Jersey Shore Season 3: Premiere

Previously... on the Jersey Shore:

"I'm going to the Jersey Shore Bitch!" Snooki proclaims matter-of-factly.

That's how it all began. A statement really, that the cast of the Jersey Shore was about to infiltrate your life, you might as well just lay back and accept it. A guido subculture I myself have never really associated with... who could expect gaining new Italian-inspired friends? There's a Ronnie and a Sammi; a J-Wow and a Pauley-D. A Vinny, a Snooki, and one big Situation.

It's agaisnt my character to watch reality TV, which is why it's hard to acknowledge what may be the worst of them all.. or the best. But when I find myself describing a fat chick as a grenade, I can't help but embrace the fact that the Jersey Shore is a part of my life, and I've got a fair amount to say about it.

Roll episode. Roll tide:

We begin with a video clip montage recapping seasons 1 and 2. Basically everyone meets up. Sammi likes an ice cold right hook named Ronnie. There's a Situation. I want J-Wow to have her way with me for a night. Paulie D and Vinny are cool. Angelina is a bitch. And what can you say about Snooki?

In season two they went to Miami... there was an anonymous note that nearly bought nuclear war.

And that pretty much wraps up the plot developments over the course of two seasons. The same reasons you can't explain to someone why you watch this show, is the same reasons you keep coming back.

Snooki enters stage right. It is an undetermined location, presumably Snooki's place of residence; a "charming" 2 bedroom overlooking the parking lot. Some describe Snooki as a short, fat, italian, borderline retarded, sex-crazed waste of space who's only chance to support herself is by whoring herself on national television. I describe her as... American.

Pop culture quiz: Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi was born in which country?

Answer: Santiago, Chile...

say what?

Snooki stalls a new BMW pulling out of the driveway, foreshadowing of other new shiny automobiles the cast may have acquired in their recent success?
And we meet Deena, another rebel that apparently needs no nickname. Just... Deena.. I would probably agree with it. A nickname is earned. You think J-Wow got hers without them titties? Let me say this at first impression; Deena, you don't inspire me. Do I really need another Snooki? Isn't the quota reached in that department? What more could we possibly gain? For me, this is a one Snook town.

And then appears my muse. J-Wow, you are stupendous... and what's this? Problems with the boyfriend Tom?... so you're sayin there's a chance...

Early on the episode is slow, early introductions going a little dry but I'm still coming down off my J-Wow high so it's all good.

Deena looks to be pushing "guy shopping" as the new guido-vernacular. I'm not buyin it. In fact the only thing more lame than Deena is Ronnie and Sammi.

Questionable decision making as Mom and Dad take the coveted upstairs 3-bed bedroom. Logic would have placed MVP in the upstair 3 bedroom, 3 other girls in the other, and Moms and Pops in the 2 bed. But this is the Jersey Shore, and that's much too drama-free.

This does thicken the plot tastifully however as Jenny rolls in. Fresh off the fight in season 2 Sammi and Jenny are not on speaking terms, undetermined as to whether they are even on drinking terms. J-Wow looks around for a place to buck while we flash to an image of Sammi. Sammi, standing. Waiting. Shoulders back, bosom puffed, fangs on. The disputed decision went to Sammi Sweetheart in the 3 round kitchen classic between the two contenders in Miami, and it looks like Jenny might want another shot at the belt. Sammi Sweetheart caught her with a straight right to the chin sending J-Wow to the ropes, and the referrees stepped in. There is debate as to whether the fight was called too early. The champ was naturally favored and it did look like J-Wow could still go. All the same the two contenders are back in the house, you wouldn't have to show me to previews to know it's not a matter of if.. it's a matter of when.

The two exchange glances, tension so high the undisputed heavyweight champion of the world Ron-Dog hides in the bathroom. And thankfully, Jenny walks downstairs and we go to commercial break.

Sammi says "luggages"

Vinny is next to arrive and the room conundrum carries on. Since Jenny took the other 3-bed, Vinny takes the 2-bed, hence sending the last dude to arrive into Mom and Dad's.

Paulie D enters and reminds everyone that he's cool.

More Deena talking up how many shots deep she is. Deena just knows how to irritate me. Anyone who voluntarily announces how many drinks they have had, is just trying to bring attention to themselves, and is never telling the truth.

Deena enters and gets introduced to everyone. Sammi calls her "Diana or Deena, or whatever her name is" to further push her character as the bitch.

May I point out that while Sammi is indeed out of order here, the flash to Deena and Snooki mimicking butt-sex makes me unsure of the new dynamic as well. Sammi further points out, "I thought the new roommate was going to be hot." Here here. What are your motives here Jersey Shore producers?

Alright we are back from commercial break and we enter a conversation about masturbation between Snooki and Deena. I happen to pause the DVR at a frame of a shocked and disturbed J-Wow. Deena explains how she is on a two-month "dry spell" and I go throw up.

After dry heaving for 30 minutes, I brush my teeth and sit back down on the couch with the TV still paused on the shocked and disturbed J-Wow. As my senses clear I realize that for Deena to be on a "dry spell" she would have had to go through a "wet spell." I run back to the toilet. In between heaves I contemplate dynamics of a Deena or a Snooki having sex. I come to this hypothesis: You may not be gay by it's most literal and technical definition, but if you have sex with Snooki, Deena, or an equivalent.. it's the closest thing to gay without going same sex on same sex. Follow my logic here. If stereotypically all guys think about sex all the time, and Snooki thinks about sex all the time, and if Snooki is willing to thow self respect out the door for a lay, and if quite frankly it's becoming difficult to distinguish the difference between her two holes, and she looks the way she does.. is it gay? I guess what I'm saying is, if the two people involved are by all indications emotionally and physically the same save a few chromosomes.. pretty gay?


Finally, there's a Situation. The elder statesman enters. Surprising- or maybe not so surprising- chemistry between the Sitch and Deena. Because according to my previous theory, pretty gay.

J-Wow looking good in the braids.

And Situation is just in misery with the room situation.

Sam's acting like a bitch again toward Deena, and I'm still begudgingly on her side.

Deena describes herself as a "walking holiday." Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, and Situation just equated it to Deena. "She's got a lot to give, and is down for a lot of stuffing." I'd say a weak correlation doesn't allow it to sully my holiday.

Ah? It looks like we have another challenger? Weighing in at a presumed 155 lbs, standing 4 foot... 11 inches tall out of somewhere in New Jersey... Deena! An early stareoff in the kicthen has the challenger eye to eye with the champ Sammi Sweetheart. Deena declares her desire for the belt by coyly using an "if it's too hot, get out of the kitchen" blast that indeed sends Sammi... out of the kitchen.

Lord give me a commercial.

Back from break we are into another episode of Ronnie being a bitch. Who is the bigger bitch in the Ronie/Sammi relationship? Ronnie is madly in love. He only reads at a 5th grade level but speaks at a 6th. A little meathead poetry conjured by Sammi's need for attention.

Hot tub moment between Vinny, Snooki, and Deena. I feel like I should be wearing a condom watching it. Vinny looks disintrested thankfully, as both Snooki and Deena act out for his attention. Awkwardness abound as Vinny is forced to discuss the dynamics of his relationship with Snooki. It could weird people out just saying you know Snooki.. let alone have slept with her.

Back to the Deena-Situation. Deena is wasted, the Situation is always down for one. So Deena is lookin to get it and she takes mike up to one of the rooms. Through some kind of striptease that looked more like one of those Samoan War Dances, the bottom of her bikini is removed, and the Jersey Shore censor bar appears. More proof that I want no part of the uncensored version. But I am not the Situation, and he's all about it.

Now history might tell you Situation "had to pull the eject button," but I think reality will say Deena realized she was about to become the biggest whore in America... which probably makes you the biggest whore in the world.

And close to commercial with nothing really happening.

Now we've had two confrontations between the Champ Sammi Sweetheart and the two contenders in what couldn't be more than 5 hours, and after deferring on the first two occasions, the champ is looking to remind everyone who has the belt. Deena is looking to snuggle, giving the champ the opportunity to land sarcastic laugh jabs.

C-word alert!

Now I've seen this in person before. Nothing makes the ladies want to throw down like dropping the word "cunt." The mere fact that I wrote it out right there, may very well have caused someone to toss a computer. So when Deena waddles down the stairs dropping it like it was her underpants, it was clear things were about to get escalated.

Looking for sympathy, she finds none of it. Rather, an audience to the obvious drama that is about to go down. After bearing witness to Deena taking on Sammi, Mike nominates her for "rookie of the year," ... I'm probably still going with Sam Bradford.

If Deena ain't getting laid tonight, it's for sure she's getting a fight after taking a verbal swipe at Ronnie. This sends Ron-dog into a "Listen listen listen.. listen listen listen.." that no one can hear frenzy as he runs downstairs. The disputed welter-weight champ follows closely behind, smiling..

Ronnie and Deena both yell at each other incoherently until Ronnie explains that he's not done talking. Nothing really is accomplished, but Sammi is in the room. After realizing that Deena has nothing really to say, everyone is just mocking Deena, it has become a laugher. Sammi and Deena start screaming at each other. Desparate for backup Deena somehow manages to get to the ropes and tag Snooki into the shouting match. Season 2 is rehashed and Snooki stumbles upon an inconvenient truth that Ronnie's mom think's Sammi is a bitch.

All hell has broken loose. And the contender lost in all the hubub snatches the opportunity! I can't tell with all the beeping, but I think J-Wow calls Ronnie a fag, and now she's stepping to Sammi. And now Sammi isn't backing down! And now J-Wow's mellons are bouncing as she enters the ring! And the Champ will have to defend her belt!

(ding! ding!)

Well who could have seen this coming Bill? I don't know Gus but J-Wow's nipples are hard, she is heated.

The two refuse to touch gloves but rather keep yelling at each other.. AND Sammi feigns the right sending J-Wow to recoil! And J-Wow answers with a stiff left! it's a glancing Blow Bill.. but she's unleashed a five puch combination! Sammi Sweetheart trying to get the clinch as J-Wow goes for the choke hold! The Champ is stunned early! J-Wow managing to connect 2 more blows to the head while people attempt to separate them! pandamonium! How. will. this. end?

JERSEY SHORE