Dear Adrian Dantley,

Dear Adrian Dantley,

Hey, it's been a while.. you know I've just been so busy lately. What with a new job, the bars, and everything that comes with it I just feel like we haven't had a quality opportunity to, you know, just talk.

I've got to tell you I'm writing to you at a really emotional time in my life right now. So many things going on at one time. I find myself giddy as a schoolgirl one minute only to find myself as depressed as Kurt Cobain the next. I saw a commercial where, I'm guessing in a shout out to Jesus Christ, Nike resurrects Earl Woods from the dead to give Tiger Woods a lecture. Boy Adrian, sometimes I wonder what is considered shameless or shameful anymore. Are the chicks that Tiger slept with, or a man who sells his dead father's voice to get his fan base back, bigger money grubbing whores?

What's the meaning of life Adrian?

It hasn't been all weird like that though. My old friend Todd Helton and his friends came into town this week. I love those guys and I think we can really do some big things together. I even had a one night stand! :-P Can you believe that? Me, a one night stand... I don't even know her name but I think her last name was Butler! I think everyone knew in the end it wasn't going anywhere but it was phun while it lasted! hehe.

With the highs have also come the lows however. I feel like this rings true for you more than anyone. This is really why I've been meaning to write to you Adrian. Sometimes when you get caught up in the rat race of life you forget to check your emotional equilibrium. You forget some things that are really important to you.

Do you think about death Adrian?

Whenever I think about our good friend George Karl getting his face blasted with radiation I wonder if I'll ever smile again. It's hard to know that someone you respect and admire is going through such a difficult time. I think it's important to keep his spirit alive by doing some of the things he would do. You know, what with his important role with the Nuggets and city of Denver's championship aspirations, there is alot hanging in the balance. I mean I know it's not like dealing with a kidney stone but, what is?

I feel like I need to be honest with you Adrian. I've had a lot of time to think about this and I feel like if our relationship is going to go to the next level, I need to get some things off my chest.

What in the name of God are you doing Adrian?

Seriously, isn't all you have to do is do exactly what George Karl has done all season? Karl coached his last game March 13, and since then, you have lead the Nuggies to 6-6. Notable losses include Home against Milwakee, at Houston, and at New freakin' York. We're in a battle for playoff seeding here Adrian! I know some guys are banged up, but I know what George Karl would do, and I could do it with three damn kidney stones.

Where is the ball movement Adrian?

The Nuggets average 21 assists per game. Now, that only ranks the Nuggets 17th in the league but you certainly aren't helping the average. Starting with the loss at home against Milwakee (past 9 games), the Nuggets have been held under their season assist average 5 times. Assist totals in those games? 13,15, 18,12,14. Can you guess what the outcome of those games were? In fact, as a whole, the Nuggets have dropped to 19 Assists per game under your watch. btw, That would rank 27th in the league, Adrian.

I understand you're currently coaching the team, not running point, but who else is there to blame? You still have Chanucey Billups, and Kenyon Martin  and Chris Andersen are not guards.

Which Nugget gets the most/hottest chicks Adrian?

I know it's naive, but I just feel like 'Melo and Chauncey are one-woman men.

Afflalo? eh.. too shy. Nene probably has the Brazilian connection.. that could be nice, but he's 6'11".. that's probably pretty scary. Kenyon seems like he loves the ghetto booty, and will fuck your ass up if you tell anyone. That leaves us with the reserves. Earl Smith III seems like he likes to make it rain on strippers. You know Birdman loves the white-trash... and Johan Petro? French connection but looks like the missing link.

I think we can safely rule out Malik Allen and Joey Graham as I'm sure 90% of the ladies would say "who?" when you told them their names. (and they deserve it too) Anthony Carter probably makes 3-13 mental errors in bed but plays decent defense. Balkman? Probably too stoned to get it up.

Yeah, I don't even know why I asked Adrian, everyone knows it's Ty Lawson.. he's adorable.

Which brings me to my next point Adrian, did Ty Lawson have sex with your wife?

Ty Lawson is averaging 20.4 minutes a game this year. It was probably higher than that too, until you took over.

Since being healed off his shoulder injury (8 games), you have played him over 20 minutes twice. A majority of the 20 minutes while being blown out by Dallas, and 28 minutes that sparked the nuggets comeback vs. the Clippers. The other six games' box score show Lawson playing 8, 3, 0, 8, 4, and 9 minutes chronologically.

I don't get it. It kind of goes back to why I'm so frustrated right with you right now Adrian. Just do what George Karl did!! We are talking about a National Champion, first round pick, widely viewed all-rookie all star team snub, that was playing near 25 minutes a game for a contender... and you cut off his playing time like he's Renaldo Balkman.

Look Adrian, just put your problems with him aside for the championship. I understand it was probably shocking walking in to find your backup point guard balls deep in Mrs. Dantley, but this is not your team, this is not your decision, you are in no position to let your emotions get in the way of a city and teams dreams.

How old is Malik Allen Adrian?

ESPN has him listed at 31, but have him throw on a bath robe and some slippers and he looks like my 50 year old black neighbor that lives down the street... wait a minute.. ???.. nah.. can't be. But he moves like he's 50 though too.

If you knew you were gonna be in a back alley-you might die-fight, who is the one person you would take with you Adrian?

I know who I'd take. Kenyon Martin. I'm giving the Alternate to Fedor Emelianenko. I know, MMA guy is freaking out right now, (all 3 of you) but I just feel like in the end, if things get sticky, Kenyon Martin may or may not be packing heat, and he'd know what to do with the gun after so no one could tie it back to us. I don't want to die Adrian, and if that neck tattoo doesn't strike fear into the hearts of my enemies, I don't think a pudgy white guy would either.

And that's what the Nugget's are missing right now too. Carmelo is never going to be a great defender, so when his man inevitably drives by him, someone has to be there to pick up the slack. The problem is, no one in the paint has the audacity, or balls, to lay the wood once in a while. Remember the Dallas playoff series last year? The series was over when Dirk blew by Carmelo only to find himself on the receiving end of a K-Mart forearm shiver as he drove to the basket. Dirk didn't want to go to the paint the rest of the series. That's one less seven-footer rebounding the Nuggets had to worry about. I'm looking forward to seeing him back.

All in all, there's no other basketball team I'd rather be a fan of Adrian...

Name me the contenders and I'll find you a reason I'd rather be a Nuggets fan. The Cavs? Even Cavs fans aren't Cavs fans, they're "Lebron please don't go" fans.... like poor kids just waiting for dad to walk out again.

Laker fan? No thanks, sure they travel well, but that's only because they are all bandwagoners. All of them. Think about a Laker fan you know, does he flaunt it excessively? does he yell "kobe" every time he shoots anything from a piece of trash to a ping pong ball in beer pong? does he wear baggy jeans, stunner shades, and walk with an unearned arrogant limp? do people that hang out with him generally think of him as a douche but let him hang out anyway cause he's harmless? do you think he's a Laker fan because he's never won anything in his life so he picked the Lakers because they usually  have the best team? Bandwagoner. I mean it's either that or they are illegal immigrants that picked the Lakers for all the same reasons... bandwagoners.

Celtic fan? sorta like Laker fan, except with red-hair and a likes-to-fight because my team is too old attitude.

Mavs? Being a fan of this team is being a fan of the biggest choke artists in the city of Dallas.. and that's saying something. (foreshadowing)

Utah? too mormon

Orlando? I'd rather go to Disney World

Ask around Adrian, talk to some of your basketball friends from around the nation, I guarantee you while they may rib you about the Nuggets not winning championships, the Nugs are just a cool team to support. Our team is consisted of badass players that are fun to watch. If you could just chill out with Carmelo or Lebron, who would you rather hang out with? I'd say you have a better time smokin a j with 'melo. That's part of the Nuggets appeal, the team is fallible. We endure the trials and tribulations because we are Nuggets fans, and that's what it means to be a Nuggets fan.

I thought it was ironic when I heard you had a Kidney stone Adrian, because in a way, that's what I think about you. There has just been something way off since you took over on the bench. I'm not sure if it's the "touch of grey" just for men's gel you use. Watching assistant-assistant coach Chad Iske draw up your inbounds plays, or just our win-loss record that makes me eager for the day Karl returns. But like a Kidney stone, however painful and uncomfortable it is while it's temporarily stuck in the bladder, you, like this kidney stone... shall pass.

I know this turned a little harsh at the end Adrian, and it's not that I don't respect you as a person. Your jersey is hung in the Utah rafters... that's pretty good I guess. But really, I think we should just remain friends. We tried taking this whole basketball relationship to the next level, and it's just not working for me. After all this it might be difficult to go back to the way things were, but if we are going to have any kind of relationship at all, it has to be this way. I hope you can understand and know that there will always be a special place in my heart for you. We've had so many memories = ) and I hope we can have some more in the future.

God bless your heart Adrian, but stay away from my basketball team.

Never and never will be yours,

lance

(twitter: freelanceword)