Pussy Cat Woods Gets Real

Tom Rinaldi, a reporter with ESPN, had the privelege to have a five minute, standing up?, interview with Tiger Woods as he prepares for his post infidelity golf debut. For context: here's a transcript of the real interview.

And here is the interview where Tiger gets real:

Rinaldi: What's the difference between the man who left Augusta national a year ago and the one who is about to return?

Woods: The amount of sex this man is having. Think about that Rinaldi. You've seen the text messages. I was tellin' porn stars I was going to choke them out while they beg for my blasian wang. And that's just the stuff that's in the public. Think about voluptous booty being a dial away one minute, to being as sexually appealing as Tom Rinaldi the next. Whoops, my bad dog. But you know what I'm saying. What's the difference between the man that left Augusta a year ago and the one that is about to return? The one that returns is a publically emasculated version of the former, because he got caught for the "bad things" that he did.

Rinaldi: For a lot of people, the spark of those bad things is Nov. 27. Early that day, what happened?

Woods: Well, it's all in the police report. Beyond that, everything's between Elin and myself and that's private.

Rinaldi: Why did you lose control of the car?

Woods: As I said ... that's between Elin and myself.

Rinaldi: If it's a private matter, why issue a public apology?

Woods: Touche 'Naldi, can I call you 'Naldi?

Rinaldi: No. It's ri-naldi, Quit stalling..

Woods: Ah 'Naldi you impertinent old coon! Clock awareness! Is the time left on your five minute shot clock dwindling? You know it's a funny story, I was originally sayin', "eh, let ol' 'Naldi have at me for ten minutes, I gave his wife an hour" but then my caddy....

Rinaldi: Mr. Woods please! Mrs. Rinaldi is an upstanding and virtouous woman! It's Ri-naldi! And..Quit.. Stalling!

Woods: Alright, alright I'm sorry. Look if you want to know the truth, it was another poor cooking performance by Elin on Thanksgiving. I've always told her we can just pay that dude from Hell's Kitchen to cook us up something, but on the holidays, she insists for tradition's sake. So I choked down the undercooked meal and started to feel sick shortly thereafter. I was making a latenight run to Walgreens to get me some TUMS when all of a sudden I felt lightheaded. Next thing I remember Elin is going Albert Pujols on MY Escalade with MY golf club. Whether it was the fart I blew when she asked me how her food tasted, or some other uncovered transgressions that made her go apey, I don't know.

As for the apology... just tryin' to save as many sponsors as I can brother.

Rinaldi: You've said you've made transgressions. How would you, in your own words, describe the depth of your infidelity?

Woods: Well, apparently just one is, is enough. And obviously that wasn't the case, what can I say 'Naldi...

Rinaldi: Ri-naldi..

Woods: ...I got caught.. And as I've said, I've hurt so many people, and so many people I have to make amends to, and that's going to take living a life of amends. Tiger Wood's sponsorships weren't built in a day, it's important to remember that.

Rinaldi: You said you were in treatment. The simple question is, for what?

Woods: That's a private matter as well. But have you ever read the book "A Clockwork Orange?" I can tell you what, it was tough, it was really tough to look at yourself in a light that you never want to look at yourself, that's pretty brutal.

Rinaldi: What'd you see?

Woods: Blackheads! A person I never thought I would become.

Rinaldi: Who was that?

Woods: Someone who doesn't exfoliate.

Rinaldi: Why not seek treatment before all of this came out?

Woods: Well, I didn't know I was that bad. I didn't know that I was that bad.

Rinaldi: How did you learn that? How did you learn it?

Woods: Stripping away denial, rationalization. You strip all that away and you find the truth. Really all I had to do was take a hard look in the mirror. It goes to show you, just because you're black, does not mean you're immune to nature's oily irritants, the blackhead.

Rinaldi: How do you reconcile your behavior with your view of marriage?

Woods: How do I what with my whatcha? 'Naldi baby...

Rinaldi: Ri-naldi...

Woods: ...isn't it obvious that my view of marriage is nothing more than another part in the construction of a psuedo-image that would result in making me the most amount of money? Look, my entire life growing up I've been told that I either am, or will be the greatest. No woman has ever liked me because of my personality. Shit, the only reason I have a personality right now is because some chump with nothing else to do is writing me one. My jokes suck, seniors can play my sport, and I might not even be that attractive without the large amounts of cash that compliment all the aforementioned. Would women have been as impressed with the mental toughness and tunnel vision focus I display on the golf course if it was demonstrated as a mid-level corporate accountant? Women have always viewed me as an object, so they've always been objects to me. Marriage? You kiddin' me? Marriage? Accenture, Gillette, and Buick pay double to married men than what they do 30-something year-old playboys.

Rinaldi: Given all that's happened, what's your measure of success at Augusta?

Woods: Well, playing is one thing. I'm excited to get back and play. I'm excited to get to see the guys again...

Rinaldi: I'm sure the "guys" are really excited to see you too Tiger...

Woods: (cough, cough) Yeah, I really miss a lot of my friends out there. I miss competing. But still, you play to win. There are two constants in modern golf Tom, Tiger winning majors, and Phil Mickelson choking them. The sport just isn't as fun to watch with only the latter happening.

Rinaldi: What reception are you expecting from fans?

Woods: Who the hell knows? Luckily, I'm playing at the sheltered cocoon that is Augusta and the Masters. Regardless of the reception, I have once again outdone myself. (Rinaldi stares confused) Please, allow me to explain simply: The only reason people watch golf is because of me, and now, even people that didn't care about golf or me before, will at very least be paying attention now. Conspiracy theorists might be investigating which PGA tour exec is providing me with blowjobs after this is all done, but we all know it's only Mrs. Rinaldi...

Rinaldi: ...stop it..

Woods: (laughing hysterically) I can't help myself!

Rinaldi: But seriously, how much do you care?

Woods: I honestly care more than you think 'Naldo..

Rinaldi: "'Naldo" now?

Woods: Yeah, like Renaldo Balkman..

Rinaldi: (sigh) anyway..

Woods: I really do care, because at the heart of it, the way the crowd reacts will affect the way I react to the whole thing. I'm not sure how this will all play out, but I can foresee myself playing with a very different set of emotions depending on whether gallery makes me a sympathetic figure vs. making it Tiger against the world..

Rinaldi: Eleven months ago, here at Isleworth, I asked you, 'How well does the world know you?' What's your answer to that now?

Woods: A lot better now. I was living a life of a lie. I really was. And I was doing a lot of things, like I said, that hurt a lot of people. And stripping away denial and rationalization you start coming to the truth of who you really are and that can be very ugly. But then again, when you face it and you start conquering it and you start living up to it. The strength that I feel now, I've never felt that type of strength.

Rinaldi: In the last four months, Tiger, what's been the low point?

Woods: Mrs. Rinaldi for sure! or that Perkins waitress... walked right into that one 'Naldo

Rinaldi: Ugh, looks like 'Naldo did..

Rinaldi: What was your wife's reaction when you sat down and had that first conversation?

Woods: Eh, I think she was cool with it.

Rinaldi: ... really?

Woods: Fuck no 'Naldi! What do you think, what kind of stupid question was that?

Rinaldi: There are no stupid questions..

Woods: Just stupid people.

Rinaldi: You're the one that got caught.

Woods: Easy 'Naldo, how much time we got left?

Rinaldi: (quickening his pace) I ask this question respectfully, but of course at a distance from your family life. When you look at it now, why did you get married?

Woods: Why? Because she was the hottest..

Rinaldi: You Asshole.

Woods: That's what she said.


I'm not sure if this was just to entertain myself at the humorous notion of Tiger Woods actually getting real with the the world, or just what I wanted to hear him say.

I think more than anything, had the five minute conversation gone the way I wrote it, I would have at least liked Tiger Woods. To me, it would have shown that Tiger Woods actually changed from all this. The "real" conversation showed everyone paying attention nothing. If anything, Tiger demonstrated fundamentally, he is the same person he was before the world blew up.

My problem with Tiger Woods isn't that he slept around with porn stars (you couldn't do better than that Tiger?) while married. Really, the only people that should be offended is his wife and his sexual standards. Tiger does not play for a team, he does not represent a country or city. If this ends up negatively affecting his golf game, it has no effect on anyone but himself. Normally I wouldn't even give an opinion regarding the personal lives of athletes. Let's keep it to the sports people. But this on the other hand, is unique.

Is this whole hulabaloo really a reflection of society? I don't get it. Tiger Woods is an athlete that plays an individual sport. What emotional ties does anyone, anywhere have to him if they didn't sleep with him? Are people's 401k's invested in Tiger Woods championship futures? Does the city of Orlando have a parade every time he wins a major? Do black people watch golf? Why do people care?

The only possible explanation for society's vested interest is that said society feels lied to. We were all sold an "image" that was rooted in one of the most famous father-son relationships. A wholesome relationship between a multi-racial family that managed to stay down to earth while being one of the most recognizable figures in the world. I guess it was somehow inspiration to all the other weaklings around the globe that if Tiger can do it, damnit so can we.

Charles Barkley and Michael Jordan will tell you Tiger Woods doesn't owe anyone an apology save the people he directly hurt. Correct. And the fact that he did, and more importantly the way he did, shows that Tiger really hasn't changed for anyone's benefit.

The way I see it Tiger had two options after Elin practiced her golf swing on Tiger's face. One, own it, tell the world in essence, it is what it is, none of your business, and continue to be the alpha-male, ultra-dominant force on the golf course and wait until everyone remembers you're the greatest golfer of all time again. Or two, put yourself in sex rehab, stock up on Burt's Bee's lip balm, and kiss everyone's ass until you have convinced them that you've changed, or your lips become too dry, whichever comes first.

We all know which path he chose, and I don't know about you but it doesn't satisfy me at all. We have already deduced that the root of everyone's outrage stemmed from the fact that we were all force-fed an image predicated on contrived truths.. that turned out to be lies. Now, the Tiger Woods reconciliation tour has done nothing but presented us a scripted statement, and a five minute, I'm not going to answer all of your questions, interview. Tiger is going to continue to go to sex-rehabilitation! SEX REHABILITATION! The bigger story SHOULD be Tiger's connection to a doctor under suspicion of illegally prescribing HGH and other performance enhancing drugs to athletes. I'm not offended that a rich, powerful golfer slept around on his wife, I'm offended that I'm still being sold the same made-up public relations bullshit that we all bought before this all went down.

So to me, Tiger hasn't changed. If facing public humiliation head-on can't make you get real with everyone, I guess nothing can. We should all be able to see whats going on. We know what happened on Thanksgiving. We know what kind of treatment he's getting. The only real questions now stem from Tiger's performance on the golf course. Now that Tiger is rebuilding his image and won't be swearing or throwing clubs, can Pussy Cat Woods turn on the competitive alpha-male attitude like MJ and Ali? (I don't think so) How many major championship wins before everyone forgets about it and Tiger starts dating Jessica Simpson? (One) If Tiger wins this 2010 Masters, will it be one of the greatest individual athletic achievements of all time?

(Yes)

(Twitter: freelanceword)

Assosiation Observations

... and we're back. Pump up this jam..

Bless me Father for i have sinned, it's been exactly one month since my last confession...

As you start to get amped up from the genius that is John Tesh, his puffy shrited guitarist, and his war admiral violinist, be reminded of big business's crushing effect on creativity. I've got some things to get off my chest.

- First off, I'm not worried about it. 

Call me overly optimistic, call me a fool, but when the Nuggets drop games to the likes of Washington, Minnesota, Sacramento, I'm just really not worried about it. Are the Nuggets going for the best record in the league... or to win a championship?

In the last ten years here's how the NBA Champions finished in overall record standings:

2001: Los Angeles Lakers (56-26: tied for 2nd overall)
2002: Los Angeles Lakers (58-24: tied for 2nd overall)
2003: San Antonio Spurs (60-22 tied for 1st)
2004: Detroit Pistons (54-28: 6th overall)
2005: San Antonio Spurs (59-23: 3rd overall)
2006: Miami Heat (52-30: 5th overall)
2007: San Antonio Spurs (58-24: 3rd overall)
2008: Boston Celtics (66-16: 1st overall)
2009: Los Angeles Lakers (65-17: 2nd overall)
2010: ???

So there it is. According the the trending of the last decade, the team with the best record in the NBA at the end of the season wins a championship about once every five years. So if you're asking me if I'm worried about losing to the Washington Wizards on the second game of a road trip back-to-back... Not when we beat the Cavaliers the night before. I guess my championship dreams would be dampened a little bit if we had a seven game series with Sacramento (nugs are 2-2 against this season) or the Wiz (1-1 this season).... but it's much more probable the Nugs in the end, go through the Utah Jazz (3-1 this season), Boston Celtics (1-0), Orlando Magic (1-0), Los Angeles Lakers (2-1) or Cleveland Cavaliers (2-0).

So I know it's frustrating to watch the Nugs not play up to their championship potential every night but... I'm about as worried about it as falling into a gorge of stampeding wildebeast Mufasa style. Keep your best record in the NBA Lebron, and your team of role players.

...And that goes for the 2 seed as well. The league has watched Utah make it's run to pull within a half game of the Nuggets... now they're three games back. Dallas went on a 13 game win streak against teams that currently should be playing in the college NIT tournament... and they are still a half game back. If you're feeling a little nervous about any of these teams, take a sip of Jack Daniels, close your eyes, and come to the realization that the Nuggets have gone 8-2 in their last 10 games while playing Johan Petro instead of Kenyon Martin, and Anthony Carter instead of Tywon Lawson. See you in the Conference Finals Lake Show.

- The thing about john mayer... 

So, I decide I want my face melted by a some guitar virtuosos. In the name of haste I quickly type Jimi Hendrix into my iTunes song search. Shift + end. Select all. Drag into "untitled playlist 3." I quickly type "White Stripes" next into my song search. Shift + end. Select all. Drag into "untitled playlist 3." And there it is, I'm a "shuffle" and a "play" away from my personal guitar listening nirvana.

Buzz Killington.. thy name is john mayer.

..and he affects all three parts of my psyche. (start rollin' in that grave Mr. Freud)

My "id" is fightin' mad: 


I want names. Let's be clear about this. I did NOT put john mayer in my untitled guitar super playlist. Which means someone did.

Without getting into the gory details of the embarrassing plots I came up with, I finally retrace my steps, and deduce that 5 john mayer songs are listed when one types the letters "Jimi Hendrix" in the iTunes search bar.

Jimi. Hendrix.

Not only is this an intrusion into my (sedated) state of listening, but an actual association between the greatest guitar player of all time.. and some cheap romantic comedy interpretation..

So who wants to go? I'll throw down right now. Someone, in some cubicle, decided to program john mayer's songs to pop up when Jimi was typed into a search window. It was then OK'd by that someone's manager, which was OK'd by another manager. So either it is the greatest line of stupidity since Millen's draft choices, or the greatest disregard of Sarbanes-Oxely and it's rules of delegation of responsibility, since Arthur Andersen and Enron. Either way, when I see a song titled "slow dancing in a burning room" someone has to pay...

My "ego" understands ladies...

I just don't want to have sex with john mayer.

And it's totally cool that you do. After I saw Jessica Simpson fat in the mom jeans, I would have only hooked up with her for the story... After being described as "sexual napalm" (what does that even mean?) by John Mayer? I might be ready to sacrifice a body part for the opportunity.

Look, I just treat john mayer the same way I treat popular movies like "The Notebook."  Try and stay away, unless it ends up getting me laid, then I'll choke through it. Really, as a cockbearing, ball dangling, red-blooded, heterosexual man.. isn't that all you can ask for?

So I'm cool with john mayer being a successful "mucisian." I'm cool with the fact that he hooks up with girls I can only fantasize about. I'm even cool with the fact that he thinks he's keeping the blues alive... wait no I'm not..

But come on...

My "Superego" and yours are realists...

Just don't put him in the same association with James Marshall Hendrix. It's just unfair to both of them.

I know the question is, why do you have john mayer on your itunes to begin with? A valid concern of which i can only point to my recent collection of music from a number of people. mayer has since been promptly removed.

anyway...

You can't compare the aforementioned "notebook's" plot to that of an "Amadeus." Don't give me the, just cause it's made for women, doesn't mean it sucks. Yes, it does. There is something to be said about this taste. There more women that like "Godfather" then there are men that like "twilight?" Why is that?

Exactly.

This is why I'm offended with the association. I'm even more offended that john mayer probably thinks this association is fair. So maybe I didn't do the best job explaining why I do not like john mayer. I know he hangs out with "cool guys" like rob dyrdrek and the like... but..
.
I just don't want to have sex with john mayer.

- This one's.... for George...

Now I'm not trying to make light of a potentially life threatening situation... but... did someone say rally time?

The bad news of course: George Karl has to suffer through roughly 6 weeks of chemotherapy, can barely talk, and is missing more games than anticipated when this was first announced. 

The good news: It's highly treatable, and possibly more influential...

First off, cancer patients have another famous person to rally behind, and if that inspires even a little bit of hope, awesome. Second, and less importantly, the Nuggets players have a "cliche sports movie moment" that could provide a reservoir of inspiration when the inevitable moment of adversity stares them in the face. Queue the dramatic high string violins..

Maybe this is what gets J.R. Smith to listen to George.. if only once. Maybe this is what motivates the Nugs to hold their defense in the final fluerry of game winning shot attempts by Kobe Bryant. Maybe this is what focuses Carmelo Anthony that much more when the ball is in his hands with the game on the line. When George Karl is hoisted... ok maybe forklifted... onto the shoulders of a championship Nuggets team, who wants the movie rights?

More seriously, wouldn't you be more worried if Chauncey Billups wasn't already the coach on the floor? Ever since he got here we've acknowledged George Karl's seemingly good system, but it was never put into practice until the Nugs heard it come from Chauncey's mouth.... I ain't worried about it. Live Strong George.

- Earl Smith III

There should really be a conscious effort to publicly change J.R.'s name to it's original intended "Earl." There is not a more badass nickname in all the league than the "Earl of Swish."

Also, remember when J.R. was slumping? Yeah, not anymore. Before the All-Star break, J.R was shooting 22% from 3 point range. Now, the season average is back up to 34%. Please remember this next season when JR inevitably gets off to a slow start, prompting trade rumors at the deadline, all of you agreeing with the rumors, and then watching JR transform back into Earl in the second half of the season. Thanks.


- New NBA Jam 2010

EA Sports has announced the return of the NBA Jam franchise that captivated video gamers like me back in the 90's.

For those of you who have no context. This was 90's basketball arcade game in which you would play with NBA teams of two (maybe John Stockton and Karl Malone was your favorite Jazz combo, or John Starks and Patrick Ewing got you fired up) against each other. This is the pop culture reference that brought "on fire" into the game of beer pong people. This is no chump asteroids game, this is ingrained into the fabric of society.

So, the real question is. With the setup expected to be 2 on 2 with one sub. Who are your three Denver Nuggets?

Obviously Carmelo Anthony (with cornrows hopefully) gets the start, which leaves two others.

My nominees:

Earl Smith III: In a game reliant on dunks and 3 pointers, how can you not include him. In fact, Earl Smith III might be the greatest NBA Jam player on the planet. hmmm...

Birdman: Got to have a place for the shotblocking white man.

Kenyon Martin: Shotblocker and dunker... though i must say I would lean towards a virtual birdman...

Ty Lawson: Transition game is key... if you can outrun everyone down the floor, then huck up the alley-oop? can you be stopped?

(feedback needed)

- The All-Glen Davis Team

Everyone else can dish out awards. Why can't I?

To be included on the "all-Glen Davis" team you must acheive one thing primarily. The committee of one must despise you. But not without reason!

1. Have some physical characteristic that enables a certain style of play. (example: glen davis's fat ass prohibiting high jumping)
2. Have some personality trait off the court that is annoying. (example: glen davis trying to change his nickname from "big baby" to "uno uno" upon the first suggestion from a reporter)
3. Be a notorious "flopper." (example: glen davis vs. brad miller in the playoffs last year.)
4. Must not be that good/overrated.
5. Be rewarded by extended contracts, traded for, or playing time for all of the above.

2009-2010 All-Glen Davis team:

G: Kevin Martin: Houston Rockets.

If you're wondering how a girl would play in the NBA, watch Kevin Martin. From his slight frame, to his flops he is the most frustrating player to watch because, he's not really that good, and the refs have a happy whistle. He even shoots like a girl. Rockets gave up Carl Landry and draft picks at the deadline to acquire him.

G: JJ Barea: Dallas Mavericks

Is it Jose Juan, Juan Jose, Jose Ole? Regardless, it doesn't flow off the tongue, and is so annoying I refuse to look it up. Like a little gnat all he does is hustle and irritate. He gets paid more than Ty Lawson, and will always remain the poor man's version of said.

F: Glen Davis: Boston Celtics

How could Glen Davis not make his own all-team?

F: Lebron James: Cleveland Cava... alright alright... Drew Gooden: Washington Wizards

The seasoned veteran of the all-glen davis team. I'm not sure what exactly made me hate him the most. His clanky jumpshot, his un-athleticism, or that hair patch he once sported on an otherwise bald head with the Cleveland Cavaliers. Despite all of this, eight teams have signed him to their roster, only to realize the aforementioned, and then dumped him. I swear GM's don't watch basketball games.

C: Emeka Okafur: New Orleans Hornets

If 6'9" center doesn't say it, I don't know what does. Remember, that this is who Jordan drafted number 1 over Dwight Howard. .. (brain fart)

(submit nominations if you've got em)

- Michael Jordan will be a good owner so long as...

All he does is write checks.

MJ owning a team in the league is good for the NBA. Especially since he vows to revamp the image of the franchise, including a makeover of the sweet nickname the "bobcats" (grrrrr..they're gonna get ya!) Jordan is too rich and lazy to be a GM, so what do you do if you are too rich and lazy? own a sports franchise of course. Do work your airness.

- Anthony Carter = Gollum from Lord of the Rings

I channel my inner nerd and remember this quote from Gandalf in Lord of the Rings regarding the creature Gollum:

"Do not be too eager to deal out death in judgment. Even the very wise cannot see all ends. My heart tells me that Gollum has some part to play yet, for good or ill, before this is over."

I hear that white wizard. Before this is all said and done, our bumbling back-up, back-up, point guard will play some role in the outcome of the Nuggets title aspirations. Yet, if it's a timely three, or a pass out of bounds remains to be seen.

- "The Eiffel Tower"

The best nickname I've heard to describe Johan Petro. Credit Jerry Pie.

- It feels good to be back

Your humble writer is all corporate now. Recent cash influx has taken me away from this and to a month long period of hedonism. I'll get it back. Follow me on twitter: freelanceword for some of that business. Thanks for reading.

- Carmelo Anthony is the best player in the league.

Yeah I said it. 28 pts 18 rbs if you need it...