Tom Rinaldi, a reporter with ESPN, had the privelege to have a five minute, standing up?, interview with Tiger Woods as he prepares for his post infidelity golf debut. For context: here's a transcript of the real interview.
And here is the interview where Tiger gets real:
Rinaldi: What's the difference between the man who left Augusta national a year ago and the one who is about to return?
Woods: The amount of sex this man is having. Think about that Rinaldi. You've seen the text messages. I was tellin' porn stars I was going to choke them out while they beg for my blasian wang. And that's just the stuff that's in the public. Think about voluptous booty being a dial away one minute, to being as sexually appealing as Tom Rinaldi the next. Whoops, my bad dog. But you know what I'm saying. What's the difference between the man that left Augusta a year ago and the one that is about to return? The one that returns is a publically emasculated version of the former, because he got caught for the "bad things" that he did.
Rinaldi: For a lot of people, the spark of those bad things is Nov. 27. Early that day, what happened?
Woods: Well, it's all in the police report. Beyond that, everything's between Elin and myself and that's private.
Rinaldi: Why did you lose control of the car?
Woods: As I said ... that's between Elin and myself.
Rinaldi: If it's a private matter, why issue a public apology?
Woods: Touche 'Naldi, can I call you 'Naldi?
Rinaldi: No. It's ri-naldi, Quit stalling..
Woods: Ah 'Naldi you impertinent old coon! Clock awareness! Is the time left on your five minute shot clock dwindling? You know it's a funny story, I was originally sayin', "eh, let ol' 'Naldi have at me for ten minutes, I gave his wife an hour" but then my caddy....
Rinaldi: Mr. Woods please! Mrs. Rinaldi is an upstanding and virtouous woman! It's Ri-naldi! And..Quit.. Stalling!
Woods: Alright, alright I'm sorry. Look if you want to know the truth, it was another poor cooking performance by Elin on Thanksgiving. I've always told her we can just pay that dude from Hell's Kitchen to cook us up something, but on the holidays, she insists for tradition's sake. So I choked down the undercooked meal and started to feel sick shortly thereafter. I was making a latenight run to Walgreens to get me some TUMS when all of a sudden I felt lightheaded. Next thing I remember Elin is going Albert Pujols on MY Escalade with MY golf club. Whether it was the fart I blew when she asked me how her food tasted, or some other uncovered transgressions that made her go apey, I don't know.
As for the apology... just tryin' to save as many sponsors as I can brother.
Rinaldi: You've said you've made transgressions. How would you, in your own words, describe the depth of your infidelity?
Woods: Well, apparently just one is, is enough. And obviously that wasn't the case, what can I say 'Naldi...
Rinaldi: Ri-naldi..
Woods: ...I got caught.. And as I've said, I've hurt so many people, and so many people I have to make amends to, and that's going to take living a life of amends. Tiger Wood's sponsorships weren't built in a day, it's important to remember that.
Rinaldi: You said you were in treatment. The simple question is, for what?
Woods: That's a private matter as well. But have you ever read the book "A Clockwork Orange?" I can tell you what, it was tough, it was really tough to look at yourself in a light that you never want to look at yourself, that's pretty brutal.
Rinaldi: What'd you see?
Woods: Blackheads! A person I never thought I would become.
Rinaldi: Who was that?
Woods: Someone who doesn't exfoliate.
Rinaldi: Why not seek treatment before all of this came out?
Woods: Well, I didn't know I was that bad. I didn't know that I was that bad.
Rinaldi: How did you learn that? How did you learn it?
Woods: Stripping away denial, rationalization. You strip all that away and you find the truth. Really all I had to do was take a hard look in the mirror. It goes to show you, just because you're black, does not mean you're immune to nature's oily irritants, the blackhead.
Rinaldi: How do you reconcile your behavior with your view of marriage?
Woods: How do I what with my whatcha? 'Naldi baby...
Rinaldi: Ri-naldi...
Woods: ...isn't it obvious that my view of marriage is nothing more than another part in the construction of a psuedo-image that would result in making me the most amount of money? Look, my entire life growing up I've been told that I either am, or will be the greatest. No woman has ever liked me because of my personality. Shit, the only reason I have a personality right now is because some chump with nothing else to do is writing me one. My jokes suck, seniors can play my sport, and I might not even be that attractive without the large amounts of cash that compliment all the aforementioned. Would women have been as impressed with the mental toughness and tunnel vision focus I display on the golf course if it was demonstrated as a mid-level corporate accountant? Women have always viewed me as an object, so they've always been objects to me. Marriage? You kiddin' me? Marriage? Accenture, Gillette, and Buick pay double to married men than what they do 30-something year-old playboys.
Rinaldi: Given all that's happened, what's your measure of success at Augusta?
Woods: Well, playing is one thing. I'm excited to get back and play. I'm excited to get to see the guys again...
Rinaldi: I'm sure the "guys" are really excited to see you too Tiger...
Woods: (cough, cough) Yeah, I really miss a lot of my friends out there. I miss competing. But still, you play to win. There are two constants in modern golf Tom, Tiger winning majors, and Phil Mickelson choking them. The sport just isn't as fun to watch with only the latter happening.
Rinaldi: What reception are you expecting from fans?
Woods: Who the hell knows? Luckily, I'm playing at the sheltered cocoon that is Augusta and the Masters. Regardless of the reception, I have once again outdone myself. (Rinaldi stares confused) Please, allow me to explain simply: The only reason people watch golf is because of me, and now, even people that didn't care about golf or me before, will at very least be paying attention now. Conspiracy theorists might be investigating which PGA tour exec is providing me with blowjobs after this is all done, but we all know it's only Mrs. Rinaldi...
Rinaldi: ...stop it..
Woods: (laughing hysterically) I can't help myself!
Rinaldi: But seriously, how much do you care?
Woods: I honestly care more than you think 'Naldo..
Rinaldi: "'Naldo" now?
Woods: Yeah, like Renaldo Balkman..
Rinaldi: (sigh) anyway..
Woods: I really do care, because at the heart of it, the way the crowd reacts will affect the way I react to the whole thing. I'm not sure how this will all play out, but I can foresee myself playing with a very different set of emotions depending on whether gallery makes me a sympathetic figure vs. making it Tiger against the world..
Rinaldi: Eleven months ago, here at Isleworth, I asked you, 'How well does the world know you?' What's your answer to that now?
Woods: A lot better now. I was living a life of a lie. I really was. And I was doing a lot of things, like I said, that hurt a lot of people. And stripping away denial and rationalization you start coming to the truth of who you really are and that can be very ugly. But then again, when you face it and you start conquering it and you start living up to it. The strength that I feel now, I've never felt that type of strength.
Rinaldi: In the last four months, Tiger, what's been the low point?
Woods: Mrs. Rinaldi for sure! or that Perkins waitress... walked right into that one 'Naldo
Rinaldi: Ugh, looks like 'Naldo did..
Rinaldi: What was your wife's reaction when you sat down and had that first conversation?
Woods: Eh, I think she was cool with it.
Rinaldi: ... really?
Woods: Fuck no 'Naldi! What do you think, what kind of stupid question was that?
Rinaldi: There are no stupid questions..
Woods: Just stupid people.
Rinaldi: You're the one that got caught.
Woods: Easy 'Naldo, how much time we got left?
Rinaldi: (quickening his pace) I ask this question respectfully, but of course at a distance from your family life. When you look at it now, why did you get married?
Woods: Why? Because she was the hottest..
Rinaldi: You Asshole.
Woods: That's what she said.
I'm not sure if this was just to entertain myself at the humorous notion of Tiger Woods actually getting real with the the world, or just what I wanted to hear him say.
I think more than anything, had the five minute conversation gone the way I wrote it, I would have at least liked Tiger Woods. To me, it would have shown that Tiger Woods actually changed from all this. The "real" conversation showed everyone paying attention nothing. If anything, Tiger demonstrated fundamentally, he is the same person he was before the world blew up.
My problem with Tiger Woods isn't that he slept around with porn stars (you couldn't do better than that Tiger?) while married. Really, the only people that should be offended is his wife and his sexual standards. Tiger does not play for a team, he does not represent a country or city. If this ends up negatively affecting his golf game, it has no effect on anyone but himself. Normally I wouldn't even give an opinion regarding the personal lives of athletes. Let's keep it to the sports people. But this on the other hand, is unique.
The only possible explanation for society's vested interest is that said society feels lied to. We were all sold an "image" that was rooted in one of the most famous father-son relationships. A wholesome relationship between a multi-racial family that managed to stay down to earth while being one of the most recognizable figures in the world. I guess it was somehow inspiration to all the other weaklings around the globe that if Tiger can do it, damnit so can we.
Charles Barkley and Michael Jordan will tell you Tiger Woods doesn't owe anyone an apology save the people he directly hurt. Correct. And the fact that he did, and more importantly the way he did, shows that Tiger really hasn't changed for anyone's benefit.
The way I see it Tiger had two options after Elin practiced her golf swing on Tiger's face. One, own it, tell the world in essence, it is what it is, none of your business, and continue to be the alpha-male, ultra-dominant force on the golf course and wait until everyone remembers you're the greatest golfer of all time again. Or two, put yourself in sex rehab, stock up on Burt's Bee's lip balm, and kiss everyone's ass until you have convinced them that you've changed, or your lips become too dry, whichever comes first.
We all know which path he chose, and I don't know about you but it doesn't satisfy me at all. We have already deduced that the root of everyone's outrage stemmed from the fact that we were all force-fed an image predicated on contrived truths.. that turned out to be lies. Now, the Tiger Woods reconciliation tour has done nothing but presented us a scripted statement, and a five minute, I'm not going to answer all of your questions, interview. Tiger is going to continue to go to sex-rehabilitation! SEX REHABILITATION! The bigger story SHOULD be Tiger's connection to a doctor under suspicion of illegally prescribing HGH and other performance enhancing drugs to athletes. I'm not offended that a rich, powerful golfer slept around on his wife, I'm offended that I'm still being sold the same made-up public relations bullshit that we all bought before this all went down.
So to me, Tiger hasn't changed. If facing public humiliation head-on can't make you get real with everyone, I guess nothing can. We should all be able to see whats going on. We know what happened on Thanksgiving. We know what kind of treatment he's getting. The only real questions now stem from Tiger's performance on the golf course. Now that Tiger is rebuilding his image and won't be swearing or throwing clubs, can Pussy Cat Woods turn on the competitive alpha-male attitude like MJ and Ali? (I don't think so) How many major championship wins before everyone forgets about it and Tiger starts dating Jessica Simpson? (One) If Tiger wins this 2010 Masters, will it be one of the greatest individual athletic achievements of all time?
(Yes)
(Twitter: freelanceword)
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