the jersey shore

The Jersey Shore has captured the interest of the nation. As a man who has taken a firm stance against reality TV it's shocking that so too, have I been sucked in to the JS black hole vortex.

I thought about it as I watched the last episode about as under the influence as a usual Monday night with the cast... ya know.. if someone called me who had never watched the shore or any TV for that matter, would I be able to explain an episode without losing my audience? I mean... nothing ever REALLY happens. Yet here I am... watching.

So, inebriated as I was... I thought it would be a good idea to recap the 2nd episode of the Jersey Shore: Miami Beach.

A couple things to note, I have decided Ronnie shall be called "Ron-dog." The Situation might be one of the greatest TV characters of all time. I can't believe I did this.

GTL baby... lets' go.  

So we jump in around minute 12.

Basically all that has happened is that Sammi has "come at" Ron-dog (Ronnie) for seeing an ex-girlfreinds name in the call log?... at least that's what I'm guessing as my DVR didn't start recording until now.

Flash to to Pauley D and Vin talking about whether you can eat something off the floor if you cook it.

... aaaand then it's back to Ronnie talking to J-wow about Sami.

The episode seems like it is off to a bit of a slow start, luckily... Situation wants to order some food, and the following interchange transpires:

(restaurant worker) "ok... the name?"

(The sitch).. "Situation."

(rw) "... the name?!?"

(the sitch) "yes, that's right.. Situation. Capital S.. I.... T...U..."

And an awkward pause where Situation waits for the restaurant worker making 7.50 an hour to spell the rest of "ation". Now, when expectantly the dude doen't give the happy ending to Situation's train of thought... a slight sense of panic breaks into his face. This might be the most nervous we see Situation for the rest of the season. "wait.. how the fuck do you spell "situation?"After a hesitant light bulb moment, situation continues with the "A.. T.. ION" The rest of the order is placed, both ends of the phone laugh, and the sitch is still the man for another day.

Hey, apparently you can see J-wow through the shower door naked. Nice.

In another edition of character development: Everytime someone calls the house, it's for Angelina. Let's say as of now, the reasons Angelina IS a bitch is:
   
         1. Hogs the phone all day.

Situation answers the phone: "Situation speaking."

Now, this is really symbolic of Angelina's personality in the house. Instead of forcing interaction with her castmates, she removes herself from the population, further isolating her from the group. Of course no one yet has griped about Snooki hogging all the food.

If you didn't know, Snooki likes pickles. Phallic reference?

Finally we are starting to unwrap the onion-like layers as to why the girls hate Angelina so much. Snooki learns that Angelina called Snooks boyfriend a "f***** m******". At least thats how it's shown on TV. What did she call him, a "fucking meathead?" Is Meathead a racial slur? Am I too prude to know what other word is being used? Is Snooks boyfriend not... a meathead? What's the meaning of life? Whatever... add it to the list.

Reasons Angelina IS a bitch:

  1. Hogs the phone all day.
  2. Called Snooki's boyfriend a defamatory starting with an "m"

Scene ends with a confrontation between a drunk Snooki wearing sequin shades and a prostrate Angelina drinking a marg. As Angelina explains how Snooki "doesn't even know her" we discover Snooki "doesn't want to know her.

... aaaand cut! commercial break.

Back from break we are right back in the thick of the "battle of tuesday night patio session." Snooki pulled a sneak attack on Angelina's HQ. Angelina has stifled the attack with a continuous string of denials... and then the big dawg walks in.

J-wow enters like a 5 time WWE heavyweight champ. She might as well be walking in the room to the NWO Wolfpack  theme. It is determined that J-wow is going to beat that bitch. And everyone in the house believes it.

The phone keeps ringing and it is the first time I realize it is not the duck phone from season 1... oh yeah and the phone is for Angelina.

The scene cuts back to the patio where J-Wow decides to have a little heart to heart with the boys.. and we get another exciting episode of character development:

Why Ron-dog is a bitch:

    1. Told J-Wow he threeway kissed.

Look I'm with Vin. You ladies cannot be trusted. The only person who knows more about my sex life than the girl I had sex with... is all of her friends. I know this, you know this, even Ron-dog knows this... let it be the first of many of Ron-dog's symbols of ovary driven affection for Sammi.

Situation and the guys recount Ron-dog's threeway kiss with the tight end for the Giants and a rhinoceros.

Pauley D proclaims his allegiance to the "grenade free America" movement. As a card carrying member for 5 years now, it's good to finally have a celebrity spokesman.

The situation turns to The Instigation at the end of the tell all... but refuses to tell J-Wow the crucial finish to Ron-dog's night.

(commercial)

As we come back from break we jump right into our ongoing show within a show.

Why Ron-dog is a bitch:

      1. Told J-Wow he threeway kissed
      2. Called his ex-girlfriend to talk about Sammi

Ron-dog really opens his heart using some very big words. We finally find out Ron-dog's achilles heal, he "just loves Sammi so fuckin' much." A weakness the dude he knocked out in season 1 wishes he knew back then.

Aside... can't decide if Sammi Sweetheart is hot.

Ronnie concludes the segment of a rekindled love by bringing up a "Zach and Kelly" Saved by the Bell reference. What does that even mean? Who the hell watched Saved by the Bell?... alright:

Reasons why Ron-dog is a bitch:

      1. Told J-Wow he threeway kissed
      2. Called his ex-girlfriend about Sammi
      3. Watched Saved by the Bell.

As if the Situation isn't comic relief enough from all the 'drama,' MTV insists on including work for nominal pay while the cast is at the beach. This year's resume builder? Working at a gelato shop of course. Now you would think issues from the castmates would come from the stereotype of being placed in an Italian ice cream shop, or that making this fancy dessert really doesn't match up with the job skills they learned selling T-shirts last year. But you would be wrong, these guys just straight up don't want to work. Preach.

A real Italian immigrant explains how to make the ice cream, what they are going to be doing, and takes some pot shots at Pauley D's hair and Snooki's aforementioned sequin glasses. Here's betting none of the cast members are the "show up early, stay late" employees. I wonder who wins employee of the month?

The next time we hear about work it will be about someone arguing over shifts so.. back to Ron-dog being Ron-dog.

Reasons Ron-dog is a bitch:

      1. Told J-wow he threeway kissed
      2. Called his ex-girlfriend about Sammi
      3. Watched Saved by the Bell
      4. Got an Impromptu tattoo

Soooo... Ron-dog gets a tattoo with some crappy punk band singing a love ballad in the background to show Sammi Sweatheart that "he needs her." Naturally Sammi obliges. What exactly the two praying hands draped in a rosary symbolize or mean to Ronnie and his family, is... like how Snooki takes herself seriously... something we will never know.

Time for the episode's climax.

Sushi date with the guys (sans Ron-dog) and Angelina, where they notice Angelina is the only girl that "hangs" with the guys, and I notice Angelina's thunder thighs.

Bump the house music, we are getting ready for the club. Nothing is happening.. nothing is happening... The situation explains the importance of the "shirt before the shirt." Funnier that Situation uses this concept or defines wife beater as a shirt, I'm not sure.

Everyone is hitting the club. Ron-dog is dancing with Sammi. Angelina decides to not draw any attention to herself tonight by dancing with other girls. Situation makes out with some ho with no panties.. and loves it. Angelina finds out Pauley D is workin' a married chick. (foreshadowing of future confrontation)

I think it is surmised best by situation as such: "that's what happens, a little bit of alcohol, and throughout the night it just gets worse and worse until whalla! miss cockblock of the universe comes out.. that's who she is."

Reasons why Angelina is a bitch:

     1. Hogs the phone all day
     2. Called Snooki's boyfriend a defamatory starting with the letter "m"
     3. Cockblock

So it's got to be around 3am and Pauley D and the Situation are looking to grub. Angelina comes at Pauley D about being "retarded." Buuutt, after a series of professions of love for both Pauley D and the Sitch.. and a marriage proposal to Pauley D, it is quite clear who the retard is.

Both try and explain that they are the only friends she has in the house, and it would be prudent not to make enemies on both sides. It is exposed that both Situation and Pauley D hit that. Pauley D ends the conversation which leads to the water works.. and Angelnia smacking Pauley D.

Situation is beside himself. He doesn't know up from down, left from right, why Angelina is acting like she's supposed to create manufactured drama on an MTV reality TV show.

All of a sudden, the final straw... Angelina presses D again...

"ARE YOU TOUCHING ME?!"

"YOU HAD US AS FRIENDS BEFORE, NOW THAT'S OVER! DONE!"

Roll credits.

So what did I learn?

Why Angelina is a bitch:

     1. Hogs the phone all day
     2. Called Snooki's boyfriend a defamatory starting with the letter "m"
     3. Cockblock

Why Ron-dog is a bitch:

    1. Told J-wow he threeway kissed
    2. Called his ex-girlfriend about Sammi
    3. Watched Saved by the Bell
    4. Got an impromptu tattoo

Why I'm a bitch:

   1. Just blogged an episode of the Jersey Shore.