See chapters 1-2 here
3
Josh McDaniel Prepares the Way
1 It was that Josh McDaniels spoke in a contrarian form. The Broncos had missed the playoff under the rule of Mike Shanahan since 2005 2 While people across the football nation chastised him and his teachings, Denver followers came to him seeking baptism. 3. Josh said to the crowd: "Yes, we have the 2nd ranked offense in the league, but we are near the bottom in red-zone scoring! 4 Produce fruit in the red-zone, and do not begin to tell yourselves 'we just need to fix the defense' for I tell you out of this red zone scoring we can grow Lombardi trophies. 5 The ax is at the root of the trees, and all trees that do not produce fruit will be cut down and thrown into the fire!"
6 "What should we do then?" the crowd asked.
7 Josh answered, "Fix the offence, trade our problemed talent for draft picks and team players."
8 Even General Managers came to be baptised. "Teacher," they asked, "what should we do?"
9 "See if we can get Matt Cassel for Jay Cutler." he told them.
10 Then some agents asked him, "And what of our fan favorites Brandon Marshall and Peyton Hillis?"
11 He replied, "Trade them, for their personalities do not fit with the team and thier contracts are expensive."
12 The people were waiting expectantly and wondering if Josh McDaniels was possibly the Denver Football Messiah. 13 Josh answered them all "After this quarterback will come one more powerful than him, the laces of his boots I am not worthy to untie. 14 I baptize you with benchings, suspensions, and holdout penalties, but he will baptize you with the Holy Spirit." 15 And with many other words and actions Josh McDaniels exhorted the people and preached his good news to an 8-8 season in his first year.
The Selection of Tim Tebow
16 Then it came time for 2010 NFL Draft. 17 And Tim Tebow fell to the end of the first round to be selected by Josh McDaniels. 18 But Josh tried to deter the selection saying, "But you were the only college player to be selected the Heisman trophy winner as a sophomore and in the final Heisman grouping three years in a row! It is you that should be selecting me!"
19 Tim Tebow replied, "Let it be so now; it is proper for us to do this to fulfill all righteousness." Then Josh consented
20 As soon as Tebow was selected he received his call. He saw the spirit of the football god decend upon him. 21 and a voice from heaven saying "this is my son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased."
Josh McDaniels Beheaded
22 Josh McDaniels' assistant was caught taping 49ers practice, and he himself was caught covering up the scandal. The league fined him. 23 And he was held guilty in the court of public opinion.
24 Pat Bowlen heard this and said "I am not interested in making a change. 25 I'm very happy with Josh. Josh is doing a good job. I wish he had a few more wins, but we've got five games to go. 26I've got 27 years in this business. The ball bounces funny and it doesn't always bounce your way. 27We've had bad breaks, injuries. I've been around football long enough to know this happens and it's a part of the game. 28We've still got a chance to make the playoffs. People have been in a position like ours and it's been done before."
29 Nary a week later discontent among Pat Bowlen's customers increased. 30 The people claimed, "he is a sabateur from New England!" and "he has made a laughingstock of the Denver Bronco franchise!" 31Pat Bowlen himself had agreed with orders to fine Josh McDaniels. 32He did this for his general manager Brian Xanders, who himself held a grudge against Josh McDaniels and wanted to fire him. But he was not able to, because Pat Bowlen feared Josh, and considered him a young rising football genius.
33 Finally, the time came. The Denver Broncos were statistically elminated from the playoffs following a 10-6 loss in Arrowhead Stadium, the land of the Cheifs. 34It was Brian Xander's birthday November 30th and Pat Bowlen said to him, "Ask me anything you want, and it will be given to you." 35 And he promised him with an oath, "whatever you ask I will give you, up to half of my net-worth."
36 At once Brian Xanders answered "I want you right now to give me the head of Josh McDaniels on a silver platter."
37Pat Bowlen was greatly distressed. "Surely there is somethin else you want, a new car, a new house,... a hooker?"
38"No," Xanders replied, "nobody thinks I do anything but clean your poopy diapers because he gets to make all the personel decisions!"
39"But we tell everyone you hired him and are heavily involved in day-to-day operations vital to the success of the Broncos, I just told everyone we were sticking with him through 2011!" Bowlen answered
40"You gave me an oath, you will blame your previous statement in support of Josh on your dementia, and you will bring me his head," Xanders stated.
41Because of his oath, he did not want to refuse him. So on December 6th, Josh McDaniels was fired. His head brought before Xanders on a silver platter.
Sunday School
Historically, the JC and John the Baptist linked. Both had some divine intervention in their conception, both were radicals. J the B was seen early on by his followers as the coming of the Messiah, he always denied this; heralding the coming of Jesus, a man that was greater than him. The great irony of course, that the man that foretold and "warmed up the crowd" so to speak for Jesus, was not alive to see the fulfillmet of Jesus as... Jesus.
Likewise, Josh McDaniels will never get to see Tim Tebow become.. whatever he becomes. From a certain view, maybe John had to die for Jesus to become who he was. Josh McDaniels was always going to put his "system" over the players. After being mathmatically eliminated from the playoffs he still refused to change anything (insert Tebow).
In spite of the interesting roster moves, the quality of the system or in game coaching was rarely questioned with McD. I maintain the opinion that it was straight up bad business to fire McDaniels when the Broncos did. The Broncos will be paying THREE head coaches next season, the Broncos have played their entire season without '09 season sack-leader and best defensive player Elvis Dumerville (who McD extended his contract), and further, was never given the opportunity to play the ace in the hole whom he drafted.
Maybe Brian Xanders really did ask for Big Mac to get axed for his birthday present because, really, what does that guy do? Or maybe Pat Bowlen's documented dementia is getting worse and worse. Realistically whatever it was, it happened because the fans wanted it to happen. Instead of demanding Tim Tebow to start, fans demanded McDaniels to get fired. This is what would happen if the masses were allowed to run a team, this is why I don't vote.
Who among you wanted him fired when the Donkeys started out the '09 season 6-0? The masses are fickle, how soon they forget that Big Mac is only 36 years old, Belichick sucked his first and second head coaching jobs, and with a possible lockout coming the franchise will be burning millions on two ex-coaches with no heir-apparent like Leslie Frazier in Minnesota, or Jason Garrett in Dallas.
In the end, perhaps the development of Tebow depended on the exodus of McD. Whatever he does the rest of the season, one thing will be for certain, with the 3rd-6th overall pick in the draft, will the Broncos consider quarterback? They wouldn't have with Big Mac.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Dan Hawkins Brings out the Worst in Me
2006: I once turned down an invitiation to "watch the game" alone with a college coed cutie in her dorm room.
It was my sophomore year, it was against I-AA Montana State, it was the beginning of the Dan Hawkins era at the University of Colorado.
I remember staring at my sext message, beverage in one hand, phone in the other, weighing the options between a little college experimentation vs. the perceived first step in returning CU to its rightful place as a college football power. I'm not sure if it was my alcoholic golden-clad friends well in to three hours of drinking, or the dream of taking a picture next to the bronzed statue of Dan Hawkins with my grandkids as I recounted the first time a Hawk team took the field that motivated me to ditch whats-her-name. Regardless, I went to the game. And in the place of taking advantage of a rarely roommateless opportunity, I watched the 16th winningest college football program of all time lose to a team that's not allowed to go to a cereal bowl.
2007: I once slept in instead of watching CU take down #3 ranked Oklahoma at Folsom Field
Disinterested after a two-win season the previous year, and hung over after the rager the night prior, I remember staring at the ceiling, looking at the clock, and mumbling "fuck it" as I rolled onto my stomach to pass back out. It wasn't that I didn't care about the Buffs. It was that 50% of my friends didn't care about the Buffs. It was too hot. It was the thought of throwing up all over the people in front of me. It was the expectation that it all wasn't worth it to watch the Buffs get bent over by 40.
Ergo, instead of being half-baked and partying like it was 1990 as Buffs faithful stormed Folsom after holding Sam Bradford to 112 total yards and 2 ints, I was half-naked and on my way to the kitchen to get me some Cheez-Its as the roar of celebration erupted from my boob tube.
2008: I bought my Dad tickets to watch the 3-1 Buffs take on #5 Texas as a birthday gift.
What better a gift to celebrate the birth of my father than to carry on the tradition of father-son sporting event bonding at the school of which he sends said son and tuition money. Sorry Pops, the tuition expense that increases by 15-25% a year does not contribute to the progression of the football program, nor does it decrease the boredom in watching another father-son relationship go 13 for 33 in passing and a 33-14 loss. A real testament to the relationship Hawkins boys.
Thus, instead of sharing in one of those lifetime movie unforgettable father-son moments, we find ourselves discussing the systematic dismembering of a once great football program, defending the academic integrity of the institution, explaining that I don't do drugs, and coming to an understanding that.. if I ever played that bad, blood related or not, the father-son relationship would not stand in the way of a firm and permanent benching.
2009: I dumped my drunk and concussed friend on a couch to go watch the CU/CSU game at Folsom Field
Dan Hawkins and a number of Buffs players had been calling for a 10 win season throughout the summer. Unable to find a sponsor like ... Cinch Jeans???(this year's sponsor)... the Rocky Mountain Showdown was for one year moved to Folsom Field (it's not our fault Sonny Lubick feild at Heinz Stadium divided by pi, squared only holds 20K CSU). It was against Colorado's Second University. It was the perfect storm for a blowout to start off a return to greatness.
I remember drinking the last of a litre of Jack Daniels as my group of inebriated and hyped on overhype Buff fans began leave for the stadium. Sure enough, in all the pregame partying one friend forgot his ticket in his car. Not being too far from the parking spot, the group encouraged him to go run and get it. And run he did.
His take off; slow. His balance; wobbly. His path; definitely not straight. There was no doubt how this would end and how funny it was at the time. The only question was, would he make it 30 feet or 25. As the top half of his body started moving faster than the bottom half, it was clear it would be much shorter than that. Sure enough, 15 feet after he began his quest for ticket, he did his best meteor impression and headplanted into the concrete. Drunk, and now concussed, he tried to stablize himself on a parked car, only to fall over standing up again and again.
So, instead of doing my friendly due diligence, ditching a Dan Hawkins coached Colorado team, and taking my friend to some kind of medical service, it is decided to take him back to the house and lay him on a couch. Dan Hawkins' false promises motivated me to do the selfish thing.. and I was rewarded by watching 300 CSU fans STORMING FOLSOM FIELD.
2010: After uncomfortably and repeatedly challenging my loyalty and fanship to the point of maddness, I pop some PCP and murder the Hawkins family in cold blood for the good of the program.
Of course I would never do this... cough cough.. but Dan Hawkins' repeated abuse of my alma-mater's fanship can't go without at least observation.
I present to you the upcoming "blackout" game this Saturday against SEC's Georgia Bulldogs. Close your eyes right now and guess who has the better record. .... Buffs....1-3 Bulldogs vs 2-1 Buffs. As the fan of the Colorado Buffaloes... am I allowed to root for them to lose?
In four years Dan Hawkins has made choose Montana State over a piece of Minnesota's ass, sloth over top 10 upset, blowout over playing catch with Pops, and myself over the need of a friend. Regret, thy name is Dan Hawkins. So what if the Buffs lose... every loss hastens the process of getting him fired. Another under-performing, penalty ridden performance cannot help but make more obvious how poorly coached, and poorly recruited these 4 years of Buffaloes are. What is my motivation for rooting for mediocrity? Even when I try to gamble on the Buffs... they do the exact opposite of what I think they are going to do. Meanwhile the coach asks for a contract extension.
See? Dan Hawkins made me look like I'm some band-wagoning, on-again off-again, closet-Colorado graduate. Hell no. Look, there is no excuse for this football team. But at the end of the day, it's not Tyler Hansen's fault that he sucks. Its not Ryan Miller and Nate Soldiers fault they are under-prepared after going against intramural athletes all off-season. It's not their fault any of them were recruited to come here! It all comes back to Dan. They still chose to come to CU despite Dan Hawkins... more power to them. So I guess I'll make another decision I'll regret at the Buffs expense. Because for some reason I have to.
At least we can watch Mark Richt do to Georgia, what our beloved has done to us.
Fuck Dan Hawkins. Go Buffs.
It was my sophomore year, it was against I-AA Montana State, it was the beginning of the Dan Hawkins era at the University of Colorado.
I remember staring at my sext message, beverage in one hand, phone in the other, weighing the options between a little college experimentation vs. the perceived first step in returning CU to its rightful place as a college football power. I'm not sure if it was my alcoholic golden-clad friends well in to three hours of drinking, or the dream of taking a picture next to the bronzed statue of Dan Hawkins with my grandkids as I recounted the first time a Hawk team took the field that motivated me to ditch whats-her-name. Regardless, I went to the game. And in the place of taking advantage of a rarely roommateless opportunity, I watched the 16th winningest college football program of all time lose to a team that's not allowed to go to a cereal bowl.
2007: I once slept in instead of watching CU take down #3 ranked Oklahoma at Folsom Field
Disinterested after a two-win season the previous year, and hung over after the rager the night prior, I remember staring at the ceiling, looking at the clock, and mumbling "fuck it" as I rolled onto my stomach to pass back out. It wasn't that I didn't care about the Buffs. It was that 50% of my friends didn't care about the Buffs. It was too hot. It was the thought of throwing up all over the people in front of me. It was the expectation that it all wasn't worth it to watch the Buffs get bent over by 40.
Ergo, instead of being half-baked and partying like it was 1990 as Buffs faithful stormed Folsom after holding Sam Bradford to 112 total yards and 2 ints, I was half-naked and on my way to the kitchen to get me some Cheez-Its as the roar of celebration erupted from my boob tube.
2008: I bought my Dad tickets to watch the 3-1 Buffs take on #5 Texas as a birthday gift.
What better a gift to celebrate the birth of my father than to carry on the tradition of father-son sporting event bonding at the school of which he sends said son and tuition money. Sorry Pops, the tuition expense that increases by 15-25% a year does not contribute to the progression of the football program, nor does it decrease the boredom in watching another father-son relationship go 13 for 33 in passing and a 33-14 loss. A real testament to the relationship Hawkins boys.
Thus, instead of sharing in one of those lifetime movie unforgettable father-son moments, we find ourselves discussing the systematic dismembering of a once great football program, defending the academic integrity of the institution, explaining that I don't do drugs, and coming to an understanding that.. if I ever played that bad, blood related or not, the father-son relationship would not stand in the way of a firm and permanent benching.
2009: I dumped my drunk and concussed friend on a couch to go watch the CU/CSU game at Folsom Field
Dan Hawkins and a number of Buffs players had been calling for a 10 win season throughout the summer. Unable to find a sponsor like ... Cinch Jeans???(this year's sponsor)... the Rocky Mountain Showdown was for one year moved to Folsom Field (it's not our fault Sonny Lubick feild at Heinz Stadium divided by pi, squared only holds 20K CSU). It was against Colorado's Second University. It was the perfect storm for a blowout to start off a return to greatness.
I remember drinking the last of a litre of Jack Daniels as my group of inebriated and hyped on overhype Buff fans began leave for the stadium. Sure enough, in all the pregame partying one friend forgot his ticket in his car. Not being too far from the parking spot, the group encouraged him to go run and get it. And run he did.
His take off; slow. His balance; wobbly. His path; definitely not straight. There was no doubt how this would end and how funny it was at the time. The only question was, would he make it 30 feet or 25. As the top half of his body started moving faster than the bottom half, it was clear it would be much shorter than that. Sure enough, 15 feet after he began his quest for ticket, he did his best meteor impression and headplanted into the concrete. Drunk, and now concussed, he tried to stablize himself on a parked car, only to fall over standing up again and again.
So, instead of doing my friendly due diligence, ditching a Dan Hawkins coached Colorado team, and taking my friend to some kind of medical service, it is decided to take him back to the house and lay him on a couch. Dan Hawkins' false promises motivated me to do the selfish thing.. and I was rewarded by watching 300 CSU fans STORMING FOLSOM FIELD.
2010: After uncomfortably and repeatedly challenging my loyalty and fanship to the point of maddness, I pop some PCP and murder the Hawkins family in cold blood for the good of the program.
Of course I would never do this... cough cough.. but Dan Hawkins' repeated abuse of my alma-mater's fanship can't go without at least observation.
I present to you the upcoming "blackout" game this Saturday against SEC's Georgia Bulldogs. Close your eyes right now and guess who has the better record. .... Buffs....1-3 Bulldogs vs 2-1 Buffs. As the fan of the Colorado Buffaloes... am I allowed to root for them to lose?
In four years Dan Hawkins has made choose Montana State over a piece of Minnesota's ass, sloth over top 10 upset, blowout over playing catch with Pops, and myself over the need of a friend. Regret, thy name is Dan Hawkins. So what if the Buffs lose... every loss hastens the process of getting him fired. Another under-performing, penalty ridden performance cannot help but make more obvious how poorly coached, and poorly recruited these 4 years of Buffaloes are. What is my motivation for rooting for mediocrity? Even when I try to gamble on the Buffs... they do the exact opposite of what I think they are going to do. Meanwhile the coach asks for a contract extension.
See? Dan Hawkins made me look like I'm some band-wagoning, on-again off-again, closet-Colorado graduate. Hell no. Look, there is no excuse for this football team. But at the end of the day, it's not Tyler Hansen's fault that he sucks. Its not Ryan Miller and Nate Soldiers fault they are under-prepared after going against intramural athletes all off-season. It's not their fault any of them were recruited to come here! It all comes back to Dan. They still chose to come to CU despite Dan Hawkins... more power to them. So I guess I'll make another decision I'll regret at the Buffs expense. Because for some reason I have to.
At least we can watch Mark Richt do to Georgia, what our beloved has done to us.
Fuck Dan Hawkins. Go Buffs.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
the jersey shore
The Jersey Shore has captured the interest of the nation. As a man who has taken a firm stance against reality TV it's shocking that so too, have I been sucked in to the JS black hole vortex.
I thought about it as I watched the last episode about as under the influence as a usual Monday night with the cast... ya know.. if someone called me who had never watched the shore or any TV for that matter, would I be able to explain an episode without losing my audience? I mean... nothing ever REALLY happens. Yet here I am... watching.
So, inebriated as I was... I thought it would be a good idea to recap the 2nd episode of the Jersey Shore: Miami Beach.
A couple things to note, I have decided Ronnie shall be called "Ron-dog." The Situation might be one of the greatest TV characters of all time. I can't believe I did this.
GTL baby... lets' go.
So we jump in around minute 12.
Basically all that has happened is that Sammi has "come at" Ron-dog (Ronnie) for seeing an ex-girlfreinds name in the call log?... at least that's what I'm guessing as my DVR didn't start recording until now.
Flash to to Pauley D and Vin talking about whether you can eat something off the floor if you cook it.
... aaaand then it's back to Ronnie talking to J-wow about Sami.
The episode seems like it is off to a bit of a slow start, luckily... Situation wants to order some food, and the following interchange transpires:
(restaurant worker) "ok... the name?"
(The sitch).. "Situation."
(rw) "... the name?!?"
(the sitch) "yes, that's right.. Situation. Capital S.. I.... T...U..."
And an awkward pause where Situation waits for the restaurant worker making 7.50 an hour to spell the rest of "ation". Now, when expectantly the dude doen't give the happy ending to Situation's train of thought... a slight sense of panic breaks into his face. This might be the most nervous we see Situation for the rest of the season. "wait.. how the fuck do you spell "situation?"After a hesitant light bulb moment, situation continues with the "A.. T.. ION" The rest of the order is placed, both ends of the phone laugh, and the sitch is still the man for another day.
Hey, apparently you can see J-wow through the shower door naked. Nice.
In another edition of character development: Everytime someone calls the house, it's for Angelina. Let's say as of now, the reasons Angelina IS a bitch is:
1. Hogs the phone all day.
Situation answers the phone: "Situation speaking."
Now, this is really symbolic of Angelina's personality in the house. Instead of forcing interaction with her castmates, she removes herself from the population, further isolating her from the group. Of course no one yet has griped about Snooki hogging all the food.
If you didn't know, Snooki likes pickles. Phallic reference?
Finally we are starting to unwrap the onion-like layers as to why the girls hate Angelina so much. Snooki learns that Angelina called Snooks boyfriend a "f***** m******". At least thats how it's shown on TV. What did she call him, a "fucking meathead?" Is Meathead a racial slur? Am I too prude to know what other word is being used? Is Snooks boyfriend not... a meathead? What's the meaning of life? Whatever... add it to the list.
Reasons Angelina IS a bitch:
1. Hogs the phone all day.
2. Called Snooki's boyfriend a defamatory starting with an "m"
Scene ends with a confrontation between a drunk Snooki wearing sequin shades and a prostrate Angelina drinking a marg. As Angelina explains how Snooki "doesn't even know her" we discover Snooki "doesn't want to know her.
... aaaand cut! commercial break.
Back from break we are right back in the thick of the "battle of tuesday night patio session." Snooki pulled a sneak attack on Angelina's HQ. Angelina has stifled the attack with a continuous string of denials... and then the big dawg walks in.
J-wow enters like a 5 time WWE heavyweight champ. She might as well be walking in the room to the NWO Wolfpack theme. It is determined that J-wow is going to beat that bitch. And everyone in the house believes it.
The phone keeps ringing and it is the first time I realize it is not the duck phone from season 1... oh yeah and the phone is for Angelina.
The scene cuts back to the patio where J-Wow decides to have a little heart to heart with the boys.. and we get another exciting episode of character development:
Why Ron-dog is a bitch:
1. Told J-Wow he threeway kissed.
Look I'm with Vin. You ladies cannot be trusted. The only person who knows more about my sex life than the girl I had sex with... is all of her friends. I know this, you know this, even Ron-dog knows this... let it be the first of many of Ron-dog's symbols of ovary driven affection for Sammi.
Situation and the guys recount Ron-dog's threeway kiss with the tight end for the Giants and a rhinoceros.
Pauley D proclaims his allegiance to the "grenade free America" movement. As a card carrying member for 5 years now, it's good to finally have a celebrity spokesman.
The situation turns to The Instigation at the end of the tell all... but refuses to tell J-Wow the crucial finish to Ron-dog's night.
(commercial)
As we come back from break we jump right into our ongoing show within a show.
Why Ron-dog is a bitch:
1. Told J-Wow he threeway kissed
2. Called his ex-girlfriend to talk about Sammi
Ron-dog really opens his heart using some very big words. We finally find out Ron-dog's achilles heal, he "just loves Sammi so fuckin' much." A weakness the dude he knocked out in season 1 wishes he knew back then.
Aside... can't decide if Sammi Sweetheart is hot.
Ronnie concludes the segment of a rekindled love by bringing up a "Zach and Kelly" Saved by the Bell reference. What does that even mean? Who the hell watched Saved by the Bell?... alright:
Reasons why Ron-dog is a bitch:
1. Told J-Wow he threeway kissed
2. Called his ex-girlfriend about Sammi
3. Watched Saved by the Bell.
As if the Situation isn't comic relief enough from all the 'drama,' MTV insists on including work for nominal pay while the cast is at the beach. This year's resume builder? Working at a gelato shop of course. Now you would think issues from the castmates would come from the stereotype of being placed in an Italian ice cream shop, or that making this fancy dessert really doesn't match up with the job skills they learned selling T-shirts last year. But you would be wrong, these guys just straight up don't want to work. Preach.
A real Italian immigrant explains how to make the ice cream, what they are going to be doing, and takes some pot shots at Pauley D's hair and Snooki's aforementioned sequin glasses. Here's betting none of the cast members are the "show up early, stay late" employees. I wonder who wins employee of the month?
The next time we hear about work it will be about someone arguing over shifts so.. back to Ron-dog being Ron-dog.
Reasons Ron-dog is a bitch:
1. Told J-wow he threeway kissed
2. Called his ex-girlfriend about Sammi
3. Watched Saved by the Bell
4. Got an Impromptu tattoo
Soooo... Ron-dog gets a tattoo with some crappy punk band singing a love ballad in the background to show Sammi Sweatheart that "he needs her." Naturally Sammi obliges. What exactly the two praying hands draped in a rosary symbolize or mean to Ronnie and his family, is... like how Snooki takes herself seriously... something we will never know.
Time for the episode's climax.
Sushi date with the guys (sans Ron-dog) and Angelina, where they notice Angelina is the only girl that "hangs" with the guys, and I notice Angelina's thunder thighs.
Bump the house music, we are getting ready for the club. Nothing is happening.. nothing is happening... The situation explains the importance of the "shirt before the shirt." Funnier that Situation uses this concept or defines wife beater as a shirt, I'm not sure.
Everyone is hitting the club. Ron-dog is dancing with Sammi. Angelina decides to not draw any attention to herself tonight by dancing with other girls. Situation makes out with some ho with no panties.. and loves it. Angelina finds out Pauley D is workin' a married chick. (foreshadowing of future confrontation)
I think it is surmised best by situation as such: "that's what happens, a little bit of alcohol, and throughout the night it just gets worse and worse until whalla! miss cockblock of the universe comes out.. that's who she is."
Reasons why Angelina is a bitch:
1. Hogs the phone all day
2. Called Snooki's boyfriend a defamatory starting with the letter "m"
3. Cockblock
So it's got to be around 3am and Pauley D and the Situation are looking to grub. Angelina comes at Pauley D about being "retarded." Buuutt, after a series of professions of love for both Pauley D and the Sitch.. and a marriage proposal to Pauley D, it is quite clear who the retard is.
Both try and explain that they are the only friends she has in the house, and it would be prudent not to make enemies on both sides. It is exposed that both Situation and Pauley D hit that. Pauley D ends the conversation which leads to the water works.. and Angelnia smacking Pauley D.
Situation is beside himself. He doesn't know up from down, left from right, why Angelina is acting like she's supposed to create manufactured drama on an MTV reality TV show.
All of a sudden, the final straw... Angelina presses D again...
"ARE YOU TOUCHING ME?!"
"YOU HAD US AS FRIENDS BEFORE, NOW THAT'S OVER! DONE!"
Roll credits.
So what did I learn?
Why Angelina is a bitch:
1. Hogs the phone all day
2. Called Snooki's boyfriend a defamatory starting with the letter "m"
3. Cockblock
Why Ron-dog is a bitch:
1. Told J-wow he threeway kissed
2. Called his ex-girlfriend about Sammi
3. Watched Saved by the Bell
4. Got an impromptu tattoo
Why I'm a bitch:
1. Just blogged an episode of the Jersey Shore.
I thought about it as I watched the last episode about as under the influence as a usual Monday night with the cast... ya know.. if someone called me who had never watched the shore or any TV for that matter, would I be able to explain an episode without losing my audience? I mean... nothing ever REALLY happens. Yet here I am... watching.
So, inebriated as I was... I thought it would be a good idea to recap the 2nd episode of the Jersey Shore: Miami Beach.
A couple things to note, I have decided Ronnie shall be called "Ron-dog." The Situation might be one of the greatest TV characters of all time. I can't believe I did this.
GTL baby... lets' go.
So we jump in around minute 12.
Basically all that has happened is that Sammi has "come at" Ron-dog (Ronnie) for seeing an ex-girlfreinds name in the call log?... at least that's what I'm guessing as my DVR didn't start recording until now.
Flash to to Pauley D and Vin talking about whether you can eat something off the floor if you cook it.
... aaaand then it's back to Ronnie talking to J-wow about Sami.
The episode seems like it is off to a bit of a slow start, luckily... Situation wants to order some food, and the following interchange transpires:
(restaurant worker) "ok... the name?"
(The sitch).. "Situation."
(rw) "... the name?!?"
(the sitch) "yes, that's right.. Situation. Capital S.. I.... T...U..."
And an awkward pause where Situation waits for the restaurant worker making 7.50 an hour to spell the rest of "ation". Now, when expectantly the dude doen't give the happy ending to Situation's train of thought... a slight sense of panic breaks into his face. This might be the most nervous we see Situation for the rest of the season. "wait.. how the fuck do you spell "situation?"After a hesitant light bulb moment, situation continues with the "A.. T.. ION" The rest of the order is placed, both ends of the phone laugh, and the sitch is still the man for another day.
Hey, apparently you can see J-wow through the shower door naked. Nice.
In another edition of character development: Everytime someone calls the house, it's for Angelina. Let's say as of now, the reasons Angelina IS a bitch is:
1. Hogs the phone all day.
Situation answers the phone: "Situation speaking."
Now, this is really symbolic of Angelina's personality in the house. Instead of forcing interaction with her castmates, she removes herself from the population, further isolating her from the group. Of course no one yet has griped about Snooki hogging all the food.
If you didn't know, Snooki likes pickles. Phallic reference?
Finally we are starting to unwrap the onion-like layers as to why the girls hate Angelina so much. Snooki learns that Angelina called Snooks boyfriend a "f***** m******". At least thats how it's shown on TV. What did she call him, a "fucking meathead?" Is Meathead a racial slur? Am I too prude to know what other word is being used? Is Snooks boyfriend not... a meathead? What's the meaning of life? Whatever... add it to the list.
Reasons Angelina IS a bitch:
1. Hogs the phone all day.
2. Called Snooki's boyfriend a defamatory starting with an "m"
Scene ends with a confrontation between a drunk Snooki wearing sequin shades and a prostrate Angelina drinking a marg. As Angelina explains how Snooki "doesn't even know her" we discover Snooki "doesn't want to know her.
... aaaand cut! commercial break.
Back from break we are right back in the thick of the "battle of tuesday night patio session." Snooki pulled a sneak attack on Angelina's HQ. Angelina has stifled the attack with a continuous string of denials... and then the big dawg walks in.
J-wow enters like a 5 time WWE heavyweight champ. She might as well be walking in the room to the NWO Wolfpack theme. It is determined that J-wow is going to beat that bitch. And everyone in the house believes it.
The phone keeps ringing and it is the first time I realize it is not the duck phone from season 1... oh yeah and the phone is for Angelina.
The scene cuts back to the patio where J-Wow decides to have a little heart to heart with the boys.. and we get another exciting episode of character development:
Why Ron-dog is a bitch:
1. Told J-Wow he threeway kissed.
Look I'm with Vin. You ladies cannot be trusted. The only person who knows more about my sex life than the girl I had sex with... is all of her friends. I know this, you know this, even Ron-dog knows this... let it be the first of many of Ron-dog's symbols of ovary driven affection for Sammi.
Situation and the guys recount Ron-dog's threeway kiss with the tight end for the Giants and a rhinoceros.
Pauley D proclaims his allegiance to the "grenade free America" movement. As a card carrying member for 5 years now, it's good to finally have a celebrity spokesman.
The situation turns to The Instigation at the end of the tell all... but refuses to tell J-Wow the crucial finish to Ron-dog's night.
(commercial)
As we come back from break we jump right into our ongoing show within a show.
Why Ron-dog is a bitch:
1. Told J-Wow he threeway kissed
2. Called his ex-girlfriend to talk about Sammi
Ron-dog really opens his heart using some very big words. We finally find out Ron-dog's achilles heal, he "just loves Sammi so fuckin' much." A weakness the dude he knocked out in season 1 wishes he knew back then.
Aside... can't decide if Sammi Sweetheart is hot.
Ronnie concludes the segment of a rekindled love by bringing up a "Zach and Kelly" Saved by the Bell reference. What does that even mean? Who the hell watched Saved by the Bell?... alright:
Reasons why Ron-dog is a bitch:
1. Told J-Wow he threeway kissed
2. Called his ex-girlfriend about Sammi
3. Watched Saved by the Bell.
As if the Situation isn't comic relief enough from all the 'drama,' MTV insists on including work for nominal pay while the cast is at the beach. This year's resume builder? Working at a gelato shop of course. Now you would think issues from the castmates would come from the stereotype of being placed in an Italian ice cream shop, or that making this fancy dessert really doesn't match up with the job skills they learned selling T-shirts last year. But you would be wrong, these guys just straight up don't want to work. Preach.
A real Italian immigrant explains how to make the ice cream, what they are going to be doing, and takes some pot shots at Pauley D's hair and Snooki's aforementioned sequin glasses. Here's betting none of the cast members are the "show up early, stay late" employees. I wonder who wins employee of the month?
The next time we hear about work it will be about someone arguing over shifts so.. back to Ron-dog being Ron-dog.
Reasons Ron-dog is a bitch:
1. Told J-wow he threeway kissed
2. Called his ex-girlfriend about Sammi
3. Watched Saved by the Bell
4. Got an Impromptu tattoo
Soooo... Ron-dog gets a tattoo with some crappy punk band singing a love ballad in the background to show Sammi Sweatheart that "he needs her." Naturally Sammi obliges. What exactly the two praying hands draped in a rosary symbolize or mean to Ronnie and his family, is... like how Snooki takes herself seriously... something we will never know.
Time for the episode's climax.
Sushi date with the guys (sans Ron-dog) and Angelina, where they notice Angelina is the only girl that "hangs" with the guys, and I notice Angelina's thunder thighs.
Bump the house music, we are getting ready for the club. Nothing is happening.. nothing is happening... The situation explains the importance of the "shirt before the shirt." Funnier that Situation uses this concept or defines wife beater as a shirt, I'm not sure.
Everyone is hitting the club. Ron-dog is dancing with Sammi. Angelina decides to not draw any attention to herself tonight by dancing with other girls. Situation makes out with some ho with no panties.. and loves it. Angelina finds out Pauley D is workin' a married chick. (foreshadowing of future confrontation)
I think it is surmised best by situation as such: "that's what happens, a little bit of alcohol, and throughout the night it just gets worse and worse until whalla! miss cockblock of the universe comes out.. that's who she is."
Reasons why Angelina is a bitch:
1. Hogs the phone all day
2. Called Snooki's boyfriend a defamatory starting with the letter "m"
3. Cockblock
So it's got to be around 3am and Pauley D and the Situation are looking to grub. Angelina comes at Pauley D about being "retarded." Buuutt, after a series of professions of love for both Pauley D and the Sitch.. and a marriage proposal to Pauley D, it is quite clear who the retard is.
Both try and explain that they are the only friends she has in the house, and it would be prudent not to make enemies on both sides. It is exposed that both Situation and Pauley D hit that. Pauley D ends the conversation which leads to the water works.. and Angelnia smacking Pauley D.
Situation is beside himself. He doesn't know up from down, left from right, why Angelina is acting like she's supposed to create manufactured drama on an MTV reality TV show.
All of a sudden, the final straw... Angelina presses D again...
"ARE YOU TOUCHING ME?!"
"YOU HAD US AS FRIENDS BEFORE, NOW THAT'S OVER! DONE!"
Roll credits.
So what did I learn?
Why Angelina is a bitch:
1. Hogs the phone all day
2. Called Snooki's boyfriend a defamatory starting with the letter "m"
3. Cockblock
Why Ron-dog is a bitch:
1. Told J-wow he threeway kissed
2. Called his ex-girlfriend about Sammi
3. Watched Saved by the Bell
4. Got an impromptu tattoo
Why I'm a bitch:
1. Just blogged an episode of the Jersey Shore.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Crossroads: Part II
It has been months since I have written nary a sentence about the Denver Nuggets. It took me two beers and a Prime Time's worth of contemplation to come up with the previous sentence, and I'm not even satisfied with it's structure. I can't say why I haven't. It's too lazy to blame laziness. It's too cliche to throw-up "if you don't have anything good to say, don't say it at all."
The Nuggets' season ended like a closed slut's door at the end of prom night. The pre-date "happy ending" expectation was there; the Nuggets were pre-season favorites to get back to the Western Conference Finals, and you're date gave a documented junior year post-prom... whatever. On date night you were lookin' high school sharp, re-defining the "grab-ass" game, being separated by chaperons for inappropriate dancing, and the Nuggets were out to their first half all time best win-loss record, undefeated against the Lakers. Everyone from your classmates, to the teachers, to the illegal janitor peepin' on the underage girls knew the end of the night had something probably unsuitable for the age, and definitely premarital, in store for you. All that remained was a little underage drinking, a secluded area at least 5 x 3 in cubic feet, a second half of the season status-quo, and you're walking into school Monday navigating a sexed-up rumor mill.
Then all of a sudden you're date's dead-beat dad found out there was an after-prom party at some kid's house. In an unexpected anomaly bit of parenting, dad blows up his daughter's cell in a last ditch effort to keep her off the pole. George Karl got cancer. And in the blink of an eye a Deron Williams sized door is closed in your face after nothing more than a hug at 10:15 pm.
Wait... what?? As you sit in you're now empty car in suburban-wherever, you can't help but sit and meditate. You look at the slutty prom soap art adorning your family car your date used to put out the high school vibe. You reflect on how Kenyon Martin was halfway into his all-star worthy season. The deal was sealed man, alright maybe it was more like zip-locked but still.... what???
I think I've been sitting in the driver's seat of my empty prom car, looking at the soap art in confusion for the last however many months. I haven't been able to give an opinion on a season I don't understand.
Eventually you have to snap out of it, stop trying to assess, and move the fuck on. It wasn't your night, it wasn't your season. Live in the present. You've still got a future kid.
It has taken me two months to gather my thoughts about the Nuggets... and yep.. this was the best I could come up with.
Nonetheless the point remains. There are two paths you, yet-to-be-deflowered 17 year old or 2010 Nugget executive, you can take from here, and in the long run, only one of them leads you where you want to be.
Path I: Michael Cera
Now 1:15 am you are still sitting in your parked car, lamenting the twisted turn of luck the night just clubbed you with. You can still smell Mrs. high school date's perfume that her daughter rubbed into the fabric of your clothes through 3 hours of teenage foreplay. You still dwell on the slight press of the budding bosom you felt at that last hug. You grasp at the memory of Kenyon Martin putting up 20 points and 15 rebounds a game. And as you replay the night from start to finish you can't help but conclude your train of thought with the question... why?
Knowing that as a Senior in High School you are about to enter the perceived personal "golden age" of sexual exploration, college, you can't help but feel overwhelmed. Yeah, kinda like "Superbad." Just like typecasts Jonah Hill and Michael Cera, desparation kicks in.
Pretty soon, you start firing front office executives. You start drinking a little more purposefully. What was once the respectably high female standards you had, have lowered themselves to thinking Jermaine O'Neal, Al Harrington, and Sheldon Williams are pretty "hot."
As time goes on, you are so wrapped up in your Prom Night failure that you are looking for anything with a hole. You watch yourself slip further and further down the slippery slope of drunken hook-up abominations. All the time wishing you could close something respectable, all the time letting your lack of self confidence get in the way of what you should have. You go out and buy the nice clothes, clean the room.... and bust out the roofie-colada's. Lowering yourself to trade line deadline crapshoots like Yao Ming's injury ridden contract or a Vince Carter experiment.
... if only her dad would not have called...
Path II: The Fonz
Eeyyyyy... its all good. You go home, whack it, and move on.
Inevitably, no matter which path you chose, you will be presented with an opportunity to close the "hot chick." For whatever reason, a pretty girl will at one time give you "the look." Where it goes from there is dependent on how you act.
Carmelo Anthony is that hot chick. Carmelo Anthony is in a contract year. There is a 3 year, $65 million extension on the table. The new collective bargaining agreement (basically an agreement between owners and the players) has yet to be formalized, but is expected to lower the amount that teams can spend on players by 30%. This is the last year Carmelo Anthony can make $20 mil + in base salary.
What little there was to be learned from Superbad was that desperation is not attrractive. Cleveland found this out the hard way. The thing about desperation, is that it sticks to you. Just as you can't shake your STD ridden hook up past, the Cleveland Caveliers can't shake the $32 mil they owe losers Antwain Jamison, Mo Williams, Andersen Verajao, and Daniel Gibson they hooked up with in an effort to get Lebron to stay.
The Nuggets will finally be done with Kenyon Martin's $16 mil/year and J.R. Smith's $6mil contracts next year... that's cap space.
There is the perception that if Carmelo Anthony leaves the Nuggets will never recover. While that may be true, playing it like that just makes you seem like a loser. The Fonz is a loser, and god knows what kind of trouble he got himself into over the course of season after season of Happy Days, but did he ever let it take down his self confidence? Eeeeyyyy....
Time heals all wounds... so they say. If anything, I think it eventually allows you to be realistic about an experience. Six years removed from prom, do you really want your name sexually attached to the twice-divorced, 22 year-old, mother of five?
So at the trade deadline, when Carmelo Anthony still hasn't signed is extension, I say play the Fonzie, not the squeaky voiced Mike Cera. It is much more attractive to hold yourself (or a franchise) accountable to a sense of self respect and self confidence, than it is for your owner to give your star player whatever he wants and write an angry letter :( to him when he leaves. For not only will it leave you not regretting the miserable hookups and bad contracts that will stick with you for years, but the franchise will appear more reputable and ultimately more attractive.
The Nuggets' season ended like a closed slut's door at the end of prom night. The pre-date "happy ending" expectation was there; the Nuggets were pre-season favorites to get back to the Western Conference Finals, and you're date gave a documented junior year post-prom... whatever. On date night you were lookin' high school sharp, re-defining the "grab-ass" game, being separated by chaperons for inappropriate dancing, and the Nuggets were out to their first half all time best win-loss record, undefeated against the Lakers. Everyone from your classmates, to the teachers, to the illegal janitor peepin' on the underage girls knew the end of the night had something probably unsuitable for the age, and definitely premarital, in store for you. All that remained was a little underage drinking, a secluded area at least 5 x 3 in cubic feet, a second half of the season status-quo, and you're walking into school Monday navigating a sexed-up rumor mill.
Then all of a sudden you're date's dead-beat dad found out there was an after-prom party at some kid's house. In an unexpected anomaly bit of parenting, dad blows up his daughter's cell in a last ditch effort to keep her off the pole. George Karl got cancer. And in the blink of an eye a Deron Williams sized door is closed in your face after nothing more than a hug at 10:15 pm.
Wait... what?? As you sit in you're now empty car in suburban-wherever, you can't help but sit and meditate. You look at the slutty prom soap art adorning your family car your date used to put out the high school vibe. You reflect on how Kenyon Martin was halfway into his all-star worthy season. The deal was sealed man, alright maybe it was more like zip-locked but still.... what???
I think I've been sitting in the driver's seat of my empty prom car, looking at the soap art in confusion for the last however many months. I haven't been able to give an opinion on a season I don't understand.
Eventually you have to snap out of it, stop trying to assess, and move the fuck on. It wasn't your night, it wasn't your season. Live in the present. You've still got a future kid.
It has taken me two months to gather my thoughts about the Nuggets... and yep.. this was the best I could come up with.
Nonetheless the point remains. There are two paths you, yet-to-be-deflowered 17 year old or 2010 Nugget executive, you can take from here, and in the long run, only one of them leads you where you want to be.
Path I: Michael Cera
Now 1:15 am you are still sitting in your parked car, lamenting the twisted turn of luck the night just clubbed you with. You can still smell Mrs. high school date's perfume that her daughter rubbed into the fabric of your clothes through 3 hours of teenage foreplay. You still dwell on the slight press of the budding bosom you felt at that last hug. You grasp at the memory of Kenyon Martin putting up 20 points and 15 rebounds a game. And as you replay the night from start to finish you can't help but conclude your train of thought with the question... why?
Knowing that as a Senior in High School you are about to enter the perceived personal "golden age" of sexual exploration, college, you can't help but feel overwhelmed. Yeah, kinda like "Superbad." Just like typecasts Jonah Hill and Michael Cera, desparation kicks in.
Pretty soon, you start firing front office executives. You start drinking a little more purposefully. What was once the respectably high female standards you had, have lowered themselves to thinking Jermaine O'Neal, Al Harrington, and Sheldon Williams are pretty "hot."
As time goes on, you are so wrapped up in your Prom Night failure that you are looking for anything with a hole. You watch yourself slip further and further down the slippery slope of drunken hook-up abominations. All the time wishing you could close something respectable, all the time letting your lack of self confidence get in the way of what you should have. You go out and buy the nice clothes, clean the room.... and bust out the roofie-colada's. Lowering yourself to trade line deadline crapshoots like Yao Ming's injury ridden contract or a Vince Carter experiment.
... if only her dad would not have called...
Path II: The Fonz
Eeyyyyy... its all good. You go home, whack it, and move on.
Inevitably, no matter which path you chose, you will be presented with an opportunity to close the "hot chick." For whatever reason, a pretty girl will at one time give you "the look." Where it goes from there is dependent on how you act.
Carmelo Anthony is that hot chick. Carmelo Anthony is in a contract year. There is a 3 year, $65 million extension on the table. The new collective bargaining agreement (basically an agreement between owners and the players) has yet to be formalized, but is expected to lower the amount that teams can spend on players by 30%. This is the last year Carmelo Anthony can make $20 mil + in base salary.
What little there was to be learned from Superbad was that desperation is not attrractive. Cleveland found this out the hard way. The thing about desperation, is that it sticks to you. Just as you can't shake your STD ridden hook up past, the Cleveland Caveliers can't shake the $32 mil they owe losers Antwain Jamison, Mo Williams, Andersen Verajao, and Daniel Gibson they hooked up with in an effort to get Lebron to stay.
The Nuggets will finally be done with Kenyon Martin's $16 mil/year and J.R. Smith's $6mil contracts next year... that's cap space.
There is the perception that if Carmelo Anthony leaves the Nuggets will never recover. While that may be true, playing it like that just makes you seem like a loser. The Fonz is a loser, and god knows what kind of trouble he got himself into over the course of season after season of Happy Days, but did he ever let it take down his self confidence? Eeeeyyyy....
Time heals all wounds... so they say. If anything, I think it eventually allows you to be realistic about an experience. Six years removed from prom, do you really want your name sexually attached to the twice-divorced, 22 year-old, mother of five?
So at the trade deadline, when Carmelo Anthony still hasn't signed is extension, I say play the Fonzie, not the squeaky voiced Mike Cera. It is much more attractive to hold yourself (or a franchise) accountable to a sense of self respect and self confidence, than it is for your owner to give your star player whatever he wants and write an angry letter :( to him when he leaves. For not only will it leave you not regretting the miserable hookups and bad contracts that will stick with you for years, but the franchise will appear more reputable and ultimately more attractive.
Eeyyy... comon 'Melo, we've got the same cap space that anyone else will have next year with a better coach, one season away from hitting the Western Conference Finals, and a budding Ty Lawson... stick around.. eeeyyy if not .. sall good, we'll go home, whack it.. and move on.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Lance: 1-2
Prologue..
The “Lewis Trilemma” is a theological theory created by C.S. Lewis, of Narnia fame, about the divinity of Jesus. In essence, according to C.S., you must believe JC is either the Lord, a liar, or a lunatic, he can’t be anything else. A pseudo- “the good, the bad, and the ugly” if you will. It all stems from Jesus’s statement that he himself is God. From this statement you can only deduce that he is either trying to deceive everyone into this, he falsely believes this, or he really is, you can’t get out of it… trilemma baby.
Now I could get into a theological debate here, but it’s not the venue, and I don’t want to anyway.
But anyway it brings me to my point. Fuckin’ Tim Tebow man. Now I’m not saying TT is JC, but I bet my life savings if you ask Tebow he will say he’s trying to be as close to him as he can be, he’s the closest thing to JC in the NFL, and Josh McDaniels and the city of Denver has anointed him the “mile-high Messiah,”…. I’m just connecting dots.
So I present to you the “Lance Trilemma.” And it is this; Tim Tebow is either a liar, a lunatic, or the lord (of football of course), there is no other option. He either knows he was propped up by an outrageously talented college team, takes responsibility for it, has had the most sex on U of F’s campus, and feeds everyone crap (liar!), was propped up by an outrageously talented college team, and truly believes he was responsible for it (lunatic!), or damn it Timothy Richard Tebow is the greatest football player of all time. There is no option of mediocrity. Tim Tebow is the greatest quarterback in Denver since John Elway… or he’s the worst quarterback in Denver since John Elway.
Who knows? We have to wait for the gospel of Tim Tebow to be written. Let it begin…
This is the written Gospel of Timothy Richard Tebow according to Lance.
1
1The beginning of the gospel is about Timothy Richard Tebow, a son of God.
2It is written in Isaiah the prophet:
The Birth of Tim Tebow Foretold
4It was the year 1985, and the Lord sent an angel to answer the prayer of a woman, Pamela, who was married to a man Robert Ramsey Tebow, a missionary of Florida. 5The angel found Pamela outside the city of Makati, which was in the Philippines, as was customary for Christian missionaries at that time.
6“Do not abort the fetus, a child is to be born to you,” the angel said unto Pamela. 7“But how can this be? Doctors have told me the fetus is damaged after my amebic dysentery induced coma, and subsequent strong medications. They have said that my placenta has detached from the uterine wall, a process known as placental abruption. It deprives the fetus of oxygen and nutrients. The baby is expected to be still born.” Replied Pamela.
8“God has blessed you Pamela, you will have a son, and you will name him Timothy,” proclaimed the angel, “9he is the messiah. He will command men and preach the word. He is sent to lead the people the prophet, John Elway, led through the desert of Super Bowl failure. 10And People will call him the ‘Mile High Messiah.’ And people will mock him behind his back, and people will expect ask him the way to immortality to his face. 11And he will save said people if he succeeds, and will be a ‘born again H-back’ if he fails…. You ready for that gurl?”
12“I am the Lord’s servant,” answered Pamela, “may it be to me as you have said.”
2
The Birth of Tim Tebow
1So Pamela trusted in the Lord, and did not abort though her life was in jeopardy. The time came for the baby to be born, and she gave birth to her first born, a son. 2She wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger, because in the Phillipines, you don’t want to go to the inn. 3The child was skinny, but long, as a result of being malnourished. And He was named Timothy, which means “honoring God.”
The Broncos Fans and the Angels
4And there were Bronco Fans keeping watch on their TV’s at night. 5An angel of ESPN, Erin Andrews, appeared to them, and they were terrified. 6But the Angel said, “do not be afraid, I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all you chosen people. 7Today, in the land of Manny Pacquiao, a savior has been born to you. He is the athletic word become flesh, the chosen one to bring your athletic community out of destitute. 8This will be a sign to you, you will find a baby wrapped in cloth lying in a manger.
9So Broncos fans remained hopeful, and they spread the word that the second coming of Elway was at hand.
…to be continued….
Source:
http://www.gainesville.com/article/20071007/NEWS/710060317?tc=ar
The “Lewis Trilemma” is a theological theory created by C.S. Lewis, of Narnia fame, about the divinity of Jesus. In essence, according to C.S., you must believe JC is either the Lord, a liar, or a lunatic, he can’t be anything else. A pseudo- “the good, the bad, and the ugly” if you will. It all stems from Jesus’s statement that he himself is God. From this statement you can only deduce that he is either trying to deceive everyone into this, he falsely believes this, or he really is, you can’t get out of it… trilemma baby.
Now I could get into a theological debate here, but it’s not the venue, and I don’t want to anyway.
But anyway it brings me to my point. Fuckin’ Tim Tebow man. Now I’m not saying TT is JC, but I bet my life savings if you ask Tebow he will say he’s trying to be as close to him as he can be, he’s the closest thing to JC in the NFL, and Josh McDaniels and the city of Denver has anointed him the “mile-high Messiah,”…. I’m just connecting dots.
So I present to you the “Lance Trilemma.” And it is this; Tim Tebow is either a liar, a lunatic, or the lord (of football of course), there is no other option. He either knows he was propped up by an outrageously talented college team, takes responsibility for it, has had the most sex on U of F’s campus, and feeds everyone crap (liar!), was propped up by an outrageously talented college team, and truly believes he was responsible for it (lunatic!), or damn it Timothy Richard Tebow is the greatest football player of all time. There is no option of mediocrity. Tim Tebow is the greatest quarterback in Denver since John Elway… or he’s the worst quarterback in Denver since John Elway.
Who knows? We have to wait for the gospel of Tim Tebow to be written. Let it begin…
This is the written Gospel of Timothy Richard Tebow according to Lance.
1
1The beginning of the gospel is about Timothy Richard Tebow, a son of God.
2It is written in Isaiah the prophet:
"I will send my messenger ahead of you,
who will prepare your way"
3"a voice of one calling in the mountains,
'Prepare the way for the him,
make straight paths for him.'
The Birth of Tim Tebow Foretold
4It was the year 1985, and the Lord sent an angel to answer the prayer of a woman, Pamela, who was married to a man Robert Ramsey Tebow, a missionary of Florida. 5The angel found Pamela outside the city of Makati, which was in the Philippines, as was customary for Christian missionaries at that time.
6“Do not abort the fetus, a child is to be born to you,” the angel said unto Pamela. 7“But how can this be? Doctors have told me the fetus is damaged after my amebic dysentery induced coma, and subsequent strong medications. They have said that my placenta has detached from the uterine wall, a process known as placental abruption. It deprives the fetus of oxygen and nutrients. The baby is expected to be still born.” Replied Pamela.
8“God has blessed you Pamela, you will have a son, and you will name him Timothy,” proclaimed the angel, “9he is the messiah. He will command men and preach the word. He is sent to lead the people the prophet, John Elway, led through the desert of Super Bowl failure. 10And People will call him the ‘Mile High Messiah.’ And people will mock him behind his back, and people will expect ask him the way to immortality to his face. 11And he will save said people if he succeeds, and will be a ‘born again H-back’ if he fails…. You ready for that gurl?”
12“I am the Lord’s servant,” answered Pamela, “may it be to me as you have said.”
2
The Birth of Tim Tebow
1So Pamela trusted in the Lord, and did not abort though her life was in jeopardy. The time came for the baby to be born, and she gave birth to her first born, a son. 2She wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger, because in the Phillipines, you don’t want to go to the inn. 3The child was skinny, but long, as a result of being malnourished. And He was named Timothy, which means “honoring God.”
The Broncos Fans and the Angels
4And there were Bronco Fans keeping watch on their TV’s at night. 5An angel of ESPN, Erin Andrews, appeared to them, and they were terrified. 6But the Angel said, “do not be afraid, I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all you chosen people. 7Today, in the land of Manny Pacquiao, a savior has been born to you. He is the athletic word become flesh, the chosen one to bring your athletic community out of destitute. 8This will be a sign to you, you will find a baby wrapped in cloth lying in a manger.
9So Broncos fans remained hopeful, and they spread the word that the second coming of Elway was at hand.
…to be continued….
Source:
http://www.gainesville.com/article/20071007/NEWS/710060317?tc=ar
Monday, April 19, 2010
... Allow me to explain
So I've started this Twitter thing. A real look into the things flowing between my ears on a day to day basis, when I haven't forgotten my cell phone. I think I'd like to explain some of my thoughts to the no one that reads them.
"we already knew ricky martin.. we already knew.." 9:29 AM Mar 30th via web
Seriously, Ricky Martin coming out of the closet is about as surprising as a "going out of business sale" sign appearing on your local Blockbuster Video.
"i'd rather be mentally retarded than morbidly obese" 12:28 PM Mar 30th via web
Stop it with the ghastly looks of disbelief from this statement. It's a classic "would you rather." I'm just pointing out that if I was somehow forced into an option between downsyndrome or a glandular problem, I'm taking the one that has olympics. Look, just compare and contrast. Have you ever seen a depressed mentally handicapable person? Have you ever seen a truly happy 400 pounder? Should I stop?.. Yeah, I'll stop.
"Who wants 50 bucks the nuggets get the 2 seed?" 10:12 PM Apr 2nd via txt
It's a good thing I only have six followers, alright 5 followers because @boredsodapop38 is probably a pedophile, and that maybe only 2 of them actually follow, else a poorer man is writing to you today. A big middle finger goes out to @RWill272727 for not only calling my bet, but having the gumption to be a Nuggets fan betting against the Nuggets.
I maintain that had Adrian Dantley not chosen his lineups based on random player's names being drawn from a hat, the Nuggets would be playing the San Antonio Spurs right now. Retrospectively, seeing how the Nuggets are 3-1 this season (one loss coming without K-Mart, Melo, Chauncey) against Colorado Jr.,.. Utah.. the Jazz literally have no one that can stop Carmelo, Mehmet no longer has one Achilles tendon, and Andrei Keirelenko hurt himself doing his hair, things could have been worse.
We all knew the Nuggets would have to meet the Lakers eventually. Let's get it out of the way then.
"I wonder what Simon-paul's 40 time was" 12:05 PM Apr 4th via txt
Devout Catholics might want to just scroll past these next couple... then again is "devout Catholic" becoming an oxymoron?
Anyway yeah butchered this one, that's actually supposed to be Simon-Peter, I wonder what Simon-Peter's 40 time was. And really what I meant by that, was I wonder what the 40 time of the apostle that outran Simon-Peter to the tomb was.
For those of you that were sitting through an Easter morning service you may have heard or been zoned out for the Bible passage that tells of JC's desciples learning that he ressurrected from the dead. Basically, Mary Magdalene sees the big rock moved from Jesus's tomb. She runs back to tell Simon-Peter who, according to the book of John, is just absolutely torched by another apostle as they both run to the tomb.
Now I understand there are alot of factors to consider. The age of Simon-Peter; I tried figuring it out from the geneological trees in the book of Ruth but it really gets confusing.. and a little dry. The traction and ankle support of circa minutes A.D. sandals; don't know what they were made of or where to even find a pair to try out, my best guess is somewhere between rainbow thong sandals and I3 basketball shoes.
Regardless, in the heat of the moment "the other apostle" wins by literally biblical proportions, and get's no credit. The marathon was created to commemorate a 25 mile run to warn of invasion, the least we can do for "the other apostle" is create maybe a 2500 meter sprint in his name.. whatever it is.
"Some people are just way to into peace be withing me" 12:22 PM Apr 4th via txt
I'm just sayin', take it easy man. Hey, from my family to yours.. peace be with you, but kindly let go of my hand. No, I don't want a hug. We don't need to go across-aisles here. Let's please just move on. I've got a rack of lamb at home that needs to be eaten. Happy Easter.
"Well... Barmes still fuckin sucks" 3:01 PM Apr 5th via txt
Is it too much to ask for your second baseman to not swing at random pitches? I know it's early, but all Rockies fans were asking from him this season is to raise his batting average. Sure, maybe an unreasonable request for say, career .300 batting average Todd Helton. But (not his worst year) .245 batting Clint Barmes? I think it's reasonable. It was reasonable for Ian Stewart who hit a paltry .228 last year, he's hitting .333 this year and his home runs aren't going anywhere but up, back, and gone. The question Rockies fan's left brain was asking was whether a few poor averages could really be raised a bit.
How does a two week .206 average taste? Yep, Clint Barmes still fuckin' sucks.
"There's too many white people playing basketball on my tv right now" 8:04 PM Apr 5th via txt
Congratulations to the Duke Blue Devils on a National Championship. The tallest midgets in the room. The loudest mimes. The fattest Ethiopian. The best white college basketball team in the country.
"How does trey wingo get away with going from womens basketball gameday to NFL live?" 5:37 PM Apr 6th via txt
No one wreaks of "effeminate male" like Trey Wingo, and yet he roars onto the set of ESPN's NFL live with that.. "psh, yeah who the hell else would it be?" sense of entitlement. What's that smell Wingo? Don't act like I can't see you doing pregame for women's college basketball.
"http://profootballtalk.nbcsports.com/2010/04/12/kroenke-closes-door-on-khan/ ... hmm could be interesting for the future of the nuggets" 11:37 AM Apr 13th via web
Do you want to know why the Nuggets administration told Kenyon Martin to just sit out the last quarter of the season so there was no risk of him being hurt in the playoffs instead of signing a fourth big man? Because no one watches the Avalanche, and owner Stan Kroenke is increasing stakes in the highest pay per player league in the world (English Premier League - Arsenal) and the overall wealthiest league in the world, the NFL.
Not only do we face the risk of Kroenke Sports Enterprises cutting Nugget "funding," if you will, but the risk that the NFL may force Kroenke to sell the Avs and Nuggets. I don't know which would be worse. Keep in mind this is man of Walmart fortune, not only do we all know how endlessly rich he is, but how Walmart does business.
"Cheryl miller looks like the predator" 9:41 PM Apr 13th via txt
The only person more annoying commentating a game than Reggie Miller, is sister Cheryl Miller. The worst part is that if we kill her, her self detonating bomb will go off.
"3 point guards. 1 birdman... And a malik Allen cherry on top.. Dantley?" 9:52 PM Apr 13th via txt
More proof that Adrian Dantley really did the Nuggets absolutely no regular season favors, and that I should not be down 50 bucks. That right there, is lineup at one time against the Suns.
Again, I'm starting to wonder if the Nuggets intentionally tanked the last quarter of the season. I mean, all of a sudden Ty Lawson plays the entire 4th quarter of a playoff game and I only saw one Anthony on the court, he dropped 42, and it wasn't Anthony Carter. Either administration is doing something funny, or George Karl and his doctor threatened to put him through radiation if he didn't do exactly what is written on these little cards for the first round.
P.S. notice how ROOKIE point guard Ty Lawson criticized Dantley at the bottom of this article.
"Just watched elmo talk to Katie couric about death... I'm not even high" 7:32 PM Apr 14th via txt
When I flipped on my TV after a Wednesday driving range session I was hoping it would already be turned on the game du jour, or maybe at least a glimpse of an attractive actress on some brain vacuum show on CBS's primetime lineup. What I got was Elmo being interviewed by Katie Couric about death. This is not St. Elmo (there is one), or his fire. This is Elmo of "tickle me" fame.
I was transfixed. Soon the interview widened to a 3-shot. Elmo introduced his puppet friend who had a puppet memory book about her puppet papa that peaced out. From there it turned straight up Lifetime channel with a Sesame Street twist. Flashes to solo interviews by a consoling big harry puppet uncle. Flashbacks of happy complete puppet families playing in the sunshine while sad bastard puppet children watched.
"...And it changed my life" 7:35 PM Apr 14th via txt
I didn't know how to react. This little puppet girl's family died in the great war.. or something. I was sad, confused, laughing, and flaccid. Katie Couric was dead (pun intended) serious, and I'll never see death the same way.
"There should be an Nfl draft fantasy challenge.. Everyone already does one" 15 minutes ago via txt
I mean literally everyone is doing a mock draft. You can't tell me we can't turn this into a friendly March Madness type pool thing. You'd do the research the same way you filled out your bracket, use the professional "analysts" as a guide, and guess like they all do. I think I'll do one.
No predictions, no betting, no jinxing, ... until the playoffs are over. Go Nuggets.
(twitter: freelanceword)
"we already knew ricky martin.. we already knew.." 9:29 AM Mar 30th via web
Seriously, Ricky Martin coming out of the closet is about as surprising as a "going out of business sale" sign appearing on your local Blockbuster Video.
"i'd rather be mentally retarded than morbidly obese" 12:28 PM Mar 30th via web
Stop it with the ghastly looks of disbelief from this statement. It's a classic "would you rather." I'm just pointing out that if I was somehow forced into an option between downsyndrome or a glandular problem, I'm taking the one that has olympics. Look, just compare and contrast. Have you ever seen a depressed mentally handicapable person? Have you ever seen a truly happy 400 pounder? Should I stop?.. Yeah, I'll stop.
"Who wants 50 bucks the nuggets get the 2 seed?" 10:12 PM Apr 2nd via txt
It's a good thing I only have six followers, alright 5 followers because @boredsodapop38 is probably a pedophile, and that maybe only 2 of them actually follow, else a poorer man is writing to you today. A big middle finger goes out to @RWill272727 for not only calling my bet, but having the gumption to be a Nuggets fan betting against the Nuggets.
I maintain that had Adrian Dantley not chosen his lineups based on random player's names being drawn from a hat, the Nuggets would be playing the San Antonio Spurs right now. Retrospectively, seeing how the Nuggets are 3-1 this season (one loss coming without K-Mart, Melo, Chauncey) against Colorado Jr.,.. Utah.. the Jazz literally have no one that can stop Carmelo, Mehmet no longer has one Achilles tendon, and Andrei Keirelenko hurt himself doing his hair, things could have been worse.
We all knew the Nuggets would have to meet the Lakers eventually. Let's get it out of the way then.
"I wonder what Simon-paul's 40 time was" 12:05 PM Apr 4th via txt
Devout Catholics might want to just scroll past these next couple... then again is "devout Catholic" becoming an oxymoron?
Anyway yeah butchered this one, that's actually supposed to be Simon-Peter, I wonder what Simon-Peter's 40 time was. And really what I meant by that, was I wonder what the 40 time of the apostle that outran Simon-Peter to the tomb was.
For those of you that were sitting through an Easter morning service you may have heard or been zoned out for the Bible passage that tells of JC's desciples learning that he ressurrected from the dead. Basically, Mary Magdalene sees the big rock moved from Jesus's tomb. She runs back to tell Simon-Peter who, according to the book of John, is just absolutely torched by another apostle as they both run to the tomb.
Now I understand there are alot of factors to consider. The age of Simon-Peter; I tried figuring it out from the geneological trees in the book of Ruth but it really gets confusing.. and a little dry. The traction and ankle support of circa minutes A.D. sandals; don't know what they were made of or where to even find a pair to try out, my best guess is somewhere between rainbow thong sandals and I3 basketball shoes.
Regardless, in the heat of the moment "the other apostle" wins by literally biblical proportions, and get's no credit. The marathon was created to commemorate a 25 mile run to warn of invasion, the least we can do for "the other apostle" is create maybe a 2500 meter sprint in his name.. whatever it is.
"Some people are just way to into peace be withing me" 12:22 PM Apr 4th via txt
I'm just sayin', take it easy man. Hey, from my family to yours.. peace be with you, but kindly let go of my hand. No, I don't want a hug. We don't need to go across-aisles here. Let's please just move on. I've got a rack of lamb at home that needs to be eaten. Happy Easter.
"Well... Barmes still fuckin sucks" 3:01 PM Apr 5th via txt
Is it too much to ask for your second baseman to not swing at random pitches? I know it's early, but all Rockies fans were asking from him this season is to raise his batting average. Sure, maybe an unreasonable request for say, career .300 batting average Todd Helton. But (not his worst year) .245 batting Clint Barmes? I think it's reasonable. It was reasonable for Ian Stewart who hit a paltry .228 last year, he's hitting .333 this year and his home runs aren't going anywhere but up, back, and gone. The question Rockies fan's left brain was asking was whether a few poor averages could really be raised a bit.
How does a two week .206 average taste? Yep, Clint Barmes still fuckin' sucks.
"There's too many white people playing basketball on my tv right now" 8:04 PM Apr 5th via txt
Congratulations to the Duke Blue Devils on a National Championship. The tallest midgets in the room. The loudest mimes. The fattest Ethiopian. The best white college basketball team in the country.
"How does trey wingo get away with going from womens basketball gameday to NFL live?" 5:37 PM Apr 6th via txt
No one wreaks of "effeminate male" like Trey Wingo, and yet he roars onto the set of ESPN's NFL live with that.. "psh, yeah who the hell else would it be?" sense of entitlement. What's that smell Wingo? Don't act like I can't see you doing pregame for women's college basketball.
"http://profootballtalk.nbcsports.com/2010/04/12/kroenke-closes-door-on-khan/ ... hmm could be interesting for the future of the nuggets" 11:37 AM Apr 13th via web
Do you want to know why the Nuggets administration told Kenyon Martin to just sit out the last quarter of the season so there was no risk of him being hurt in the playoffs instead of signing a fourth big man? Because no one watches the Avalanche, and owner Stan Kroenke is increasing stakes in the highest pay per player league in the world (English Premier League - Arsenal) and the overall wealthiest league in the world, the NFL.
Not only do we face the risk of Kroenke Sports Enterprises cutting Nugget "funding," if you will, but the risk that the NFL may force Kroenke to sell the Avs and Nuggets. I don't know which would be worse. Keep in mind this is man of Walmart fortune, not only do we all know how endlessly rich he is, but how Walmart does business.
"Cheryl miller looks like the predator" 9:41 PM Apr 13th via txt
The only person more annoying commentating a game than Reggie Miller, is sister Cheryl Miller. The worst part is that if we kill her, her self detonating bomb will go off.
"3 point guards. 1 birdman... And a malik Allen cherry on top.. Dantley?" 9:52 PM Apr 13th via txt
More proof that Adrian Dantley really did the Nuggets absolutely no regular season favors, and that I should not be down 50 bucks. That right there, is lineup at one time against the Suns.
Again, I'm starting to wonder if the Nuggets intentionally tanked the last quarter of the season. I mean, all of a sudden Ty Lawson plays the entire 4th quarter of a playoff game and I only saw one Anthony on the court, he dropped 42, and it wasn't Anthony Carter. Either administration is doing something funny, or George Karl and his doctor threatened to put him through radiation if he didn't do exactly what is written on these little cards for the first round.
P.S. notice how ROOKIE point guard Ty Lawson criticized Dantley at the bottom of this article.
"Just watched elmo talk to Katie couric about death... I'm not even high" 7:32 PM Apr 14th via txt
When I flipped on my TV after a Wednesday driving range session I was hoping it would already be turned on the game du jour, or maybe at least a glimpse of an attractive actress on some brain vacuum show on CBS's primetime lineup. What I got was Elmo being interviewed by Katie Couric about death. This is not St. Elmo (there is one), or his fire. This is Elmo of "tickle me" fame.
I was transfixed. Soon the interview widened to a 3-shot. Elmo introduced his puppet friend who had a puppet memory book about her puppet papa that peaced out. From there it turned straight up Lifetime channel with a Sesame Street twist. Flashes to solo interviews by a consoling big harry puppet uncle. Flashbacks of happy complete puppet families playing in the sunshine while sad bastard puppet children watched.
"...And it changed my life" 7:35 PM Apr 14th via txt
I didn't know how to react. This little puppet girl's family died in the great war.. or something. I was sad, confused, laughing, and flaccid. Katie Couric was dead (pun intended) serious, and I'll never see death the same way.
"There should be an Nfl draft fantasy challenge.. Everyone already does one" 15 minutes ago via txt
I mean literally everyone is doing a mock draft. You can't tell me we can't turn this into a friendly March Madness type pool thing. You'd do the research the same way you filled out your bracket, use the professional "analysts" as a guide, and guess like they all do. I think I'll do one.
No predictions, no betting, no jinxing, ... until the playoffs are over. Go Nuggets.
This is Denver's Carmelo Anthony dunking on Utah's Paul Millsap the first game of the season... I'm not sayin' I'm just sayin.
(twitter: freelanceword)
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Dear Adrian Dantley,
Dear Adrian Dantley,
Hey, it's been a while.. you know I've just been so busy lately. What with a new job, the bars, and everything that comes with it I just feel like we haven't had a quality opportunity to, you know, just talk.
I've got to tell you I'm writing to you at a really emotional time in my life right now. So many things going on at one time. I find myself giddy as a schoolgirl one minute only to find myself as depressed as Kurt Cobain the next. I saw a commercial where, I'm guessing in a shout out to Jesus Christ, Nike resurrects Earl Woods from the dead to give Tiger Woods a lecture. Boy Adrian, sometimes I wonder what is considered shameless or shameful anymore. Are the chicks that Tiger slept with, or a man who sells his dead father's voice to get his fan base back, bigger money grubbing whores?
What's the meaning of life Adrian?
It hasn't been all weird like that though. My old friend Todd Helton and his friends came into town this week. I love those guys and I think we can really do some big things together. I even had a one night stand! :-P Can you believe that? Me, a one night stand... I don't even know her name but I think her last name was Butler! I think everyone knew in the end it wasn't going anywhere but it was phun while it lasted! hehe.
With the highs have also come the lows however. I feel like this rings true for you more than anyone. This is really why I've been meaning to write to you Adrian. Sometimes when you get caught up in the rat race of life you forget to check your emotional equilibrium. You forget some things that are really important to you.
Do you think about death Adrian?
Whenever I think about our good friend George Karl getting his face blasted with radiation I wonder if I'll ever smile again. It's hard to know that someone you respect and admire is going through such a difficult time. I think it's important to keep his spirit alive by doing some of the things he would do. You know, what with his important role with the Nuggets and city of Denver's championship aspirations, there is alot hanging in the balance. I mean I know it's not like dealing with a kidney stone but, what is?
I feel like I need to be honest with you Adrian. I've had a lot of time to think about this and I feel like if our relationship is going to go to the next level, I need to get some things off my chest.
What in the name of God are you doing Adrian?
Seriously, isn't all you have to do is do exactly what George Karl has done all season? Karl coached his last game March 13, and since then, you have lead the Nuggies to 6-6. Notable losses include Home against Milwakee, at Houston, and at New freakin' York. We're in a battle for playoff seeding here Adrian! I know some guys are banged up, but I know what George Karl would do, and I could do it with three damn kidney stones.
Where is the ball movement Adrian?
The Nuggets average 21 assists per game. Now, that only ranks the Nuggets 17th in the league but you certainly aren't helping the average. Starting with the loss at home against Milwakee (past 9 games), the Nuggets have been held under their season assist average 5 times. Assist totals in those games? 13,15, 18,12,14. Can you guess what the outcome of those games were? In fact, as a whole, the Nuggets have dropped to 19 Assists per game under your watch. btw, That would rank 27th in the league, Adrian.
I understand you're currently coaching the team, not running point, but who else is there to blame? You still have Chanucey Billups, and Kenyon Martin and Chris Andersen are not guards.
Which Nugget gets the most/hottest chicks Adrian?
I know it's naive, but I just feel like 'Melo and Chauncey are one-woman men.
Afflalo? eh.. too shy. Nene probably has the Brazilian connection.. that could be nice, but he's 6'11".. that's probably pretty scary. Kenyon seems like he loves the ghetto booty, and will fuck your ass up if you tell anyone. That leaves us with the reserves. Earl Smith III seems like he likes to make it rain on strippers. You know Birdman loves the white-trash... and Johan Petro? French connection but looks like the missing link.
I think we can safely rule out Malik Allen and Joey Graham as I'm sure 90% of the ladies would say "who?" when you told them their names. (and they deserve it too) Anthony Carter probably makes 3-13 mental errors in bed but plays decent defense. Balkman? Probably too stoned to get it up.
Yeah, I don't even know why I asked Adrian, everyone knows it's Ty Lawson.. he's adorable.
Which brings me to my next point Adrian, did Ty Lawson have sex with your wife?
Ty Lawson is averaging 20.4 minutes a game this year. It was probably higher than that too, until you took over.
Since being healed off his shoulder injury (8 games), you have played him over 20 minutes twice. A majority of the 20 minutes while being blown out by Dallas, and 28 minutes that sparked the nuggets comeback vs. the Clippers. The other six games' box score show Lawson playing 8, 3, 0, 8, 4, and 9 minutes chronologically.
I don't get it. It kind of goes back to why I'm so frustrated right with you right now Adrian. Just do what George Karl did!! We are talking about a National Champion, first round pick, widely viewed all-rookie all star team snub, that was playing near 25 minutes a game for a contender... and you cut off his playing time like he's Renaldo Balkman.
Look Adrian, just put your problems with him aside for the championship. I understand it was probably shocking walking in to find your backup point guard balls deep in Mrs. Dantley, but this is not your team, this is not your decision, you are in no position to let your emotions get in the way of a city and teams dreams.
How old is Malik Allen Adrian?
ESPN has him listed at 31, but have him throw on a bath robe and some slippers and he looks like my 50 year old black neighbor that lives down the street... wait a minute.. ???.. nah.. can't be. But he moves like he's 50 though too.
If you knew you were gonna be in a back alley-you might die-fight, who is the one person you would take with you Adrian?
I know who I'd take. Kenyon Martin. I'm giving the Alternate to Fedor Emelianenko. I know, MMA guy is freaking out right now, (all 3 of you) but I just feel like in the end, if things get sticky, Kenyon Martin may or may not be packing heat, and he'd know what to do with the gun after so no one could tie it back to us. I don't want to die Adrian, and if that neck tattoo doesn't strike fear into the hearts of my enemies, I don't think a pudgy white guy would either.
And that's what the Nugget's are missing right now too. Carmelo is never going to be a great defender, so when his man inevitably drives by him, someone has to be there to pick up the slack. The problem is, no one in the paint has the audacity, or balls, to lay the wood once in a while. Remember the Dallas playoff series last year? The series was over when Dirk blew by Carmelo only to find himself on the receiving end of a K-Mart forearm shiver as he drove to the basket. Dirk didn't want to go to the paint the rest of the series. That's one less seven-footer rebounding the Nuggets had to worry about. I'm looking forward to seeing him back.
All in all, there's no other basketball team I'd rather be a fan of Adrian...
Name me the contenders and I'll find you a reason I'd rather be a Nuggets fan. The Cavs? Even Cavs fans aren't Cavs fans, they're "Lebron please don't go" fans.... like poor kids just waiting for dad to walk out again.
Laker fan? No thanks, sure they travel well, but that's only because they are all bandwagoners. All of them. Think about a Laker fan you know, does he flaunt it excessively? does he yell "kobe" every time he shoots anything from a piece of trash to a ping pong ball in beer pong? does he wear baggy jeans, stunner shades, and walk with an unearned arrogant limp? do people that hang out with him generally think of him as a douche but let him hang out anyway cause he's harmless? do you think he's a Laker fan because he's never won anything in his life so he picked the Lakers because they usually have the best team? Bandwagoner. I mean it's either that or they are illegal immigrants that picked the Lakers for all the same reasons... bandwagoners.
Celtic fan? sorta like Laker fan, except with red-hair and a likes-to-fight because my team is too old attitude.
Mavs? Being a fan of this team is being a fan of the biggest choke artists in the city of Dallas.. and that's saying something. (foreshadowing)
Utah? too mormon
Orlando? I'd rather go to Disney World
Ask around Adrian, talk to some of your basketball friends from around the nation, I guarantee you while they may rib you about the Nuggets not winning championships, the Nugs are just a cool team to support. Our team is consisted of badass players that are fun to watch. If you could just chill out with Carmelo or Lebron, who would you rather hang out with? I'd say you have a better time smokin a j with 'melo. That's part of the Nuggets appeal, the team is fallible. We endure the trials and tribulations because we are Nuggets fans, and that's what it means to be a Nuggets fan.
I thought it was ironic when I heard you had a Kidney stone Adrian, because in a way, that's what I think about you. There has just been something way off since you took over on the bench. I'm not sure if it's the "touch of grey" just for men's gel you use. Watching assistant-assistant coach Chad Iske draw up your inbounds plays, or just our win-loss record that makes me eager for the day Karl returns. But like a Kidney stone, however painful and uncomfortable it is while it's temporarily stuck in the bladder, you, like this kidney stone... shall pass.
I know this turned a little harsh at the end Adrian, and it's not that I don't respect you as a person. Your jersey is hung in the Utah rafters... that's pretty good I guess. But really, I think we should just remain friends. We tried taking this whole basketball relationship to the next level, and it's just not working for me. After all this it might be difficult to go back to the way things were, but if we are going to have any kind of relationship at all, it has to be this way. I hope you can understand and know that there will always be a special place in my heart for you. We've had so many memories = ) and I hope we can have some more in the future.
God bless your heart Adrian, but stay away from my basketball team.
Never and never will be yours,
lance
(twitter: freelanceword)
Hey, it's been a while.. you know I've just been so busy lately. What with a new job, the bars, and everything that comes with it I just feel like we haven't had a quality opportunity to, you know, just talk.
I've got to tell you I'm writing to you at a really emotional time in my life right now. So many things going on at one time. I find myself giddy as a schoolgirl one minute only to find myself as depressed as Kurt Cobain the next. I saw a commercial where, I'm guessing in a shout out to Jesus Christ, Nike resurrects Earl Woods from the dead to give Tiger Woods a lecture. Boy Adrian, sometimes I wonder what is considered shameless or shameful anymore. Are the chicks that Tiger slept with, or a man who sells his dead father's voice to get his fan base back, bigger money grubbing whores?
What's the meaning of life Adrian?
It hasn't been all weird like that though. My old friend Todd Helton and his friends came into town this week. I love those guys and I think we can really do some big things together. I even had a one night stand! :-P Can you believe that? Me, a one night stand... I don't even know her name but I think her last name was Butler! I think everyone knew in the end it wasn't going anywhere but it was phun while it lasted! hehe.
With the highs have also come the lows however. I feel like this rings true for you more than anyone. This is really why I've been meaning to write to you Adrian. Sometimes when you get caught up in the rat race of life you forget to check your emotional equilibrium. You forget some things that are really important to you.
Do you think about death Adrian?
Whenever I think about our good friend George Karl getting his face blasted with radiation I wonder if I'll ever smile again. It's hard to know that someone you respect and admire is going through such a difficult time. I think it's important to keep his spirit alive by doing some of the things he would do. You know, what with his important role with the Nuggets and city of Denver's championship aspirations, there is alot hanging in the balance. I mean I know it's not like dealing with a kidney stone but, what is?
I feel like I need to be honest with you Adrian. I've had a lot of time to think about this and I feel like if our relationship is going to go to the next level, I need to get some things off my chest.
What in the name of God are you doing Adrian?
Seriously, isn't all you have to do is do exactly what George Karl has done all season? Karl coached his last game March 13, and since then, you have lead the Nuggies to 6-6. Notable losses include Home against Milwakee, at Houston, and at New freakin' York. We're in a battle for playoff seeding here Adrian! I know some guys are banged up, but I know what George Karl would do, and I could do it with three damn kidney stones.
Where is the ball movement Adrian?
The Nuggets average 21 assists per game. Now, that only ranks the Nuggets 17th in the league but you certainly aren't helping the average. Starting with the loss at home against Milwakee (past 9 games), the Nuggets have been held under their season assist average 5 times. Assist totals in those games? 13,15, 18,12,14. Can you guess what the outcome of those games were? In fact, as a whole, the Nuggets have dropped to 19 Assists per game under your watch. btw, That would rank 27th in the league, Adrian.
I understand you're currently coaching the team, not running point, but who else is there to blame? You still have Chanucey Billups, and Kenyon Martin and Chris Andersen are not guards.
Which Nugget gets the most/hottest chicks Adrian?
I know it's naive, but I just feel like 'Melo and Chauncey are one-woman men.
Afflalo? eh.. too shy. Nene probably has the Brazilian connection.. that could be nice, but he's 6'11".. that's probably pretty scary. Kenyon seems like he loves the ghetto booty, and will fuck your ass up if you tell anyone. That leaves us with the reserves. Earl Smith III seems like he likes to make it rain on strippers. You know Birdman loves the white-trash... and Johan Petro? French connection but looks like the missing link.
I think we can safely rule out Malik Allen and Joey Graham as I'm sure 90% of the ladies would say "who?" when you told them their names. (and they deserve it too) Anthony Carter probably makes 3-13 mental errors in bed but plays decent defense. Balkman? Probably too stoned to get it up.
Yeah, I don't even know why I asked Adrian, everyone knows it's Ty Lawson.. he's adorable.
Which brings me to my next point Adrian, did Ty Lawson have sex with your wife?
Ty Lawson is averaging 20.4 minutes a game this year. It was probably higher than that too, until you took over.
Since being healed off his shoulder injury (8 games), you have played him over 20 minutes twice. A majority of the 20 minutes while being blown out by Dallas, and 28 minutes that sparked the nuggets comeback vs. the Clippers. The other six games' box score show Lawson playing 8, 3, 0, 8, 4, and 9 minutes chronologically.
I don't get it. It kind of goes back to why I'm so frustrated right with you right now Adrian. Just do what George Karl did!! We are talking about a National Champion, first round pick, widely viewed all-rookie all star team snub, that was playing near 25 minutes a game for a contender... and you cut off his playing time like he's Renaldo Balkman.
Look Adrian, just put your problems with him aside for the championship. I understand it was probably shocking walking in to find your backup point guard balls deep in Mrs. Dantley, but this is not your team, this is not your decision, you are in no position to let your emotions get in the way of a city and teams dreams.
How old is Malik Allen Adrian?
ESPN has him listed at 31, but have him throw on a bath robe and some slippers and he looks like my 50 year old black neighbor that lives down the street... wait a minute.. ???.. nah.. can't be. But he moves like he's 50 though too.
If you knew you were gonna be in a back alley-you might die-fight, who is the one person you would take with you Adrian?
I know who I'd take. Kenyon Martin. I'm giving the Alternate to Fedor Emelianenko. I know, MMA guy is freaking out right now, (all 3 of you) but I just feel like in the end, if things get sticky, Kenyon Martin may or may not be packing heat, and he'd know what to do with the gun after so no one could tie it back to us. I don't want to die Adrian, and if that neck tattoo doesn't strike fear into the hearts of my enemies, I don't think a pudgy white guy would either.
And that's what the Nugget's are missing right now too. Carmelo is never going to be a great defender, so when his man inevitably drives by him, someone has to be there to pick up the slack. The problem is, no one in the paint has the audacity, or balls, to lay the wood once in a while. Remember the Dallas playoff series last year? The series was over when Dirk blew by Carmelo only to find himself on the receiving end of a K-Mart forearm shiver as he drove to the basket. Dirk didn't want to go to the paint the rest of the series. That's one less seven-footer rebounding the Nuggets had to worry about. I'm looking forward to seeing him back.
All in all, there's no other basketball team I'd rather be a fan of Adrian...
Name me the contenders and I'll find you a reason I'd rather be a Nuggets fan. The Cavs? Even Cavs fans aren't Cavs fans, they're "Lebron please don't go" fans.... like poor kids just waiting for dad to walk out again.
Laker fan? No thanks, sure they travel well, but that's only because they are all bandwagoners. All of them. Think about a Laker fan you know, does he flaunt it excessively? does he yell "kobe" every time he shoots anything from a piece of trash to a ping pong ball in beer pong? does he wear baggy jeans, stunner shades, and walk with an unearned arrogant limp? do people that hang out with him generally think of him as a douche but let him hang out anyway cause he's harmless? do you think he's a Laker fan because he's never won anything in his life so he picked the Lakers because they usually have the best team? Bandwagoner. I mean it's either that or they are illegal immigrants that picked the Lakers for all the same reasons... bandwagoners.
Celtic fan? sorta like Laker fan, except with red-hair and a likes-to-fight because my team is too old attitude.
Mavs? Being a fan of this team is being a fan of the biggest choke artists in the city of Dallas.. and that's saying something. (foreshadowing)
Utah? too mormon
Orlando? I'd rather go to Disney World
Ask around Adrian, talk to some of your basketball friends from around the nation, I guarantee you while they may rib you about the Nuggets not winning championships, the Nugs are just a cool team to support. Our team is consisted of badass players that are fun to watch. If you could just chill out with Carmelo or Lebron, who would you rather hang out with? I'd say you have a better time smokin a j with 'melo. That's part of the Nuggets appeal, the team is fallible. We endure the trials and tribulations because we are Nuggets fans, and that's what it means to be a Nuggets fan.
I thought it was ironic when I heard you had a Kidney stone Adrian, because in a way, that's what I think about you. There has just been something way off since you took over on the bench. I'm not sure if it's the "touch of grey" just for men's gel you use. Watching assistant-assistant coach Chad Iske draw up your inbounds plays, or just our win-loss record that makes me eager for the day Karl returns. But like a Kidney stone, however painful and uncomfortable it is while it's temporarily stuck in the bladder, you, like this kidney stone... shall pass.
I know this turned a little harsh at the end Adrian, and it's not that I don't respect you as a person. Your jersey is hung in the Utah rafters... that's pretty good I guess. But really, I think we should just remain friends. We tried taking this whole basketball relationship to the next level, and it's just not working for me. After all this it might be difficult to go back to the way things were, but if we are going to have any kind of relationship at all, it has to be this way. I hope you can understand and know that there will always be a special place in my heart for you. We've had so many memories = ) and I hope we can have some more in the future.
God bless your heart Adrian, but stay away from my basketball team.
Never and never will be yours,
lance
(twitter: freelanceword)
Friday, March 26, 2010
Pussy Cat Woods Gets Real
Tom Rinaldi, a reporter with ESPN, had the privelege to have a five minute, standing up?, interview with Tiger Woods as he prepares for his post infidelity golf debut. For context: here's a transcript of the real interview.
And here is the interview where Tiger gets real:
Rinaldi: What's the difference between the man who left Augusta national a year ago and the one who is about to return?
Woods: The amount of sex this man is having. Think about that Rinaldi. You've seen the text messages. I was tellin' porn stars I was going to choke them out while they beg for my blasian wang. And that's just the stuff that's in the public. Think about voluptous booty being a dial away one minute, to being as sexually appealing as Tom Rinaldi the next. Whoops, my bad dog. But you know what I'm saying. What's the difference between the man that left Augusta a year ago and the one that is about to return? The one that returns is a publically emasculated version of the former, because he got caught for the "bad things" that he did.
Rinaldi: For a lot of people, the spark of those bad things is Nov. 27. Early that day, what happened?
Woods: Well, it's all in the police report. Beyond that, everything's between Elin and myself and that's private.
Rinaldi: Why did you lose control of the car?
Woods: As I said ... that's between Elin and myself.
Rinaldi: If it's a private matter, why issue a public apology?
Woods: Touche 'Naldi, can I call you 'Naldi?
Rinaldi: No. It's ri-naldi, Quit stalling..
Woods: Ah 'Naldi you impertinent old coon! Clock awareness! Is the time left on your five minute shot clock dwindling? You know it's a funny story, I was originally sayin', "eh, let ol' 'Naldi have at me for ten minutes, I gave his wife an hour" but then my caddy....
Rinaldi: Mr. Woods please! Mrs. Rinaldi is an upstanding and virtouous woman! It's Ri-naldi! And..Quit.. Stalling!
Woods: Alright, alright I'm sorry. Look if you want to know the truth, it was another poor cooking performance by Elin on Thanksgiving. I've always told her we can just pay that dude from Hell's Kitchen to cook us up something, but on the holidays, she insists for tradition's sake. So I choked down the undercooked meal and started to feel sick shortly thereafter. I was making a latenight run to Walgreens to get me some TUMS when all of a sudden I felt lightheaded. Next thing I remember Elin is going Albert Pujols on MY Escalade with MY golf club. Whether it was the fart I blew when she asked me how her food tasted, or some other uncovered transgressions that made her go apey, I don't know.
As for the apology... just tryin' to save as many sponsors as I can brother.
Rinaldi: You've said you've made transgressions. How would you, in your own words, describe the depth of your infidelity?
Woods: Well, apparently just one is, is enough. And obviously that wasn't the case, what can I say 'Naldi...
Rinaldi: Ri-naldi..
Woods: ...I got caught.. And as I've said, I've hurt so many people, and so many people I have to make amends to, and that's going to take living a life of amends. Tiger Wood's sponsorships weren't built in a day, it's important to remember that.
Rinaldi: You said you were in treatment. The simple question is, for what?
Woods: That's a private matter as well. But have you ever read the book "A Clockwork Orange?" I can tell you what, it was tough, it was really tough to look at yourself in a light that you never want to look at yourself, that's pretty brutal.
Rinaldi: What'd you see?
Woods: Blackheads! A person I never thought I would become.
Rinaldi: Who was that?
Woods: Someone who doesn't exfoliate.
Rinaldi: Why not seek treatment before all of this came out?
Woods: Well, I didn't know I was that bad. I didn't know that I was that bad.
Rinaldi: How did you learn that? How did you learn it?
Woods: Stripping away denial, rationalization. You strip all that away and you find the truth. Really all I had to do was take a hard look in the mirror. It goes to show you, just because you're black, does not mean you're immune to nature's oily irritants, the blackhead.
Rinaldi: How do you reconcile your behavior with your view of marriage?
Woods: How do I what with my whatcha? 'Naldi baby...
Rinaldi: Ri-naldi...
Woods: ...isn't it obvious that my view of marriage is nothing more than another part in the construction of a psuedo-image that would result in making me the most amount of money? Look, my entire life growing up I've been told that I either am, or will be the greatest. No woman has ever liked me because of my personality. Shit, the only reason I have a personality right now is because some chump with nothing else to do is writing me one. My jokes suck, seniors can play my sport, and I might not even be that attractive without the large amounts of cash that compliment all the aforementioned. Would women have been as impressed with the mental toughness and tunnel vision focus I display on the golf course if it was demonstrated as a mid-level corporate accountant? Women have always viewed me as an object, so they've always been objects to me. Marriage? You kiddin' me? Marriage? Accenture, Gillette, and Buick pay double to married men than what they do 30-something year-old playboys.
Rinaldi: Given all that's happened, what's your measure of success at Augusta?
Woods: Well, playing is one thing. I'm excited to get back and play. I'm excited to get to see the guys again...
Rinaldi: I'm sure the "guys" are really excited to see you too Tiger...
Woods: (cough, cough) Yeah, I really miss a lot of my friends out there. I miss competing. But still, you play to win. There are two constants in modern golf Tom, Tiger winning majors, and Phil Mickelson choking them. The sport just isn't as fun to watch with only the latter happening.
Rinaldi: What reception are you expecting from fans?
Woods: Who the hell knows? Luckily, I'm playing at the sheltered cocoon that is Augusta and the Masters. Regardless of the reception, I have once again outdone myself. (Rinaldi stares confused) Please, allow me to explain simply: The only reason people watch golf is because of me, and now, even people that didn't care about golf or me before, will at very least be paying attention now. Conspiracy theorists might be investigating which PGA tour exec is providing me with blowjobs after this is all done, but we all know it's only Mrs. Rinaldi...
Rinaldi: ...stop it..
Woods: (laughing hysterically) I can't help myself!
Rinaldi: But seriously, how much do you care?
Woods: I honestly care more than you think 'Naldo..
Rinaldi: "'Naldo" now?
Woods: Yeah, like Renaldo Balkman..
Rinaldi: (sigh) anyway..
Woods: I really do care, because at the heart of it, the way the crowd reacts will affect the way I react to the whole thing. I'm not sure how this will all play out, but I can foresee myself playing with a very different set of emotions depending on whether gallery makes me a sympathetic figure vs. making it Tiger against the world..
Rinaldi: Eleven months ago, here at Isleworth, I asked you, 'How well does the world know you?' What's your answer to that now?
Woods: A lot better now. I was living a life of a lie. I really was. And I was doing a lot of things, like I said, that hurt a lot of people. And stripping away denial and rationalization you start coming to the truth of who you really are and that can be very ugly. But then again, when you face it and you start conquering it and you start living up to it. The strength that I feel now, I've never felt that type of strength.
Rinaldi: In the last four months, Tiger, what's been the low point?
Woods: Mrs. Rinaldi for sure! or that Perkins waitress... walked right into that one 'Naldo
Rinaldi: Ugh, looks like 'Naldo did..
Rinaldi: What was your wife's reaction when you sat down and had that first conversation?
Woods: Eh, I think she was cool with it.
Rinaldi: ... really?
Woods: Fuck no 'Naldi! What do you think, what kind of stupid question was that?
Rinaldi: There are no stupid questions..
Woods: Just stupid people.
Rinaldi: You're the one that got caught.
Woods: Easy 'Naldo, how much time we got left?
Rinaldi: (quickening his pace) I ask this question respectfully, but of course at a distance from your family life. When you look at it now, why did you get married?
Woods: Why? Because she was the hottest..
Rinaldi: You Asshole.
Woods: That's what she said.
I'm not sure if this was just to entertain myself at the humorous notion of Tiger Woods actually getting real with the the world, or just what I wanted to hear him say.
I think more than anything, had the five minute conversation gone the way I wrote it, I would have at least liked Tiger Woods. To me, it would have shown that Tiger Woods actually changed from all this. The "real" conversation showed everyone paying attention nothing. If anything, Tiger demonstrated fundamentally, he is the same person he was before the world blew up.
My problem with Tiger Woods isn't that he slept around with porn stars (you couldn't do better than that Tiger?) while married. Really, the only people that should be offended is his wife and his sexual standards. Tiger does not play for a team, he does not represent a country or city. If this ends up negatively affecting his golf game, it has no effect on anyone but himself. Normally I wouldn't even give an opinion regarding the personal lives of athletes. Let's keep it to the sports people. But this on the other hand, is unique.
The only possible explanation for society's vested interest is that said society feels lied to. We were all sold an "image" that was rooted in one of the most famous father-son relationships. A wholesome relationship between a multi-racial family that managed to stay down to earth while being one of the most recognizable figures in the world. I guess it was somehow inspiration to all the other weaklings around the globe that if Tiger can do it, damnit so can we.
Charles Barkley and Michael Jordan will tell you Tiger Woods doesn't owe anyone an apology save the people he directly hurt. Correct. And the fact that he did, and more importantly the way he did, shows that Tiger really hasn't changed for anyone's benefit.
The way I see it Tiger had two options after Elin practiced her golf swing on Tiger's face. One, own it, tell the world in essence, it is what it is, none of your business, and continue to be the alpha-male, ultra-dominant force on the golf course and wait until everyone remembers you're the greatest golfer of all time again. Or two, put yourself in sex rehab, stock up on Burt's Bee's lip balm, and kiss everyone's ass until you have convinced them that you've changed, or your lips become too dry, whichever comes first.
We all know which path he chose, and I don't know about you but it doesn't satisfy me at all. We have already deduced that the root of everyone's outrage stemmed from the fact that we were all force-fed an image predicated on contrived truths.. that turned out to be lies. Now, the Tiger Woods reconciliation tour has done nothing but presented us a scripted statement, and a five minute, I'm not going to answer all of your questions, interview. Tiger is going to continue to go to sex-rehabilitation! SEX REHABILITATION! The bigger story SHOULD be Tiger's connection to a doctor under suspicion of illegally prescribing HGH and other performance enhancing drugs to athletes. I'm not offended that a rich, powerful golfer slept around on his wife, I'm offended that I'm still being sold the same made-up public relations bullshit that we all bought before this all went down.
So to me, Tiger hasn't changed. If facing public humiliation head-on can't make you get real with everyone, I guess nothing can. We should all be able to see whats going on. We know what happened on Thanksgiving. We know what kind of treatment he's getting. The only real questions now stem from Tiger's performance on the golf course. Now that Tiger is rebuilding his image and won't be swearing or throwing clubs, can Pussy Cat Woods turn on the competitive alpha-male attitude like MJ and Ali? (I don't think so) How many major championship wins before everyone forgets about it and Tiger starts dating Jessica Simpson? (One) If Tiger wins this 2010 Masters, will it be one of the greatest individual athletic achievements of all time?
(Yes)
(Twitter: freelanceword)
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Assosiation Observations
... and we're back. Pump up this jam..
Bless me Father for i have sinned, it's been exactly one month since my last confession...
As you start to get amped up from the genius that is John Tesh, his puffy shrited guitarist, and his war admiral violinist, be reminded of big business's crushing effect on creativity. I've got some things to get off my chest.
- First off, I'm not worried about it.
Call me overly optimistic, call me a fool, but when the Nuggets drop games to the likes of Washington, Minnesota, Sacramento, I'm just really not worried about it. Are the Nuggets going for the best record in the league... or to win a championship?
In the last ten years here's how the NBA Champions finished in overall record standings:
2001: Los Angeles Lakers (56-26: tied for 2nd overall)
2002: Los Angeles Lakers (58-24: tied for 2nd overall)
2003: San Antonio Spurs (60-22 tied for 1st)
2004: Detroit Pistons (54-28: 6th overall)
2005: San Antonio Spurs (59-23: 3rd overall)
2006: Miami Heat (52-30: 5th overall)
2007: San Antonio Spurs (58-24: 3rd overall)
2008: Boston Celtics (66-16: 1st overall)
2009: Los Angeles Lakers (65-17: 2nd overall)
2010: ???
So there it is. According the the trending of the last decade, the team with the best record in the NBA at the end of the season wins a championship about once every five years. So if you're asking me if I'm worried about losing to the Washington Wizards on the second game of a road trip back-to-back... Not when we beat the Cavaliers the night before. I guess my championship dreams would be dampened a little bit if we had a seven game series with Sacramento (nugs are 2-2 against this season) or the Wiz (1-1 this season).... but it's much more probable the Nugs in the end, go through the Utah Jazz (3-1 this season), Boston Celtics (1-0), Orlando Magic (1-0), Los Angeles Lakers (2-1) or Cleveland Cavaliers (2-0).
So I know it's frustrating to watch the Nugs not play up to their championship potential every night but... I'm about as worried about it as falling into a gorge of stampeding wildebeast Mufasa style. Keep your best record in the NBA Lebron, and your team of role players.
...And that goes for the 2 seed as well. The league has watched Utah make it's run to pull within a half game of the Nuggets... now they're three games back. Dallas went on a 13 game win streak against teams that currently should be playing in the college NIT tournament... and they are still a half game back. If you're feeling a little nervous about any of these teams, take a sip of Jack Daniels, close your eyes, and come to the realization that the Nuggets have gone 8-2 in their last 10 games while playing Johan Petro instead of Kenyon Martin, and Anthony Carter instead of Tywon Lawson. See you in the Conference Finals Lake Show.
- The thing about john mayer...
So, I decide I want my face melted by a some guitar virtuosos. In the name of haste I quickly type Jimi Hendrix into my iTunes song search. Shift + end. Select all. Drag into "untitled playlist 3." I quickly type "White Stripes" next into my song search. Shift + end. Select all. Drag into "untitled playlist 3." And there it is, I'm a "shuffle" and a "play" away from my personal guitar listening nirvana.
Buzz Killington.. thy name is john mayer.
..and he affects all three parts of my psyche. (start rollin' in that grave Mr. Freud)
My "id" is fightin' mad:
I want names. Let's be clear about this. I did NOT put john mayer in my untitled guitar super playlist. Which means someone did.
Without getting into the gory details of the embarrassing plots I came up with, I finally retrace my steps, and deduce that 5 john mayer songs are listed when one types the letters "Jimi Hendrix" in the iTunes search bar.
Jimi. Hendrix.
Not only is this an intrusion into my (sedated) state of listening, but an actual association between the greatest guitar player of all time.. and some cheap romantic comedy interpretation..
So who wants to go? I'll throw down right now. Someone, in some cubicle, decided to program john mayer's songs to pop up when Jimi was typed into a search window. It was then OK'd by that someone's manager, which was OK'd by another manager. So either it is the greatest line of stupidity since Millen's draft choices, or the greatest disregard of Sarbanes-Oxely and it's rules of delegation of responsibility, since Arthur Andersen and Enron. Either way, when I see a song titled "slow dancing in a burning room" someone has to pay...
My "ego" understands ladies...
I just don't want to have sex with john mayer.
And it's totally cool that you do. After I saw Jessica Simpson fat in the mom jeans, I would have only hooked up with her for the story... After being described as "sexual napalm" (what does that even mean?) by John Mayer? I might be ready to sacrifice a body part for the opportunity.
Look, I just treat john mayer the same way I treat popular movies like "The Notebook." Try and stay away, unless it ends up getting me laid, then I'll choke through it. Really, as a cockbearing, ball dangling, red-blooded, heterosexual man.. isn't that all you can ask for?
So I'm cool with john mayer being a successful "mucisian." I'm cool with the fact that he hooks up with girls I can only fantasize about. I'm even cool with the fact that he thinks he's keeping the blues alive... wait no I'm not..
But come on...
My "Superego" and yours are realists...
Just don't put him in the same association with James Marshall Hendrix. It's just unfair to both of them.
I know the question is, why do you have john mayer on your itunes to begin with? A valid concern of which i can only point to my recent collection of music from a number of people. mayer has since been promptly removed.
anyway...
You can't compare the aforementioned "notebook's" plot to that of an "Amadeus." Don't give me the, just cause it's made for women, doesn't mean it sucks. Yes, it does. There is something to be said about this taste. There more women that like "Godfather" then there are men that like "twilight?" Why is that?
Exactly.
This is why I'm offended with the association. I'm even more offended that john mayer probably thinks this association is fair. So maybe I didn't do the best job explaining why I do not like john mayer. I know he hangs out with "cool guys" like rob dyrdrek and the like... but..
.
I just don't want to have sex with john mayer.
- This one's.... for George...
Now I'm not trying to make light of a potentially life threatening situation... but... did someone say rally time?
The bad news of course: George Karl has to suffer through roughly 6 weeks of chemotherapy, can barely talk, and is missing more games than anticipated when this was first announced.
The good news: It's highly treatable, and possibly more influential...
First off, cancer patients have another famous person to rally behind, and if that inspires even a little bit of hope, awesome. Second, and less importantly, the Nuggets players have a "cliche sports movie moment" that could provide a reservoir of inspiration when the inevitable moment of adversity stares them in the face. Queue the dramatic high string violins..
Maybe this is what gets J.R. Smith to listen to George.. if only once. Maybe this is what motivates the Nugs to hold their defense in the final fluerry of game winning shot attempts by Kobe Bryant. Maybe this is what focuses Carmelo Anthony that much more when the ball is in his hands with the game on the line. When George Karl is hoisted... ok maybe forklifted... onto the shoulders of a championship Nuggets team, who wants the movie rights?
More seriously, wouldn't you be more worried if Chauncey Billups wasn't already the coach on the floor? Ever since he got here we've acknowledged George Karl's seemingly good system, but it was never put into practice until the Nugs heard it come from Chauncey's mouth.... I ain't worried about it. Live Strong George.
- Earl Smith III
There should really be a conscious effort to publicly change J.R.'s name to it's original intended "Earl." There is not a more badass nickname in all the league than the "Earl of Swish."
Also, remember when J.R. was slumping? Yeah, not anymore. Before the All-Star break, J.R was shooting 22% from 3 point range. Now, the season average is back up to 34%. Please remember this next season when JR inevitably gets off to a slow start, prompting trade rumors at the deadline, all of you agreeing with the rumors, and then watching JR transform back into Earl in the second half of the season. Thanks.
- New NBA Jam 2010
EA Sports has announced the return of the NBA Jam franchise that captivated video gamers like me back in the 90's.
For those of you who have no context. This was 90's basketball arcade game in which you would play with NBA teams of two (maybe John Stockton and Karl Malone was your favorite Jazz combo, or John Starks and Patrick Ewing got you fired up) against each other. This is the pop culture reference that brought "on fire" into the game of beer pong people. This is no chump asteroids game, this is ingrained into the fabric of society.
So, the real question is. With the setup expected to be 2 on 2 with one sub. Who are your three Denver Nuggets?
Obviously Carmelo Anthony (with cornrows hopefully) gets the start, which leaves two others.
My nominees:
Earl Smith III: In a game reliant on dunks and 3 pointers, how can you not include him. In fact, Earl Smith III might be the greatest NBA Jam player on the planet. hmmm...
Birdman: Got to have a place for the shotblocking white man.
Kenyon Martin: Shotblocker and dunker... though i must say I would lean towards a virtual birdman...
Ty Lawson: Transition game is key... if you can outrun everyone down the floor, then huck up the alley-oop? can you be stopped?
(feedback needed)
- The All-Glen Davis Team
Everyone else can dish out awards. Why can't I?
To be included on the "all-Glen Davis" team you must acheive one thing primarily. The committee of one must despise you. But not without reason!
1. Have some physical characteristic that enables a certain style of play. (example: glen davis's fat ass prohibiting high jumping)
2. Have some personality trait off the court that is annoying. (example: glen davis trying to change his nickname from "big baby" to "uno uno" upon the first suggestion from a reporter)
3. Be a notorious "flopper." (example: glen davis vs. brad miller in the playoffs last year.)
4. Must not be that good/overrated.
5. Be rewarded by extended contracts, traded for, or playing time for all of the above.
2009-2010 All-Glen Davis team:
G: Kevin Martin: Houston Rockets.
If you're wondering how a girl would play in the NBA, watch Kevin Martin. From his slight frame, to his flops he is the most frustrating player to watch because, he's not really that good, and the refs have a happy whistle. He even shoots like a girl. Rockets gave up Carl Landry and draft picks at the deadline to acquire him.
G: JJ Barea: Dallas Mavericks
Is it Jose Juan, Juan Jose, Jose Ole? Regardless, it doesn't flow off the tongue, and is so annoying I refuse to look it up. Like a little gnat all he does is hustle and irritate. He gets paid more than Ty Lawson, and will always remain the poor man's version of said.
F: Glen Davis: Boston Celtics
How could Glen Davis not make his own all-team?
F: Lebron James: Cleveland Cava... alright alright... Drew Gooden: Washington Wizards
The seasoned veteran of the all-glen davis team. I'm not sure what exactly made me hate him the most. His clanky jumpshot, his un-athleticism, or that hair patch he once sported on an otherwise bald head with the Cleveland Cavaliers. Despite all of this, eight teams have signed him to their roster, only to realize the aforementioned, and then dumped him. I swear GM's don't watch basketball games.
C: Emeka Okafur: New Orleans Hornets
If 6'9" center doesn't say it, I don't know what does.Remember, that this is who Jordan drafted number 1 over Dwight Howard. .. (brain fart)
(submit nominations if you've got em)
- Michael Jordan will be a good owner so long as...
All he does is write checks.
MJ owning a team in the league is good for the NBA. Especially since he vows to revamp the image of the franchise, including a makeover of the sweet nickname the "bobcats" (grrrrr..they're gonna get ya!) Jordan is too rich and lazy to be a GM, so what do you do if you are too rich and lazy? own a sports franchise of course. Do work your airness.
- Anthony Carter = Gollum from Lord of the Rings
I channel my inner nerd and remember this quote from Gandalf in Lord of the Rings regarding the creature Gollum:
"Do not be too eager to deal out death in judgment. Even the very wise cannot see all ends. My heart tells me that Gollum has some part to play yet, for good or ill, before this is over."
I hear that white wizard. Before this is all said and done, our bumbling back-up, back-up, point guard will play some role in the outcome of the Nuggets title aspirations. Yet, if it's a timely three, or a pass out of bounds remains to be seen.
- "The Eiffel Tower"
The best nickname I've heard to describe Johan Petro. Credit Jerry Pie.
- It feels good to be back
Your humble writer is all corporate now. Recent cash influx has taken me away from this and to a month long period of hedonism. I'll get it back. Follow me on twitter: freelanceword for some of that business. Thanks for reading.
- Carmelo Anthony is the best player in the league.
Yeah I said it. 28 pts 18 rbs if you need it...
Bless me Father for i have sinned, it's been exactly one month since my last confession...
As you start to get amped up from the genius that is John Tesh, his puffy shrited guitarist, and his war admiral violinist, be reminded of big business's crushing effect on creativity. I've got some things to get off my chest.
- First off, I'm not worried about it.
Call me overly optimistic, call me a fool, but when the Nuggets drop games to the likes of Washington, Minnesota, Sacramento, I'm just really not worried about it. Are the Nuggets going for the best record in the league... or to win a championship?
In the last ten years here's how the NBA Champions finished in overall record standings:
2001: Los Angeles Lakers (56-26: tied for 2nd overall)
2002: Los Angeles Lakers (58-24: tied for 2nd overall)
2003: San Antonio Spurs (60-22 tied for 1st)
2004: Detroit Pistons (54-28: 6th overall)
2005: San Antonio Spurs (59-23: 3rd overall)
2006: Miami Heat (52-30: 5th overall)
2007: San Antonio Spurs (58-24: 3rd overall)
2008: Boston Celtics (66-16: 1st overall)
2009: Los Angeles Lakers (65-17: 2nd overall)
2010: ???
So there it is. According the the trending of the last decade, the team with the best record in the NBA at the end of the season wins a championship about once every five years. So if you're asking me if I'm worried about losing to the Washington Wizards on the second game of a road trip back-to-back... Not when we beat the Cavaliers the night before. I guess my championship dreams would be dampened a little bit if we had a seven game series with Sacramento (nugs are 2-2 against this season) or the Wiz (1-1 this season).... but it's much more probable the Nugs in the end, go through the Utah Jazz (3-1 this season), Boston Celtics (1-0), Orlando Magic (1-0), Los Angeles Lakers (2-1) or Cleveland Cavaliers (2-0).
So I know it's frustrating to watch the Nugs not play up to their championship potential every night but... I'm about as worried about it as falling into a gorge of stampeding wildebeast Mufasa style. Keep your best record in the NBA Lebron, and your team of role players.
...And that goes for the 2 seed as well. The league has watched Utah make it's run to pull within a half game of the Nuggets... now they're three games back. Dallas went on a 13 game win streak against teams that currently should be playing in the college NIT tournament... and they are still a half game back. If you're feeling a little nervous about any of these teams, take a sip of Jack Daniels, close your eyes, and come to the realization that the Nuggets have gone 8-2 in their last 10 games while playing Johan Petro instead of Kenyon Martin, and Anthony Carter instead of Tywon Lawson. See you in the Conference Finals Lake Show.
- The thing about john mayer...
So, I decide I want my face melted by a some guitar virtuosos. In the name of haste I quickly type Jimi Hendrix into my iTunes song search. Shift + end. Select all. Drag into "untitled playlist 3." I quickly type "White Stripes" next into my song search. Shift + end. Select all. Drag into "untitled playlist 3." And there it is, I'm a "shuffle" and a "play" away from my personal guitar listening nirvana.
Buzz Killington.. thy name is john mayer.
..and he affects all three parts of my psyche. (start rollin' in that grave Mr. Freud)
My "id" is fightin' mad:
I want names. Let's be clear about this. I did NOT put john mayer in my untitled guitar super playlist. Which means someone did.
Without getting into the gory details of the embarrassing plots I came up with, I finally retrace my steps, and deduce that 5 john mayer songs are listed when one types the letters "Jimi Hendrix" in the iTunes search bar.
Jimi. Hendrix.
Not only is this an intrusion into my (sedated) state of listening, but an actual association between the greatest guitar player of all time.. and some cheap romantic comedy interpretation..
So who wants to go? I'll throw down right now. Someone, in some cubicle, decided to program john mayer's songs to pop up when Jimi was typed into a search window. It was then OK'd by that someone's manager, which was OK'd by another manager. So either it is the greatest line of stupidity since Millen's draft choices, or the greatest disregard of Sarbanes-Oxely and it's rules of delegation of responsibility, since Arthur Andersen and Enron. Either way, when I see a song titled "slow dancing in a burning room" someone has to pay...
My "ego" understands ladies...
I just don't want to have sex with john mayer.
Look, I just treat john mayer the same way I treat popular movies like "The Notebook." Try and stay away, unless it ends up getting me laid, then I'll choke through it. Really, as a cockbearing, ball dangling, red-blooded, heterosexual man.. isn't that all you can ask for?
So I'm cool with john mayer being a successful "mucisian." I'm cool with the fact that he hooks up with girls I can only fantasize about. I'm even cool with the fact that he thinks he's keeping the blues alive... wait no I'm not..
But come on...
My "Superego" and yours are realists...
Just don't put him in the same association with James Marshall Hendrix. It's just unfair to both of them.
I know the question is, why do you have john mayer on your itunes to begin with? A valid concern of which i can only point to my recent collection of music from a number of people. mayer has since been promptly removed.
anyway...
You can't compare the aforementioned "notebook's" plot to that of an "Amadeus." Don't give me the, just cause it's made for women, doesn't mean it sucks. Yes, it does. There is something to be said about this taste. There more women that like "Godfather" then there are men that like "twilight?" Why is that?
Exactly.
This is why I'm offended with the association. I'm even more offended that john mayer probably thinks this association is fair. So maybe I didn't do the best job explaining why I do not like john mayer. I know he hangs out with "cool guys" like rob dyrdrek and the like... but..
.
I just don't want to have sex with john mayer.
- This one's.... for George...
Now I'm not trying to make light of a potentially life threatening situation... but... did someone say rally time?
The bad news of course: George Karl has to suffer through roughly 6 weeks of chemotherapy, can barely talk, and is missing more games than anticipated when this was first announced.
The good news: It's highly treatable, and possibly more influential...
First off, cancer patients have another famous person to rally behind, and if that inspires even a little bit of hope, awesome. Second, and less importantly, the Nuggets players have a "cliche sports movie moment" that could provide a reservoir of inspiration when the inevitable moment of adversity stares them in the face. Queue the dramatic high string violins..
Maybe this is what gets J.R. Smith to listen to George.. if only once. Maybe this is what motivates the Nugs to hold their defense in the final fluerry of game winning shot attempts by Kobe Bryant. Maybe this is what focuses Carmelo Anthony that much more when the ball is in his hands with the game on the line. When George Karl is hoisted... ok maybe forklifted... onto the shoulders of a championship Nuggets team, who wants the movie rights?
More seriously, wouldn't you be more worried if Chauncey Billups wasn't already the coach on the floor? Ever since he got here we've acknowledged George Karl's seemingly good system, but it was never put into practice until the Nugs heard it come from Chauncey's mouth.... I ain't worried about it. Live Strong George.
- Earl Smith III
There should really be a conscious effort to publicly change J.R.'s name to it's original intended "Earl." There is not a more badass nickname in all the league than the "Earl of Swish."
Also, remember when J.R. was slumping? Yeah, not anymore. Before the All-Star break, J.R was shooting 22% from 3 point range. Now, the season average is back up to 34%. Please remember this next season when JR inevitably gets off to a slow start, prompting trade rumors at the deadline, all of you agreeing with the rumors, and then watching JR transform back into Earl in the second half of the season. Thanks.
- New NBA Jam 2010
EA Sports has announced the return of the NBA Jam franchise that captivated video gamers like me back in the 90's.
For those of you who have no context. This was 90's basketball arcade game in which you would play with NBA teams of two (maybe John Stockton and Karl Malone was your favorite Jazz combo, or John Starks and Patrick Ewing got you fired up) against each other. This is the pop culture reference that brought "on fire" into the game of beer pong people. This is no chump asteroids game, this is ingrained into the fabric of society.
So, the real question is. With the setup expected to be 2 on 2 with one sub. Who are your three Denver Nuggets?
Obviously Carmelo Anthony (with cornrows hopefully) gets the start, which leaves two others.
My nominees:
Earl Smith III: In a game reliant on dunks and 3 pointers, how can you not include him. In fact, Earl Smith III might be the greatest NBA Jam player on the planet. hmmm...
Birdman: Got to have a place for the shotblocking white man.
Kenyon Martin: Shotblocker and dunker... though i must say I would lean towards a virtual birdman...
Ty Lawson: Transition game is key... if you can outrun everyone down the floor, then huck up the alley-oop? can you be stopped?
(feedback needed)
- The All-Glen Davis Team
Everyone else can dish out awards. Why can't I?
To be included on the "all-Glen Davis" team you must acheive one thing primarily. The committee of one must despise you. But not without reason!
1. Have some physical characteristic that enables a certain style of play. (example: glen davis's fat ass prohibiting high jumping)
2. Have some personality trait off the court that is annoying. (example: glen davis trying to change his nickname from "big baby" to "uno uno" upon the first suggestion from a reporter)
3. Be a notorious "flopper." (example: glen davis vs. brad miller in the playoffs last year.)
4. Must not be that good/overrated.
5. Be rewarded by extended contracts, traded for, or playing time for all of the above.
2009-2010 All-Glen Davis team:
G: Kevin Martin: Houston Rockets.
If you're wondering how a girl would play in the NBA, watch Kevin Martin. From his slight frame, to his flops he is the most frustrating player to watch because, he's not really that good, and the refs have a happy whistle. He even shoots like a girl. Rockets gave up Carl Landry and draft picks at the deadline to acquire him.
G: JJ Barea: Dallas Mavericks
Is it Jose Juan, Juan Jose, Jose Ole? Regardless, it doesn't flow off the tongue, and is so annoying I refuse to look it up. Like a little gnat all he does is hustle and irritate. He gets paid more than Ty Lawson, and will always remain the poor man's version of said.
F: Glen Davis: Boston Celtics
How could Glen Davis not make his own all-team?
F: Lebron James: Cleveland Cava... alright alright... Drew Gooden: Washington Wizards
The seasoned veteran of the all-glen davis team. I'm not sure what exactly made me hate him the most. His clanky jumpshot, his un-athleticism, or that hair patch he once sported on an otherwise bald head with the Cleveland Cavaliers. Despite all of this, eight teams have signed him to their roster, only to realize the aforementioned, and then dumped him. I swear GM's don't watch basketball games.
C: Emeka Okafur: New Orleans Hornets
If 6'9" center doesn't say it, I don't know what does.
(submit nominations if you've got em)
- Michael Jordan will be a good owner so long as...
All he does is write checks.
MJ owning a team in the league is good for the NBA. Especially since he vows to revamp the image of the franchise, including a makeover of the sweet nickname the "bobcats" (grrrrr..they're gonna get ya!) Jordan is too rich and lazy to be a GM, so what do you do if you are too rich and lazy? own a sports franchise of course. Do work your airness.
- Anthony Carter = Gollum from Lord of the Rings
I channel my inner nerd and remember this quote from Gandalf in Lord of the Rings regarding the creature Gollum:
"Do not be too eager to deal out death in judgment. Even the very wise cannot see all ends. My heart tells me that Gollum has some part to play yet, for good or ill, before this is over."
I hear that white wizard. Before this is all said and done, our bumbling back-up, back-up, point guard will play some role in the outcome of the Nuggets title aspirations. Yet, if it's a timely three, or a pass out of bounds remains to be seen.
- "The Eiffel Tower"
The best nickname I've heard to describe Johan Petro. Credit Jerry Pie.
- It feels good to be back
Your humble writer is all corporate now. Recent cash influx has taken me away from this and to a month long period of hedonism. I'll get it back. Follow me on twitter: freelanceword for some of that business. Thanks for reading.
- Carmelo Anthony is the best player in the league.
Yeah I said it. 28 pts 18 rbs if you need it...
Friday, January 22, 2010
NBA Appreciation Day
Pretty much every sports fan is in a subconscious state of pissed off right now. Only the fans of four football teams are truly excited the football season isn't over, while everyone else now has to search for something else to look forward to every week. Last week, it seemed the only thing most people wanted to see was the Cowboys to lose. This week, Manning or Favre to lose. Whether it's the Broncos crumbling after a 6-0 start, firing the defensive coordinator that fixed the defense (what?), or the impending loss of B-marsh, or the humiliation of every losing playoff team this year (minus the Packers)... the mood around sports fan is so bad, it carries an innate depression that only finds joy in rooting for other teams to lose.
It's times like these you find out who is really there for you. I have to admit, maybe the above paragraph was just a reflection of my mood ever since I saw a forty year old man lay a homoerotic beat down of my favorite team. As a sports fan it's hard to come back from that. From Monday to Wednesday I have watched a noticeable increase in Wrangler jean mud-football games and montages of guy on guy ass slapping that makes the Village People music videos seem like straight porn. I go out of my way to avoid American Idol, and everything associated with it, and the quarterback that beat my favorite team brought the brain-cell killing "pants on the ground" to my attention. As I'm reading this, I'm listening to Ed Werder report that upon reviewing the game tape, Brett Farve is surprised of how well Brett Favre is moving on the field.
I watched the Denver Nuggets take on the Golden State Warriors on Wednesday night, and all I can say is...TGI basketball season, TGI Nuggets season.
Let us take a moment to sit back, and appreciate a team we can believe in. A team that doesn't get too much love outside the state of Colorado. Let us take a moment to appreciate the Denver Nuggets.
First off, and maybe the first time ever said by a Nugget fan, I appreciate you Kenyon Martin.....
I appreciate the way you keep the defense together. I appreciate the severity of your dunks. I appreciate the way you stare bitches down. I even appreciate that hideous lips neck tattoo.
Here's the thing that's weird about Kenyon: statistically, this may be his worst season as a Nugget. (excluding '06 season when he only played 2 games) ... nooootttt.
I threw that joke at the end there because that joke's popularity dates back to around the same time Kenyon Martin put up these kind of numbers. Kenyon Martin is hasn't averaged this many rebounds per game since 2003. Stats!
Kenyon Martin's rebounds per game average:
2003: 9.5 (with New Jersey)
2004: 7.3 (with Denver)
2005: 6.3 (with Denver)
*2006: 10.0 (with Denver for only 2 games before he blew his knee..)
2007: 6.5 (with Denver from now on)
2008: 6.0!
2009: 9.1
In fact, Martin is near his 2003 averages in every statistical category with the exception of points per game (16.7 vs 11.4). But that is exactly the point, who needs the points when you have Carmelo Anthony? Further, if we do need the points like, say, when Carmelo, Chauncey, and Birdman were out of the line-up against Golden state on January 6, Kenyon went for 27 points and 13 rebounds, no big. Now don't get me started on how Kenyon Martin gets into the All-Star game in 2003 and won't in 2009, the point is the Nuggets have All-Star Kenyon Martin this year. Remember the only thing you used to talk about K-Mart was the size of his contract? (that's what she said) Now Kiki Vandegwe's "bubble economics" don't seem as bad. I'm not sayin' anything, but the last time Kenyon Martin played like this his team went to the ....
I appreciate you Glen Davis....
Only you can make me hate you more and more each passing day, it's a gift. After Glen Davis got stuffed by the rim, and a couple guards against Toronto, a heckler behind the Celtic's bench started calling him "Chubbs"
and "Fat Boy." (Wish I could claim this as myself) Instead of Glen Davis acting like a grown up, he goes high school girl, flips out, and yells explicatives into the crowd. I can't confirm it but it probably sounded something like (choking back tears) "I'm just tired of people calling me fat you f**king bitches! It's a goddamned glandular problem! You don't even f**king know what I've been through!... gimme a doughnut..."
I appreciate you Chauncey Billups....
If the eight games without you showed Nugget fan anything, it is that an army leaderless is easily defeated. Then again, I can't really tell what's greater... the value of Chauncey on the court, or the value of Anthony Carter on the bench. Irrelevant.. the Denver Nuggets need Chauncey Billups to do anything.
I appreciate that no one watches the Nuggets outside the state of Colorado...
It's the greatest watching national analysis of the Denver Nuggets. One of my favorites is when Charles Barkley or Jalen Rose says "You know, Carmelo Anthony is probably the best pure scorer in the game." .... Ok, what the hell does that mean? The object of the game is to score right? Does that mean he's the best player in the game? If so, why can't you just say that?
It's even humorous reading post game reports or listening to interviews of teams that play the Nuggets. All in the playoffs and after recent matchups with the Lakers, Kobe Bryant has audibly laughed at the questions. No, not in the cocky, yeah we beat them sort of way. Because the Lakers lose to the Nuggets now. It's more laughing that he's being asked the same questions about the Nuggets over and over again. Bryant is constantly asked to prove the team they lost to is good, and doesn't know what to say when the press doesn't believe him. I hear you Kobe. Now stay away from our chicks.
I appreciate you Justin Doubrava...
One of the few that has owned the comments board recently, and I haven't gotten back in a while.
"First up DJ Williams is the Broncos Nene, flashes of brilliance and sometimes compared to elite peers at the position by commentators etc. However these flashes continue to be only flashes and you begin to realize that almost is the most they are gonna be.
Interesting insight into DJ Williams. I too, once thought he was a badass. Coming from the "U" where so many big time linebackers like Ray Lewis have come from, all the physical tools, and had a big year when Angry Al Wilson was playing. However, only two seasons with 100 tackles (this year and 2007), and when he doesn't get 100 he averages about 65. It also brings up the question of Nene. Dare I say... shop him?
I'm not saying you absolutely have to trade him, but if the right deal is out there. Say, Nene, Renaldo Balkman (doesn't play anyway), and some draft picks, for Chris Bosh.. who I think would stay on with the Nuggets next season in free agency. With the trade exemptions the Nuggets wouldn't add any salary expenses and now you have a 20-10 guy in the post... I duno.
Big Mac this season shows why not all good coordinators make good coaches, Ie personell management's two main phases, finding good talent and getting that talent to compete. The draft class is not looking too hot anymore, especially Alphonso "good enough to be a first round" Smith. Im still annoyed that Whopper boy can get Randy Moss to play after mailing in an entire midcareer with the Raiders but calls out a player he even looked to be friends with midseason for toughness."
Resonating.
Personnel Management. Big Mac don't got it. Let's get a recent run-down on what exactly Big Mac has done to the Broncos. First, decide to "fix" the best part of the team, (it's NFL second rated offense), and suprisingly (?) messed it up. When it was all said and done he.... er... Mike Nolan, fixed the defense (with what he had) so Big Mac decides to part ways with said fixer?
I wouldn't get it unless we all knew Big Mac was the league's biggest egomaniac, step over T.O.
Interesting note: At Shanahan's restaurant opening in Greenwood Village 3 prominent Denver Broncos were in attendance... Brandon Marshall, Tony Scheffler and.... Elvis Dumervil. In case you were wondering, Dumervil is a restricted free agent (like Brandon Marshall) as of... well now I guess. Do it for me Big Mac, please, let your 17 sack season linebacker go.... he's a Shanahan guy.
"I'm just happy Karl got over his fascination with AC. During playoffs and offseason, furious George had more interest in AC than the rest of the metro area combined. I also would have preferred Dahntay over Afflalo so far, especially considering the way the D collapses without Kmart."
Yes, the defense does collapse without K-mart doesn't it? Do you still want Dahntay and his egregious spelling of his name over Aaron Afflalo? To me, he is at least playing up to the level of Dahntay, and hits the three pointers Linas Kleiza didn't last year. Taking care of the absences of two players, is only 24, and only gets paid 1 million dollars.
As for AC.....
I appreciate you, Anthony Carter's metal folding chair.....
Without you, there's no where for AC to go but on the court.
I appreciate you Carmelo Anthony....
Doug Moe recently said Melo is the greatest Nugget ever. His jersey will therefore be hung in the Pepsi Center rafters, celebrate Melo as Denver's current greatest athlete.
Oh yeah.....
New York Football Jets (+8) cover INDIANAPOLIS COLTS
whatever...
NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (-3.5) over Minnesota Vikings
Tonight's toast: To a Saints' defensive lineman making Favre's post season retirement choice for him by irreparably blowing up his throwing shoulder.
last week: 1-3
playoff record: 3-5
happy fuckin playoffs.
It's times like these you find out who is really there for you. I have to admit, maybe the above paragraph was just a reflection of my mood ever since I saw a forty year old man lay a homoerotic beat down of my favorite team. As a sports fan it's hard to come back from that. From Monday to Wednesday I have watched a noticeable increase in Wrangler jean mud-football games and montages of guy on guy ass slapping that makes the Village People music videos seem like straight porn. I go out of my way to avoid American Idol, and everything associated with it, and the quarterback that beat my favorite team brought the brain-cell killing "pants on the ground" to my attention. As I'm reading this, I'm listening to Ed Werder report that upon reviewing the game tape, Brett Farve is surprised of how well Brett Favre is moving on the field.
I watched the Denver Nuggets take on the Golden State Warriors on Wednesday night, and all I can say is...TGI basketball season, TGI Nuggets season.
Let us take a moment to sit back, and appreciate a team we can believe in. A team that doesn't get too much love outside the state of Colorado. Let us take a moment to appreciate the Denver Nuggets.
First off, and maybe the first time ever said by a Nugget fan, I appreciate you Kenyon Martin.....
I appreciate the way you keep the defense together. I appreciate the severity of your dunks. I appreciate the way you stare bitches down. I even appreciate that hideous lips neck tattoo.
Here's the thing that's weird about Kenyon: statistically, this may be his worst season as a Nugget. (excluding '06 season when he only played 2 games) ... nooootttt.
I threw that joke at the end there because that joke's popularity dates back to around the same time Kenyon Martin put up these kind of numbers. Kenyon Martin is hasn't averaged this many rebounds per game since 2003. Stats!
Kenyon Martin's rebounds per game average:
2003: 9.5 (with New Jersey)
2004: 7.3 (with Denver)
2005: 6.3 (with Denver)
*2006: 10.0 (with Denver for only 2 games before he blew his knee..)
2007: 6.5 (with Denver from now on)
2008: 6.0!
2009: 9.1
In fact, Martin is near his 2003 averages in every statistical category with the exception of points per game (16.7 vs 11.4). But that is exactly the point, who needs the points when you have Carmelo Anthony? Further, if we do need the points like, say, when Carmelo, Chauncey, and Birdman were out of the line-up against Golden state on January 6, Kenyon went for 27 points and 13 rebounds, no big. Now don't get me started on how Kenyon Martin gets into the All-Star game in 2003 and won't in 2009, the point is the Nuggets have All-Star Kenyon Martin this year. Remember the only thing you used to talk about K-Mart was the size of his contract? (that's what she said) Now Kiki Vandegwe's "bubble economics" don't seem as bad. I'm not sayin' anything, but the last time Kenyon Martin played like this his team went to the ....
I appreciate you Glen Davis....
Only you can make me hate you more and more each passing day, it's a gift. After Glen Davis got stuffed by the rim, and a couple guards against Toronto, a heckler behind the Celtic's bench started calling him "Chubbs"
and "Fat Boy." (Wish I could claim this as myself) Instead of Glen Davis acting like a grown up, he goes high school girl, flips out, and yells explicatives into the crowd. I can't confirm it but it probably sounded something like (choking back tears) "I'm just tired of people calling me fat you f**king bitches! It's a goddamned glandular problem! You don't even f**king know what I've been through!... gimme a doughnut..."
I appreciate you Chauncey Billups....
If the eight games without you showed Nugget fan anything, it is that an army leaderless is easily defeated. Then again, I can't really tell what's greater... the value of Chauncey on the court, or the value of Anthony Carter on the bench. Irrelevant.. the Denver Nuggets need Chauncey Billups to do anything.
I appreciate that no one watches the Nuggets outside the state of Colorado...
It's the greatest watching national analysis of the Denver Nuggets. One of my favorites is when Charles Barkley or Jalen Rose says "You know, Carmelo Anthony is probably the best pure scorer in the game." .... Ok, what the hell does that mean? The object of the game is to score right? Does that mean he's the best player in the game? If so, why can't you just say that?
It's even humorous reading post game reports or listening to interviews of teams that play the Nuggets. All in the playoffs and after recent matchups with the Lakers, Kobe Bryant has audibly laughed at the questions. No, not in the cocky, yeah we beat them sort of way. Because the Lakers lose to the Nuggets now. It's more laughing that he's being asked the same questions about the Nuggets over and over again. Bryant is constantly asked to prove the team they lost to is good, and doesn't know what to say when the press doesn't believe him. I hear you Kobe. Now stay away from our chicks.
I appreciate you Justin Doubrava...
One of the few that has owned the comments board recently, and I haven't gotten back in a while.
"First up DJ Williams is the Broncos Nene, flashes of brilliance and sometimes compared to elite peers at the position by commentators etc. However these flashes continue to be only flashes and you begin to realize that almost is the most they are gonna be.
Interesting insight into DJ Williams. I too, once thought he was a badass. Coming from the "U" where so many big time linebackers like Ray Lewis have come from, all the physical tools, and had a big year when Angry Al Wilson was playing. However, only two seasons with 100 tackles (this year and 2007), and when he doesn't get 100 he averages about 65. It also brings up the question of Nene. Dare I say... shop him?
I'm not saying you absolutely have to trade him, but if the right deal is out there. Say, Nene, Renaldo Balkman (doesn't play anyway), and some draft picks, for Chris Bosh.. who I think would stay on with the Nuggets next season in free agency. With the trade exemptions the Nuggets wouldn't add any salary expenses and now you have a 20-10 guy in the post... I duno.
Big Mac this season shows why not all good coordinators make good coaches, Ie personell management's two main phases, finding good talent and getting that talent to compete. The draft class is not looking too hot anymore, especially Alphonso "good enough to be a first round" Smith. Im still annoyed that Whopper boy can get Randy Moss to play after mailing in an entire midcareer with the Raiders but calls out a player he even looked to be friends with midseason for toughness."
Resonating.
Personnel Management. Big Mac don't got it. Let's get a recent run-down on what exactly Big Mac has done to the Broncos. First, decide to "fix" the best part of the team, (it's NFL second rated offense), and suprisingly (?) messed it up. When it was all said and done he.... er... Mike Nolan, fixed the defense (with what he had) so Big Mac decides to part ways with said fixer?
I wouldn't get it unless we all knew Big Mac was the league's biggest egomaniac, step over T.O.
Interesting note: At Shanahan's restaurant opening in Greenwood Village 3 prominent Denver Broncos were in attendance... Brandon Marshall, Tony Scheffler and.... Elvis Dumervil. In case you were wondering, Dumervil is a restricted free agent (like Brandon Marshall) as of... well now I guess. Do it for me Big Mac, please, let your 17 sack season linebacker go.... he's a Shanahan guy.
"I'm just happy Karl got over his fascination with AC. During playoffs and offseason, furious George had more interest in AC than the rest of the metro area combined. I also would have preferred Dahntay over Afflalo so far, especially considering the way the D collapses without Kmart."
Yes, the defense does collapse without K-mart doesn't it? Do you still want Dahntay and his egregious spelling of his name over Aaron Afflalo? To me, he is at least playing up to the level of Dahntay, and hits the three pointers Linas Kleiza didn't last year. Taking care of the absences of two players, is only 24, and only gets paid 1 million dollars.
As for AC.....
I appreciate you, Anthony Carter's metal folding chair.....
Without you, there's no where for AC to go but on the court.
I appreciate you Carmelo Anthony....
Doug Moe recently said Melo is the greatest Nugget ever. His jersey will therefore be hung in the Pepsi Center rafters, celebrate Melo as Denver's current greatest athlete.
Oh yeah.....
New York Football Jets (+8) cover INDIANAPOLIS COLTS
whatever...
NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (-3.5) over Minnesota Vikings
Tonight's toast: To a Saints' defensive lineman making Favre's post season retirement choice for him by irreparably blowing up his throwing shoulder.
last week: 1-3
playoff record: 3-5
happy fuckin playoffs.
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