Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow

"Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury
Signifying nothing."

-Macbeth, Bill Shakespeare  

Those are Macbeth's famous words after he found out Lady Macbeth killed herself... I know, Macbeth is pretty well-spoken, you can imagine Lady Macbeth didn't put up too much resistance when he tried to neck on the first prearranged courtship.

Naturally, in this particular famous soliloquy, Macbeth is pretty glum. See, Macbeth thought everything was going to be all good after him and Banquo won this big battle. Macbeth was praised for his prowess and talent on the battlefield and recognized as an up-and-comer. Shortly after he won this pretty big battle, he was being celebrated for his early success. People were talking about him.

Witches were talking about him. Three of the most prominent witches appeared to him and decided to let 'ol McB in on three prophecies. The most important of which, was that Macbeth would become king. 

Pretty exciting stuff. Kinda weird witches show up and make that kind of statement without really knowing anything about him, and at such a young stage in his career, but hey.. King Macbeth sounds marketable.

Right after the witches disappeared Macbeth found out that he had won the NBA's Rookie of the Year award (known as the "Thane of Cawdor" back then), the very award that one of the bitches had told Macbeth he would win. Self-Prophecy fulfilled. 

Henceforth let's just say Macbeth maybe bought into his own hype a little too hard. After some shady advice from Lady Macbeth that led to a string of murders (including the then reigning king), and another visit to the witches for another batch of lofty prophecies, the former Rookie of the Year mutters his "tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow" speech to whoever wants to hear it.

"All the people that were rooting on me to fail, at the end of the day, they have to wake up tomorrow and have the same life that they had before they woke up today. They have the same personal problems they had today. I’m going to continue to live the way I want to live and continue to do the things that I want to do with me and my family and be happy with that. They can get a few days or a few months or whatever the case may be on being happy about not only myself, but the Miami Heat not accomplishing their goal. But they have to get back to the real world at some point.”

 -LeBron James, post-finals reaction

Scathing, LeBron. Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?

More or less though, what McB said. 

LeBron's attempt at social critique isn't nearly as tight as Bill Shakespeare, but who's is? Certainly not the product of an American Basketball factory system that probably had more out-of-state games than English classes made in High School.

So instead of "Life's but a walking shadow.." you get "At the end of the day..." That doesn't mean he is wrong, but it doesn't mean he has a right to feel that way either. What LeBron has failed to realize either through his own 3rd grade reading level, or his own inflated ego, is that he IS our theater. He Is the poor player that struts and frets on the stage for our entertainment.

LeBron James is the prototype for a highlight reel. With a game and athletic ability perfect for 24/7 networks that broadcast pretty much nothing but highlight reels. He is ESPN. ESPN created an entire "Heat Index" website solely dedicated to the Miami Heat. ESPN started broadcasting LeBron James' games on national television since he was a junior in High School. Back in the day, if you liked ESPN.. ESPN made damn sure you liked LeBron.

Witches have been telling the prophecies of LeBron for nary a decade. They predicted he would win the Rookie of the Year award, and while he was outperformed his inaugural year by Carmelo Anthony, the prediction came true. Each witch tried to outdo the one before. It was only a matter of time before someone predicted he would become the "king."

Somewhere along the line, just like Macbeth, LeBron bought in. Instead of caving under the pressure of his wife's expectations and killing King Duncan to claim the throne the prophecy foretold, LeB caved under the pressure of what he thought everyone wanted and joined a team where he thought he would be a champion.. as the prophecy foretold. 

In the end Macbeth, completely sold on all the predictions the witches had made, thought himself invincible.The hype witches told him he was going to become the Thane of Cawdor, and it happened. They said he would become king, and he did. So when they hyped that he could not be killed by any man born of a woman, he thought he was immortal.

LeBron James has long ago been sold on the predictions the witches made. The only thing he has done to improve his game has gotten bigger, faster, and stronger. He has refused to learn to drive left even though he's more athletic than anyone. At 6'9" he has refused to learn a post game that could open up his own shot late in games even though he's bigger than almost anyone on the court. If you look at his stats, sure, he's improved his shooting a little bit, his assists and rebound numbers have risen a little bit, but his number of championship rings remains the same. If you're already the "king" what could you possibly need to work on? 

Ultimately Macbeth got caught in the semantics of cesarean section births and was killed by a man not technically born of a woman (splitting hairs if you ask me). Luckily for LeBron he was only defeated by a big German and a bunch of veterans against his first year team of 20-somethings.

The witches are now mocking him, saying he's closer to Magic than Michael, and questioning whether his mental toughness will restrict him from ever winning a championship.

The scary thing is that LeB has the second chance McB never got. Will LeBron once gain buy into the predictions that he does not have the desire to win as MJ and therefore will never be as great, or does he finally stop listening to what a bunch of witches say and do some actual work.

"At the end of the day..

Life’s but a walking shadow Lebron, you are a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then loses and is heard no more. 

And you're right, It is a tale
Told by a bunch of idiots, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing

... you have to get back to the Real World at some point." 

Jersey Shore Season 3: Premiere

Previously... on the Jersey Shore:

"I'm going to the Jersey Shore Bitch!" Snooki proclaims matter-of-factly.

That's how it all began. A statement really, that the cast of the Jersey Shore was about to infiltrate your life, you might as well just lay back and accept it. A guido subculture I myself have never really associated with... who could expect gaining new Italian-inspired friends? There's a Ronnie and a Sammi; a J-Wow and a Pauley-D. A Vinny, a Snooki, and one big Situation.

It's agaisnt my character to watch reality TV, which is why it's hard to acknowledge what may be the worst of them all.. or the best. But when I find myself describing a fat chick as a grenade, I can't help but embrace the fact that the Jersey Shore is a part of my life, and I've got a fair amount to say about it.

Roll episode. Roll tide:

We begin with a video clip montage recapping seasons 1 and 2. Basically everyone meets up. Sammi likes an ice cold right hook named Ronnie. There's a Situation. I want J-Wow to have her way with me for a night. Paulie D and Vinny are cool. Angelina is a bitch. And what can you say about Snooki?

In season two they went to Miami... there was an anonymous note that nearly bought nuclear war.

And that pretty much wraps up the plot developments over the course of two seasons. The same reasons you can't explain to someone why you watch this show, is the same reasons you keep coming back.

Snooki enters stage right. It is an undetermined location, presumably Snooki's place of residence; a "charming" 2 bedroom overlooking the parking lot. Some describe Snooki as a short, fat, italian, borderline retarded, sex-crazed waste of space who's only chance to support herself is by whoring herself on national television. I describe her as... American.

Pop culture quiz: Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi was born in which country?

Answer: Santiago, Chile...

say what?

Snooki stalls a new BMW pulling out of the driveway, foreshadowing of other new shiny automobiles the cast may have acquired in their recent success?
And we meet Deena, another rebel that apparently needs no nickname. Just... Deena.. I would probably agree with it. A nickname is earned. You think J-Wow got hers without them titties? Let me say this at first impression; Deena, you don't inspire me. Do I really need another Snooki? Isn't the quota reached in that department? What more could we possibly gain? For me, this is a one Snook town.

And then appears my muse. J-Wow, you are stupendous... and what's this? Problems with the boyfriend Tom?... so you're sayin there's a chance...

Early on the episode is slow, early introductions going a little dry but I'm still coming down off my J-Wow high so it's all good.

Deena looks to be pushing "guy shopping" as the new guido-vernacular. I'm not buyin it. In fact the only thing more lame than Deena is Ronnie and Sammi.

Questionable decision making as Mom and Dad take the coveted upstairs 3-bed bedroom. Logic would have placed MVP in the upstair 3 bedroom, 3 other girls in the other, and Moms and Pops in the 2 bed. But this is the Jersey Shore, and that's much too drama-free.

This does thicken the plot tastifully however as Jenny rolls in. Fresh off the fight in season 2 Sammi and Jenny are not on speaking terms, undetermined as to whether they are even on drinking terms. J-Wow looks around for a place to buck while we flash to an image of Sammi. Sammi, standing. Waiting. Shoulders back, bosom puffed, fangs on. The disputed decision went to Sammi Sweetheart in the 3 round kitchen classic between the two contenders in Miami, and it looks like Jenny might want another shot at the belt. Sammi Sweetheart caught her with a straight right to the chin sending J-Wow to the ropes, and the referrees stepped in. There is debate as to whether the fight was called too early. The champ was naturally favored and it did look like J-Wow could still go. All the same the two contenders are back in the house, you wouldn't have to show me to previews to know it's not a matter of if.. it's a matter of when.

The two exchange glances, tension so high the undisputed heavyweight champion of the world Ron-Dog hides in the bathroom. And thankfully, Jenny walks downstairs and we go to commercial break.

Sammi says "luggages"

Vinny is next to arrive and the room conundrum carries on. Since Jenny took the other 3-bed, Vinny takes the 2-bed, hence sending the last dude to arrive into Mom and Dad's.

Paulie D enters and reminds everyone that he's cool.

More Deena talking up how many shots deep she is. Deena just knows how to irritate me. Anyone who voluntarily announces how many drinks they have had, is just trying to bring attention to themselves, and is never telling the truth.

Deena enters and gets introduced to everyone. Sammi calls her "Diana or Deena, or whatever her name is" to further push her character as the bitch.

May I point out that while Sammi is indeed out of order here, the flash to Deena and Snooki mimicking butt-sex makes me unsure of the new dynamic as well. Sammi further points out, "I thought the new roommate was going to be hot." Here here. What are your motives here Jersey Shore producers?

Alright we are back from commercial break and we enter a conversation about masturbation between Snooki and Deena. I happen to pause the DVR at a frame of a shocked and disturbed J-Wow. Deena explains how she is on a two-month "dry spell" and I go throw up.

After dry heaving for 30 minutes, I brush my teeth and sit back down on the couch with the TV still paused on the shocked and disturbed J-Wow. As my senses clear I realize that for Deena to be on a "dry spell" she would have had to go through a "wet spell." I run back to the toilet. In between heaves I contemplate dynamics of a Deena or a Snooki having sex. I come to this hypothesis: You may not be gay by it's most literal and technical definition, but if you have sex with Snooki, Deena, or an equivalent.. it's the closest thing to gay without going same sex on same sex. Follow my logic here. If stereotypically all guys think about sex all the time, and Snooki thinks about sex all the time, and if Snooki is willing to thow self respect out the door for a lay, and if quite frankly it's becoming difficult to distinguish the difference between her two holes, and she looks the way she does.. is it gay? I guess what I'm saying is, if the two people involved are by all indications emotionally and physically the same save a few chromosomes.. pretty gay?


Finally, there's a Situation. The elder statesman enters. Surprising- or maybe not so surprising- chemistry between the Sitch and Deena. Because according to my previous theory, pretty gay.

J-Wow looking good in the braids.

And Situation is just in misery with the room situation.

Sam's acting like a bitch again toward Deena, and I'm still begudgingly on her side.

Deena describes herself as a "walking holiday." Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, and Situation just equated it to Deena. "She's got a lot to give, and is down for a lot of stuffing." I'd say a weak correlation doesn't allow it to sully my holiday.

Ah? It looks like we have another challenger? Weighing in at a presumed 155 lbs, standing 4 foot... 11 inches tall out of somewhere in New Jersey... Deena! An early stareoff in the kicthen has the challenger eye to eye with the champ Sammi Sweetheart. Deena declares her desire for the belt by coyly using an "if it's too hot, get out of the kitchen" blast that indeed sends Sammi... out of the kitchen.

Lord give me a commercial.

Back from break we are into another episode of Ronnie being a bitch. Who is the bigger bitch in the Ronie/Sammi relationship? Ronnie is madly in love. He only reads at a 5th grade level but speaks at a 6th. A little meathead poetry conjured by Sammi's need for attention.

Hot tub moment between Vinny, Snooki, and Deena. I feel like I should be wearing a condom watching it. Vinny looks disintrested thankfully, as both Snooki and Deena act out for his attention. Awkwardness abound as Vinny is forced to discuss the dynamics of his relationship with Snooki. It could weird people out just saying you know Snooki.. let alone have slept with her.

Back to the Deena-Situation. Deena is wasted, the Situation is always down for one. So Deena is lookin to get it and she takes mike up to one of the rooms. Through some kind of striptease that looked more like one of those Samoan War Dances, the bottom of her bikini is removed, and the Jersey Shore censor bar appears. More proof that I want no part of the uncensored version. But I am not the Situation, and he's all about it.

Now history might tell you Situation "had to pull the eject button," but I think reality will say Deena realized she was about to become the biggest whore in America... which probably makes you the biggest whore in the world.

And close to commercial with nothing really happening.

Now we've had two confrontations between the Champ Sammi Sweetheart and the two contenders in what couldn't be more than 5 hours, and after deferring on the first two occasions, the champ is looking to remind everyone who has the belt. Deena is looking to snuggle, giving the champ the opportunity to land sarcastic laugh jabs.

C-word alert!

Now I've seen this in person before. Nothing makes the ladies want to throw down like dropping the word "cunt." The mere fact that I wrote it out right there, may very well have caused someone to toss a computer. So when Deena waddles down the stairs dropping it like it was her underpants, it was clear things were about to get escalated.

Looking for sympathy, she finds none of it. Rather, an audience to the obvious drama that is about to go down. After bearing witness to Deena taking on Sammi, Mike nominates her for "rookie of the year," ... I'm probably still going with Sam Bradford.

If Deena ain't getting laid tonight, it's for sure she's getting a fight after taking a verbal swipe at Ronnie. This sends Ron-dog into a "Listen listen listen.. listen listen listen.." that no one can hear frenzy as he runs downstairs. The disputed welter-weight champ follows closely behind, smiling..

Ronnie and Deena both yell at each other incoherently until Ronnie explains that he's not done talking. Nothing really is accomplished, but Sammi is in the room. After realizing that Deena has nothing really to say, everyone is just mocking Deena, it has become a laugher. Sammi and Deena start screaming at each other. Desparate for backup Deena somehow manages to get to the ropes and tag Snooki into the shouting match. Season 2 is rehashed and Snooki stumbles upon an inconvenient truth that Ronnie's mom think's Sammi is a bitch.

All hell has broken loose. And the contender lost in all the hubub snatches the opportunity! I can't tell with all the beeping, but I think J-Wow calls Ronnie a fag, and now she's stepping to Sammi. And now Sammi isn't backing down! And now J-Wow's mellons are bouncing as she enters the ring! And the Champ will have to defend her belt!

(ding! ding!)

Well who could have seen this coming Bill? I don't know Gus but J-Wow's nipples are hard, she is heated.

The two refuse to touch gloves but rather keep yelling at each other.. AND Sammi feigns the right sending J-Wow to recoil! And J-Wow answers with a stiff left! it's a glancing Blow Bill.. but she's unleashed a five puch combination! Sammi Sweetheart trying to get the clinch as J-Wow goes for the choke hold! The Champ is stunned early! J-Wow managing to connect 2 more blows to the head while people attempt to separate them! pandamonium! How. will. this. end?

JERSEY SHORE