NBA Appreciation Day

Pretty much every sports fan is in a subconscious state of pissed off right now. Only the fans of four football teams are truly excited the football season isn't over, while everyone else now has to search for something else to look forward to every week. Last week, it seemed the only thing most people wanted to see was the Cowboys to lose. This week, Manning or Favre to lose. Whether it's the Broncos crumbling after a 6-0 start, firing the defensive coordinator that fixed the defense (what?), or the impending loss of B-marsh, or the humiliation of every losing playoff team this year (minus the Packers)... the mood around sports fan is so bad, it carries an innate depression that only finds joy in rooting for other teams to lose.

It's times like these you find out who is really there for you. I have to admit, maybe the above paragraph was just a reflection of my mood ever since I saw a forty year old man lay a homoerotic beat down of my favorite team. As a sports fan it's hard to come back from that.  From Monday to Wednesday I have watched a noticeable increase in Wrangler jean mud-football games and montages of guy on guy ass slapping that makes the Village People music videos seem like straight porn. I go out of my way to avoid American Idol, and everything associated with it, and the quarterback that beat my favorite team brought the brain-cell killing "pants on the ground" to my attention. As I'm reading this, I'm listening to Ed Werder report that upon reviewing the game tape, Brett Farve is surprised of how well Brett Favre is moving on the field.

I watched the Denver Nuggets take on the Golden State Warriors on Wednesday night, and all I can say is...TGI basketball season, TGI Nuggets season.

Let us take a moment to sit back, and appreciate a team we can believe in. A team that doesn't get too much love outside the state of Colorado. Let us take a moment to appreciate the Denver Nuggets.

First off, and maybe the first time ever said by a Nugget fan, I appreciate you Kenyon Martin.....

I appreciate the way you keep the defense together. I appreciate the severity of your dunks. I appreciate the way you stare bitches down. I even appreciate that hideous lips neck tattoo.


Here's the thing that's weird about Kenyon: statistically, this may be his worst season as a Nugget. (excluding '06 season when he only played 2 games) ... nooootttt.

I threw that joke at the end there because that joke's popularity dates back to around the same time Kenyon Martin put up these kind of numbers. Kenyon Martin is hasn't averaged this many rebounds per game since 2003. Stats!

Kenyon Martin's rebounds per game average:

2003: 9.5 (with New Jersey)
2004: 7.3 (with Denver)
2005: 6.3 (with Denver)
*2006: 10.0 (with Denver for only 2 games before he blew his knee..)
2007: 6.5 (with Denver from now on)
2008: 6.0!
2009: 9.1

In fact, Martin is near his 2003 averages in every statistical category with the exception of points per game (16.7 vs 11.4). But that is exactly the point, who needs the points when you have Carmelo Anthony? Further, if we do need the points like, say, when Carmelo, Chauncey, and Birdman  were out of the line-up against Golden state on January 6, Kenyon went for 27 points and 13 rebounds, no big. Now don't get me started on how Kenyon Martin gets into the All-Star game in 2003 and won't in 2009, the point is the Nuggets have All-Star Kenyon Martin this year. Remember the only thing you used to talk about K-Mart was the size of his contract? (that's what she said) Now Kiki Vandegwe's "bubble economics" don't seem as bad. I'm not sayin' anything, but the last time Kenyon Martin played like this his team went to the ....

I appreciate you Glen Davis....

Only you can make me hate you more and more each passing day, it's a gift. After Glen Davis got stuffed by the rim, and a couple guards against Toronto, a heckler behind the Celtic's bench started calling him "Chubbs"
and "Fat Boy." (Wish I could claim this as myself) Instead of Glen Davis acting like a grown up, he goes high school girl, flips out, and yells explicatives into the crowd. I can't confirm it but it probably sounded something like (choking back tears) "I'm just tired of people calling me fat you f**king bitches! It's a goddamned glandular problem! You don't even f**king know what I've been through!... gimme a doughnut..."

I appreciate you Chauncey Billups....

If the eight games without you showed Nugget fan anything, it is that an army leaderless is easily defeated. Then again, I can't really tell what's greater... the value of Chauncey on the court, or the value of Anthony Carter on the bench. Irrelevant.. the Denver Nuggets need Chauncey Billups to do anything.


I appreciate that no one watches the Nuggets outside the state of Colorado...

It's the greatest watching national analysis of the Denver Nuggets. One of my favorites is when Charles Barkley or Jalen Rose says "You know, Carmelo Anthony is probably the best pure scorer in the game." .... Ok, what the hell does that mean? The object of the game is to score right? Does that mean he's the best player in the game? If so, why can't you just say that?

It's even humorous reading post game reports or listening to interviews of teams that play the Nuggets. All in the playoffs and after recent matchups with the Lakers, Kobe Bryant has audibly laughed at the questions. No, not in the cocky, yeah we beat them sort of way. Because the Lakers lose to the Nuggets now. It's more laughing that he's being asked the same questions about the Nuggets over and over again. Bryant is constantly asked to prove the team they lost to is good, and doesn't know what to say when the press doesn't believe him. I hear you Kobe. Now stay away from our chicks.

I appreciate you Justin Doubrava... 

One of the few that has owned the comments board recently, and I haven't gotten back in a while.

"First up DJ Williams is the Broncos Nene, flashes of brilliance and sometimes compared to elite peers at the position by commentators etc. However these flashes continue to be only flashes and you begin to realize that almost is the most they are gonna be.

Interesting insight into DJ Williams. I too, once thought he was a badass. Coming from the "U" where so many big time linebackers like Ray Lewis have come from, all the physical tools, and had a big year when Angry Al Wilson was playing. However, only two seasons with 100 tackles (this year and 2007), and when he doesn't get 100 he averages about 65.  It also brings up the question of Nene. Dare I say... shop him?
I'm not saying you absolutely have to trade him, but if the right deal is out there. Say, Nene, Renaldo Balkman (doesn't play anyway), and some draft picks, for Chris Bosh.. who I think would stay on with the Nuggets next season in free agency. With the trade exemptions the Nuggets wouldn't add any salary expenses and now you have a 20-10 guy in the post... I duno.

Big Mac this season shows why not all good coordinators make good coaches, Ie personell management's two main phases, finding good talent and getting that talent to compete. The draft class is not looking too hot anymore, especially Alphonso "good enough to be a first round" Smith. Im still annoyed that Whopper boy can get Randy Moss to play after mailing in an entire midcareer with the Raiders but calls out a player he even looked to be friends with midseason for toughness."

Resonating.


Personnel Management. Big Mac don't got it. Let's get a recent run-down on what exactly Big Mac has done to the Broncos. First, decide to "fix" the best part of the team, (it's NFL second rated offense), and suprisingly (?) messed it up. When it was all said and done he.... er... Mike Nolan, fixed the defense (with what he had) so Big Mac decides to part ways with said fixer?

I wouldn't get it unless we all knew Big Mac was the league's biggest egomaniac, step over T.O.

Interesting note: At Shanahan's restaurant opening in Greenwood Village 3 prominent Denver Broncos were in attendance... Brandon Marshall, Tony Scheffler and.... Elvis Dumervil. In case you were wondering, Dumervil is a restricted free agent (like Brandon Marshall) as of... well now I guess. Do it for me Big Mac, please, let your 17 sack season linebacker go.... he's a Shanahan guy.


"I'm just happy Karl got over his fascination with AC. During playoffs and offseason, furious George had more interest in AC than the rest of the metro area combined. I also would have preferred Dahntay over Afflalo so far, especially considering the way the D collapses without Kmart."

Yes, the defense does collapse without K-mart doesn't it? Do you still want Dahntay and his egregious spelling of his name over Aaron Afflalo? To me, he is at least playing up to the level of Dahntay, and hits the three pointers Linas Kleiza didn't last year. Taking care of the absences of two players, is only 24, and only gets paid 1 million dollars.


As for AC.....


I appreciate you, Anthony Carter's metal folding chair.....

Without you, there's no where for AC to go but on the court.

I appreciate you Carmelo Anthony....

Doug Moe recently said Melo is the greatest Nugget ever. His jersey will therefore be hung in the Pepsi Center rafters, celebrate Melo as Denver's current greatest athlete.

Oh yeah.....

New York Football Jets (+8) cover INDIANAPOLIS COLTS

whatever...


NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (-3.5) over Minnesota Vikings

Tonight's toast: To a Saints' defensive lineman making Favre's post season retirement choice for him by irreparably blowing up his throwing shoulder.

last week: 1-3
playoff record: 3-5

happy fuckin playoffs.

XLI: The "uh-Oh" face

 Yes, the Cowboys got embarrassed by the Minnesota Brett Favres on Sunday and I can't fit all of my thoughts and feelings on this game and season in one entry, so I'm going to try something new. I'm going to try and throw a post up every day. Not necessarily on the Cowboys, (though this week might be a little over loaded) but more like the ushering in of a new era. Call it a new year's resolution that I didn't really think of or start until three weeks into the new year.

I figure I can pump one out at least a little one every day, with a couple big ones sprinkled in here and there. The Irish-Catholic mother model I suppose.

Let's get some addiction going. Take by eyesight everyday. If taken with alcohol or marijuana good for you. If you have an erection lasting longer than 4 hours cut it off, unless it's the female kind then hit me up.

XLI: The "uh-Oh" face

There is a point in time when you know the Dallas Cowboys are going to lose.  It usually happens when the Cowboys' line finds itself outmatched. It always happens when Tony Romo starts "scrambling," if that's what you want to call it, throwing interceptions, and giving away fumbles. The more times he does it, the more times Fox, NBC, ESPN, CBS, or whoever is televising the game, shows close-up replays of Tony Romo doing more harm by trying to extend plays, than good by just eating the sack.

One of my favorite comedies of all time is "Office Space." Clever dialogue, funny situations, lasting characters, a young and tight Jennifer Aniston. In this movie, that one guy from that one Allstate commercial, describes for us the face one makes as he reaches climax.... the "oh-face."

The thing about that movie is that everyone nails their parts. Whenever someone makes reference to the "oh-face" I can't help but picture that blond guy from the Allstate commercial. He has pretty much patented the "oh-face" without, to my knowledge, collecting royalties.


Tony Romo so too, has become iconic to a face that causes a mix of reactions ranging from laughter to hate. (I hate it) It is, the "uh-Oh face."  You know, as previously described, the face Romo makes when he's scrambling to avoid a sack, or .... something. The mixture of god-only-knows how many emotions to produce an eye-squinting, eyebrow-raising, mouth agape monstrosity that only Tony Romo and mongoloids can make. It has somewhat become symbolic of the last decade for the Cowboys. And for the life of me, I can't quite put my finger on what exactly it is.


My initial reaction is the face a dude makes when he's trying to desperately stave off premature ejaculation during the first time he's had sober sex with a supermodel. This kind of represents the ineptitude that is portrayed by the "uh-Oh" face. As romo dances around like a school girl, a closer zoom in on his face reveals a sense of inability to overcome the situation. Back to the analogy, Romo knows if he doesn't deliver the best sex he is physically capable of, or at very least hitting the ten-minute mark, Marisa Miller will give you the dreaded half-smirk that says "haha really? that was it?" as you desperately scream "no just hold on a couple minutes... come on! come on!" It's not like he doesn't want to perform up to expectations, it's just that he can't. Marisa's body is just too ridiculous, and he's a virgin.

However, I'm not sure it captures the severity of the situation. This face is seen often under extreme duress, facing seemingly overwhelming adversity. The "uh-Oh face" conveys a certain level of helplessness that is really only achieved by like, dying baby seals after an oil spill.

Perhaps then, it's closer to the face someone would make should they realize that they have instantaneously lost all control of normally voluntary, and smelly, bodily functions.

Think if that happened to you. A more exaggerated Harry face after Lloyd puts exlax in his good luck coffee. The shock at such an occurrence would make anyone do a full body clinch as they sprint to the nearest bathroom. It's not necessarily the person's fault a sudden body valve wants open when it needs to stay shut, but that won't make a bit of difference to the people who have to face the consequences of being your smelly negative externality.

Alas, I'm not really sure that captures the ineptitude of the first description. It must be some combination then. Perhaps its the face a dude would make should he instantaneously lose control of normally voluntary and smelly bodily functions, WHILST, staving off premature ejaculation during the first time he's had sober sex with a supermodel.

And what a situation that would be! Not only the angry "uh oh" that comes from realizing your own finite limitations, but additionally the panic "uh oh" that comes from realizing you are in a perilous situation out of your hands. As Romo runs around aimlessly what else could he possibly be thinking but "uh oh!"? It's not all Romo's fault, but that's precisely where the other side comes in.

The "uh-Oh" face is not something people can believe in. When teammates see the "uh-Oh" face, they don't rally, they warm up the bus. He is good enough for people to place expectations, but not good enough to step up when it counts. In reality, the "uh-Oh" face the culmination of realizing the situation or stage is too big for him, the ultimate "uh oh." The yin and yang of "uh ohs."

The Romo "uh oh" face.

And that's why the Dallas Cowboys got embarrassed by the Minnesota Vikings.