoke weed and go to class when it's a 65 degree cloudless day and one can gaze at the snow sprinkled flatirons.

It's time for Colorado administration to just embrace this already. Colorado is what it is. A place mainly upper-class kids attend to get an education as good as pretty much anywhere, but mainly to have a great time. The same things that attract the average English major, used to attract the big time Tailback or Defensive End. Dan Hawkins just doesn't fit.

Colorado students fundamentally don't care about the life philosophies, responsibility, and the family life. Colorado students are out to have a good time, and a good time isn't watching a bunch of "good eggs" getting the snot beat out of them by legitimate athletic programs, a good time is watching their team win. The football team's graduation rate is achieving the highest it has ever been, and its win rate is achieving the lowest it has ever been.

So here we are, watching the undersized, tamer, and more manageable Ralphie run across the football field leading a team of undersized, tamer, and more manageable athletes.

I shouldn't be able to have a puncher's chance of beating our starting quarterback and best receiver in a fight. But i do. I don't want players that are "great for the community," I want wins.

The Hawkins family just doesn't fit in here. Maybe the good guy attitude works when you're recruiting the Mormons at Boise State, it doesn't work when you're recruiting against Mac Brown, Bob Stoops, Bo Pelini, Mike Gundy, etc. etc. etc. in the Big XII. Dan Hawkins can't sell the University outside of a beautiful hike in Chautaqua Park. Cody Hawkins can't treat a recruit to a good time with a full solo cup of milk in his noodle arm.

Three out of the Five Ralphies are named in relation to alcohol. Now, CU has lost it's originality, resorting to stealing "blackout" from the Penn State "whiteout." Instead of chalking up alcohol related deaths to Darwinism, CU takes the responsibility. Instead of selling what makes CU different than any other school, CU sells the statistics that make it the same as every other school. Instead of recruiting real athletes, CU recruits a happy face.

Dan Hawkins can't win any games without Gary Barnett's players.

Anyone in any kind of relationship will tell you they were first attracted to their other by the looks, but stuck around for the personality. CU is losing theirs. No one represents the soul of the University of Colorado like the mighty buffalo Ralphie that runs across the field every gameday, and no one is trying to steal her, or elect her class president.

Piety is not CU. Sobriety is not CU. Dan Hawkins is not CU. The sooner everyone realizes it, and administration stops trying to sell the soul of the University, the sooner the University will be back in a national conversation. Go Buffs.

And then Darrell Scott left. 

We all had to see this coming. It's time for the student's to take a bit of a stand here. Do not show support for this joke of an athletic program. Do not go to the games. Find something better to do.